Search This Blog

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Strawbs Less Than Almost Undefeated - Smokey Hill Clears Waivers
Game Report January 12, 2006

After a lengthy and weight-gain filled Christmas holiday layoff, the Strawbs came out for its first game of the new year firing on 11 of 12 cylinders and narrowly lost a hotly contested match with the second place Motley Moosers by a score of 3 to 2. According to most of the media types present, the Strawberries were the dominant squad, peppering the poor Moosers' pipetender with more shots than Keith Richards consumed on New Year's Eve, 1969.

None of the shot barrage came off the stick of Smokey Hill, whose one blast from five feet out missed the opposing net by no less than 3 meters, rounding down to the nearest integer. "I don't understand," claimed an apparently puzzled Hill. "I worked on my shot continuously during the break. I even resorted to watching Jon Jean John's obscure home video entitled '
How To Score With Little Talent And A Mediocre Shot. After 4 weeks practice, I could break a mirror from 6 feet, 2 out of 10 times. I was improving."

Smokey's lament unfortunately fell upon deaf ears, and he was placed on waivers with 5 minutes left in the game. As expected, he was not claimed by any of the other teams in the league, and he has been reassigned to the club's farm club's farm club, the Nasty Cupcakes headquartered in Backwaterville, Northwest Territories. "I will work hard to regain the respect of the club's executive. I plan on cutting back to 6 packs a day and only drinking before noon. They'll see. I'll be back", commented an obviously crestfallen Hill.

Santa was good to at least one Strawb over the holidays. Butcher Brophey returned to the new season sporting a jaunty new pair of real hockey pants whose colour was chosen by his long suffering wife to match his "beautiful eyes." He must have chosen his own new socks though ... red silk with pretty yellow tassels and bells which tinkled every time he was beaten by an opposing player. Fashion sense (or any sense for that matter) has never been his forte.

The team was grateful for the effort put in by Freight Train Laronde who broke not just a few speed laws to get to the game in time from a "meeting" in Toronto, or so he claimed. Between Laronde's Herculean efforts, before and during the game, and the somewhat lethargic but almost adequate performance by Dr. Thug, the result should have been more fortunate for the Strawbs.

Nobody else on the team did anything noteworthy on the evening except Magnesium Man who inadvertently threw up on the new waitress at the terminal tavren (yes, tavren). Apparently this is how he marks his territory. Now we know why none of us has ever met his reputed girlfriend, Miss Emesis Basin of Retch Creek, Nevada.

The team learned at the post game conference that it was not just Paris and the fatter Olsen twin who were ensconced at the Aloha Bay Compound in Oahu over the break. Angelina Jolie, sans Brad, was seen frolicking among the palms. Rumour has it that Angelina's recent pregnancy was initiated during her Hawaiian sojourn and that she is considering naming the offspring Icey Marshall Jolie, whether a boy, girl or otherwise. IM Walpole, a married man, when confronted with the news simply stated cryptically, "A gentleman will walk but will not run."

8 pitchers, 3 plates of nachos and 2 lbs of chicken wings were consumed.

No comments: