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Friday, March 24, 2017

B-Champs B-line and 2016-17 Closer

Regulation Record 11-9-0
Playoff 5-1

This is the first time I can recall a back to back B Champ season which is trending toward becoming a beer league dynasty for the Strawbs.  Some of this year's success can be attributed to the voluntary displacement of several arthritis ridden metacarpals.  While carpal creativeness isn't a requirement and is seldom rewarded, some ability to maintain digit diversity and at least some tarsal attentiveness contributes to a joint effort and an end product that is worth more than the sum of its arthritic parts.  I don't know how else to articulate that.

The final game was a battle from the start.  The Strawbs gained a 3-0 lead early and then were forced to defend.  Jesse started us off, then 68 years' worth of the talented Dr. Thug took over.  Marquis and the whole defensive unit were tough and effective.  Last but not least was the fury of Foisy.  It came down to the wire.  It was a 3-2 Strawbs' advantage, but with 6 Boozers on 5 Strawbs and with 7 seconds left, a crease melee ensued.  Bodies and fists were flying, Rossey and Turnaround were diving all over the place, Slicker was hacking, Jesse was politely suggesting an alternative means of expressing aggressiveness, and the Marquis was flailing like a beached whale trying to locate the puck.  Astonishingly the puck stayed out.  The head zebra emerged from the pile with 2 head strong 'Boozers refusing to be losers' under his armpits like Dad walking his 2 juvenile sons from the principal's office to the car.  The game ended with those lucky seconds on the clock.  Immediately the Strawbs, taking their second in a row Consolation Championship, lined up for the team photo.

Rewind 5 months.  For this 2016-17 season, the executives invited 4 Newberries to the team: Stashery(Jessy), Roussy, Turnaround and Foisy.  Roussy and Turnaround quickly became the team's goons.  Having watched Badmoms and read several decade old Strawbs' blog posts, the duo quickly realized that the skates of the likes of Butcher Brophey had been unfilled for quite some time. The legends of the Butcher had made an impact on the naive impressionable Strawbs.  One such legend of toughness was when the Butcher gnawed off half his own ass to streamline his body for more speed, a speed which he used to hip check his opponents into the rafters.  The Butcher was known to have traces of spleen and kidneys on the blade of his stick.  As everyone knows he never unpacked or washed his equipment or chainmail.  The blood and body parts stuck to his jersey, pants and helmet were a constant reminder to his foes that when you mess with the Butcher, you get treated like a cadaver.  Dr. Thug once reported that the Butcher's equipment might carry e-coli; so in 2004, Canadore instituted a full face mask rule so that players' mouths would not come into contact with the Butcher's equipment.

Anyway, our new goons took their rightful place and began their own campaign of collecting enemy body parts, blood alcohol levels and stool.  They also notched many noteworthy goals and contended for the rookie of the year title.  They will be permitted to attend the Nasty Cupcakes' training camp next season.

Foisy quickly become the team's pace setter by speeding up the Thug but slowing down the Magboy in order to pace the game out so there was enough effort left for a full 40 minutes.  It wasn't until his late discovery of a gluten allergy that his game really picked up.  Prior to his gastro-epiphany, Foisy enjoyed a life ruled by wheat.  From his pre-game loaf of bread to his second period vegemite sandwich, he never complained that his belly was sore or that his neck rash hurt.  It also explains why most of his shots were in the breadbasket.  But since his gluten detox, Foisy has quickly become the most improved player. Now his only regret is the dough he wasted on his customized Strawbs Jersey. 

The most notable new addition to the team was Stashery (Jesse).  In over 20 games he failed to take one penalty.  He must either be on a steady prescription of Zoloft or have an incredible ability to ignore annoying whiny millennials.  His concentration was scoring because he notched the most rookie goals which has earned him the ROTY trophy.  He is also welcome to join the Nasty Cupcakes for the September training camp.

Special thanks to the Ice Marshal, G.A.W.D., the Butcher and the Vice for their playoff support. Lets not forget the Strawbettes that came out either.

After the glorious finish, photo shoot, autograph session and impromptu chest tattooing, the Strawbs convened at the Wacky tavern, sat on their thrones and consumed 10 jugs of fresh spigotted ale, 18 juvenile chickens, 3 free appetizers, 1 water vodka and several bottles of glucosamine pills.

Friday, February 03, 2017

Savory Peppercorn Victory Sauce

Jan. 26-Feb. 2, 2017
4 Win Streak
(Record 10-9-0)

You can age a steak for months in the right conditions, but you leave the milk on the table one night and you will be eating your cereal dry.  Aging and conditioning (decades of it)  has proven to be the combination needed to take down the top A division teams.  Every Strawb is firing on all steam pistons. Every play is planned, even the ones where the opponent scores.  Every shot, pass, check, swear word now carefully executed so the Strawbs can crush the top crust teams while coasting into the playoffs in comfortable beer league fashion and still land in the B seed.  

First it was the Chiefs whose on ice council meeting failed to unanimously vote in a winning effort.  Then the under-age beer leagueing Jager Bombers suffered a sobering loss. Their stomachs were later pumped due to Kool-aid poisoning.  OH YA.  Who can forget about last night's pathetic gaggle of geese whose pecking and puck quaking was no match for Killer Strawberry Grade-A steak style hockey grilled to perfection.  The newly branded Puck Hogs (Free Agents) played with passion, but ... if not for fear of tetanus from their rusted out skate blades, the score might have been much higher against.  Perhaps given 10-20 more free penalty shots, the outcome may have been different.

Putting aside all that, there is the magnificent executive scoring talent and boastful offensive defense portfolio put together by the Mayor, the Rousey and the Shinny, and did I mention the gratuitous skill and speed from the Strawbs executive Magboy, Shinny and Slickery?  

Again putting that all aside, Dr Thug's skill has been peaking like a pressure cooker releasing its fragrance and overboosting release of scoring celebrating plenitude.  

Wallee the Rookee of the Year is blowing the zamboni doors off each night with his Tyson Degrasse speed and his shark like blood thirst for red posts.  

Turn Around Turner's run for Rookie of the Year isn't over either. His pacifistic enforcement style and robust ability to lay down from line to line, block shots, poke pucks to thwart offence has earned him the unofficial, yet to be popularized moniker of the Turnernator for his Turner style termination of the opponent's offensive chances.   When Joe-so-Rousey takes a "hasta la vista" on his defense partner, you know what Turnernator will say, "I'll be BACK... here".  He has also been overheard supporting his fellow opponents who happen to be enrolled and heavily reliant on assistance such as The Income Assistance Program and Employment Insurance. Thanks for your support.

Both Marquis de Save and Joey Laporte et Fermé (never defeated) have literally shut the doors on the league's former best better teams. 

With only 2 games left until the split, the Strawbs look to defeat the Slingers and the Flying Hawaiians whom we have never beaten before.  

The team convened several times at the usual watering hole.  3 Stellas, 2 Bud, 2 Northern ale,  a basket of strange beige things, 15 chicken parts and 1 lemon slice were consumed. The team card earned 83 points and NO! Phil did not show up in the second washroom stall at 11:15 Sharp on Mon. Jan 30 for manly discussions over best Strawberry penalties ever.

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Drawing the Venetians closed

Jan 16 2017
Flying Hawaiians 4 Strawbs 2
(Record 6-8-0)

Marques de Save's return from last week's backwash meant a fighting chance to clip the wings of the flapping Hawaiians.  The Strawbs settled in with great chances and adequate defensive efforts.  The two lines (nice to have) picked away at broken down Baker, but his record speaks to his success; and failing to capitalize on our chances by some strange un-luck further points to the presence of an outstanding curse.  The veterans Pyjama Man and Slickery were able to temporarily snap the curse's hold on the entire game by finding the mesh and earning a goal apiece.  And the Marque was able to deny the flappers on several chances which should have been sure goals.  Our 2 fans gave him standing O's for his illegal acts of grand theft.  The larcenies were so grand that the victim has since taken out insurance on his shots.  But despite the efforts, the additional curse of the blind zebroids (what you get when you mix a zebra and a donkey)  really played a hand in this hard fought loss.  And if you were there, you make up the 99.99% that knew that wasn't a goal.  It is evident how the balance of power is upset by outside forces that should attempt to remain neutral.

Open your blinds man; you are killing the game.