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Friday, May 17, 2019

A Killer Strawberries Ditty

10 to 15 years ago, the Killer Strawberries had a good run and were almost undefeated. They played for the league championship 4 or 5 years in a row, winning twice. The following is a conglomerate mishmash of that time, which could ring true for any of the games played during that time.

Here’s a small tale of a Strawb’s game of shame
Which sums up the way they played every game
From battles of glory to being robbed as well
There’s no shortage of stories and lies to tell

Butcher Brophey brought a tear to my eye
As he speared his way to an early goodbye
Gawdawful Gumby kept singing the blues
Because, of course, Devono hadn’t a clue
Pajama Man went home to bed
He was tired of hooking, or so he said
The Vice, as it turns out, wasn’t in on the con
And before you knew it he was gone Dad gone
The Marquis de Save couldn’t save the game
It was too far gone, ain’t it a shame
Warren Peace showed up late
Gave it his all, till he got the gate
Mayor Maynot couldn’t decide
Go forward or back or keep shooting wide
Shiny Sean Brightly was all lit up
Incensed at the cross check from one young pup
Freight Train Laronde stayed right on track
Even and cool as was his knack
Slickery hickory-dickoried the ice
Felling everyone he thought didn’t act nice
Dr. Thug hooked, clutched and grabbed
Mauling the enemy till he too was nabbed
Mag Boy raced and foamed like a shook up can
He’s come a long way since Magnesium Man
The Ice Marshall’s wig was on straight and tight
Cautioning the transgressors as was his right

Now as some of the Strawbs have gone to seed
There’s a new batch causing their foes to bleed
Ripping through games like a team on a mission
They’re carrying on the Strawb’s fine tradition

Names of some other Killer Strawberries who have “gone to seed”

Harry Burton, Brian Anderson, Derek Viking Ericson, Amanda Bradford, Lori Springall, Karen, Lise Paxton, Serene Dean, Moses McLean, Snowtop O’Farrell, Devon Dirvish, Bing Crossbar, Tom Wagner, Dash Headlong, Fis-sure Man, Johnny -2-Good, Philly Cheesekates, Fis-T, Sarge, Archilies Perron, Jesse the Leak, Roy Cox, Smokey, John John John, Warney Richardson

Thursday, March 14, 2019

NinnyHammer Hockey

Still undefeated in regulation
(Record 11-0-1-1)

The Strawbs last 2 regular season outings were rough and tough clinchers.
Itis man's hockey out there, but it will be noted and further dwelled upon that the last two wins were delivered by a net minder self identified as a 5ft 1/2" tall cisgen female to be specific. First she played Double Trouble and handed them a loss. And the Cat came back for our pre playoff finale vs the Cry'n Hawaiians. The display of competitive rivalry between these two titans did not disappoint the onlookers and small gaggle of comfy designer pant wearing Strawbetts.  It was rough, sometimes dirty and most of the time verbally brutally.  Halfway through the first period the refs inserted ear plugs and insisted that small children be seated inside. In between plays, Turn-Around-Turner was seen jotting down some of the verbally smutty material on his mini 2x3 note pad.

None of that matters now that the Strawbs have finished in first place.  Katniss was in goal snagging sneaky snipes out of the air before they became bar down beauties. While the net was easy to defend she could not defend our rate of infractions and advised against anymore penalties.  With the net secured, the Strawbs could focus on the task at hand and break the curse of Lenny.  And with that the Sny'N Polynesians were defeated 6-4. Some would say 7-4, but the zebra's discounted an open net buzzer beater.

Neil Ha-trick Harris owned the crease netting at least 1 and maybe more. His Hat-trick could have been possible if not for the vision impairment caused by several layers of duct tape securing his helmet to his body in an attempt to prevent his bucket from being dislodged and thrown at Mag-boys kids again.
Slickery sniped one as well but then received a nasty gram cross check to the head followed later by slashing, body checks, deep lacerations to the hockey socks and plenty of lip action. With all the abuse, Slickery resided to passing and staying out of the mess or else completely go Champ on the Hawaiians. 
With his new mindset, he quickly became the play-maker feeding the puck to the team points leader and on-ice personal and financial help counselor, Turn-Around-Turner who topped the radar at 60km/h to score a tap in when 55km/h would have been sufficient.   Magboy was turning out smashes and hits faster than the Back Street Boys with the exception of their Christmas album.  Lanzy and Deeking Derek hammered the zone with speed and pressure often wearing out the Hawaiian's defense to the point where they crawled to their bench.

Dr. Thug owned the neutral zone.  In fact he recently closed on the sale of all land between the blue lines in all North Bay arenas, a purchase that required him to sell his estate with the exception of his wife and hockey equipment. According to the municipality, since he owns the land, he must provide his own Zamboni services for those portions of ice.  As a bonus, however, he can now legally thug anyone trespassing on his Iceland.  There is rumor that while inhabiting Iceland he may never be coming to the bench again... ever.

Our defensive goons received their fair share of penalties while holding the garrison around the blue paint. Defensive team goon Mayor Maynot, and the nicest referee you will ever meet, added to his impressive 22 penalty minutes on the season.  Shinny, desperate to keep the pineapples away, was seen delivering Costco size can openers so big that Butcher Brophey would think it was excessive. 
Ex-dough boy Foisy raised his voice so high that Elexa enabled devices picked up his voice commands. He too was sent to the box for engaging in rough play and verbal dysentery.  Shortly thereafter, Amazon delivered tiaras and feminine products to the Hawaiian's bench. The packages were quickly signed for. 

Not all Strawbs could make the triumphant trek to the Terminal Tavern, but of the nobel that did, 4 Buds, 2 Northern Superior, 1 Shock top, 3 water, 1 french fry, 5lbs of wings, 14 carrot sticks, 2 ranch dressings,  and a lot of smack talk were consumed.

(Minus any bread or gluten rich products)