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Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Strawberry Excrescence - Season Can Opener 2016-17

Chiefs 10    Strawbs 3
(Now almost undefeated)

With the retirement of 2 seasoned Strawbs both born before vietnam, the team's median age plummeted by at least 30 years.  It would be closer to 500 but our steadfast Dr. Thug, born during the spanish inquisition, has yet again proven that cadaver parts are useful and respond well to cold conditions such as hockey arenas.

The retired Vice and Gumby were the last of the original Killer strawberries to have partaken in 32 years of glorious losses, improbable victories, smelly dressing rooms and jokes so bad they continue to merit repeating at every possible opportunity.1
They will be missed for there lack of movement both on and off the ice.  As Marquis DeSave put it, "I miss how they slowed down the game. I mean they don't move very much."

The team's new unappraised talent debuted tonight and we welcome JoeFresh(Joey), Stashery(Jesse), Neal and Andre (monikers TBD) and Warren Peace who has returned to play hockey after a brief career as a professional sports hypnotist on extended leave from the Nasty Cup Cakes.   He has convinced himself several times that he can play hockey and they are finally letting him prove himself terrible at hypnosis. He did finally quite stick handling, a nasty habit to kick.

The game started and ended much like the bluejays loss tonight against their Chief opponents.  We fell behind mostly due to Marquis DeLethargy's reminiscing gaze sometimes peering off into the distant centreline where the strawbs did seem to be returning quite frequently.  He seemed to be looking for shadows of his former defensive duo, who use to saunter and lumber about the offensive zone checking anything stupid enough to skate with-in an arm's reach.  Marquis' longing for slow motion plays, those distant memories of after school road hockey on cool summer nights failed to draw his attention to the net thirsty chiefs who pounced the crease like wild animals on raw meat.  
There were brief moments of scoring ingenuity by our very own Slickery, Neil Hatrick Harris, Neal the playmaker and the new blood and Shiny-protoje Stashery.  If not for the curse of Lenny the score would have been 15-10.

The team convened at the Whacky Tavern to consumed water, budweiser, New Ontario Beer (some on the floor, table and chairs) and to speak of their first loss as learning experience.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Vice Retirement Letter


It is with some sadness that I am announcing my retirement from on-ice participation for the Killer Strawberries Hockey Club.  After much soul searching, it seems that I have gone to seed.  I think if I lose any more steps I will be out of stairs.

All in all, 25-30 years of playing with the Strawbs has been a pretty good run.  While I may not miss my diminished on-ice contributions, I will miss the team in the dressing room and the post game beverages.

I am very confident in the current team management and their ability to continue the Strawbs tradition in the Canadore College Hockey League.

Please let me know your schedule this season as I'd like to attend some games and handle one of the bench doors.

In so far as the rest of the Killer Strawberries Hockey and Gentlemen's Club activities go, I plan to continue to participate as I have in the past.

Go Strawbs!


ps  I will still be playing hockey this season every Friday afternoon with some pretty great guys including some current and former Strawbs.  As well I will be playing for the Leafs in the over 45 Original 6 League, where, as it turns out, I will still be one of the "more veteran" players.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Press Release - Barbaros the Terrible Resigns

Press release 

September 21, 2016

North bay,on

Per: Marcus " the enforcer" Barber

t is with great sadness that I have to announce my retirement form the CHL. I have been relocated to east coast of Ontario in the beautiful city of Ottawa. I would like thank to thank the Killer Strawberries organization for giving the opportunity to play and show case my small range of talents. And big time hit capabilities. I would like to thank magboy (Denis) for showing me some important off ice lessons. On the that comes in mind that ( his name isn't Dougie it's Billy) well to little to late. And one last shout out to my little buddy who received my backup when needed even if he wasn't in danger of harassment from out opponent scum. Kevin " mayor" may it's time for me to set you free and have you open your wings and fight your own damn battles. And to the other Strawberries keep your sticks up and let them know your there!"


Friday, February 12, 2016

Team Photo

Killer Strawberries 2015-2016

Saturday, January 30, 2016

Winter semester slump

Strawbs 5    Puck-n-Chuck 3
Winter record 10-4-1 (unconfirmed)

Half the team's age was missing with the absence of the most senior members of the team.  With only 7 skaters, the Strawbs  narrowly averted a defeat by the nun Chucks.  Where was Gawd when he was most needed?  Where was the Vice when needed to strong hold the zone?  There must have been a 2 for 1 special on colonoscopies.  The other no shows had good enough reasons.
The Chucks left it all on the ice in this match, but in true Strawberry fashion we managed a victory on paper. No points for style.  

Dr. Thug, scoring 2, achieved his 6432nd goal since his birth if you count the goals from his pre-colonial mesoAmerican stick ball league.  Neil Ha-trick Harris continued his goal streak and is the first rookie since Magboy to surpass the 10 goal a season mark.  If this continues, he may be asked back next season.

Our own tonsorial artist of pain, Barberos the Wicked, dished out a huge body blow directed at the other team's alpha player.  He ejected himself from the game, returned to his cave and feasted on pheasant, tubers and wine.  As a result the league dealt with this swiftly and issued a memo from its satellite head office in Wawa. For reasons of privacy, security and skewed interests, this memo has been redacted.

Friday, November 27, 2015

2015-2016 Strawbs Record 7-1

The Strawbs started the season very strong. On one short benched occasion a loss was given up to an eager squad. I don't recall their name, and it's not important.  The record currently sits at 7 and 1 with the Strawbs securely sitting in second place.

The new players, Mountain Man Neil and Marky Marcus, have stepped up in the scoring department taking leads from Magboy and Slickery.  Mountain Man, fueled by venison, moose, bear, and college drive road kill of any condition, often bulls his way up the ice and through his opponents.   Marky Marcus, the team's on ice etiquette enforcer, highest paid Northern Ontario Pee-wee league referee and closest character stand in for Philly Cheese skates, has been a top scoring contributor when not socializing with his zebra brethren.  The Mayor has also been a scoring role model declaring that he is only shooting for the elusive crossbar / post ping combo on any shot.   So far he has missed 5 empty net goals.   The Thug continues on Thugging.  His new extendable stick boom has allowed him to take down escaping opponents from up to 10 feet away.   When Sarge is not protecting the defensive zone (D. Duty), he is up front with his white camo jersey carpet bombing the opponents net with tips and redirects.  (Lots of warning shots)  Maybe the firing range is necessary along with a sight alignment.   Keep firing!  

The team elders continue to redefine their defensive style by any means necessary. Somehow it's working.  Gawd has recently been voted the most patient breakaway goal scorer in Strawbs history.  The Vice's offense positioning is so honed that he doesn't have to skate anymore. Soon he will be fork lifted into his preferred position and remain their for the duration of the game. Tests have yielded decent goals for and against averages.  The Vice's assists have been slightly affected.
Shinny Sean has made new adjustments as well. We are not sure what they are, but as long as he is skating the Vice doesn't need to move.

So the final Fall season match is to take place Dec. 3rd against the league's number one placed team, the Mongeese.  The Mongeese-es are another Canadore league franchise that have been making a name for themselve over the years. 
Of course they don't have a blog, facebook page, training compound in Hawaii, farm team, nano brewery, clothing line, alumni organization, board of executives and any pictures of them wearing their jersey with a backdrop of the Great Pyramids of Giza.   

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Killer Strawberries and Gentlemen's Club

The Killer Strawberries capped off their 2014-2015 season with a victory claiming the B Championship.

Sunday, December 07, 2014

Pajama Man's 40th Birthday

Some Killer Strawberries joined up to help Pajama Man celebrate his 40th birthday.

Friday, December 05, 2014

Killer Strawberries 2014-2015

Here are this year's Killer Strawberries.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Game report (6-4-1 record)

Strawbs 2 - Easton Infected 3

In recent history, the Brew Crew smoked a few HackDarts and played rough with the Easton who caused a Master Bladder Infection when they should have been Load Slinging or feeding the Mongeese.

Last night the Strawberries, with only 5 skaters + goalie (the minimum), had a great chance of winning against the Infected.  The only opportunity for rest was to perform a deed worthy of a slow glide to the Sin Bin where your BPM was sure to fall below 200 for only a few minutes.  3 Strawbs played the whole game while the other 3 warmed up the seat next to the time keep.

The EF squad of 12+ players failed to cease this game as a sure win. The Strawbs have the ability to play at the other teams' level, to rise to the challenge and play with competitive plasticity. You give it 100 when you need 100 or give it 60 when that's all you need.  

6 absent players decided that ZERO was good enough. Homework, workwork, dental distress, mental arrest and watching dancing with the stars on US timeshift were among the reasons for missing the game.   Playing hockey is supposed to be one of those events that you don't miss unless you have misplaced your heart beat,  lost a few limbs or failed to change your clock back to daylight savings time.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

A Hit Below the Crossbar

Game report (4-3 record)

Strawbs 1 - The Load Slinger 0 (with a slight case of carpel tunnel)

Regrets tonight were Dr Thug (suffering from a wind tunnel testing injury), Shiny and Riley Motors.  

Their jerseys were menacing like Viper's jet from Top Gun.  In this story Goose did not die, and the ice man wasn't an egotistical hero supporting antagonist rather simply a solid water resurfacing engineer. Enough with 80 classics.  The Straws hit them below the crossbar and earned a 1 nothing game early.

Marquis came up large on a few key occasions playing a great positional game in net.  It was once said that Marquis de Save can be as reliable as a good quality toilet paper. 1

Fortunately for us, the Load Slingers, whose evening practices occur in front of a mirror, couldn't put it south of the cross bar on most open shots. Philly Cheese won 103% of all face offs including 2 from the bench. Sarge and Ken kept on the pressure nearly scoring every shift with Ken play-making the only assist of the game winning goal.

Slick and Mayor Maynot "didn't" but that's OK because most of their time was well spent killing time trying to score through a log truck spill of sticks that lay'ed across the shooting lanes and crease.

The big stars tonight were the short staffed defense. Credit goes to The Vice, Fiss'erman Bro and Charlie Tango.  Bravo to you in November, lets go drink some whiskey..... hope you echo that. 

It was too early to go anywhere but home and consume anything beige.... anything.