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Monday, October 24, 2011

Happy Hour

Killer Strawberries 7 Aviation Invasion 3

Game Report
( Record 1-1)

After being beaten handily last week by a team of acne plagued speedmongers, the Killer Strawberries, bolstered by the absence of Dr. Butcher Brophey and others of his ilk, finally got into the win column with an impressive 7-3 victory over a befuddled Aviation Invasion.

The game marked the illustrious debut of Lil’ Wagner, 1/3 brother of the Marquis DeSave, the squad’s probationary goal keeper who has yet to suit up for a match this year. The Marquis’s vision quest to Labrador ends this week and he has threatened to play in the Strawbs’ next game, the Executive willing.

Lil Wagner showed all the determination his lesser sibling lacks and scored 4 goals to cement his spot on the roster for the time being. “It is awful nice to start out the season playing with such excellent linemates “ he mused at the post game press conference. “Mayor Maynot, despite his drinking problem, is a Gary Croteau-type centre. And we all know how good he was. As for the Ice Marshal, well, enough said.”

Pyjama Man continued his frustrating season. “He seems disoriented” noted the team psychiatrist. “Probably too many paint fumes from the renovations to his new house. When it comes to mental constipation, there are a lot of variables to consider."

Despite the victory, there were some worrying signs of the inevitable effects of aging among certain team members. Freight Train Laronde, crashed down, unassisted, onto one of his knees and watched most of the second period from the bench. With all that weight on a single point of impact, he was forced to have his wife, Lazily Lamoan, drive him to Emerg. for a quick look-see. He was cleared for physio and plans to return to form by no later than tomorrow.

MagBoy also played injured, hobbling about the ice surface like a two-legged horse with both good legs sprouting from the same side. Apparently he has been pulling his groin quite a bit over the last month and hopes to stop soon. The Vice was a mess too, nursing a very sore elbow, the condition of which has been exacerbated with his relentless 24 hour care of the newly-minted invalid, his wife and co-dictator, Madame Lachaise. His self-imposed physiotherapy regimen of Guinness consumption out of 20 oz glasses ought to help immensely.

After the game, many thirsty Strawbs reassembled at the Terminal Tavren to engage in some much needed elbow stretching and commiseration.

2 Okanagans, 2 Muskoka Cream Ale, 1 Guinness, 2 Bud Light, 12 warm 50’s, 2 pounds of Shirley MacLain chicken wings and too many injury reminders were consumed.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

The Killer Strawberries Go to the Symphony

The Killer Strawberries attended the symphony on Saturday night, a non-game day. The Butcher's daughter was all the rave with her oboe virtuosity. She obviously didn't get her chops from the old man.

The Butcher's daughter all a-glow in the Strawbs' finest.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011


Game Report

October 17, 2011

Killer Strawbs 5 Barn Muckers 8

It was a less than auspicious debut for the Killer Strawberries in their first game of the season against the Barn Muckers. They started the schedule while missing several players of dubious morals and commitment. The Marquis DeSave was screeched-in in Newfoundland where he had flown at the last minute to meet some bimbo he had met on the internet. Word has it that he was less than enamoured with Tiffany Smallwood, a toothless, transvestite hooker from Corner Brook. “I just couldn’t get over the mustache” was all he could muster in his most recent Tweet.

Dr. Thug, Concussion Canada’s Poster Boy of the Decade, was a no show. He didn’t call. He didn’t write. He didn’t email. Rumour has it that he was clipping his grandmother’s toenails as her 125th birthday gift and, somehow in all the excitement, lost track of time.

The 2 rookies drafted by the team’s scouts, the lovely Olsen twins, failed to appear. As penance, they have been ordered to help Gawd complete the move-in to his new residence just down the road from the Butcher. “I’ve only had 45 days to get settled” whined the “never-on-time” rearguard. “Besides, I’ve been sharing recipes and gardening tips with my new neighbours’ wives, and we all know how much time that can take.” It is fully expected that, with the rookies’ help, he will have a least 2 more boxes uncrated by Christmas, 2012.

On the ice, nothing really exciting happened, as the Strawbs did their best impressions of opium-addled flies caught in a spider’s web. Except for Mayor Maynot (and Shiny for the first 2 minutes of the game), the top speed recorded in the game was 12 miles per hour, which was the speed the Butcher reached as he crossed the ice to start the game. Dr. Bonehead was the first to arrive at the arena and the last to get to the bench before the puck was dropped. He blamed his tardiness on a recalcitrant bowel movement which left him grunting and squeezing helplessly in the public water closet. Being a world renowned mathematician, he worked it out with a pencil. On a positive note, Freight Train Laronde scored his first marker in a century, a beautiful knuckler from 45 feet out.

After the game, a small sprinkling of Strawbs reconvened at the Terminal Tavren to compare shortcomings. The discussion ended around 2:15am with a lot of territory left to cover.

41 Leaf Trail Pumpkin Ale, a mickey of Aqua Velva, 3 pounds of Avril Lavigne chicken wings and the memory of one rather unpleasant giveaway at the blueline were consumed.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Killer Strawberries 1st game of the 2011-2012 season TONIGHT at 10pm!!!