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Friday, January 20, 2006

Smokey Returns Triumphant
Game Report - January 19, 2006

With the unexpected self-inflicted mental injury to Gawdawful Gumby, the Strawbs were forced to recall a repentant “Smokey” Hill from its farm club’s farm club, the Nasty Cupcakes, in order to bolster its roster for last night’s tilt against the resurgent Dirty Stallions. It would appear Smokey spent his last week in Backwater, NWT, working hard on his game, and his performance did not disappoint in the Strawberries hard-fought 1-1 tie. “I told you I’d be back,” he ventured timourously before the game. “Jon Jean John’s video, “How To Score Goals With No Shot and Little Talent,” was truly an eye-opener. His techniques are astounding. I just don't understand why he hasn’t scored any of his own goals since early November. He certainly knows how to talk a good game, and his video is well titled. I’ll just chalk it up to hubris.” Apparently, Smokey, in addition to honing his game while exiled to Backwater, picked up some new vocabulary which should serve him well as he jaws away with opposition players while he serves one of his many future coincidental minors in the sin bin. Hubris indeed.

Jesse “the Leak” strengthened his case for a contract extension through February with a stellar performance between the pipes. With a little more practice picking up the team’s not inconsenquential bar tabs at the terminal tavren (yes, tavren), he could become a team fixture. Speaking of fixtures, both the Love Glove and Magnesium Man played with all the dexterity of table lamps, as each of them failed to bulge the twine on the breakaways. Management is seriously considering benching both these players until they can show more scoring prowess.

In a move designed to awe the multitude of fans in attendance, The Torch pulled off a rather nifty play designed to keep Jesse the Leak on his toes, a true stroke of genius in a game where the Strawbs were trailing by one goal late in the last period. In a move reminiscent of Edgar "the Bull" Balachine in the 1932 World Cup Hockey Summit Series in Buggarme, Togo, the stalwart defenceman, a term applied loosely here, decided to fall down while defending inside his own blue line, thus giving a two man break to a pair of streaking Stallions. Fortunately, the Leak was up for the challenge and stopped 16 shots while waiting for the prone Torch to get up off his fat ass and rush to his assistance.

Nobody else did anything worthwhile or noteworthy, except for the Ice Marshall who continues to impress the scouts with his legerdemain, on ice savvy and goods looks.

8 jugs of Keith’s, 3 Guinness, 4 plates of nachos, 3 heaps of chicken wings and 1 platter of limp calamari (whatever that is) were consumed.

Next game : Thursday, January 26 at 8:45.

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