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Monday, December 08, 2008

Rookie Leads Strawbs' White Squad To Year End Victory

Strawberries 1 F-Word 0 (Default)

Game Report

December 1, 2008

Lured to the rink by the false promise of a possible visit by Santa, the Killer Strawberries iced a full squad for its scheduled match against F-Word. Unfortunately, the members of F-Word don't believe in Santa and decided to send only 2 of its team to do battle.

Instead of knocking off early to the Terminal Tavren, the gritty Strawbs convinced the non-believers to join in an intra-squad match won easily by the Whites. The laggard Greens, led(?) by the Vice, Slickery, the Butcher and Sir Gumby were atrocious. They could not even win the added shootout nor the 6 on 6 finale. Perhaps they were dazzled by the fancy footwork of team's newest addition, Miss Knottybehaviour, pictured below.

Miss Knottybehaviour is expected to stay with the team for as long as she escapes the notice of the more puritanical of its followers.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Billy Goated

Ramrods 5 Killer Strawberries 3

Game Report

November 27, 2008

It was a close game until the final minute when a small, MagBoy-like brain fart resulted in an unfortunate turnover deep in the Strawberries end. With 57 seconds remaining on the clock, the Ramrods pounced on a poorly propelled puck and promptly deposited it behind a disconsolate Leak, who, until that point, had been stymieing the relentless opposition with superlative goaltending.

With the score now 4-3 in favour of the Ramrods, the Strawbs pulled their goalie and began putting on some good pressure in the opponent’s zone. Somehow the puck escaped the pressure and listlessly floundered back toward the Strawbs’ end of the rink. Dr. Billy The Goat Procunier (aka dr. Thug) sped to corral the biscuit before an icing could be called. Who knows why?

Exhausted from his skate back, he proceeded to launch a perfect pass across the front of his own net….perfect in the sense that it was sublime lunacy from a sublime lunatic. The puck was easily intercepted by a rather surprised Ramrodder who, faced with a yawning cage, deftly deeked out the crease, put a fake on the goal line and wired his gift horse into an astonished mesh: Ramrods 5 Strawberries 3.

At the Presser immediately following the game, a contrite Dr. Thug, his wicket firmly planted between his legs could only say “I’m sorry. I’ve been up late every night this week preparing for King Richard’s (his son’s) December mid-terms. All I can think about is E=MC2, ribonucleic acid, and the new Britney Spears video which I need to study for Rich’s Anatomy exam. I hope I won’t be sent down again to the farm team’s farm team.” The Executive was less forgiving than the good doctor was to himself, fining Billy The Goat a Panjoram (2 hogsheads) of single malt for his faux pas.

Other than the two last minute miscues, the Strawbs played a very strong game. Perhaps they were trying hard to ensure that their newest pickup, Slickery Elbows McMillan, would remain with the squad for the remainder of the season. Slickery had been recruited after a lengthy search by the tireless Executive of all the local frozen ponds, frozen ditches and customary, less-than-reputable, post-game watering holes. Slickery was spotted on November 25, 2008 exiting a rather dubious establishment at 2:22 am, as he drove out of the darkened parking lot with his headlights off, wearing little more than the self-satisfied grin of an incorrigible tomcat escaping a successful back alley encounter. He was pulled over by the alert Vice who promptly signed him to a one way, one year, no trade contract, pending a check of his possible involvement in any three way love triangles which could come back to haunt the team.

Slickery took no time establishing himself as a force to be reckoned with. Prowling the ice like an undercover eel, he slipped in here, dangled there and scored the game’s first goal: a sloppy shot but a goal nevertheless. Preliminary reviews of his play have been favourable. The rest of the team pulled up their red socks in his wake, with excellent efforts being proffered especially by Shiny Sean Brightly, Freight Train Laronde, Archilles and Warrin’ Peace; about time for at least 2 of them.

Butcher Brophey continued to strengthen the team with his prolonged absence. Rumours have been swirling about that the team’s tactical surgeon is undergoing an emergency addadicktomy somewhere near Gotenburg, Sweden. Other reports have him trying unsuccessfully to sanitize his equipment at Atomic Energy of Canada before he returns to wreak havoc on the teams in the Canadore Intramural league, including his own. Another rumour has him nursing Miss White Go Go Boots back to health after a strenuous Legionnaires’ Convention in Las Vegas, Manitoba. (Her convention, not his).

As was inevitable, the Killer Strawberries adjourned to the Terminal Tavren to discuss their performance and to generate new rumours. They were successful on both counts.

4 Stella, 6 Blue, 2 Bud Light, 2 Black and Tan, 1 celery stick, and half a Panjoram of single malt were consumed .

Friday, November 21, 2008

Spitfires Find Wrong End of The Stick

Spitfires Find Wrong End of The Stick

Strawberries 5 Spitfires 1

Game Report

November 20, 2008

Strengthened by the absence of Butcher Brophey (hip flexor) and Sir Gumby (ego bruise), the Killer Strawberries shot down a squad of belligerent Spitfires by a score of 5-1, thus avenging an earlier loss earlier in the week.

Shiny Sean Brightly was the star of the game, playing 4 or 5 positions simultaneously, offending and defending insouciantly. As the Vice so diplomatically put it, “For a fatter guy than the Ice Marshal, he sure is nimble”.

Dr. Thug, MagBoy and Pyjama Man played with each other as best they ever have, going so far as to continue their triumph with a celebratory communal shower. After tallying up the claims of each of these stalwarts, the final score should have been 19-1, with each of the trio getting an additional 8 assists on the evening: 43 points on 5 official goals, another case of the new math gone terribly awry.

Warrin’ Peace was finally allowed out the house for more than 5 minutes in the last month, accompanied by his parole officer/wife who looked on begrudgingly from the comfort of the lobby. He promptly made his presence felt, swooping and dashing like a new born colt high on alfalfa. It was a good thing he didn’t come out stale because his name had been paired frequently with the word “trade” in the last 2 weeks. Perhaps he was spurred on by the excellent play of his left winger, Archilles Perron who finally broke free of the hockey doldrums to deliver his best on ice performance of the season. He attributed his improved play to the new Yanni CD he has started to play in his car on the way to the arena.

Freight Train and the Vice were veritable monoliths on defence and we’re not just referring to their imposing physiques in this case. They wisely used their bulks to force Spitfires to take the long way around to get to loose pucks. It is estimated that the feckless Spitfire foes skated an additional 4,324 miles on the evening just to get around the physical roadblocks scattered repeatedly in their way. Big can be beautiful.

While the score may suggest a cakewalk, it was anything but. Jesse The Leak was tested and came out on top on numerous occasions. Moreover, the Spitfires, fresh from their recent pre-frontal lobotomies, attempted to intimidate the Strawbs with their constant hacking and slashing and overall poor sportsmanship. Unfortunately, they found out that the Killer Strawberries cannot be frightened by much beyond their wives/girlfriends/mistresses. Whenever a foul was encountered, it was received with a counter-encounter; this usually took the form of an elbow to the head, blade to the scrotum or a nasty verbal rejoinder. On one occasion, near the end of the game, the Ice marshal was the victim of an attempted slew footing. To advise his opponent of his opposition to such a piece of poor sportsmanship, IMW promptly delivered a well placed two hander to the miscreant’s exposed hip flexor. The miscreant, in turn, took offence and charged the normally staid team leader. And what did the upstart get for his troubles? More troubles, in the form of a broken hand suffered while trying to re-arrange the Ice Marshal’s facial features. Unfortunately for the hapless assailant, his fist ran into the the marble block between his victim’s ears. “That’ll teach the little flibbertigibbit” spat the Ice Marshal in voice tainted with equal measures of scorn and triumph.

When the big scoring trio, mentioned above, finally emerged from the shower in dressing room 10, the team raced to catch final call at the Terminal Tavren. Injuries suffered were compared to injuries inflicted, and, continuing with the new math, it was determined that the Spitfires would probably all be dead or still in emerg. by next Tuesday. We are hopeful they have learned not to mess with the Israel of Canadore Intramural Hockey.

7 bottles of Black and Blue, 5 Stella, 3 Keiths, I Guinness and a can of whoopass were consumed.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Too Few Bodies

Spitfires 4 Killer Strawberries 2

Game Report

November 17, 2008

It has been a problem all season long. Except for one game this year, the Strawbs have been forced to face younger, faster and hungrier teams with a roster depleted by injury, pique, venereal disease and out-of-control wife control. Those who have shown up have played well above their abilities. It is unfortunate that Strawbs’ management couldn’t take all the extra weight put on by the team over the summer and create an additional skater or two for the team. Freight Train alone has put on enough bulk for 3 extra players. This is not a slight…it is just an observation. Freight Train has been carrying his weight night after night, unlike some gumbyesque others, whose name(s) cannot be mentioned in the interests of team harmony.

Last night was no exception to the chronic undermandedness of this august squad. Not only was the team at least one brick short of a load, some of the bricks had to play injured. The Vice was a veritable Timmy Cratchet, flaying about like a blind kitten caught in a bag of molasses. The team psychiatrist believes he is suffering from a loss of power which has accompanied his dethronement as Dictator By The Lake. Power corrupts…but loss of power corrupts absolutely.

Dr. Butcher Brophey played a stellar game despite the myriad of injuries which plagued his tortured torso. Although his ailments were self-reported, there is no reason to disbelieve that he was suffering from a hip flexor contusion, a jugular haematoma, non-athlete's foot, and a mysterious fungal affliction which is resulting in fewer post-game visits to the Zamboni Room. Looking at him in the dressing room, stripped to what is left of his manhood, one could not help but believe his claims. Nevertheless, his performance was exemplary against the Spitfires. In the dying seconds of the game, he hobbled his way into the opposition end and rifled a rocket off the crossbar, which shot, had it gone in, would have tied the game. He was chosen the game’s first star and received a certificate for a free hockey equipment sanitizing from Atomic Energy of Canada.

MagBoy continued his frenzied and feisty play, urged on certainly by a blond haired babe in the stands rumored to be his fiancee/housekeeper/personal banker. It could only have been love that propelled the team’s unofficial wit (he still has half-way to go before the full title is officially conferred upon him) to beat the crap out of the unfortunate Spitfire who:

a) tossed a carelessly lurid glance at his affianced, and,
b) had the temerity to skate across MagBoy's shadow in the dying embers of the game. It was a full evening’s work for our loose cannon and he deserves to be praised in this report.

Warrin’ Peace continued his string of unexplained absences. His latest excuse was that it is still deer season. This would normally be a good excuse but it has been learned that he was hunting deer on his home computer: doesn’t count. He had better show up soon or the team will not hold its next get together in his Garage Of Bad Ideas.

On the bright side, the team’s Executive has been summoned to Chicago by Obama’s presidential transition team. Seems the president-elect wants to ensure that the next round of free trade talks guarantees an unimpeded flow of Canadian hockey players to U.S. based teams. Apparently Obama once attended a charity-based hockey school in Oahu, Hawaii, which hockey school was one of the first eleemosynary ventures set up by the Strawbs’ Executive. Obama, a weak right winger, never forgot the kindness and especially the wisdom of the Strawbs’ organization which taught him the value of teamwork and practiced oratory. Young Barack was the first recipient of a Killer Strawberries Harvard scholarship and he obviously has used this leg-up to his advantage.

It is not expected that the prolonged absences of the Executive, now rooming temporarily at the Playboy Mansion, will affect this year’s drive to the Cup. The Executive plans to do some valuable recruiting while sojourning in Illinois. It is rumored that there will be some excellent talent on site which could boslter the team’s prospects on and off the ice.

As is and will forever be customary, the Strawbs recovened post-game at the Terminal Tavren to salve the wounds of defeat and to compare ailments, injuries and other personal affronts. Absentees were gently admonished and prayers of hope offered to the Great God Guinness.

20 bottles of Black and Blue, a pound of chicken wings, some flaccid fries and the team’s last tube of A535 were consumed.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

The Joy of Socks

Urban Outlaws 4 Killer Strawberries 2

Game Report

November 14, 2008

Once again, a shorthanded Strawbs squad came up against a benchful of screaming meemies so high on a toxic brew of raging male hormones that the meemies could barely restrain their hockey libidos long enough take a second breath. It was like playing against the hockey equivalent of a relentless and immoral hard-on. The Strawbs got a pretty good idea what it must be like today to be an unsuspecting teenage boy in a cougar bar.

Things were much different in Strawberryland where the team was so tired by the 2 minute mark that distress signals were being sent out in rudimentary sign language for anyone, anyone, to fire up and deliver the emergency defibrillator conveniently located somewhere in the dark recesses of the Zamboni room. The defibrillator never did arrive yet the Strawberries carried on as best they could under the circumstances.

And why were the Strawbs so shorthanded? Because the Vice and Sir Gawdawful, rather than showing up to the game, decided to venture to Sudbury to attend a Bob Dylan mumblefest. Such is the modern face of loyalty.

Despite the handicap, the Strawbs were able to partially subdue the priapetic beast. Pyjama Man was steady but his stick proved, on numerous occasions, to be six inches short of the goal. Freight Train used his hulking size to diplomatically chop down more than a few Outlaws buzzing about his besieged netminder. Archilles Perron got a shot on net. Dr. Thug, unable to find a young lady to mug, sulked briefly and then exploded in an impressive display of geriatric pique, elbowing his way to the game’s third star. Shiny did his best Zamboni impression, sliding to block a charging Outlaw, only to miss his target and wind up causing a small snow blizzard at the far end of the rink.

The real stars of the game were Jesse The Leak and the irrepressible MagBoy, recently affianced. Facing swarm after swarm of relentless Urban Outlaws, our goalie stood tall, making save after impossible save while carefully reminding his opponents (by less than gently applying the business end of his goalie stick to the seats of their sovereignty) to not take any unnecessary liberties with his august personage. MagBoy was magnificent. He played like a nine-armed octopus: left leg kicking, right leg flying, middle left leg jabbing, left handed arm on his right side flaying, tongue wagging, head nodding, both skatelaces undone, the team’s first star.

At game’s end, an exhausted (and did I mention shorthanded) Killer Strawberries squad congratulated its tormentors and repaired, barely breathing, to their sanctuary to lick their wounds and suffer private heart attacks. Unfortunately, it was not only an evening of torment on the ice. The cruelty of the universe reared its ugly head again in the dressing room.

Ice Marshal Walpole, six times voted “Best Undressed Strawb” by the growing Strawberry fan base, swore that he had shown up to the game wearing a matching pair of Brigadoon argyle socks, knitted especially for him by an adoring fan. While dressing for his late night, post game, tomcattery, he discovered that one of the socks had mysteriously disappeared sometime between game start and game finish. After ascertaining that no one had brought a portable clothes dryer to the game ( a known gateway for escaping socks), he scanned about the room for clues. It did not take him long to apprehend the culprit. As everyone should know by now, Dr. Butcher Brophey (no goals, no assists, 24 minutes in the Sin Bin on the evening) never washes his own equipment: says it gives him an edge…yes, that and a constant fungal infection to his nether regions. Never-washed equipment is an unsupervised,
impulsive, delinquent: a modern day Fagin. It is always on the lookout for recruits. And it is an easy recruiting job because equipment, like cats, hates to be washed. Any chance to find asylum in a friendly bag is irresistible to well cared for (but ultimately ungrateful) equipment. Such was the case here. The Ice Marshal was faced with a dilemma: repatriate the wayward Argyle or grant it the freedom it so evidently desired. The choice was rendered simple when the Ice Marshal realized that an emancipated sock is a happy sock. He quickly tossed the unescaped hosiery mate into Brophey’s travelling cesspool of stinky armour, stating ruefully “Be gone and good riddance, feckless Fruit Of The Loom.”

After scrubbing all body parts and culling their own equipment for suitable ejectees, the Strawbs reconvened at the Terminal Tavren to brainstorm ways to get back at the benedict Arnolds who chose the incomprehensible Dylan over a satisfying hockey beating. The only good idea came from MagBoy who suggested that next game, the absent Sudbury-loving reprobates be bound and tossed into Brophey’s hockey bag so that their filthy disloyalty could be mixed happily with the stench of unwashed anarchy.

4 Stella, 7 Guinness, 5 Blue, 3 pounds of chicken wings, 1 basket of dead potatoes and a sickening side dish of betrayal strained through dirty socks were consumed.

Monday, November 10, 2008

An Historical Night

Killer Strawberries 11 F-Word 1

Game Report

November 6, 2008

Without criminally misexaggerating the quality of last night’s game against a dispirited F-Word squad, it can be safely said that whole affair was a monumental mismatch reminiscent of the day the Vice got married. There were some gems among the dross, however.

The aforementioned Vice scored his first tally in over 2 seasons, a lifter that actuallly made it from the blueline to the back of the net without once touching the intervening ice surface. Jesse The Leak managed to stop half of the shots directed at him, barely missing out on a colossally undeserved shutout. Dr. Thug, scored a beautiful goal to finally put the game out of reach. At the time the score was 10-1 Strawbs with under 45 seconds left on the clock. His Thuggery was so pleased with himself that he collected the puck from the opposition’s net for display on his home hearth. He claimed that it was his 8 millionth goal scored on full-mooned Thursdays in all the Novembers since he started playing organized hockey over 2 centuries ago.

Dr. Butcher Brophey made absolutely no visits to the Sin Bin all evening, not even to chat up the little cutie who was acting as timekeeper. “ I just didn’t feel like my old self” he claimed at a post game news conference, held at Casino Rama where he had gone to ogle Joan Rivers instead of contributing to his team.. “It was like my body was drained of all its testosterone. I hadn’t an ounce of manly fluid left in me after my big week.” Oddly, he refused to elaborate on the alleged “big week”. A big week for him is getting off the couch long enough to refill his pitcher of Scotch and to tell his live-in nanny that her a** is starting to look fat.

The real gem of the evening was not to be found on the ice at all. As everyone knows, Sir Gawdawful Gumby, nee P. Gumbington Pettigrew, has long believed that the modicum of talent he regularly displays on the frozen battlefields of icehockeydom has been the result of his own unwavering commitment to sporting excellence and a diet of controlled, yet tasteful debauchery. He has often bored us all with a recurring lamentation which holds that he has no strong hockey bloodlines coursing through his veins. According to Gumby lore, his mother was a wastrel asked to leave The Mother Of Perpetual Agony Convent at the ripe old age of 12. His father was a moonbeam.

A shocked Gumby shocked the rest of us as the team prepared for its post game journey to the Terminal Tavren. All the good-natured towel snaps to flaccid butts ceased as Gumby revealed for the first time that he had, all these years, been labouring under a dreadful misapprehension. Finally, he could attribute for what passed as his talent to a rich hereditary past.

According to our pumpkin-socked poltroon, his great great uncle, P. Grumblington Pettigrew-Pettigrew, was a star performer in the Stonehenge Intramural Hockey League back in its infancy, at a time when all hockey equipment was still made out of solid rock. Further according to Gumby, he (Gumby) had been searching the tattered archives at his ancestral family home in ButtFace, Alaska and found numerous sporting reports scratched out on rumpled papyrus, gloryfying the tremendous hockey prowess of his hitherto unknown relative. The archives recorded that, after an arranged marriage to his half-sister/aunt twice removed (the randy and mesmerizing P. Hornington Pettigrew), the uncle/half-brother, P. Grumblington, looking to provide properly for his enamoratta, tried out for and was made captain of the ButtFace Bottom Feeders Intramural Hockey Club, a captaincy he kept until his unfortunate death by mob-beating in 1908. The noble ancestor was and always will be the leading scorer of the now defunct Stonehenge League. His career earnings allowed his widowed bride to continue living the high life in Buttface until her untimely death by a short-circuited, coin-operated vibrator in 1912.

“I finally know where I’ve come from and why I am so good at what I do” bragged an obviously giddy Gumby. “Let’s go for a beer!” And for a beer they went.

4 Keiths, 8 Black and Tan, 4 Stella, 2 Blue, 5 Guinness, 4 pounds of chicken wings, 3 platters of low fat fries and some dubious bragging based on a very shallow gene pool were consumed.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Standing Room Only Crowd Treated To Strawberry Delight

Killer Strawberries 4 Free Agents 2

Game Report

October 27, 2008

As bandwagons around the NHL get abandoned with predictable regularity, just the opposite is happening in our own backyard. The Killer Strawberries bandwagon is becoming crowded indeed, in no small part due to its early season success. Last evening you couldn’t even get a ticket to the return matchup between the Strawbs and their newest rivals, the tenacious and free wheeling Free Agents of Kalamazoo, Deep River, Port Au Prince, County Kerry, Ulan Bator and places beyond.

A Standing Room Only throng of 2 jostled about the arena in an attempt to get the best view of their on- ice heroes. Toes were crushed, hangnails splintered and lacy underthings ripped as the crowd prepared for the evening’s rematch. The VIP section was overflowing. Among the guests could be found the recently retired but not-dead-yet Madame LaChaise Lounge who was, just a month ago, self-appointed to the position of Field Marsha at the Compound For Minor Vice, once the almost exclusive domain of the redoubtable Dictator By The Lake, his grey eminence The Vice himself. Joining the Field Marsha was the delightful MagGirl, resplendent in the black and taupe squirrel coat purchased for her at last week’s Value Village Annual Used Fur Sale by her man, the swift skating/not-so-much-thinking MagBoy. It should be pointed out that the coat is a substitute for the engagement ring MagGirl has been expecting for the last 4 years. Better late than never I suppose.

MagGirl’s presence was certainly instrumental in elevating her beau’s on-ice play. Spurred on by her encouraging coos, MagBoy made love to his ego as he scored 2 highlight reel goals when they were needed the most. Apparently, the Vice was not quite so motivated by the presence of his new/old boss/wife/girlfriend/benefactoress. Having hidden himself away on defence for the better part of this season, he appeared befuddled at the centre’s position. His aging body was tone deaf to the urgings of his will as he fumbled about between the blue lines. At game’s end, he was heard complaining that even his wrinkles hurt. Despite his physical woes, he still managed to irk the auras of his opponents through the masterfully surreptitious use of small hooks, little knee applications and the occasional accidental body slam.

It only took four games into the season for Archilles Perron to display the wares what got him to the big team. After caressing a soft saucer-like pass from an alert Freight Train 444, Archilles barelled in on the frightened goaltender, head faked to his right and deposited the biscuit into a yawningly vacated top left corner. He has not scored a prettier goal in his illustrious career. (His other goal, in a peewee scrimmage, was actually quite ugly.)

The only 2 players who proved detrimental to the team were Warrin’ Peace and Sir Gumby. Warrin’ had a good excuse. His wife had told him he couldn’t play: kept leaving dirty dishes and dirtier pictures all over the house. He had been grounded for the first time since his third date with the gorgeous Samara Dessert. Happens to all of us.

Gumby was excuseless. He showed up to the game tired and surly, claiming physical and mental exhaustion. Forgot his helmet and his sense of humour. The replacement helmet found for him must have been too tight because on at least 2 occasions he had to be retrieved from the Free Agents’net, his tawdry garters caught irretrievably in the mesh. Couldn’t extricate himself from his dilemma on the second occurence and didn’t want to. Just sat there like Buddah on a cosmic bender. He was promptly benched, much to his satisfaction.

Post game, the players and its best looking fan assembled for a debriefing at the Terminal Tavren: everyone except for Archilles and for MagPie and his fiancee, both last seen entering the back seat of a pimped up Acura Vigor in the Pete Palangio parking lot, VIP section. Their health was toasted and their vigour admired.

4 Stella, 6 Black and Tan, 8 Keiths, 2 Blue, 1 Bud, 3 pounds of chicken wings and memories of long forgotten post-game trysts were consumed.

Thursday, October 30, 2008


Strawberries 5 Free Agents 3

Game Report

October 27, 2008

As the gentle reader will recall, the previous Strawberries' game against a smooth skating squadron of Ramrods was callously unattended by His Gawdawfulness, Sir Gumby, and by Butcher Brophey, Dr. Thud and Shiny Sean. The Executive was less than pleased. An unpleased Executive is an unhappy Executive.

Fortunately, the Killer Strawberries are superbly managed. Management has acquired over the years a veritable gallimaufry of cruel yet effective carrots and sticks, each of which can be tailored to the problem at hand. After last week’s virulent case of I-Just-Won’t-Show-Up-Tonightis, something had to be done. After careful consideration, the Executive chose to have tongue lashings administered to its latest miscreants. Strawbs respond well to tongue lashings. Always have. Makes em want to smoke afterwards. So successful was the punishment, that, for last night’s dustup, there was perfect attendance.

The laggards were certainly present last night but, unfortunately, less than effective. Seems it is difficult to skate with one’s tail shriveled between one’s legs. The important thing, however, was that they learned their lessons. As for the rest of the team, most rebounded relentlessy and magnificently. Freight Train Laronde, fresh from cracking the upper side of the 255 pound barrier, skated about like a rutting Tasmanian Devil, complete with nostril flaring, hoof pounding and in your face forechecking: any more testosterone and his gonads would have exploded. He may even have scored a goal.

Archilles Perron was his same old self, yet moreso. He glided gracefully up and down the right wing, a veritable Toller Cranston. Unfortunately, his shooting was about as good as the former Canadian champion’s. What Archilles needs is a little more INTENSITY.

Warrin’ Peace, despite the troubles he is having at home as a result of his new no smoking/under-10-beer-a-day-regime, played very well, even with Archilles as one of his wingers.

Pyjama Man was a force to be reckoned with, until the start of the first period, when, apprently, he just gave up. But in his favour, it must be said that his hair remained perfect through the whole match, unsullied by unwelcome sweat. He may also have scored a goal or two.

MagBoy was a perfect clone of his hockey hero, the aforementioned Freight Train. He too raced about aimfully, causing havoc here and mayhem there. Pucks were turned over, errant passes forced and cringing made to happen in the corners. He may also have scored a goal but that, of course, is highly unlikely.

The Ice Marshal played as expected: competently and with elan. Various reports have him scoring the winning goal but, as usual, he was too humble to take the credit.

The Vice continued his stalwart toil on defence, trying so hard at times to make up for a disastrous 2007-08 campaign, that he twice gave himself whiplash as he spun around to hook the speedy opponent who had just undressed him. You have to admire his pluck.

Jesse The Leak, only last month promoted to Jesse The Drip, in honour of his much improved puck-stopping skills (or was it a cruel joke mascarading as a bad pun?), was steady between the pipes. He allowed only one sloppy goal which, according to him and his Mom, was not his fault.

With this come from behind victory, the Strawberries are now 2 and 1 on the season and well positioned to defend the title they won in 2006…or was it 1996? In any event, it doesn’t matter. They are defending something and that is all that matters.

The team assembled for the customary debriefing at the Terminal Tavren. Tales of pseudo-lascivious tongue lashings were exaggerated and enjoyed by all. Previous absences were forgiven and peace reigned among the stars of this inscrutable universe.

10 Guinness, 4 Stella, 1 Bass, 2 Blue, 3 Black and Tan and 1 liter of Tasmanina Tongue Twister were consumed.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Survival Mode

Game Report

Ramrod 6 Strawberries 2

October 23, 2008

A heavily depleted Strawbs squad faced a smooth skating bunch of testosterone-infused Luffwaffe recruits in a game where survival was the goal. Why so depleted? Gawdawful Gumby was in Toronto spreading dog manure on government carpets as an act of revenge aimed at a world which daily conspires to underpay and overdemand of him. The Butcher was attending “A Find The Inner Feminine” hands -on seminar at an exclusive spa in the Caledon Hills, accompanied by a mysterious woman believed to bear a striking resemblance to Miss White Go Go Boots' second cousin. Apparently, the Butcher was successful in finding some Inner Feminine…but we only have his uncorroborated word for that.

Dr. Thug skipped the game to drive to Ottawa to help his son, Richard the First, complete a late Physics assignment, which both of them ended up failing anyway. Shiny Sean was also a no show, having been told by the house mistress that he couldn’t go out to play until all the vaccuming was done at home. As everyone knows, Shiny was once frightened as a child by a door to door Kirby vaccuum salesman who attempted to introduce Shiny to a secondary use of this amazing appliance. Consequently, instead of carrying out the domestic order, he hid in his closet at home until his wife left for work the next day. His status for the next game is unknown.

But back to the game. To those intrepid Strawbs who braved the strafing by the erswhile Luftwaffe, the hockey world salutes you. Yes, you were tired. Yes, you were demoralized and yes, you all finished more weak-kneed that a double-duty hooker at a Shriners’ convention. Yet, you persisted to the bitter end.

After the match, the customary trip was taken to the Terminal Tavren, where knees were rubbed and rubber shrapnel removed from bruised egos. We had survived.

4 Guinness, 2 Stella, 4 Bud Light and a little A535 were consumed.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Strawbs Shine In Pre-Season Action

Game Report

Killer Strawberries 14 F-Word 3

October 16, 2008

Still smarting from last year’s end-of-season brain cramp, this year’s version of the Killer Strawberries came out swinging. Led by a rejuvenated Dr. Thug (rejuvenated in the sense of “no longer pissed before every game”), the squad laid a beating on its feckless foe reminiscent of the second Ali/Frasier slugfest.

It must be admitted that the team iced on Thursday was probably the strongest it has been in a long time. There was no Whoa!horny Richardson to regularly cough up the puck in his own end, Whoa!horny having retired on the advice of his psychotherapist and current wife. There was no Vice, the Vice claiming some woman, not his wife, advised him not to play until at least this week. It is believed to the be first time since his grade 8 graduation that the Dictator By The Lake has taken advice from anyone except one of his other split personalities. There was no Gawdawful Gumby, His Officiousness having decided that he was needed and/or more wanted elsewhere. One of these and/or’s was true. The other was a gross oversestimation of his desirability. Apparently, Sir Gumby will be a farce to be reckoned with this season.

All other Strawberries performed at or above expectation. They played with aplomb, dedication and panache. To further prove their commitment to a team that only has their best interests at heart, the night’s players assembled dutifully at the Terminal Tavren to recount the evening’s heroics, to officially pad their first game statistics and to gleefully cast aspersions upon those less dedicated than they. The Vice came in for some particularly vicious shots, not so much for his whimping out on ice (he “coached” rather than dressed), but moreso for his pusillanimous high-tailing it home immediately following his dubious coaching debut. Expressions like “Scotch swillin’ nambypamby” and “fraidy cat’ were bandied with great gusto and heartily guffawed upon.

At the post game wrapup, Doctor Butcher Brophey gave a stunning lecture entitled “The Trouble With World Financial Markets, The Underlying Causes and Suggested Remedies: An Off-Handed Rumination.” By the time he had finished, the drinking hole was abandoned and the rest of the Strawbs home in bed, dreaming dreams of glory to come.

4 Bud, 6 Kilkenny, 2 Black and Tan, 3 Stella, 4 Guinness, a jug of water, 2 pounds of of wings and some startling macroeconomic claptrap were consumed.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008


Hi Strawbs.

Just got notice this morning that the cost to play this year is $160. Money needs to be paid by the end of the day. Nice surprise!

Please let me know:

If you will be playing this year
Whether you will be coming in to sign up today or whether you want me to sign you up
What your phone number is.

If you want me to sign you up and pay, I’d like you to drop off a cheque to me tonight or tomorrow night, payable to me.

Attached is a Code of Ethics which you are supposed to read and agree to. I’ll sign this on your behalf if you are having me sign you up.

If I haven’t heard from you by 12:30, I’ll sign you up.

Please advise soonest.

Email at


Monday, September 01, 2008

The Butcher Gets His

Butcher Brophey and Miss White Go Go Boots Privately Celebrate The Butcher's 2008 Grand Richard Award

Brobdignagian Butchery Bags Big Booty For Brophey

Strawbs' Second Annual
Golf Tournament Report

August 28, 2008

To say that it has been a banner year for Dr. Butcher Brophey, teacher, humanitarian, boulevardier and hockey surgeon, would be a criminal understatement. In the last 12 months alone, this penalty box aficionado has been awarded a PhD in Hackery from Abattoir Academy of Carvemup, UK, become the first professor in the history to hold a chair in Zamboni Repair and Maintenance anywhere in the world (his doctoral dissertation was entitled “Using Zamboni Technology For Maiming An Opponent And Getting Away With It”), undergoing his first prostate exam and winning the coveted Grand Richard Trophy at the Killer Strawberries’ Second Annual Golf Tournament held at Osprey Links on August 28, 2008.

As usual, the tourney got off to a fantastic start, with lame excuses for non-attendance more numerous than the piles removed from Magboy’s ass in the 2007 off-season. Snowtop O’Farrell was the first to bow out, claiming a damaged ego and lack of balls made it impossible for him to realistically compete for the crown. Doubt was cast upon the second of the two excuses when his main squeeze, Lori Luscious reported to the Executive in a secret post-tournament e-mail that Snowtop had more balls than necessary to complete a round, she having kissed them for good luck only moments before his scheduled tee-off. When Lori Luscious was asked why she didn’t show up to defend her 2007 Grande Richarde trophy, she could only make a murky allusion to a recurring jaw injury which has kept her on her back for most of the year. Get well soon Luscious.

Excuses proffered by other non-attendees were spectacularly unbelievable. Freight Train Laronde claimed his dog ate his nearly completed doctoral dissertation. Dr. Thug said he could not play because he was having trouble completing his son’s first Physics assignment of the year. Whoahorney bold-facedly lied, saying he couldn’t find enough A535 to get him through the front nine. The Executive has since warned this lying liar to quit smoking the stuff.

Things did not pan out any better on the links. Shiny Sean telephoned the course starter minutes to tee-off to inform the Scoring Committee that he had actually played his round on the previous Monday, had shot a blistering 60, thus becoming the leader in the club house before the Vice even had a chance to drain his third Scotch flask of the day. Upon review, it was discovered by the team’s intrepid private detective, One-Eyed Larry The Fog, that Shiny had been at Canada’s Wonderland on the Monday in question and was attempting to pass off his miserable 9 hole mini-putt score as legitimate. Executive justice is expected to be pronounced soon.

The horror show continued from the get-go. Moses McLean, playing gingerly from his wheelchair-golf cart-mobile barcar, scared the bejesus out of his imprsessionable and underage girlfriend, the Siren of Brockville, by having mild cardiac infarctions and bad gas during his warm up swings. Why the Siren was carrying an updated copy of Moses’ will in her golf bag is anybody’s guess.

Warrin’ Peace showed up with his clubs shined, butt shaved and his lips sealed. He was so wound up and nervous that you couldn’t have shoved a needle up his butt with a jackhammer. Jesse The Leak, sporting silk knee high stockings and a brand new set of clubs allegedly received from his invisible girfriend as a birthday gift, displayed holes in his game bigger than the openings he regularly leaves eager opponents during hockey matches. Sir Gumby, as usual, was late, and finally caught up with his foursome by hole 14, four under par, driving both the beer cart and the beer girl simultaneously. He was not sure which score to hand in at tournament’s end.

MagBoy set a course record of his own, finishing his round in under 7 minutes. He mistakenly thought it was a mountain biking competition and was kicked off the property for laying skid marks on 17 of the 18 greens. His future status with the team was unknown at the time this report was filed with headquarters at the Aloha Baby Compound in Oahu. A psychiatric assessment has been ordered. Observers are not optimistic.

Loans Jones and her poor choice of a paramour, the once virile Pyjama Man, a Hugh Hefner protégée, showed up in a golf cart equipped with a large back seat and a gin dispenser. Apparently, golf was the last thing on their minds.

The lead foursome was spectacular, setting team records at will. Over 18 holes, the Vice polished off 2 sixty ounces glasses of Laphroig Scotch without any assistance from his playing mates. It did not affect his game at all, as he managed to break 150with ease. Archilles Perron was brutal. Thank Gawd there were no children present to witness his exhibition of pure ineptitude, bad sportsmanship and salty vocabulary. He could have scored better using a broom and a rotten orange. The Ice Marshal, defending Grand Richard champion of 2007, poet and majority stockholder in Victoria’s Secret Inc., was resplendent in his tartan kilt and matching Jimmy Buffet concert shirt. He played well, but not as well as the eventual winner, the aforementioned graduate of the world renowned Abattoir Academy.

Unfortunately, the tournament had to be suspended, with players still left on the 14th, 15 and 16th holes. A tropical storm unexpectedly descended upon the links. Play had to be stopped because of the torrential downpour, poor visibility conditions and lack of beer cart service. The Executive hastily convened a meeting, pondered the options and decided that, since beer service could not be guaranteed for the remaining holes, a brilliant yet unorthodox method would be used to determine the winners of all tournament awards and trophies: horsesh** luck.

At the Terminal Tavern, site of the closing ceremonies, the Vice ordered pen and paper and a clean hat, wrote the names of all players on slips of #4 Vellum paper (note:his own name appeared twice in the audited scraps) and placed the slips into the hat. Jesse The Leak somehow won both door prizes, courtesy of the excellent lottery ticket drawing powers of the nattering, chattering, recently engaged MagGirl. The prizes: 2 rare bottles of Cow Urine Chardonnay complete with floating marzipan golf balls, prizes surely to be displayed proudly on The Leak’s empty mantle. Madame La Chaise Lounge, who loves Chardonnay and marzipan more than her coddled CrackBerry, traded away her electonic dictator for one of the bottles and free goaltending lessons from the Leak: a lose/lose/lose situation for the hapless goaltender, Madame and the Chardonnay.

She Who Must Be Obeyed, former Miss Universe and the Ice Marshal's first wife, drew for the winner of La Grande Richarde. Miss White Go Go Boots upon learning that it was not she but Loan Jones who was being declared the winner, stomped off in a huff, leaving the team’s most handsome man to scurry after her with the beautiful baby squirrel wrap she left stranded on her bar stool. After smoking a couple of cigarettes and slashing the tires on Loans Jones’ 1959 Chrysler Imperial with the big back seat, Miss White Go Go Boots returned, and, in a gesture of goodwill by the Executive, was asked to select the winner of the 2008 golf tourney. With great aplomb, she pulled Le Grand Richard winner, the excited Butcher Brophey, who, upon the pull, ejaculated ecstatically “I’ve waited so long for this moment. The competition was stiff but I was stiffer. Thank you Gawd. Thank you, Strawbs’Executive. Thank you, Mrs. Sultry, my grade 2 art teacher…blah, blah,blah,blah.” At the time of the festivities break up, the grateful Butcher was still counting his blessings and thanking all the little people who made his victory possible.

17 Kilkenny, 41 apple martinis, 33 Guinness, 11Bud Light, 12 Stella, 23 Shirley Temples, 49 chicken wings (mild and Fat Boy), 4 Caesar salads, 12 baskets of fries and 1 rare bottle of Cow Urine Chardonnay were consumed.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Osprey Links, Hole #11, Strawbs Golf 2008

The Ice Marshall lines up a put, and an eternity later makes his put as the Butcher and Archilles look on.

Strawbs Golf 2008 - Awards

Borrowing a page from the Urban Cowboy's book on phone-photos, Madame La Chaisse Lounge captured the Killer Strawberries' Golf 2008 Award recipients. Jesse the Leak won twice in the 19th Hole Chardonnay event, Loans Jones won the coveted P'tit Richard trophy, and Butcher Brophey is all grins upon hearing he won le Grand Richard - the Big Dick trophy.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Slagfest and Roast tonight!!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Tequila Thrashers March 2008

Here are the Tequila swillers prior to defeating the defending champions, the Killer Strwberries.

Killer Strawberries March 2008

Here are the Strawbs prior to their heart breaking loss to the Tequila Thrashers. Missing from the photo, but not from the game is Warren Peace.

Killerstrawberries in Germany

Attention Germans: Here is the german version of this site.
Die strawbs waren fast un-besiegt (The strawbs were almost un-defeated)

Saturday, March 22, 2008


Tequila Thrashers 3 Strawbs 2

Final Game Report 2008

Last night, a peevish lesser god of sports, a god who probably just scraped his way into the Pantheon, beaned the Strawberries with a knuckleball so vicious, it may take weeks for the team to recover. It was the last game in a double elimination format. In game 1, the Thrashers won 5 to 4 in an overtime shootout. In game 2, the Strawbs replied with a 5-4 victory of their own. All the marbles in the schoolyard were at stake in game 3 and both teams came prepared to cart off the booty.

The betting line in Vegas had the Killer Strawberries favoured by 1.5 goals. To ensure the predicted victory, the Strawbs’ Executive and coaching staff had spent the previous week formulating a winning strategy at the Aloha Baby Compound East in Oahu. Unfortunately, Scotch, late night partying, Cuban cigars and a mind sapping addiction to Dionysian revelry, normally a fine combination if one doesn’t have to get up the next day, proved to be a toxic cocktail in this instance. What looked good on paper didn’t pan out so well on the ice.

The Strawbs struck early. By the 4 minute mark they were leading 2-0. Sadly, MagBoy, poorly versed in the concepts of premature counting of chickens and hubris, made the bald faced assertion that a cakewalk was about to happen. A shocked gasp shook the Strawberries’ bench. If the team’s unified wisdom has one major tenet, it is that cockiness will inevitably get whacked mercilessly with the Sledgehammer of Humiliation, which comes in many disguises. And arrive the Sledgehammer did, in the form of a dancing knuckleball to the squad’s collective skull. The Thrashers clawed their way back into the game, scoring the winning goal with a mere 1 minute and 48 seconds left to run on the clock. After having allowed absolutely no breakaways the whole game, a rare defensive brain fart left a good looking, nattily attired Thrasher of the female persuasion alone with the puck in front of Jesse The Leak, whose performance to that point in the match was deserving of induction into the Canadore Intramural Hockey Hall of Fame. Without hesitation, Tequila Sheila slammed the puck into the yawning mesh, thus emasculating, with one swing of a stick, a whole team of shocked hockey veterans. Despite a furious assault on the opposition’s net during the remaining seconds, The Strawbs could not pierce the Thrasher armour. A malicious god chuckled in glee as the final buzzer sounded. If a middle finger could make a noise, it would have been that noise.

Like the true gentlemen they are, the Killer Strawberries screwed up their internal fortitude, bit their bottom lips, donned the best smiles they could muster and lined up to congratulate the deserving victors.( Sir Gumby hugged the winning goal scorer and managed to get her grandmother's e-mail address.) Slowly, the Strawbs made their way to the dressing room, with each player repeatedly going through Kubler-Ross's 5 stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance swirled about the arena until the Vice put it all into perspective. “Although I too am crestfallen in light of the victory which has eluded us, I am proud of they way everybody played. Warrin’ Peace and Freight Train were selfless in shutting down the Rocket Man who scored 10 of the Thrashers’ 12 goals in this series. The Butcher played like a man half his weight and twice his IQ. Whoa.Horny didn’t drink for 3 whole days before tonight’s tilt. Shiny Sean was a much smaller liability on defence than the Executive predicted. Gumby showed up with his teeth brushed and his hair finely combed, each and every night. Dr. Thug fought his own demons and played like a young 56 year old, despite the fact that he is soon to enter his seventh decade of unchecked debauchery. Archilles played through his mediocrity with the determination of a dog attacking a bone. The Ice Marshall led us to courageous defeat even though his left ankle and right elbow were broken. Pyjama Man fought off the effects of lascivious and relentless pre-game sex to put in a couple of semi-solid shifts. MagBoy embarrassed himself much less than usual and often put his Crackberry away in time to take his turns on the ice. Jesse was so effective in shutting down the Thrashers, maybe we should change his name from Jesse The Leak to Jesse The Drip.” The Vice continued his inane yet enlightened prattling and finally summed the whole affair in the way only he can. “Winning is for losers” he philosophied. That kind of wisdom is priceless.

As this will be the last game report for the year, perhaps forever (given the whispers of forced retirement which have been emanating from the impatient younger players on the team), it would be an egregious oversight not to write a few words about the Strawbs’ loyal following. Thank you Miss White Go Go Boots for inspiring us with your sartorial splendour and the tireless work ethic which caused you to miss the most important game in Strawberries’ history. Thank you Madame LaChaise Lounge for allowing your man to travel freely back and forth between Aloha Baby Compound East and your home at the centre of the Compound For Minor Vice. You might want to install a couple of surveillance cameras to keep you better informed of the “strategy sessions” held during your lengthy absences. Thank you Pandaemonium for skulking out of town in the middle of the night after making us addicted to your less-than-undying support. Thank you MagGirl for cheering us on, despite the burden of the “umarried” label you are forced to carry around. Thank you Loans Jones and the Pyjama Man Spawn (Dora & Flora) for cheering on #74, even if he played like a dying Toller Cranston. Thank Lazily LaMoan for coming out to your first game in 6 years in order to see the Freight Train mow down little girls in the fashion taught to him by Dr. Thug. And a final big Merci to Samara Desert who continues to hope beyond hope that Warrin’ Peace will be elevated to the team Executive, based on his hockey skills alone. For being voted #1 Killer Strawberries Fan for 2008, the team hereby upgrades your moniker to Samara Dessert. You are now fully qualified to launder our equipment and attend, unescorted, all level 2 team functions.

Post-game, the Strawbs continued the grieving at the Terminal Tavren. Backs were slapped in commiseration, tears dried with dirty napkins and egos soothed with copious libation. 7 Guinness, 3 Steamwhistle, 4 largemouth Bass, 22 Stella, 4 Bud Light, 2 girlie drinks which looked suspiciously like sour apple martinis, 2 Blue, 41 Kilkenny, 5 pounds of wings with extra cholesterol, and a pile of Kubler-Ross were consumed.

Friday, March 14, 2008

The Juggernaut Wobbles But Does Not Break

The Leak prepares to face down another breakwaway

Killer Strawberries 5
Tequila Thrashers 4 (SO)

Game Report
March 13, 2008

The Killer Strawberries came perilously close to self-destruction last evening in its playoff tilt against a surprising Thrashers’ squad. By the time game was a minute and 33 seconds old, the Strawbs’ were already down 2-0, thanks to some handsome play by the normally reliable Butcher Brophey. The Butcher had obviously spent himself and his afternoon frolicking in his new “One Guy-Four Chicks” hot tub. He showed up to the arena smelling of bromine, scotch, expensive perfume and burnt latex. He was glassy-eyed, unsteady on his feet and his breath was so bad he was asked to dress in the washroom. He must have lost a little blood as well, as evidenced by the host of festering hickeys which adorned his Adonis-like frame. To say that he came unprepared and remained unprepared would be an understatement. All night long, he skated like he had tied the laces of one hockey boot to another. He looked like Beelzebub shrinking from a pyx every time the puck came within 20 feet of his confused being. Not even the presence of his main squeeze, the incredibly beautiful and talented Miss White Go Go Boots (she was also giving off olfactory hintsof a misspent afternoon) could move him from atrocious to mediocre on the hockey playing scale. The team is hopeful his post game demotion to the Nasty Cupcakes will serve as the wakeup call needed to get him back into fighting form.

By the 10 minute mark, the score had increased to 3-0. The Thrrashers had scored on 2 of its 3 breakaways and potted another on a screen shot. Fortunately, the Strawbs’ remained undaunted, knowing full well they had the manpower and cunning to get back into the game. In one of the best Machiavellian moves of the season, the Strawberries Executive, watching a live game feed to the Aloha Baby Compound in Oahu had the Butcher paged to a pay phone in the lobby of the arena. The Butcher had to take off his skates and walk over to take the call. By the time he returned to the bench, the game was virtually over. With its cancer thus excised, the Killer Strawberries notched up its play. Freight Train 444, using a Dr. Thug-like scream, convinced the zebras that a puck stuck against the opposition’s post had actually crossed the line. Archilles Perron, after repeatedly smashing his head against the back wall to wake himself from his stupour, slipped a beauty into the high left hand corner of the net: score 3-2 Thrashers.

With just 10 minutes to play, the feisty Tequilers took off on another breakaway and beat a disheartened Jesse The Leak with a fancy deke. Thrashers 4, Strawbs 2. A lesser team would have folded at this time. But not the murderous fruit. With Whoahorny going hoarse on the bench screaming obscenity-filled encouragement to his teammates, the Strawbs fought back to 4-3 with just under 5 minutes remaining. Painfully, the clocked ticked down as the Strawberries unsuccessfully swarmed the Thrasher battlements. Then, with a scant 67 seconds left til golf time, Shiny Sean emerged from his coma. Over the opponent’s blueline he swooped. Inside the opponent’s blueline he wheeled. At the top of the circle, he glanced forward and spotted Archilles picking his nose, alone at the side of the Tequila net. He fed the nasally occupied Perron with a pass so lovely it has been sent to the Smithsonian for display alongside George Bush Junior’s sole remaining brain cell. The astonished Archilles made no mistake with the biscuit. With 58.5 seconds showing on the clock, he drove the puck to very back of the net, tying the score 4-4. The fans went wild, with some of them baring many of their intimate body parts, while others were content to make proposals of marriage and no-string-attached romps in the Zamboni Room.

The Butcher, who had just returned to the bench still wondering who had tried to call him on the arena’s only public telephone, pleaded to be allowed to redeem himself on-ice. A swift chorus of “screw you, hot tub head” quickly squelched any hope he may have been harbouring. The team finished out the game and headed to the overtime shootout.

And what a shootout it was. Everyone was in a state of high anticipation as the Ice Marshall doled out the shooting privileges. Whoahorny was to go first on the strength of his well trimmed beard. Shiny Sean would follow, and Pyjama Man would close the deal. Whoahorny shot and missed. Thrasher 1 was stymied by the wily Leak. Next, Shiny Sean cut left, dropped his right shoulder, spun around, stopped to blow his nose and surreptitiously deposited the puck deep into the upper mesh of the net. The Leak slammed closed his five hole and thwarted Thrasher 2. Finally, Pyjama Man, looking a lot like a banshee on speed, screamed in, launched a rocket to the goalie’s shoulder and watched helplessly as the puck careened of the crossbar, then the post, the goalie’s leg, back to the post and out into the stands. Thrasher 3 didn’t stand a chance. The Leak blew himself up to 5 times his size and allowed not a sliver of the space-time continuum to be seen anywhere behind him. STRAWBS WIN! STRAWBS WIN!

The next game promises to a dilly. All fans are requested to attend. History is to be witnessed.

At the post game assembly, Sir Gumby congratulated the squad on its persistence, fortitude, determination and overall good luck. He raised his glass and his 5 iron, exclaiming, “It ain’t golf season yet!”

4 Bass, 5 Stella, 4 half and half, 3 Bud, 3 Bud Light, 7 Guinness, 6 Kilkenny, 4 pounds of chicken wings and some shootout euphoria were consumed.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Juggernaut Jitterbug

Killer Strawberries 13 Blades of Steel 1

Game Report
March 10, 2008

The instructions from the coaching staff and Sir Gumby were simple…”Bury them early”.
And bury them they did. Last night, the Strawbs continued their march to the Cup with a convincing 13 to 1 victory over a disheartened and shell shocked squad of befuddled Blades. It was the team’s concensus that the score would have been a lot closer had the Vice, Archilles and Warrin’ Peace bothered to show up. Fortunately, they had unfinished business elsewhere and their snubs only served to energize the juggernaut.

Except for a small 30 second let up half way through the second period, the team kept up a relentless barrage of offensive hockey not seen since the days of Moses McLean, a once glorious Strawb now gone to seed. For those of you who never had the privilege of witnessing Moses in action (Moses inaction?), suffice it to say that he was probably the most offensive player ever to toil for the Strawbs.

MagBoy, playing on a line with Pyjama Man and the Ice Marshall, was the leading scorer on the evening, potting 4 lovely markers under the adoring watch of his long time girlfriend, the swooning, unmarried, post-nasal dripping MagGirl, the only fan to witness the determined squad in action, despite the litany of health woes which currently ail her. MagBoy’s linemates contributed 5 more goals, some of which will be remembered for years to come because of the grace, beauty and wizardry they embodied. By whom they will be remembered is anybody’s guess.

The second line of Whoahorny, Dr. Thug and Freight Train were but a grain less spectacular than the top line. That they were pumped for the game is undeniable. Dr. Thug had so much adrenaline coursing through his tired veins that he missed scoring into 6 feet of open net. The expletive he screamed as he shot wide is still reverberating through the universe, having caused a significant earthquake on Mars around 10pm last night. You’ve gotta love the enthusiasm.

The D was solid. After having given up 12 breakaways 2 games ago, they were determined to atone. Not once was The Leak left alone to fend for himself. Shiny, Gumby and the Butcher (who continued his uninterrupted 456 consecutive game parade to the penalty box) were so effective, they have been asked to anchor the team next Thursday when the Killer Strawberries play for all the marbles against the surging Thrashers.

Jesse The Leak was a veritable Berlin Wall between the pipes. Not even the breeze off passing Blades could make it past him. He promises to repeat the performance in the finals, a promise he will be called upon to keep.

Post game, Freight Train 444 presented each of Whoahorny and the Ice Marshall with a bottle of birthday Scotch. It took about 14 seconds for the first bottle to disappear and about 24 seconds for the next… a Killer strawberry consumption record! Winning makes you thirsty and winning big makes you ravenous.

After all the dressing room back slapping, burping, towel snapping and toasting, the team made its way to the Terminal Tavren to gloat, prevaricate and scheme. Gumby promised to bring his 5 iron to the rink one more time, a subtle reminder to the squad that it’s either the Cup or golf. Dr Thug promised to scream louder every time he or a teammate scores. Freight Train advised that he would ensure there was more Scotch on Thursday, whatever the cost to his limited household budget. The Butcher promised spleen-on-a-stick for everyone. MagBoy said he would continue his torrid scoring pace. MagGirl promised to recruit at least one more fan for the championship final. Shiny promised to be handsomer and the Ice Marshall more debonnair (as if that were possible). Let the juggernaut roll!

5 Guinness, 2 Bud, 4 Bass, 2 Stella, 1 Kilkenny, 2 girlie drinks, 2 pounds of chicken wings and a gallon of optimism were consumed.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Special Exclusive Report

February 28, 2008

By: David Willms, Special Correspondent to the Daily Delusional
Frog Hollow, Upstairs Bathroom and Bar

I have seen the future of beer league hockey and it is humbly ensconced in the burbs and exotic waterfront abodes of North Bay's hockey elite. Yes sir, the mighty Killer Strawberries juggernaut dispatched the opposition with such swift and cruel precision that the visiting team actually killed and ate their own goalie.... 15 minutes into the second period. The bloodletting continued, unabated, throughout the entire phantasmagorical/brutally honest contest of will and skill.

To be completely fair, said " goalie " was an admitted xenophobe and never really stood a chance of fending off the constant stream of laser guided rubber bombs coming off of what must surely be neutron powered hockey sticks. So complete was the Strawberry drubbing that I wept for the shattered egos and the obviously indigenous paucity of talent these poor mokes dragged through the front door of the Pete Palangio arena.

I can't even pretend to give you a play by play of the brilliant contributions of this most august lineup of ice gods, as I was not paying that much attention, distracted as I was by the thankless task of photographing cloying, inarticulate children of all ages, trying to relive the glory years. What I can offer are some observations, hastily considered, about the few Strawberries that I actually know well enough to be honest with.
In spite of his propensity for painting people in their worst possible light, the Ice Marshal Walpole is a selfless contributor of goodwill and sage guidance to the betterment of team productivity. So much so that I'm sure I saw him on his back, between the pipes of the opposing teams goal, just to make sure the goalie was wearing legal equipment. Such sacrifice.

Gawd Awful Gumby Takes a lot of flack for his alleged lack of passion and skill on ice. What a load of thunderclap....all I saw last Thursday was Mercury on blades...... grinding it out on every shift, causing the other team to lose what little poise it had garnered after potting a few miserable, odious, fey handed one pointers. Little wonder the team called him Gawd...once!!

Vice Ice Marshal Greenfield's performance can be summed up with one word...perfunctory. Such overly ambitious ennui has to be seen to be believed. There is one thing I don't quite understand though...the final score was 14 to 3 for the Strawbs and yet the Vice claimed 16 assists. I guess he must have had a hand in two goals against his own net. Yikes!!!

The rest of the squad, gold platted amulets of taste and decorum that they were, performed just a bit above and beyond their abilities, ensuring a very comfortable afterlife for all concerned.

It should be mentioned that the one penalty on the night was not given to Butcher this a first?

All in all a stellar outing, of which, the Strawberries should be immensely proud. The only black mark on the evening has to be awarded to Mr Fkia for the very funny but politically incorrect Mennonite incest joke that he told apres game. Shame on me....shame on me!

In the above picture Jessie The Leak is showing some team members a piece of gum that somehow got stuck to his jock....ouch!

Monday, March 03, 2008

Frolic With Canines Ends

Killer Strawberries 14 Titans 3
Game Report
February 28, 2008

After having lost an unprecedented 3 games in a row, one of them an important playoff match, the Killer Strawberries finally managed to end its ugly frolic with canines by administering a perfervid paddling to the collective posterior of a perplexed Titan squad.

The astute coaching staff, intent on the future replication of the effort which culminated in last night’s victory, has compiled a list of potential reasons for the Strawbs’ just-in-time return to hockey excellence. The reasons are in no particular order, since disorderliness seems to be the one common factor which characterizes every Strawberry’s normal on-ice performance.

Last night marked the first time all season that the lowly papparazzi, which, in the past, had mercilessly plagued this team of too handsome specimens, was allowed to penetrate the squad’s pre-game inner sanctum. Fresh from pestering the horde of pantyless poseurs parading about Hollywood, Mister Davidson FKIA the Third, heir to the throne of Frog Hollow, weaved his voyeuristic magic in the dressing room, capturing the photographic essence of more than one startled Strawberry. He continued his superb work from various vantage points around the rink, with his best action shots coming from his unlikely perch high in the arena bar. The Killer Strawberries seemed to flourish under the attention lavished upon them by the talented Davidson, so much so that, at times, the referees had to stop the game so that some of the more vain could comb their hair and straighten their stockings before being photographed. Due to the tremendous success of his efforts, Mister FKIA has been appointed Official Team Photographer To The Killer Strawberries, a position which ensures he will be invited to all team and executive functions, including the Annual Mazzola Appreciation Day held each August 30th at the Aloha Baby Compound in Oahu, Hawaii. (Provided of course he passes the requisite physical).

He has been absent for most of the season, what with his terrible struggles with nicotine, cheap Scotch, cheaper wine, a mysterious lung fungus, an unhealthy devotion to the Toronto Maple Leafs and his inane propensity for slamming his skull into objects harder than Krytonite. Dr. Thug finally emerged from his stupor to contribute meaningfully to the victory. He amassed an all-time team record 6 assists and possibly a goal or two. Because there was no league-sanctioned paper trail for the match, the team had to rely on his unquestionable integrity and extremely poor memory in order to confirm his remarkable performance. Just to be safe, the squad’s official statiscian rounded down Dr. Thug’s assist claim from 14 to 6 but did not tamper with his self-reported 2 goal tally. “I really did get 14 assists” he peevishly declared. “I assisted twice on each of my own goals alone.” Apparently, he is using the New Math to stroke his own ego.

Bonehead Butcher Brophey also emerged as a force to be reckoned with. Tired of lollygagging at home alone in his new Four Chicks-One Guy hot tub, allegedly in an effort to speed the healing to a shoulder he claims to have separated in 18 places, the team’s surgeon played like a pony snorting his first scent barnyard pheremone. His pugnacious play was greatly welcomed, as he continued to slash, hack, chop, carve and mutilate his way further into the Canadore Intramural Hockey League record books. It his hoped we have not seen the last of his awe inspiring outings.

The rest of the scoring was evenly spread out. Somebody got one and so did another few somebodies. It was unimously agreed that the most beautiful goal of the evening was notched by the Ice Marshall who had landed at Jack Garland Airport in North Bay only an hour before game time. Unshowered, unshaven and unmodest, IMW was whisked to the arena in a private limo driven by Miss White Go Go Boots herself who is seeking to supplement her unreported income with legitimate revenue. After paying her in both modes, IMW quickly dressed and was ready to go by the second shift. On this second shift, he skulked about the opposition’s blue line until he was spotted by the eagle-eyed Shiny. Shiny laid out a beautiful stretch pass which caught IMW in full stride, 3 metres behind the closest defender. Made stupid with an unwelcome surge of testosterone, epinephrine and seritonin, IMW did his best “deer on slippery ice” imitation, tripped over the blue line and careened, full speed ahead, into the oppostion’s goal, sending the net and a frightened goaltender through the back of the boards and into the parking lot. Because he had presciently lodged the puck into the small opening between his skate blade and his hockey boot only a moment before crossing the goal line, the goal was allowed to stand. Unfortunately, Mister Davidson FKIA the Third did not get any photos of the goal. He claimed later that he had run out of digital film for his digital camera. What a liar!

Post-game, the team, minus Whoahorny, Archilles and Jesse The Leak, each of whom were told earlier by their wives/girlfriends to be home right after the match, re-assembled at the Terminal Tavren to celebrate the occasion. Dr. Thug’s record was toasted, Samara Desert complimented on her new front teeth, and Mister FKIA’s camera stolen. A good time was had by all.

5 Stella, 4 Kilkenny, 4 Bud Light, 2 nice Bass, 4 pounds of chicken wings, 17 Guinness and 1 Guinness Book of Strawberry Records were consumed.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008


Game Report
February 25, 2008

Thrashers 5 Killer Strawberries 4 OT/SO

With the Ice Marshall still out of the lineup and without the services of a discombobulated Gumby and a malingering Butcher Brophey, the Strawbs managed to extend its losing streak to an embarassing all-time high of 3 games. What is unfortunate about the streak extension is the fact that it comes as a playoff loss. To win the coveted Intramural Hockey Crown, the Strawberries will have to win all its remaining games. This is something it can do, provided a little effort is put forward by certain underperforming parties who shall remain nameless (unless, of course, there is another defeat before the end of the season, in which case the slammin’ will be happenin’).

First, let’s deal with the absences. As noted in the previous game report, the Ice Marshall has been in Stockholm. Currently, he finds himself at the tail end of this Swedish trip on which he picked up another humanitarian award. On this game day, he was suffering a much deserved post award hangover. When reached by phone after the match at his hotel on the Hoodaloodagoodastrasse, he was quoted as saying “I’m surprised and disappointed this time. I think I leave the team in good hands and still they mess up. I’ll be cutting my trip short to get this Titanic off the iceberg. Crap…my head hurts. Kate and Ashley, can we get an earlier flight.”

As for Gumby’s absence, there really was no excuse. Apparently he had cut his fingertip on a can of smoked oysters while ice fishing in the nude with the cheerleading squad from Mamma Poon’s School For Misguided Misfits and, consequently, lost a lot of blood; 3 or 4 drops according to some shady but reliable eyewitnesses. Luckily, the Bandaid took and he will, according to his publicist, be gracing the team with his august presence at the next hockey encounter. Even flimsier was the reason proferred by the Butcher to explain his no-show. “My new hot tub was coming in. Miss White Go Go Boots was coming over to help me test it out. You understand, I hope.” No, the team does not understand and steadfastly refuses to understand your self-centeredness. Show up to the next game, you post-pubescent, angst-ridden, testosterone besotted slacker!

Now to the game itself. What a mess. While it is true that the Killer Strawberries peppered the Thrashers goaler with more than 50 shots which it converted to 4 anemic goals, it was the defence who contributed above and beyond to the thrashing. After an opposing team manages to score on an early breakaway, the other team usually adjusts so that such an occurrence does not happen again. Not so with the Strawbs’ defence. As blithely as a crack addict contemplating the beauty of his own genius, the Strawberry defenders refused to change their wayward approach. Time after time, the defencemen, led by a mentally derailed Freight Train, pinched in from the blueline to chase loose pucks behind the opposition’s net. The defencemen were not content to do this crazy, out-of-position digging alone. Like bladder-challenged high school girls at a sock hop skitting off to the bathroom in pairs, the Strawberry defenders made frequent in-tandem forays into territory, far from the spots they should have been in. The culprits, which included The Vice, who should have known better, Shiny Sean Brightly, who should have known better, Whoahorny, who should have known better, and the aforementioned Freight Train, allowed an unprecedented 12 breakaways resulting in 4 goals. One would have guessed that by, say, breakaway #7, a light would have come on. Apparently, there was a power outage in certain helmets.

In their defence, the offence played well, but were plagued with shotus weakus and a very hot goalie. The tottering Dr. Thug, MagBoy, Pyjama Man and Archilles Perron managed to pierce the Thrasher’s armour in a valiant yet insufficient effort. Of the plus 50 shots on net, Archilles had 32 of them, as he was set up repeatedly by the out of position Freight Train Laronde. One hopes Archilles' conversion rate climbs out of the abyss in which it currently languishes. Is everything okay at home, Monsieur Archilles?

To round out the performance appraisal of the forwards, it should be mentioned that Warrin Peace’s contribution was just north of mediocre. He skated like he was carrying Plutonium in a lead valise. He performed thus, even though he was being cheered on by the team’s #1 fan, the bodacious Samara Desert, who showed up to the game in her best squirrel skin jacket, a jacket which Warrin’ made for her in remembrance of their first sock hop together at Wiki High in 1999.

One truly strong point in an otherwise dismal match was the play of the Strawbs' hapless goaltender, Jesse The Leak. He stopped 8 of 12 breakaways and 2 of 3 shootout attempts. “ Man, I sure felt alone out there tonight” he understated. “Was this some kinda test or something? I can’t wait for the Ice Marshall to come back to instill a little discipline, a lot of discipline really. I always knew he was the glue that kept us going.”

After the game, most Strawbs slithered to the Terminal Tavren, their tails firmly ensconced between their legs. While a lot of lamenting accompanied the first round, by round 10, optimism creeped through the door and insinuated itself into all psyches present. Future victories were toasted and the team rededicated itself to winning the Crown which hangs so tantalizingly before its eager grasp.

16 Guinness, 41 Stella, 3 Kilkenny, 2 pounds of chicken wings (seasoned) and some dreams of future glory were consumed.

Blades Slice Strawberries

Game Report

February 14, 2008

Blades of Steel 5 Strawbs 2

It should have been a joyous farewell gift for devoted fans Madame LaChaise Lounge and Pamdaemonium. Neither Madame nor her sister, the world’s greatest ditherer, will be attending another game this year. Each has her own selfish reasons. Madame LaChaise will be pursuing self-fulfillment on a beach in Costa Rica as she studies the use of indigenous fruits in local cocktails. Pamdaemonium will continue changing her mind in a climate more suited to her langourous lifetstyle. The team will miss their enthusiasm and cleavage.

Unfortunately, the Strawbs failed to deliver the goods and lost to an outmanned, outskated but not outscored squad of desperate Blades, keen on proving that youth can outperform age and treachery if it really sets its heart upon victory. One possible reason for the loss could have been the absence of leadership and other je ne sais quoi normally provided by the Ice Marshall who was in Stockholm (until February 26) to receive yet another award for his ceaseless contributions to world peace and harmony. “I am disappointed but not surprised” stated the team’s spiritual leader upon learning of the defeat. “These guys can be like a bunch of unsupervised teenagers with a blowup doll. Without proper guidance, they think they know what to do but usually end up screwing themselves instead.”

The loss leaves the Strawberries entering the playoffs on a rare 2 game losing streak. One can only hope that a better effort is made to ensure a second consecutive Intramural Hockey Crown. Sadly, this will will have to accomplished without the support of 2 of its top 3 fans.

After the game, the Strawbs reassembled at the Terminal Tavren to give Pam and Madame a proper send off. At least in this regard, the team was successful. Speeches were given, hugs exchanged, best wishes uttered and much alcohol poured down greedy gullets. Good luck ladies. We will miss you sorely.

73 Stella and an industrial size bottle of Tums were consumed.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Wilted and Betrayed

Game Report
February 11, 2008

Thrashers 6 Strawbs 2

It was barely 3 minutes to game time as Sir Gumby, The Leak, the Ice Marshall, Shiny Sean and Warrin’ Peace sat peacefully in Dressing Room #10, hoping than no other Strawbs would show up to the game, thus allowing the squad to forfeit with dignity.

Alas, luck was running the other way. MagBoy, soon followed by Pyjama Man, came sauntering through the door, unfortunately giving the Strawberries enough manpower to have but one spare on the bench. Faced with this dearth of players, the team still pressed on as best it could against fourteen determined Thrashers, aged 19 or less. Youth won out on this evening, kicking Age’s butt with its ice skate versions of Doc Martins and Jimmy Chus.

After the final whistle, the bedraggled Strawbs’ squad hit the showers without a word being spoken. All present knew they had just witnessed a case of grand betrayal. If Sir Gumby with his temporarily shattered ego, The Leak with his failing eyesight, the Ice Marshall with his double pneumonia, Shiny Sean with his recent sleep deprivation, Warrin’ Peace with his bad haircut, MagBoy with his gingivitis and uncontrolled flatulence and Pyjama Man with his excessive sperm back up could make it through minus 40 degree weather to carry the Killer Strawberries' banner, the rest of the team could at least have sent regrets.

Nothing was consumed, as the wilting process was utterly complete by the end of the game.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Mount Olympus Sends a Messenger

Game Report

February 7, 2008

Killer Strawberries 9 Titans 6

Just prior to last night’s match against the Titans, Sir Gawdawful Gumby, recently knighted in a secret ceremony at the Aloha Baby Compound West, held a press conference in the lobby of the beautiful Pete Palangio Arenas, home to the Killer Strawberries and other lesser juggernauts. While the presser was at times long, rambling and seasoned with more than a dash of false humility (not unlike the self-appointed subject of the press conference), its purpose was never in doubt. Sir Gumby made it clear to the gathered throng that, while he was flattered to have been elevated to the ranks of hockey nobility, it was certainly not his intention to sit on his laurels or hardys. To the amazement of all within earshot, he proclaimed that “henceforth, I wish only to be known as Gawd.” “Please just capitalize the G,” he conceded. “I think some people might find full capitals a tad pretentious. That is most assuredly not what I’m all about”. As he left a rather odiferous trail of what he is all about to linger in the air of the lobby, Gawd, using a slight wave of his hand to part the throng, made his way to the team’s dressing room to take his place on the small throne he had earlier erected in his own honour. From the heights of his newfound Olympus, he held forth on what he considered to be the most egregious of the Strawbs’ weaknesses. Because no one was listening anyway, there is no record, oral or otherwise, of the profundities which emanated from Gawd's Stool of Hubris.

Despite the 3 ring circus in which they found themselves performing, The Killer Strawberries played an excellent game, once their fickle goaltender decided for whom he was going to play that evening. Unbeknownst to management, The Leak took it upon himself to promise another team he would play for them at the same time in another venue in order to allow one his friends to tend goal for the Strawbs against the Titans. The only problem with his hare-brained scheme was that his friend had been, earlier in the week, suspended from another league for verbally abusing a zebra. Oddly enough, the besmirched zebra in question was about to referee the Strawbs-Titans game. As the Leak’s replacement placed his first foot upon the ice surface, he was accosted by the aggrieved party and summarily told to leave. Fortunately, the embarassed Leak was still in the arena and, faster than a Vice’s slapshot, got dressed for the game. By the time he made it to his crease, the Strawberries were down 2-0, no thanks to some shoddy goaltending by MagBoy. From then on, the momentum shifted and the squad kept it date with destiny, outscoring the Titans by a score of 9 to 6.

The Strawberries won the match without the services of Butcher Brophey, Dr. Thug, Whoa.Horny and Shiny Sean Brightly. Apparently, the Butcher has had a separated shoulder for the last 7 months and did not realize it until he had to open up his wallet recently to pay for some post game beer, always a painful exercise for him. Dr. Thug continues to nurse the concussion he suffered when he ran into the immovable object we call Freight Train. Whoa.Horny, now on sabbatical from his last sabbatical, was studying Peyote Poppers in some Arizona desert and Shiny Sean had no real excuse beyond a limp claim that he is still hurting mentally and psychically from the playoff loss suffered by the Packers earlier in January.

It should be noted here that Archilles Perron, 30 pounds lighter than he was at the start of the season, continued his torrid scoring streak, adding 4 more goals to his illustrious hockey resume. The Kate Olsen Binge & Vomit Diet seems to be working and has been recommended to some of the other Strawberries who are, ill-advisedly, patterning their physiques on that of Jabba The Hut.

As a result of his impressive showing, Archilles was spared the acid tongue of Gawd after the game. Without so much as a glance into his own mirror, Sir Gawd found time to lambaste anyone who would listen to his tirades. The Vice’s shot was too limp, Freight Train was derailing too often from the tracks of his inattention, Pyjama Man played like he didn’t care if Up were Down or vice versa, MagBoy was too coy with the puck, The Leak didn’t know how to handle rebounds and the Ice Marshall’s hair gel was too stiff. It was almost a certainty that he would have continued in this vein had not the messenger Nemesis arrived unexpectedly from Mount Olympus to stanch the vitriol and open a small can of WhoopAss . Without warning, Sir Gawd found himself sprawled on the floor, wallowing in the remains of his tattered Stool, the capital G of his new self-prescribed moniker firmly ensconced in his nether regions. As he pulled himself from the floor, he did manage enough dignity to say:” Just call me Sir from now on.”

After the game, the team reconvened at the Terminal Tavren to discuss the righteousness of Olympians and the sorry state of its fan base. The Strawberries, save for one humbled Sir, rarely if ever complain about anything. But it must be noted that more than a modicum of disappointment was expressed about the recent lack of fan support. Has anyone seen Miss White Go Go Boots or MagGirl or She Who Must be Obeyed, or Glasgow Glamour or Madame la Chaise Lounge or Pamdaemonium or The Evil Spawn or even the most constant of our hangers-on, the beguiling Samara Desert? Please come back. We miss the adoration.

4 Guinness, 5 Stella, 2 Blue Light, 1 Kilkenny, 3 Black and Tan, 1 God-sized goblet of Ambrosia, and a discarded capital G were consumed.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Marinating In The Afterglow

Game Report

February 4, 2008

Strawberries 7 Blades of Steel 2

Sometimes, great performances proceed from unexpected quarters. Sometimes those quarters have been around for so long, they get taken for granted, buffed by familiarity to a soft hue of comfortable beige... Such a “sometimes” manifested itself in last night’s game against a determined but ultimately outgunned Blades of Steel squad.

After finally succeeding in escaping the claws of his inner tortoise, “sometimes” landed with a bang for the team’s spiritual leader in minor vice, the sybaritic Rob The Torch, also know as The Vice Marshall, Red Greenfield, Greenie and The Dictator By The Lake. For the second time in 3 games, The Vice potted a magnificent hat trick…6 goals in total, each entering the opponents’ net at speeds almost exceeding 5 miles per hour. He scored on a backhand low, a backhand high, a forehand low, a forehand high; on a deke with a flourish and through a scramble in a skirmish. It was a veritable smorgasbord of scoring techniques which he has been honing since rock first turned to dirt. As the little Red Hen used to say in his favourite piece of English literature “Hard work pays off”.

As the Strawbs marinated in the afterglow of the Vice’s unexpected yet highly welcomed performance, another “sometimes” almost came to fruition before crash landing on the unfortunate rocks of reality. Fresh from an invigorating week-long retox session somewhere in coastal Mexico, Magboy spent most of the game wreaking havoc on the Blades. He skated like a flatulent wind on speed, causing turnovers, scoring opportunities and the ejaculation of vituperative epithets from the mouths of his dazzled opponents. He notched 2 goals on the evening, each of which could have gone head to head in a beauty contest with any of those perpetrated by The Torch. When asked at game’s end to what he attributed his flashes of hockey brilliance, he was quick to point out the salutory effects of drinking Tequila out the dancing shoes of the senoritas he routinely encountered on his post sundown Tom Cat prowls.

Now an alert reader will have noticed that the “crash landing” portion of the description above has yet to be accounted for. That is the way it will stay. Suffice it to say that, when one is bragging about one’s prowess, it is best to do so outside the earshot of anyone waiting impatiently for a proposal in marriage.

There are only 2 more notes to make on the evening. This writer would like to confirm that Dr. Butcher Brophey did indeed receive a post-game phone call from the team’s Executive headquartered in Oahu. He was told that he is being considered for team tenure, mostly as a result of the sandpaper he added to his game against the Blades. For a match where contact is supposed to result in a penalty, this one was an anomaly. The Butcher battered the Blades at will with nary a humiliating visit to the sin bin to show for his actions. He played like the Butcher we know and love, and he should be congratulated for the covertness of his dastardly deeds.

And finally, just to prove there was a full moon last night, it must be reported that there was more than one board side sighting of She Who Must Be Obeyed (SWMBO) during the tussle between the Strawbs and their arch rivals. This is but the second time in 15 years that SWMBO has been seen in attendance at any her husband’s games. Normally, she spends quiet evenings at home, in her pink puffy slippers and matching Chenille nightgown, sucking on bonbons while reading Anna Karenina, Madame Bovary or other such sentimental tripe. It all seemed a mystery until it was pointed to her current husband, the handsome self-effacing Ice Marshall, that their son, Buzz Charm, was playing at the same time on the ice surface opposite and that SWMBO was simply trying to get the Ice Marshall to provide her with the $45 needed to get Buzz an after game snack worthy of his tastes, inclinations and desires.

Except for the wasted $45, it was a superb outing. The team’s hardiest revelers gathered later at a local imbibery to publicly acknowledge the Vice’s breaking out of his 51 year old hockey slump and to continue its glorious marination in all things hockey related.

1 Blue, 1 Keiths, 1 Canadian, 1 pale liquid resembling beer, 1 Coors Light, 1 banana daiquiri and 6 Patron Tequilas quaffed from a discarded red stiletto pump were consumed.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Canadian Idyll

Game Report

Strawberries 6 Thrashers 5

January 31, 2008

Serendipity is full of fine surprises. The world could use a lot more of it; that and single malt Scotch...neat… in a crystal tumbler...with your favourite girl at your side running her fingers through your hair while she ignores all of your faults and lauds you cooingly for that one redeeming thing you take home to her after every game: your stinking, testosterone soaked equipment.

Well, ideal worlds are a lot like the impossible fantasy above. After all, that’s part of what makes them ideal. But sometimes, nature, in its inscrutable wisdom, grants to us mere mortals those evanescent glimpses of perfection which make life worthwhile. Now, dear reader, you may be wondering just how much single malt is fuelling this ramble. The answer is: none. This ramble is entirely fuelled by the idyllic memories of last night’s game.

In all previous encounters, the Strawbs had dominated the Thrashers. Despite their tenacity, they could not slow the red-socked Strawb juggernaut facing them. But this encounter was different. The Thrashers were a born-again team: lively, creative, feisty and fast. Every time the Strawbs would take the lead, they refused to fold, repeatedly clawing their way back into the game. No lead was safe until, at the 20 minute of the last period, the buzzer declared the Strawbs winners by a micron.

Ask any aficionado of the game what makes for memorable hockey. Invariably she will tell you it involves a tight-knit match seasoned with artistry from unexpected quarters and with more than just a little grit in the Vaseline. The Vice Marshall, with a move he hasn’t used since hid dad used to tie his skates, grabbed the puck in his own zone, dusted off a pesky Thrasher with his bad arm and launched a glorious stretch pass to a streaking Ice Marshall who had been hiding under the opponents’ blue line, waiting for just such a pass. The team’s Spiritual Leader and Shining Example of Misspent Youth caressed the offering with his stiff shafted Koho, spun around twice to indicate his approval, rocketed into the opponents’ zone and dipsydoodled a delicious Dopplerdogger into the microscopic opening between the left post and the Leviathan who guarded it. Tears flowed from all fans present as cries of “Pump Up The Jam, Strawberries” rang from the rafters.

Once all the discarded lingerie was lifted from the littered surface, the game resumed with both sides exhibiting the kind of play they remember in Montreal when the forum eclipsed the Vatican in importance and revenues. Sir Gawdawful Grumpy continually outmaneuvered his determined attackers with guile and legerdepied ( the foot equivalent of the legerdemain). Shiny Sean was magnificent as he jumped into the play on several occasions to create and finish off glorious scoring chances. Dr. Boneheaded Butcher Brophey briefly released himself from the debilitating memories of domestic woes which plague his very essence to play a game characterized by nasty compassion and applied cunning.

Archilles Perron continued his torrid scoring pace which he attributes to Feng Shui, his diet of Brussels Sprout Smoothies and to the notes his inamorata, the beautiful Glasglow Glamour, packs into his athletic protector before each game. Freight Train Laronde, fresh from adding 2 new lines to his PhD thesis earlier in the day, legally or illegally toppled at least one unsuspecting Thrasher at every face off, using the only hockey stick in the league measuring over 8 feet in length. Warrin’ Peace, spurred on by the 3 fans he imported from the Island just for the occasion (including the constant Samara Desert), did not disappoint his adoring throng. He dashed, feinted, spun and twisted just like he did when he was first spotted by the Executive dancing the Fandango on a moonlit beach in Oahu, in perfect time to the waves lapping the shore at his feet.

All of which brings us to Jesse The Leak, whom many had predicted would end up unceremoniously tossed onto the dust heap of hockey history once he began to study under the aforementioned Dr. Butcher Brophey. Fortunately for the Strawbs, The Leak has not heard or heeded a word of what passes for wisdom in the Butcher’s classes. Instead, he has focused on what truly counts in this unpredictable universe: stopping the puck so that his team mates can brag about their on ice victories and get fingers run through their hair practically at will.

The last word must be left for our opponents on the evening who made the game the pleasure it was. They played like gentleman and gentleladies, showed class and tenacity and virtuosity but more important than any of that, contributed meaningfully to the creation on an on ice joie de hockey which is rarely paralleled in any universe.

After the match, the team reassembled at the terminal Tavren where the beer was cold, the wings were hot, faults ignored and hair was mussed.

4 Stella, 5 Guinness, 3 Blue Light, 2 Keiths, 2 Kilkenny, 1 Shirley Temple smelling suspiciously like Aqua Velva, 2 lbs of chicken wings and the visions of future on ice idylls were consumed.