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Thursday, December 22, 2005

Disaster Averted: "Gumby" Pettigrew Keeps His Moniker...Almost

After furious and often acrimonious negotiations with the trademark holders of the "Gumby" rights worldwide at the Aloha Baby Compound in Oahu, Ice Marshall Walpole has secured a 57 year licence for the use of the name "Gumby" as it" may or may not apply to the public and private persona of any human or quasi human being bearing a passport in the name of Michael Q. Pettigrew the Third and who toils or simulates toil or has, in the past, simulated toil with the world renowned Killer Strawberries Hockey and Gentlemen's Club."

The name can be used for whatever purposes the club sees fit but with one caveat, namely that the appellation "Gumby" must be used in association with the word" Gawdawful".

The team Executive is elated with the result. "I couldn't see myself calling him "Puddinhead" for the rest of my life" said a subdued but obviously relieved Rob "The Torch" Greenfield. He'll always be "Gumby" to me, even if he is gawdawful. Rumour out of Oahu has it that the fatter Olsen twin was also instrumental in brokering the historical deal under the guidance of the Ice Marshall.

"Gawdawful Gumby" Pettigrew could not be reached for comment at the Betty Ford in Minnesota.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Pre-Christmas personnel evaluation meeting

Greetings mortals,

There will be a pre-Christmas personnel evaluation meeting and CD release party on Wednesday, December 21 at 7:30pm at the Bull. Hope to see you there.


Thursday, December 15, 2005

"Dr. Thug" is either lost in concentration over the "terminal tavern round table" discussion between "Pajama Man" and "PH Gumby" following another Strawbs victory or he is "napping" while waiting for another round of Kilkenny and wings.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

WAAAAAA! I Want My Mommy.
(Gumby Pettigrew Locates A Glaring Omission To The Game Report Of Dec 1)

I, "Gumby" Pettigrew, am somewhat dismayed and also disappointed that no mention was made of the obvious issue involving 'zebra-vision' and the ensuing calling-back of two, yes, 2 (in-case you understand #s better) potential goals, on two/2 separate occassions, against the very same player, on virtually identical shots.
Not only is it imperative that our supporters/readers be made aware of the obvious challenge the Strawbs face game-in and game-out, with this new form of potential viral-type pandemic now be labelled as 'zebra-vision,' but I also believe that the Strawbs Executive (and Paris) need to be informed of this as well.
"Dr. Thug" and "Pajama Man" discuss the high points of their recent play as the Strawbs finished their first half of the season "almost undefeated" with only one loss.
"Smokey" Hill and "Butcher" Brophey look serious as they "re-hash" the game.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Stentorian Strawbs Stalwarts Stifle Student Steenboks
Game Report - Killer Strawberries Hockey and Gentlemen’s Club
December 1, 2005

In a stunning stonk of hockey legerdemain, cunning and grace, the Killer Strawberries juggernaut continued its march to the Cup with a convincing 5-0 trouncing of a feisty and less than gentlemanly Aviation squad bent on knocking the high flying Strawbs down a notch or two. The Strawbs, still stinging from its only loss this year at the hands of last night’s opponents in an ignominious game forever erased from its collective memory, made sure that, from the get go, the result would never be in doubt.

On the defensive side, Jesse “The Leak” continued his stellar play, coming up with some big stops in the first period. As a result of his work this season, he will be asked to return for the next game in January 2006, provided he keeps his nose clean over the holidays and shows at up the Ice Marshall’s and the Vice Ice Marshall’s every time it snows more than 2 centimetres. Some may think this is taking undue advantage of an impressionable student, but the IM and VIM would rather look at it as helping the puck stopper stay in shape, a shape which last year approached a worrisome likeness to the Michelin Man and “Butcher” Brophey.

The Strawbs’ defensive core of “Smokey” Hill, “Gumby” Pettigrew, “Freight Train” Laronde and “Butcher” Brophey formed a cohesive mass of menacing halitosis fuelled marauders, killing endless penalties with aplomb, dignity and a snarliness not seen since “Pyjama Man” tried to swipe the last chicken wing from the powerful grasp a particularly ravenous “Dr. Thug” at last year’s year end soiree.

The VIM, Rob “The Torch” Greenfield, made some pretty passes, some of them on the ice. On 3 separate occasions he sprung the IM away on breakaways, the second of which resulted in the first goal of the game, a goal which some of you may have seen last night on Sportsline. John “Jean Jawn” broke out of his 40 game scoring slump and, with the help of a strong tailwind and a disoriented goalie, slid the puck deftly across the goal line, with millimeters to spare. “Magnesium Man”, using a stick Aurel Joliet tossed away in an October 24, 1935 game against the Chicoutimi Chicoutimis, also potted a rare goal to pad a growing lead. Powered by the promise of warm milk and cookies after the game, and with his mom in attendance, the “Love Glove” may or may not have added an insurance marker to ensure an Almost Undefeated first half for the Strawbs.

Mom “Love Glove” has now set a personal fan attendance record at Strawberries’ games, having shown up for 3 matches in a row. Never in the annals of Strawberry lore has there been a fan of such exemplary dedication. That Mom “Love Glove” still believes her boy can make it to the Big Time is enough to make this writer want to go out and hug a kitten.

At the post game debriefing, the bitching about the poor refereeing continued, especially from the VIM who was incensed he wasn’t allowed to call Ref “Giggles” a $#@*&&%$#@! to his face. “Butcher” Brophey, whose shot makes Stephen Hawking’s slapper look like a rocket, was not pleased either, having made 3 unnecessary trips to the Sin Bin. The Ice Marshall has agreed to look into the matter as soon as he can muster enough interest in the issue to actually care what anybody else thinks.

Fan Appreciation Days are being planned for the new year for spouses, girlfriends, mistresses and moms, on separate occasions as required. Details are sketchy at this time, but a committee is being struck to look into the possibility of setting up a steering committee to look into the creation of a permanent ad hoc body for the consideration of future stuff. We’ll keep our readers posted.

In an unrelated item, The Executive of the Killer Strawberries has informed the club that it will be prolonging its winter meetings in Hawaii, a move necessitated by the recent arrival of Paris Hilton at the team’s Aloha Baby Compound on Oahu. An unnamed wag is referring to the meetings’ extension as “The Vacuous meets the Vacant”, whatever that means.

6 jugs, 1 plate of nachos, 1 plate of calamari (ya, friggin calamari) 1 lb of chicken wings and some other amorphous mass were consumed.

Next game: wait for the phone call.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

The Killer Strawberries face off early in the game that the refs won.
The face off just before the refs, and some Strawbs, lose control.
On ice discussion prior to the parade to the penalty box.
The Strawbs fill the penalty box.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Strawbs Demolish Daffy Ducks Game Report
Strawbs 11-Other Guys 1

November 24, 2005

With a record crowd on hand to witness history in the making, a surging Killer Strawberries Hockey Club continued its relentless march toward a first ever OHL title. While it may have been true that the defeated and demoralized Ducks were short a goaltender, the brave Strawbs had to endure a strong 6 on 5 skater attack, making it difficult for extended periods to get the puck out of its zone with its usual ease. However, once the puck was cleared, a deft offence ensured victory by filling the opposition’s net with vintage Viceroy rubber.

The game saw the return of the ever dangerous Dr. Thug who received clearance to play from his chiropractor, Dr. Dolla Voodoo and his sceance coordinator, boulevardier and bon vivant, Ron Bacardi. Dr. Thug told the team after the game that his wind was good after the long layoff because, in the interim, he had been running. If what he displayed constituted good wind, many team members wondered aloud what his bad wind could be like. It was not long before they found out, much to everyone’s chagrin. It was unanimously agreed that the aging returnee had probably been running, not laps, but his Super Singer Serger & Sewing Machine while consuming too many Libby’s Deep Fried Beans (he describes the latter as his comfort food) (ain’t nobody else’s, that’s for sure).

The matchup with the Ducks was the first “Invite Your Personal Service Worker To The Game” Night, a brainchild conceived under dubious circumstances by the Strawberries Executive still involved in extended meetings in Hawaii. The result was the record crowd alluded to earlier in this report. Three probation and 2 parole officers, 4 AA buddies and one scantily attired “masseuse and amanuensis” rooted the team to victory. Unfortunately, only 2 Strawbs were able to retire to the terminal tavren (yes, tavren) of choice (The Bull) for post game sarsasparillas, the others unable to either elude the sticky clutches of their personal service worker or, in one case, unable to resist the sticky clutches of his “personal service worker”.

It should be noted that the game was not without its stellar observations from Strawbs’ players who should know better. The upright member from Pyjamaville, in a moment of rare insight, enlightened the team with the astute revelation that he has noticed that he has had to get his skates sharpened twice as frequently since he and his Svengali intoxicated sidekick, Smokey Hill, have started to play twice as often each week. Ice Marshall Walpole was quick to lament that it was rather unfortunate that skate sharpening machines couldn’t be retooled to sharpen wits instead. It was not surprising that Pyjama Man asked IMW to explain what he meant. No explanation was immediately forthcoming, IMW having deemed any response likely to be futile, otiose and too mentally straining.

The Love Glove, probably dizzied by the pre-game announcement that he would be moved to the top line for the match, botched his opportunity to ever reach those rarefied hockey heights ever again by shooting wide of the opposition’s net a record 43 times in row, 6 of those times while inside the Duck’s hash marks. The team has provided the disappointing rookie with a referral to Dr. Thug’s motivational coach and serger repairer, Miss Narcissa Nonsuch of Bean Creek, Florida. One can only hope the disoriented and confused former high school All Star (Chippewa S.S. Chess Club, 2004) heeds management’s advice.

In another of a series of bonehead moves, Butcher Brophey, soon to be renamed Bonehead Butcher Brophey, stuck out the better of his two bad knees in an attempt to impede a hapless Duck’s retreat to his own bench. Old habits die hard and in BBB’s case, don’t seem to die at all. It would seem that his goal this year of earning the new moniker, Surgeon Brophey will have to wait for a few years, or more likely, the revision of Strawberries’ history by some relative to whom he will have left a lot of money. Fat chance of that, given the way BBB wastes his money on such gems as Don’s Cherry’s Rockem Sockem videos and the jockstrap Gary Croteau wore while toiling with the Kansas City Scouts in 1976.

Gumby Pettigrew completed his second game and was voted the game’s eleventh star, a first for him. Jesse The Leak let in a soft goal, Jon Jean Jawn was nursing a hangover and laboured under the effects of his syphilis medication. Magnesium Man was, well, Magnesium Man. Freight Train Laronde was drinking in Sudbury with his buddy, former Strawbs sniper, Mr. Huile De Palmolive Perron.

4 pitchers, a screwdriver and an Ovaltine were consumed.

Next game: Thursday, December 1

Friday, November 25, 2005

Killer Strawberries' Summer Conference

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Rehab Gets Fallen Strawberry Out Of A Jam
Game Report, November 10, 2005

Mike "Gumby" Pettigrew made his triumphant, post rehab, return to the Strawbs last evening by contributing a dubious yet lyrical assist and some semi-solid defensive play in the team's 5-2 victory over the Dirty Stallions, a testosterone powered powerhouse bent on dethroning the first place Strawbs. "Gumby" also filled the big skates of an injured "Butcher" Brophey in another capacity by taking a boneheaded penalty with the game's outcome still much in doubt. A team player would have sucked up the flagrant "testicle massage" for the good of the team and exacted revenge out the zebras' sight at a later and more opportune time. The Executive, viewing the game from its annual retreat in Hawaii, was pleased with its "Gumby" reclamation project and remain cautiously optimistic that the detoxified Strawberry can stay away from those elements which almost caused his fatal descent into ignominy.

Graham "The Love Glove" stepped up his game when promoted to the team's top line alongside the highly effective "Torch" and the ever dangerous "Ice Marshall". Spurred by the presence of his mom and dad and his most recent probation officer, "The Love Glove" had a 3 point night, highlighted by a seeing eye goal which stumped the stunned Stallion's stopper who had to contend with the menacing shadow of Freight Train Laronde as he lurked just outside the crease, unmolested, his breath smelling heavily of watered down Aqua Velva. There is something about an Aqua Velva Man.

The one game scoring streak of Frank " Pyjama Man" Gibbons, his longest of the year, came to a screeching halt as he seemed to be more interested in hearing the sound of the puck striking the glass than actually finding the back of the net as he was taught at the Strawb's last dry land training session. The Executive believes that a stint with the club's farm team in Smuckers, Pennsylvania, may not be too far in the offing.

Jon Jean Jawn looked more like Emmanuel Sandhu at the 2002 World's than the mean scoring machine he touted himself to be at his inaugural recruiting session at the Bull on August 23, 2003. He failed to complete at least 3 loosely patented Savardian Spinerama moves but, to his credit, did manage a somewhat anemic goal to put the Strawb's up 4-3 at a crucial time in the game.

Jesse "The Leak" continued his stellar play and will be allowed to stay with the team until they can find someone better. "Magnesium Man" has suggested he might fill the role but was quickly reminded of the 10 year goaltending ban imposed on him last season by the cruel but benevolent Executive. "Smokey" Hill did nothing to distinguish himself. He had better remove himself from the spell of his new Svengali, "Pyjama Gibbons", before his game deteriorates much further.

Post game debriefing held at Casey's. 4 Ovaltine, 3 Shirley Temple's and 1 warm milk were consumed.

Next game: Thursday, November 24 at 8:45 pm.

Monday, November 07, 2005


This is a partial list of former Killer Strawberries, or "Strawberries Gone to Seed." If you can think of any more names please comment and add the names.

Mike Pettigrew, Don McLEan, Denis Perron, Derek Erickson, Ruth Dillabough, Lori Springall, Amanda Bradford, Brian Hoult, Harry Burton, Bryan Anderson, Dean Haley, Rick Bishop, Roy Coxshead, Dan Cote, Mark Merrit, Duane Walpole, Reg Neeposh, Sylvain Cote, Steve O'Farrell, Cedric Deschamps, Kim Nguyen, Phil Popp, Kevin Roy, Justin Mathias, Jonathon Witt, Craig Vanier, Paul Cunningham, Greg Horner, Karen Bates, Jesse Demaine, Frank (from up north), Guy from the Soo who played midget, Dave Richmond, Sluggo, John Groulx,

Friday, November 04, 2005

Wily Vets Veto Voracious Mooser Victory Designs

Game Report
Killer Strawberries Hockey And Gentlemen's Club
By Ice Marshal Walpole

Despite prognostications to the contrary by experts in the field of hockeyology, the Killer Strawberries continued their winning ways with a magnificent, come-from-behind victory over a hungry squad of rabid Moosers, the best dressed team in the league by a wide margin. And not just any come-from-behind victory either! Once again, the Strawbs were victims of the kind of absenteeism currently rampant in Rob The Torch's Friday morning classes and all of Butcher Brophey's classes. With a meager reserve bench strength of 2 (or less when hammered with another flagrantly incompetent call by the Blind Zebras from DeVuonoland), the Strawbs overcame adversity to notch, in the words of one long time observer currently residing in a lock down unit at the north end of North Bay, the sweetest victory since Pyjama Man Gibbons overcame his over the counter drug abuse problem and turned his life around.

Jon Jean Jawn, using his loosely patented Savardian spinarama move, perfected in the countless wee hours of a rather poor and cold and dull Kirkland Lake upbringing, finally found the back of the net, a spot not unfamiliar to the above mentioned Pyjama Man who also scored to keep his one game scoring streak alive. The surprise of the evening came when Magnesium Man Buchwald, whose last name, translated from the Low German, means something like "the little strip of scraggy hedge in the front yard that dogs and drunkards like to piss on on the way home from the Gasthaus", put the Strawbs up for good with a deke move that can only be described as difficult to emulate in a gravitational field. Magnesium Man was so impressed with his unusual exploit that he found it necessary to repeatly regale the post game attendees with accounts of his prowess, which accounts became more outrageous with each telling. Should the final version of his story make it out to an unsuspecting public, let it be known that:

a) his leg was not broken,
b) there were not 16 guys piled upon his back from the blueline in, and
c) he did not nudge the puck into the net with the loose set of false teeth he was wearing, which false teeth were supposedly inherited from his Oma on his mother's side.

Jesse The Leak played his second best game of the year and has been invited to return for the next match on November 10, having copped First Star Honours and all.

At the post game festivities, attended by Freight Train Laronde, the "pissed on hedge guy" and Ice Marshall Walpole, it was unanimously agreed that girls have been, for the most part, a fine addition to life on this planet and that the Bible was originally written in Aramaic, Greek and Hebrew by Carl Sagan. Four jugs and a plate of natchos were consumed.

Next game is November 10 at 9:30.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

One of the best Strawberry teams ever, the "Almost Undefeated Year."
A motley crew of Strawberries.
Old, Ripe Strawbs

Monday, October 31, 2005

Strawberries Pull One Out Of The Pumpkin Patch

Game Report
By Ice Marshall Walpole

In keeping with the spirit of Halloween, the Strawbs disguised themselves as the Killer Pumpkins in their tilt last night against a spooked squad aptly named the Crazy Puckers. In donning the highly flattering orange "away" jerseys magnanimously provided by the league in its infinite wisdom, the Strawberries waited until 19:56 of the final period to put away the game in a hard fought 4-3 battle.

Playing with the opposition (and, of course themselves) has become a favourite team pursuit, second only to the post game quaffing and unabashed exaggeration to be had at the terminal tavren (yes, tavren) of choice, the highly touted Bull & Quench, home of the $40 Guinness.

Pyjama Man Gibbons led the squad with his first hat trick and treat of the season, which stellar performance included the winning goal on a lovely swoop to the net. This performance should quell, at least for the short term, those rancid rumours which attributed his lackluster output so far to a lack of attention at home and/or a serious over the counter drug problem.

Butcher Brophey continued his strong case for demotion by racking up a less than impressive minus 2 within the first 40 seconds of the game. To stanch the bleeding caused by his poor play, No Knees removed himself from the game soon thereafter. It was not lost on the Executive that, with the beleaguered defenceman's withdrawal, the Strawberries outscored the opposition 4-1 the rest of the way.

Rob "The Torch" Greenfield landed the best full body block of the evening saving a sure breakaway but leaving the team short for a lengthy 3 minutes. His claim of "accidental body contact" is starting to wear thin with both his teammates and the ever vigilant zebras.

The game also saw the return of Freight Train Laronde, who missed the last Strawberries match because of a scheduling conflict... a conflict between
a) the official hockey schedule showing the right place and time for the game, and,
b) the reading challenged defenceman's left brain which failed to communicate with his right brain.

As a result, Mr. Laronde has been forced to resign his presidency of the Nipissing Ltterricy Sosiaty but is still welcome to skate with the team.

Smokey Hill, whose shot found the opposition net on at least one occasion last evening, continues his quixotic quest to have smoking allowed on the benches and during on ice lulls in play. We wish him luck and hope he gets his way before he succumbs to lung cancer. ( The team is currently weighing his unusual request to have RJ Reynolds and the Marlboro Man as pall bearers should the need arise)

The first star of the game, chosen by an independent panel of hangers-on, was once again Ice Marshall Walpole who narrowly edged Pyjama Man for the coveted honour. He certainly was not chosen for his play, which was described by one casual fan, as haphazard, sloppy and vainglorious. This writer suspects it was his good looks and attention to strategic detail that tilted the balance in his favour.

Next game is set for Thursday, November 3 at 9:30.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

4-1 WIN!

Strawberries DeFlambayed (sp)
Game Report
October 24, 2005

After coming off a disappointing loss caused exclusively by ex Strawberry and connoisseur of women's fine linens, Gumby Pettigrew, the elder statesmen of the Canadore Rec. League pulled off an upset of brobdignagian proportions against a determined squad from outer Sturgeon Falls. The final score of 4-1 does not do justice to the 8 intrepid Strawberries who bothered to show up for the match at beautiful Pete Palangio Arena, home of the 120% Sugar Slurpy. The game proved to be a battle of youth versus wily veterans and their younger apprentices. Using a modified version of the trap play made famous in the 1952 international championship match between the Penticton Comets and those Stalinist pigs of the Leningradospostopol Potato Vodkas, the Strawbs carried the play most of the night, allowing very few chances for their opponents to score.
Magnesium Man Buchwald, recently cleared of all accusations brought against him by the brass at the Brass Rail, a Toronto eating and ballet establishment of no small repute, led the team in scoring, notching at least one goal which defied the laws of gravity, inertia and quantum physics. Butcher Brophey continued his bone head play by taking an unnecessary penalty with no one left on the bench and 5 minutes left to play. He claimed later, at a liquid debriefing, that all he was doing was protecting our goalie, Jesse The Leak. How attempting to carve out the spleen of a Sturgeon skater of the female persuasion trying to move the puck out of her own end constitutes "protecting our goalie" will be lost on any right thinking Strawberry or other lesser mortal for years to come.

It must be noted that the Strawberries Executive, while pleased the club was able to wrestle a victory from the jaws of defeat, was not a little incensed by the anemic turnout for the game. Dr. Thug Procunier, who unlike a couple of other of his absent counterparts, had the courtesy to advise the Executive of his probable no show, nevertheless attempted the bald face assertion that he would likely be unable to play against Sturgeon due to the lingering effects of a so called concussion suffered in the last Strawbs' match, about which no one is ever to speak again. If the bleeding concussion were so bad, how did he muster from his near death bed the energy and clearmindedness to announce his probable absence? The mind reels. The Strawbs continue their march to the Cup.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Strawberries Flambayed (sp)

Game day: October 20, 2005

On an evening when Glenn "No Knees No Go" Brophey excelled himself by scoring twice in the same period on a net other than his own, using a shot often described as anemic, the Strawberries managed to eke out a 7-5 loss against an Aviation Team loaded with over 100 players intent on beating the crap out of a legendary hockey institution.

The Strawbs put themselves into a jam by blowing a 5-3 lead with less than 3 minutes to play (and on a 7 minute power play to boot). This debacle rivals nothing in the annals of glorious Strawberries' history and shall remain a blot on the club's record for weeks to come. Ice Marshall Walpole placed the blame directly upon the shoulders of everyone but himself, having been self-confined to the bench during the last 3 minutes of play (upper body injury apparently).

"The defence just ran out gas and the darn forwards refused to cross inside their own blueline," lamented an unnamed member of the Strawbs' executive. "I place the blame squarely on the shoulders on those ridiculously lazy slugs". No forwards came forward to accept or to refute the accusation as they swigged post game scotch in a futile attempt to forget the past and forge a brighter future, a future which actually did materialize for those prescient enough to proceed thereafter to the "terminal tavern" of choice: the Bull & Quench, the team's home away from home.

Through a Guinness and whiskey induced fog, the Bull and Quench attending coterie of Strawbs decided to forgive all those present and to place the true blame squarely upon the slopping shoulders of Mike "Gumby" Pettigrew who, having previous refused to join the Strawbs for the 2005-2006 season, had the unmitigated gall to show up at the Bull and Quench and ask if he could take a seat at the Strawbs table. Because the executive was feeling magnanimous (the Guinness having kicked in), the erstwhile Benedict Arnold (recently stricken from the Strawbs highly esteemed K.S. Hall of Fame) was given permission to take a seat just outside the men's washroom but still within sight and hearing of the assembled Strawbs cabal. After all, it was his fault the Strawberries lost!

Monday, October 17, 2005

The Killer Strawberries eeked out a 10-1 win this past Thursday night against the "less than mighty" Ducks in the 1st game of the 2005-2006 season. Backstopped by Jesse's great goaltending, the Strawbs were able to finish their chances while the Ducks were not. As usual, post game lies were swapped at the "Terminal Tavern".
The Strawbs next game is on Thursday, October 20 at 9:30 against the Aviation Team.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Two Strawbs enjoy a pop while discussing "retirement".

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

The Killer Strawberries ready themselves for another match.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005


It is with deep regret (and more than a modicum of relief) that the executive of the Killer Strawberries Hockey Club announce the unforced retirement of the the legendary Moses McLean.

Killer Strawberries The Legend

Dedicated to Mississippi Mills of the Mississippi Mills Trailer Park and Charm School, a comforter and friend of all things athletic.

The following announcement appeared mysteriously in the North Bay Nugget classified ads under the heading "Coming Attractions" on September 13, 1986. Attempts to trace the party responsible for the ad have proven futile.

Adventure of a Lifetime

Inaugural Formation of the Killer Strawberries Gentlemen's Club. 6:30pm Sharp, September 15, 1986, IOOF Hall, Cassells Street, North Bay, Ontario.

Interested parties are instructed to consult the Scottish Dialectic Dictionary housed in the library of the venerable Ancient Carnoustie Gentlemen's Sports Club, Carnoustie, Scotland, a copy of which is currently on loan to the North Bay Library.

The copy of the dictionary in question, the only extant copy known to mankind, was shipped out of the North Bay Library at the closing of business on September 15, 1986 and perished in an unfortunate maritime disaster in the North Atlantic on September 19, 1986. A recent visit by a former yet still virile member of the Killer Strawberries Hockey club to the library at Carnoustie unearthed the following definitions:

Killer: (definition #4)
OS (Old Scots), 1325 AD, helplessly handsome or gifted.

Strawberries:(definition #2)
OS, 1547 AD, addicted to hookey.
On September 15, 1986 at 7:37pm at the IOOF Hall on Cassells Street in the City of North Bay, 12 adventuresome spirits, chronic misspellers and punctual underachievers, one of whom unexplainedly showed up with a bag of partially inflated soccer balls, answered the cryptic missive by attending the Inaugural Formation. They christened their new alliance "The Killer Strawberries Hockey (sic) Club". Over the years, there have been a few personnel changes, unresolved murders (related to a controversial change in bylaws opening the membership to the other sex) and clandestine meetings. Very few have been asked or will ever be asked to join this august body. All that can be said is that, with the existence of the club, the world continues to be a better place.

Monday, September 26, 2005

2006-2007 Team Roster

  1. Bob Walpole
  2. Rob Greenfield
  3. Glen Brophey
  4. Jesse Davis
  5. Frank Gibbons
  6. Gerald Laronde
  7. Bill Procunier
  8. Denis Buchwald
  9. Jason St.Pierre
  10. Mike Petigrew
  11. Warren Lewis

2003-2004 Team Roster

  1. Glenn No-knees No Go Brophey, 49, connoisseur of self love and other esoterica,
  2. Mike Floppy Drive Pettigrew, 48, last known to have sweated on a hockey rink in 1962
  3. Moses McLean, age unknown, great uncle to Aurel Joliette
  4. Rob The Torch Greenfield, 48, still defying his mother's rule not to play with matches
  5. Basher Bob Walpole, 48 but looks 25, largest groupie following of any Strwberry ever
  6. Derelict Erickson, 41 but looks 42, still staggering on and off the ice
  7. Dr. Bug Bill Procunier, 52, next year his age will match his IQ (rounded up to closest integer)
  8. Pyjama Frank Gibbons, 28 but plays like Aurel Joliette, no longer producing offspring without Strawberries' management consent
  9. Serene Dean Haley, 8, happy to be playing down to Strawberries' level
  10. Jon John Jean Confused Richard, 26, once spun himself through the ice to China where he still hit the post
  11. Jonathan T.Witt, 18 but looks 18, long hair got caught in girlfriend's zipper, AWOL since October 2003
  12. Denis the Pennis Buchwald, 25, recently let in 3 goals on 2 shots, asked by management to stay at least 20 feet away from his own crease
  13. Phil Upthenet Popp, 24, has played too many games without a helmet, best Strawberries' goalie ever according to his mom

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Official Site Opening

Welcome to the official Killer Strawberries Blog.