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Monday, November 05, 2018

The Landzy Land

(Record 1-0-1)

The Riley/Landzy trade is topping the news feeds. The Strawbs acquired a first round pick and signed Landzy to a $50, 4 year contract with the Killer Strawberries. He has 4 years to give the executive 50 bucks.  In the same trade the Strawbs sent burned out has-been rookie past-sensation, Riley Redfur, to the Nasty Cupcakes Sudbury's farm team where his duties include jockstrap repairing and mouth guard cleaning.  The quality of hockey is so poor with the Sudbury farm team that Redfur has been driving back to North Bay on Sundays just for the privilege to play shiny with a few Strawbs.  He is in awe of their caliber of hockey even when they've taken 90% off their game and play one handed.

The Strawbs have played 2 match-ups so far in the 2018-19 season.
First the Flying Hawaiians were taken down in a 4-3 final ending in a shootout.
There were only 7 battle ready skaters able to make the match.  By the second period there were only 6 left for which to scrap with the pineapple huggers. Magboy, covering for the several missing defense,  incurred 3 game infractions to earn him a seat in the stands. It is no surprise that fake referees targeted Mags, especially one particularly short zebra.  From Magboy's new vantage point, the stands, he could observe and evaluate the old and new talent's abilities to handle the current situation of trailing by 2 goals, contending with a short bench and missing their best player.  

In typical Strawbs fashion, we gave up the lead early.  It usually takes until the second period for the glucosamine pills to fully absorb and then the offense kicks in.  Of notable mention was the play making of our top offensive defense-man Wendel who wired a wicked wild wrist'r within the wickets to whoa the witnesses watching while Lenny wept.

By the last minute of play the Strawbs tied the game and forced a shootout to the bewilderment of the Hawaiians who by now had crude oil soaked wings and were about as helpless as a 1 legged senile chicken ridden with botulism (Moose takeout).

5 rounds of sudden death shots later and the Strawbs retired the evening undefeated in a 4-3 win.

The Strawbs had a full bench in their next match against the Boozers. All rusty cylinders were firing, and the match went back in forth with scoring. Magboy was well behaved, no sin bin trips, saving his energy to be the offensive catalyst of play making for the top Turnaround and Slickery executive power line.

The second scoring line of Landzy, Thug, Roussy and Hatrick Harris enjoyed their on ice admission to Landzy Land.   The Landzy Land, known as an event, is also a location situated anywhere between the opponent's goal line and Landzy's stick, when he has the puck.   As the Hawaiians and the Boozers have found out, they didn't have a ticket to Landzy land as the new rookie lit up the red light on a few dandy occasions.

Turneraround and the Mayor had tripped and misapplied their strengths on so many Boozettes during the match that there was bench talk about a Me-too movement.   It never materialized as all parties involved agreed that their behaviour paled in comparison to how Philly Cheese Skates treated the fairer gender.  

The score at the end of the 40 ish minutes was 4-4.  Too bad Freight Train Laronde had retired his rail road tie hands long ago or that would have meant post game pitchers for everyone at the expense of the legendary steamer.
With no promise of free fermented barley water, no one gathered at the terminal tavern. Not even the Thug. 

Saturday, February 24, 2018

Push the Bannock Button: Strawbs Slaughterize Otter Eyes in Revenge Match Gone Awry

Feb. 19 2018

Strawbs vs Bannock Bums 4-1

 Push the Bannock Button: Strawbs Slaughterize Otter Eyes in Revenge Match Gone Awry

The pregame looked as precarious as Lenny’s snaggleteeth, as the Strawbs’ kryptonite meandered into the unsuspecting changeroom spewing lies, saliva and insults. The “Lenny Curse” was deemed “cursory” if anything, when the Strawberries overcame a Gumby-esque first frame. Speaking of the alumnus, fans and pundits mused whether he was in fact absent, or as present as usual on the mild Thursday night semi-final.

Turner and Buchwald joined up to form Buchwald Turner Overdrive as they continued to take care of business in the playoffs.

Shiny Sean Brightly, rowdy Roussey rallied and Neil Hat Trick Harris bagged a goal enroute to a 4-1 humbling of the Bannock Bums. Wendal, Ewart terrific

Championship do or die on March 5th. You can buy the seat, but you’ll only use the edge!

Tuesday, January 09, 2018

Ruffled Feathers

Jan. 7 2018
Undefeated in 2018
(Record 4-2-0)

Strawbs vs Pillow Throwers

Did we win the game? 10-4

The shots were just about 50 to 10 for the frustrated pile of yellow stained Pillows who were playing with a non existent bench.
With no spares, their only break was time off served by earning the numerous penalties due to aggression toward the Strawbs executive Magboy, a stay at home forward who can instantly accelerate past the whole team in half the strides a cheetah takes to reach maximum speed.  Typically the Mag deserves a little 2 by 4 to the mask, shines and lower thoracic, but their last act of malice was an open ice Body Pillow to the streaking Magboy. What the Pillow snuffers lack is respect.  Unfortunately, it is not mandatory prior to Rec league signup, to read the 800 pages of vade mecums as transcribed in HTML, CSS and some bullshit and better known as Save for the Ice Marshal's Heidegger like posts, the rest of the blog evokes religiosity in our foes and is known to instill a certain respect toward the legend of the Killer Strawberries and their current active, potent but modest members. Such reading aught to be enough to avert such on ice warmongering.

Slickery, still adjusting to his new storm trooper bucket, was seen dropping bar down bombs on poor Lenny.  This is no doubt a practice run for our next game against Lenny's for real team, the Flying Hawaiians in which we must break the curse of Lenny for real this time.

Turnanator II, new and improved from his rookie year and sporting a new poly metal alloy rib, has said hasta la vista to his defensive role in a trade for a big cheese goal scorer. The Executive moved him up to a forward because he was always putting the other forwards offside and/or spending too much time dangling behind the opposing team's net.   According to his fit-bit's post game exercise summary, each goal burned 100 calories, and he traveled 7.4 kilometers during the game. On one particular goal his fitbit recorded this redonkulous GPS route through the opposing team and en route to his eventual record breaking slowest 4th-trick on record.  TII's farcical displays are now property of Apple Inc. and saved in the cloud somewhere.... Pillow Cloud?

It would seem like decent odds that we would pull off a win with 7 against 5 if the shots were about even. They indeed were not. The Pillow Throwers tossed everything they had at the amazing Kevin Quick Picks, also amazing at pro-line. If not for him the game may very well have ended much closer, say 12-3.  At times he was marionette like resembling Marty Brodeur in the Enterprise commercial with his head still and appendages downing shots and snuffing out any of the chance of the Pillows returning to the face off circle on their terms. By the end of the 40 it was just Pillow Talk, and the Strawbs were undefeated in 2018. 

The rest of the tired old heap held their own. Nothing was consumed. The team dispersed as it was too late for any rendezvous anywhere other than with our favorite rectangular cloth bag stuffed with feathers.