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Monday, January 30, 2006

Rusty Derelict Fails To Impress
Dejected Ducks Dumped 10-2
Game Report - January 26, 2006

In his maiden game of the season, "Rusty Derelict" Erickson was rather a disappointment on and off the ice. Fortunately, the rest of the squad, led by a rejuvenated, medicated and merciless Rob "The Torch" Greenfield, managed to squeeze out a 10-2 victory over a goalie-less and humourless debauch of disheartened Ducks who complained stridently, loudly and relentlessly about the fact that the proud Strawbs, intent on propelling its juggernaut to the Cup, kept putting the puck, often inadvertently, into their net ... imagine that!

It was apparent from the get go that Rusty was just emerging from a long Sudbury brain freeze as he attempted to keep up with the free wheeling Strawberry forwards, each of whom is in peak physical and psychological condition, awaiting the inevitable call from the brass of the Olympic Hockey team. It had been hoped that Rusty might fill in at least not too inadequately for Benedict Arnold Gawdawful Gumby and the ever unreliable Butcher Brophey, but, alas, such was not to be the case. The hapless Rusty played as if he had walked along the highway in his skates all the way from Sudbury to attend the match. During the game, he slipped, tripped, fell, self-concussed and skedaddled wildly about, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. His performance at the terminal tavren (yes, tavren) was equally inept as he failed to pick up the team's tab, in what surely can no longer be called a simple rookie mistake. Rusty has been around long enough to know what constitutes proper etiquette in a situation where one's maiden game occurs in mid-season. Obviously, he no longer relies on his maidenhead.

With the Ducks' goalie AWOL, The Torch got his first three goals of the year, all the while attempting to up-play his feat by telling his team mates he wasn't even trying to score. We have spent years watching him trying to score, and he was trying to score. Although he has lifetime diplomatic immunity with the Strawbs as the Vice Ice Marshall For Life, he cannot have been unaware of the less than discreet rumblings in the dressing concerning his lack of output over the last 2 years. As he so delicately put it to the rumblers at game's end ... "You can stick my goals tonight anywhere you'd like, ... preferably (undecipherable). A goal is a goal and don't you boneheads ever forget it."

Jesse The Leak was once again stellar, as the Ducks, with more skaters than the Strawbs on the ice at all times, still managed some excellent forays into Strawbs' territory. He has been asked to come for the next game and rumour has it that he will probably get to start the game after that.

Jon Jean John spent more time on his gluteus maximus than all other players combined. Apparently, in Kirkland Lake, the backwater from which he hails, real hockey players only get their skates sharpened once per season. A fund has been set up to raise sufficient funds for JJJ to get his blades tuned before next game. Send cash to IMW, c/o The JJJ Entertainment Fund, at 100 College, North Bay, ON. No donation can be too big.

At the post game wrap up, 1 Bass, 4 Stella, 1 Keiths and something else from the beer phyllum were consumed. Oh yeah, almost forgot. The Torch nursed a hot toddy (a friggin hot toddy, for gawdsakes). He claimed to have a bad cold. What a baby!

Next game: Thursday, Feb. 9 at 8:45

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Killer Strawbs Go Commercial (DOT COM)

At our last post game outing some members pooled together the funds for the registry of the domain name Was that supposed to be the tip money?
I didn't think a dot com was available and that we would have to settle for a dot ca, but for some reason no other organization, until now, has capitalized on the availability of this domain name.

As of Jan 24 2006 8:45PM The Killer Strawberries Hockey Club paid for, with tip money, and registered (under my name) the domain name The address now re-directs to our free Google blog so start using the new name. Like every other addictive get rich quick scheme, lets make some money and retire.

PS. Don’t sit there all day and click on the ads, as Google will revoke our account.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Pleasure Craft Card

Get your pleasure craft card while it is still 25 bucks

A) In the SPRING of 2006, "At Home" testing will be discontinued. Registration now ensures testing under the present system even after the changes take effect.

B) Future testing will only be conducted:

  • at set times
  • at sanctioned testing centres
  • using a standardized lengthy test and course
causing administration cost to rise dramatically.

C) We will continue to provide "At Home" testing, the present and existing system, to those registered before the expected 2006 spring change date.

BTW our site's earnings.... Total Earnings: $2.49

Friday, January 20, 2006

Smokey Returns Triumphant
Game Report - January 19, 2006

With the unexpected self-inflicted mental injury to Gawdawful Gumby, the Strawbs were forced to recall a repentant “Smokey” Hill from its farm club’s farm club, the Nasty Cupcakes, in order to bolster its roster for last night’s tilt against the resurgent Dirty Stallions. It would appear Smokey spent his last week in Backwater, NWT, working hard on his game, and his performance did not disappoint in the Strawberries hard-fought 1-1 tie. “I told you I’d be back,” he ventured timourously before the game. “Jon Jean John’s video, “How To Score Goals With No Shot and Little Talent,” was truly an eye-opener. His techniques are astounding. I just don't understand why he hasn’t scored any of his own goals since early November. He certainly knows how to talk a good game, and his video is well titled. I’ll just chalk it up to hubris.” Apparently, Smokey, in addition to honing his game while exiled to Backwater, picked up some new vocabulary which should serve him well as he jaws away with opposition players while he serves one of his many future coincidental minors in the sin bin. Hubris indeed.

Jesse “the Leak” strengthened his case for a contract extension through February with a stellar performance between the pipes. With a little more practice picking up the team’s not inconsenquential bar tabs at the terminal tavren (yes, tavren), he could become a team fixture. Speaking of fixtures, both the Love Glove and Magnesium Man played with all the dexterity of table lamps, as each of them failed to bulge the twine on the breakaways. Management is seriously considering benching both these players until they can show more scoring prowess.

In a move designed to awe the multitude of fans in attendance, The Torch pulled off a rather nifty play designed to keep Jesse the Leak on his toes, a true stroke of genius in a game where the Strawbs were trailing by one goal late in the last period. In a move reminiscent of Edgar "the Bull" Balachine in the 1932 World Cup Hockey Summit Series in Buggarme, Togo, the stalwart defenceman, a term applied loosely here, decided to fall down while defending inside his own blue line, thus giving a two man break to a pair of streaking Stallions. Fortunately, the Leak was up for the challenge and stopped 16 shots while waiting for the prone Torch to get up off his fat ass and rush to his assistance.

Nobody else did anything worthwhile or noteworthy, except for the Ice Marshall who continues to impress the scouts with his legerdemain, on ice savvy and goods looks.

8 jugs of Keith’s, 3 Guinness, 4 plates of nachos, 3 heaps of chicken wings and 1 platter of limp calamari (whatever that is) were consumed.

Next game : Thursday, January 26 at 8:45.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

"Smokey" Hill
This photo was taken of "Smokey" Hill upon his post-Christmas release from the De-TOX and Quit-Smoking Center in Paducca, Arkansas.
Strawbs Less Than Almost Undefeated - Smokey Hill Clears Waivers
Game Report January 12, 2006

After a lengthy and weight-gain filled Christmas holiday layoff, the Strawbs came out for its first game of the new year firing on 11 of 12 cylinders and narrowly lost a hotly contested match with the second place Motley Moosers by a score of 3 to 2. According to most of the media types present, the Strawberries were the dominant squad, peppering the poor Moosers' pipetender with more shots than Keith Richards consumed on New Year's Eve, 1969.

None of the shot barrage came off the stick of Smokey Hill, whose one blast from five feet out missed the opposing net by no less than 3 meters, rounding down to the nearest integer. "I don't understand," claimed an apparently puzzled Hill. "I worked on my shot continuously during the break. I even resorted to watching Jon Jean John's obscure home video entitled '
How To Score With Little Talent And A Mediocre Shot. After 4 weeks practice, I could break a mirror from 6 feet, 2 out of 10 times. I was improving."

Smokey's lament unfortunately fell upon deaf ears, and he was placed on waivers with 5 minutes left in the game. As expected, he was not claimed by any of the other teams in the league, and he has been reassigned to the club's farm club's farm club, the Nasty Cupcakes headquartered in Backwaterville, Northwest Territories. "I will work hard to regain the respect of the club's executive. I plan on cutting back to 6 packs a day and only drinking before noon. They'll see. I'll be back", commented an obviously crestfallen Hill.

Santa was good to at least one Strawb over the holidays. Butcher Brophey returned to the new season sporting a jaunty new pair of real hockey pants whose colour was chosen by his long suffering wife to match his "beautiful eyes." He must have chosen his own new socks though ... red silk with pretty yellow tassels and bells which tinkled every time he was beaten by an opposing player. Fashion sense (or any sense for that matter) has never been his forte.

The team was grateful for the effort put in by Freight Train Laronde who broke not just a few speed laws to get to the game in time from a "meeting" in Toronto, or so he claimed. Between Laronde's Herculean efforts, before and during the game, and the somewhat lethargic but almost adequate performance by Dr. Thug, the result should have been more fortunate for the Strawbs.

Nobody else on the team did anything noteworthy on the evening except Magnesium Man who inadvertently threw up on the new waitress at the terminal tavren (yes, tavren). Apparently this is how he marks his territory. Now we know why none of us has ever met his reputed girlfriend, Miss Emesis Basin of Retch Creek, Nevada.

The team learned at the post game conference that it was not just Paris and the fatter Olsen twin who were ensconced at the Aloha Bay Compound in Oahu over the break. Angelina Jolie, sans Brad, was seen frolicking among the palms. Rumour has it that Angelina's recent pregnancy was initiated during her Hawaiian sojourn and that she is considering naming the offspring Icey Marshall Jolie, whether a boy, girl or otherwise. IM Walpole, a married man, when confronted with the news simply stated cryptically, "A gentleman will walk but will not run."

8 pitchers, 3 plates of nachos and 2 lbs of chicken wings were consumed.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

The Killer Strawberries pose and compose during another photo op a few years ago.