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Friday, March 24, 2017

B-Champs B-line and 2016-17 Closer

Regulation Record 11-9-0
Playoff 5-1

This is the first time I can recall a back to back B Champ season which is trending toward becoming a beer league dynasty for the Strawbs.  Some of this year's success can be attributed to the voluntary displacement of several arthritis ridden metacarpals.  While carpal creativeness isn't a requirement and is seldom rewarded, some ability to maintain digit diversity and at least some tarsal attentiveness contributes to a joint effort and an end product that is worth more than the sum of its arthritic parts.  I don't know how else to articulate that.

The final game was a battle from the start.  The Strawbs gained a 3-0 lead early and then were forced to defend.  Jesse started us off, then 68 years' worth of the talented Dr. Thug took over.  Marquis and the whole defensive unit were tough and effective.  Last but not least was the fury of Foisy.  It came down to the wire.  It was a 3-2 Strawbs' advantage, but with 6 Boozers on 5 Strawbs and with 7 seconds left, a crease melee ensued.  Bodies and fists were flying, Rossey and Turnaround were diving all over the place, Slicker was hacking, Jesse was politely suggesting an alternative means of expressing aggressiveness, and the Marquis was flailing like a beached whale trying to locate the puck.  Astonishingly the puck stayed out.  The head zebra emerged from the pile with 2 head strong 'Boozers refusing to be losers' under his armpits like Dad walking his 2 juvenile sons from the principal's office to the car.  The game ended with those lucky seconds on the clock.  Immediately the Strawbs, taking their second in a row Consolation Championship, lined up for the team photo.

Rewind 5 months.  For this 2016-17 season, the executives invited 4 Newberries to the team: Stashery(Jessy), Roussy, Turnaround and Foisy.  Roussy and Turnaround quickly became the team's goons.  Having watched Badmoms and read several decade old Strawbs' blog posts, the duo quickly realized that the skates of the likes of Butcher Brophey had been unfilled for quite some time. The legends of the Butcher had made an impact on the naive impressionable Strawbs.  One such legend of toughness was when the Butcher gnawed off half his own ass to streamline his body for more speed, a speed which he used to hip check his opponents into the rafters.  The Butcher was known to have traces of spleen and kidneys on the blade of his stick.  As everyone knows he never unpacked or washed his equipment or chainmail.  The blood and body parts stuck to his jersey, pants and helmet were a constant reminder to his foes that when you mess with the Butcher, you get treated like a cadaver.  Dr. Thug once reported that the Butcher's equipment might carry e-coli; so in 2004, Canadore instituted a full face mask rule so that players' mouths would not come into contact with the Butcher's equipment.

Anyway, our new goons took their rightful place and began their own campaign of collecting enemy body parts, blood alcohol levels and stool.  They also notched many noteworthy goals and contended for the rookie of the year title.  They will be permitted to attend the Nasty Cupcakes' training camp next season.

Foisy quickly become the team's pace setter by speeding up the Thug but slowing down the Magboy in order to pace the game out so there was enough effort left for a full 40 minutes.  It wasn't until his late discovery of a gluten allergy that his game really picked up.  Prior to his gastro-epiphany, Foisy enjoyed a life ruled by wheat.  From his pre-game loaf of bread to his second period vegemite sandwich, he never complained that his belly was sore or that his neck rash hurt.  It also explains why most of his shots were in the breadbasket.  But since his gluten detox, Foisy has quickly become the most improved player. Now his only regret is the dough he wasted on his customized Strawbs Jersey. 

The most notable new addition to the team was Stashery (Jesse).  In over 20 games he failed to take one penalty.  He must either be on a steady prescription of Zoloft or have an incredible ability to ignore annoying whiny millennials.  His concentration was scoring because he notched the most rookie goals which has earned him the ROTY trophy.  He is also welcome to join the Nasty Cupcakes for the September training camp.

Special thanks to the Ice Marshal, G.A.W.D., the Butcher and the Vice for their playoff support. Lets not forget the Strawbettes that came out either.

After the glorious finish, photo shoot, autograph session and impromptu chest tattooing, the Strawbs convened at the Wacky tavern, sat on their thrones and consumed 10 jugs of fresh spigotted ale, 18 juvenile chickens, 3 free appetizers, 1 water vodka and several bottles of glucosamine pills.

1 comment:

Rob Greenfield said...

Hmmm ... no comments on Strawbs this season? Sad.