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Friday, March 24, 2017

B-Champs B-line and 2016-17 Closer

Regulation Record 11-9-0
Playoff 5-1

This is the first time I can recall a back to back B Champ season which is trending toward becoming a beer league dynasty for the Strawbs.  Some of this year's success can be attributed to the voluntary displacement of several arthritis ridden metacarpals.  While carpal creativeness isn't a requirement and is seldom rewarded, some ability to maintain digit diversity and at least some tarsal attentiveness contributes to a joint effort and an end product that is worth more than the sum of its arthritic parts.  I don't know how else to articulate that.

The final game was a battle from the start.  The Strawbs gained a 3-0 lead early and then were forced to defend.  Jesse started us off, then 68 years' worth of the talented Dr. Thug took over.  Marquis and the whole defensive unit were tough and effective.  Last but not least was the fury of Foisy.  It came down to the wire.  It was a 3-2 Strawbs' advantage, but with 6 Boozers on 5 Strawbs and with 7 seconds left, a crease melee ensued.  Bodies and fists were flying, Rossey and Turnaround were diving all over the place, Slicker was hacking, Jesse was politely suggesting an alternative means of expressing aggressiveness, and the Marquis was flailing like a beached whale trying to locate the puck.  Astonishingly the puck stayed out.  The head zebra emerged from the pile with 2 head strong 'Boozers refusing to be losers' under his armpits like Dad walking his 2 juvenile sons from the principal's office to the car.  The game ended with those lucky seconds on the clock.  Immediately the Strawbs, taking their second in a row Consolation Championship, lined up for the team photo.

Rewind 5 months.  For this 2016-17 season, the executives invited 4 Newberries to the team: Stashery(Jessy), Roussy, Turnaround and Foisy.  Roussy and Turnaround quickly became the team's goons.  Having watched Badmoms and read several decade old Strawbs' blog posts, the duo quickly realized that the skates of the likes of Butcher Brophey had been unfilled for quite some time. The legends of the Butcher had made an impact on the naive impressionable Strawbs.  One such legend of toughness was when the Butcher gnawed off half his own ass to streamline his body for more speed, a speed which he used to hip check his opponents into the rafters.  The Butcher was known to have traces of spleen and kidneys on the blade of his stick.  As everyone knows he never unpacked or washed his equipment or chainmail.  The blood and body parts stuck to his jersey, pants and helmet were a constant reminder to his foes that when you mess with the Butcher, you get treated like a cadaver.  Dr. Thug once reported that the Butcher's equipment might carry e-coli; so in 2004, Canadore instituted a full face mask rule so that players' mouths would not come into contact with the Butcher's equipment.

Anyway, our new goons took their rightful place and began their own campaign of collecting enemy body parts, blood alcohol levels and stool.  They also notched many noteworthy goals and contended for the rookie of the year title.  They will be permitted to attend the Nasty Cupcakes' training camp next season.

Foisy quickly become the team's pace setter by speeding up the Thug but slowing down the Magboy in order to pace the game out so there was enough effort left for a full 40 minutes.  It wasn't until his late discovery of a gluten allergy that his game really picked up.  Prior to his gastro-epiphany, Foisy enjoyed a life ruled by wheat.  From his pre-game loaf of bread to his second period vegemite sandwich, he never complained that his belly was sore or that his neck rash hurt.  It also explains why most of his shots were in the breadbasket.  But since his gluten detox, Foisy has quickly become the most improved player. Now his only regret is the dough he wasted on his customized Strawbs Jersey. 

The most notable new addition to the team was Stashery (Jesse).  In over 20 games he failed to take one penalty.  He must either be on a steady prescription of Zoloft or have an incredible ability to ignore annoying whiny millennials.  His concentration was scoring because he notched the most rookie goals which has earned him the ROTY trophy.  He is also welcome to join the Nasty Cupcakes for the September training camp.

Special thanks to the Ice Marshal, G.A.W.D., the Butcher and the Vice for their playoff support. Lets not forget the Strawbettes that came out either.

After the glorious finish, photo shoot, autograph session and impromptu chest tattooing, the Strawbs convened at the Wacky tavern, sat on their thrones and consumed 10 jugs of fresh spigotted ale, 18 juvenile chickens, 3 free appetizers, 1 water vodka and several bottles of glucosamine pills.

Friday, February 03, 2017

Savory Peppercorn Victory Sauce

Jan. 26-Feb. 2, 2017
4 Win Streak
(Record 10-9-0)

You can age a steak for months in the right conditions, but you leave the milk on the table one night and you will be eating your cereal dry.  Aging and conditioning (decades of it)  has proven to be the combination needed to take down the top A division teams.  Every Strawb is firing on all steam pistons. Every play is planned, even the ones where the opponent scores.  Every shot, pass, check, swear word now carefully executed so the Strawbs can crush the top crust teams while coasting into the playoffs in comfortable beer league fashion and still land in the B seed.  

First it was the Chiefs whose on ice council meeting failed to unanimously vote in a winning effort.  Then the under-age beer leagueing Jager Bombers suffered a sobering loss. Their stomachs were later pumped due to Kool-aid poisoning.  OH YA.  Who can forget about last night's pathetic gaggle of geese whose pecking and puck quaking was no match for Killer Strawberry Grade-A steak style hockey grilled to perfection.  The newly branded Puck Hogs (Free Agents) played with passion, but ... if not for fear of tetanus from their rusted out skate blades, the score might have been much higher against.  Perhaps given 10-20 more free penalty shots, the outcome may have been different.

Putting aside all that, there is the magnificent executive scoring talent and boastful offensive defense portfolio put together by the Mayor, the Rousey and the Shinny, and did I mention the gratuitous skill and speed from the Strawbs executive Magboy, Shinny and Slickery?  

Again putting that all aside, Dr Thug's skill has been peaking like a pressure cooker releasing its fragrance and overboosting release of scoring celebrating plenitude.  

Wallee the Rookee of the Year is blowing the zamboni doors off each night with his Tyson Degrasse speed and his shark like blood thirst for red posts.  

Turn Around Turner's run for Rookie of the Year isn't over either. His pacifistic enforcement style and robust ability to lay down from line to line, block shots, poke pucks to thwart offence has earned him the unofficial, yet to be popularized moniker of the Turnernator for his Turner style termination of the opponent's offensive chances.   When Joe-so-Rousey takes a "hasta la vista" on his defense partner, you know what Turnernator will say, "I'll be BACK... here".  He has also been overheard supporting his fellow opponents who happen to be enrolled and heavily reliant on assistance such as The Income Assistance Program and Employment Insurance. Thanks for your support.

Both Marquis de Save and Joey Laporte et Fermé (never defeated) have literally shut the doors on the league's former best better teams. 

With only 2 games left until the split, the Strawbs look to defeat the Slingers and the Flying Hawaiians whom we have never beaten before.  

The team convened several times at the usual watering hole.  3 Stellas, 2 Bud, 2 Northern ale,  a basket of strange beige things, 15 chicken parts and 1 lemon slice were consumed. The team card earned 83 points and NO! Phil did not show up in the second washroom stall at 11:15 Sharp on Mon. Jan 30 for manly discussions over best Strawberry penalties ever.

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Drawing the Venetians closed

Jan 16 2017
Flying Hawaiians 4 Strawbs 2
(Record 6-8-0)

Marques de Save's return from last week's backwash meant a fighting chance to clip the wings of the flapping Hawaiians.  The Strawbs settled in with great chances and adequate defensive efforts.  The two lines (nice to have) picked away at broken down Baker, but his record speaks to his success; and failing to capitalize on our chances by some strange un-luck further points to the presence of an outstanding curse.  The veterans Pyjama Man and Slickery were able to temporarily snap the curse's hold on the entire game by finding the mesh and earning a goal apiece.  And the Marque was able to deny the flappers on several chances which should have been sure goals.  Our 2 fans gave him standing O's for his illegal acts of grand theft.  The larcenies were so grand that the victim has since taken out insurance on his shots.  But despite the efforts, the additional curse of the blind zebroids (what you get when you mix a zebra and a donkey)  really played a hand in this hard fought loss.  And if you were there, you make up the 99.99% that knew that wasn't a goal.  It is evident how the balance of power is upset by outside forces that should attempt to remain neutral.

Open your blinds man; you are killing the game.

Monday, November 28, 2016


Every now and then he gets a little bit stronger
and his skating ability can be found

Every now and then he gets a little bit tired
Of picking himself up off the ground

Every now and then he gets a little bit nervous
That the best of all the years have gone by

Every now and then he gets a little bit terrified
When he sees the look in Devuono’s eyes

Turnaround (Turn-er),
Until we get to ‘B’ division
Fall apart

Turnaround (Turn-er),
Until we get to ‘B’ division
Fall apart

And we need you now tonight
We facken’ need you more than ever
And if you’re not there the lines will be tight
Even if you’re under the weather

Not only will you make it right
We’ll be playing hockey….
….together we can take it to the end of the year
Despite your real skill being drinking Wacky Wing’s beer….

We don’t know what to do,
That includes offense, defense and Mark
We’re playing like garbage, without any sparks

We really need you tonight
Forever’s gonna start tonight
Forever’s gonna start tonight

Once upon a time we were playing in ‘A’
Now we’re only falling apart
There’s nothing we can do
When we play with a bunch of old farts

Once upon a time there was a goal light installed
Now when they score it’s just dark.
Nothing we can do
When the gear is set to park

--Marquis de save

Monday, November 14, 2016

From Draft to De Saved

Nov. 10, 2016
Strawbs 4 - Load Slingers .999  

Down 4 Strawbs.  Ankle Turner potted his first goal as a Strawb on a nifty deke move while Dr. Thug cemented his 130441st goal since the Holocene period began but only his 8432nd since Yahweh flipped his staff around and wired the first fig into a fallen dragon blood tree.  It's also noteworthy that the puck from Dr. Thug's first goal was found at the layer of sediment between Holocene and the Pleistocene period, so it is possible that he was playing hockey much before that.

The Mayor also nested a dandy goal procured by his fine glass like footwork which he had developed through countless hours at ice capades' practises. Maboy slipped a dandy reacharound goal past the slanky net slinger who was slung out to dry by his defence.  Sarge and Rossey were bearing much of the defensive load to shut down any chance of the Slingers slanging. They may have accidentally interfered with the offensive duties of the power forwards and assisted on a few goals. They are forgiven.

If not for sloppy tongues, the Strawbs wouldn't have filled the sin bin leaving the majority of the work to the seldom appreciated Marquis de Save who only faltered once during a 5 on 3.  The Marquis' recent re-draft from the Nasty Cup Cakes, the Killer Strawberries' farm team's farm team, has obviously paid off. And let it be known, that as long is the score is in our favour, the executive will hold it's keyboard on written lashings and humorous derogatory similes.   

A few devout Strawbs convened late at the Terminal Tavern.  2 baskets of junglefowl, 1 Norther Ale, 2 Mill Street organic and 1 water with lemon were consumed. 

Wednesday, November 09, 2016

Still 2 to 1 after a recount

Mongeese 2 Strawbs 1
(Record 2-3-0)

Half of the executive was missing along with the entire 3rd line.  When they return they will be moved to the 4th line, and Dr Thug will single handily shift the 3rd spot and likely kill any disease or adolescence that moves.   The missing Strawbs were off to explore their partisan antidisestablishmentarianism south of the boarder at the Aloha Baby Compound in Oaho.  For 89 bucks, transportation to and from the compound was provided. Paid for were meals, including the famous Humuhumunukunukuapua'a, and chips served with a gallon of mayo, drinks and diabetic medications.
Accommodations were in Oaho at the Ice Marshal's very own suits which often resembles the hotel room scene from Hangover 2 the morning after a huge party. That S$#@ does not come off.

While these 4 deserve to be tossed under the campaign bus, the rest of the Strawbs deserve credit for upping their game against the infamous Madgeese.

On defense, Mayor Maynot and the executive's own luminous Magboy were nothing shy of  exemplary.  When on the ice, goals against were as locked in as divide by zero mathematics.  Fans flipped sides and started voting cheering for a new luminary leader and his Vice replacement, a sure sign of a bright future for the Mayor.  The other D's performance would only be notable had Magboy not dropped back to redefine the doctorate of successful defensivenessisiousity. But this top exec was also making the saves, and if the the Ice Marshal was reporting, he would say Magboy was as dependable as a 2 ply sheet of Bounty absorbing a spill of strawberry koolaid. Oh Ya!

Despite the score, the Strawbs led the game for the first period. The first marker was notched by the youngest addition, Stashery, the current front runner for the top rookie award.
Pyjama Man, back from his Astroville Hockey commissioner role, was as effective as an above average intelligent mule hyped up on coffee battling a case of restless leg syndrome.  

If not for Gristly son of Thorin, who was on hand to unseat conventional wisdom with calls straight out of the playbook of Donald, perhaps the end result would have been different. On one occasion he coasted through the legs of Turnaround Tuner and halted an otherwise normal play like Hefner sending the janitors home before bed time at the mansion. He once ordered a bewildered Mongoose to go back to the corner and fetch his teeth before he would allow play to commence. 

Only overcooked reef trigger fish, potato cuts, turbulence and Bruce Springsteen's greatest hits were consumed somewhere over the Pacific.

Wednesday, November 02, 2016

Jager on the Carpet

Oct 31 2016
Strawbs 4 - Jager Bombers 6
(Record 1-2)

Monday, October 24, 2016

Results from effective team management

Strawbs 4 Boozers 2

The Killer Strawberries pull off a classic strawberries win under the leadership of the new executive.  It goes without saying that leaders lead by example and not by pointing in the direction of the goal. Unfortunately some of our rookies still need that kind of direction.
Shinny Sean, with his certificate from an online hockey course entitled  "Get your honorary hockey PHD for 39.99",  played the Box Plus One defensive zone system.  Fortunately the Boozers can't count that high and without a calculator on hand they were no match for this system.

Brought up from the nasty cupcakes (the killer strawberries farm teams farm team) Throne Laronde covered the crease like a tuck tape window sticky side out. 

On the offensive front due to Shinny's relentless badgering of Magboy's lack of scoring, Mag immediately notched a beauty. Turnaround Turner, who was battling 3 Boozers in the corner at the time, sent a laser pass to the streaking Magboy who deflected it in off his bare shine. 

The fire was lit at both ends and not a moment too late as the bad drunks began agitating our 6ft+ enforcers.  Slickery, known for his financial advice, was offering free checking accounts for insubordinate boozers. On a poorly executed pick, Turnaround Turner dropped a boozing Boozer refusing to be losing.

In the end it was the strawberries coming ahead with 2 goals as a result of the offensive wheel style breakout plays and other tricks learned through the online Hockey PHD course.  The bonus motivational WAV files also helped.

It was too late to consume anything but savery victory smothered in winners sauce.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Strawberry Excrescence - Season Can Opener 2016-17

Chiefs 10    Strawbs 3
(Now almost undefeated)

With the retirement of 2 seasoned Strawbs both born before vietnam, the team's median age plummeted by at least 30 years.  It would be closer to 500 but our steadfast Dr. Thug, born during the spanish inquisition, has yet again proven that cadaver parts are useful and respond well to cold conditions such as hockey arenas.

The retired Vice and Gumby were the last of the original Killer strawberries to have partaken in 32 years of glorious losses, improbable victories, smelly dressing rooms and jokes so bad they continue to merit repeating at every possible opportunity.1
They will be missed for there lack of movement both on and off the ice.  As Marquis DeSave put it, "I miss how they slowed down the game. I mean they don't move very much."

The team's new unappraised talent debuted tonight and we welcome JoeFresh(Joey), Stashery(Jesse), Neal and Andre (monikers TBD) and Warren Peace who has returned to play hockey after a brief career as a professional sports hypnotist on extended leave from the Nasty Cup Cakes.   He has convinced himself several times that he can play hockey and they are finally letting him prove himself terrible at hypnosis. He did finally quite stick handling, a nasty habit to kick.

The game started and ended much like the bluejays loss tonight against their Chief opponents.  We fell behind mostly due to Marquis DeLethargy's reminiscing gaze sometimes peering off into the distant centreline where the strawbs did seem to be returning quite frequently.  He seemed to be looking for shadows of his former defensive duo, who use to saunter and lumber about the offensive zone checking anything stupid enough to skate with-in an arm's reach.  Marquis' longing for slow motion plays, those distant memories of after school road hockey on cool summer nights failed to draw his attention to the net thirsty chiefs who pounced the crease like wild animals on raw meat.  
There were brief moments of scoring ingenuity by our very own Slickery, Neil Hatrick Harris, Neal the playmaker and the new blood and Shiny-protoje Stashery.  If not for the curse of Lenny the score would have been 15-10.

The team convened at the Whacky Tavern to consumed water, budweiser, New Ontario Beer (some on the floor, table and chairs) and to speak of their first loss as learning experience.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Vice Retirement Letter


It is with some sadness that I am announcing my retirement from on-ice participation for the Killer Strawberries Hockey Club.  After much soul searching, it seems that I have gone to seed.  I think if I lose any more steps I will be out of stairs.

All in all, 25-30 years of playing with the Strawbs has been a pretty good run.  While I may not miss my diminished on-ice contributions, I will miss the team in the dressing room and the post game beverages.

I am very confident in the current team management and their ability to continue the Strawbs tradition in the Canadore College Hockey League.

Please let me know your schedule this season as I'd like to attend some games and handle one of the bench doors.

In so far as the rest of the Killer Strawberries Hockey and Gentlemen's Club activities go, I plan to continue to participate as I have in the past.

Go Strawbs!


ps  I will still be playing hockey this season every Friday afternoon with some pretty great guys including some current and former Strawbs.  As well I will be playing for the Leafs in the over 45 Original 6 League, where, as it turns out, I will still be one of the "more veteran" players.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Press Release - Barbaros the Terrible Resigns

Press release 

September 21, 2016

North bay,on

Per: Marcus " the enforcer" Barber

t is with great sadness that I have to announce my retirement form the CHL. I have been relocated to east coast of Ontario in the beautiful city of Ottawa. I would like thank to thank the Killer Strawberries organization for giving the opportunity to play and show case my small range of talents. And big time hit capabilities. I would like to thank magboy (Denis) for showing me some important off ice lessons. On the that comes in mind that ( his name isn't Dougie it's Billy) well to little to late. And one last shout out to my little buddy who received my backup when needed even if he wasn't in danger of harassment from out opponent scum. Kevin " mayor" may it's time for me to set you free and have you open your wings and fight your own damn battles. And to the other Strawberries keep your sticks up and let them know your there!"