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Monday, January 30, 2006

Rusty Derelict Fails To Impress
Dejected Ducks Dumped 10-2
Game Report - January 26, 2006

In his maiden game of the season, "Rusty Derelict" Erickson was rather a disappointment on and off the ice. Fortunately, the rest of the squad, led by a rejuvenated, medicated and merciless Rob "The Torch" Greenfield, managed to squeeze out a 10-2 victory over a goalie-less and humourless debauch of disheartened Ducks who complained stridently, loudly and relentlessly about the fact that the proud Strawbs, intent on propelling its juggernaut to the Cup, kept putting the puck, often inadvertently, into their net ... imagine that!

It was apparent from the get go that Rusty was just emerging from a long Sudbury brain freeze as he attempted to keep up with the free wheeling Strawberry forwards, each of whom is in peak physical and psychological condition, awaiting the inevitable call from the brass of the Olympic Hockey team. It had been hoped that Rusty might fill in at least not too inadequately for Benedict Arnold Gawdawful Gumby and the ever unreliable Butcher Brophey, but, alas, such was not to be the case. The hapless Rusty played as if he had walked along the highway in his skates all the way from Sudbury to attend the match. During the game, he slipped, tripped, fell, self-concussed and skedaddled wildly about, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. His performance at the terminal tavren (yes, tavren) was equally inept as he failed to pick up the team's tab, in what surely can no longer be called a simple rookie mistake. Rusty has been around long enough to know what constitutes proper etiquette in a situation where one's maiden game occurs in mid-season. Obviously, he no longer relies on his maidenhead.

With the Ducks' goalie AWOL, The Torch got his first three goals of the year, all the while attempting to up-play his feat by telling his team mates he wasn't even trying to score. We have spent years watching him trying to score, and he was trying to score. Although he has lifetime diplomatic immunity with the Strawbs as the Vice Ice Marshall For Life, he cannot have been unaware of the less than discreet rumblings in the dressing concerning his lack of output over the last 2 years. As he so delicately put it to the rumblers at game's end ... "You can stick my goals tonight anywhere you'd like, ... preferably (undecipherable). A goal is a goal and don't you boneheads ever forget it."

Jesse The Leak was once again stellar, as the Ducks, with more skaters than the Strawbs on the ice at all times, still managed some excellent forays into Strawbs' territory. He has been asked to come for the next game and rumour has it that he will probably get to start the game after that.

Jon Jean John spent more time on his gluteus maximus than all other players combined. Apparently, in Kirkland Lake, the backwater from which he hails, real hockey players only get their skates sharpened once per season. A fund has been set up to raise sufficient funds for JJJ to get his blades tuned before next game. Send cash to IMW, c/o The JJJ Entertainment Fund, at 100 College, North Bay, ON. No donation can be too big.

At the post game wrap up, 1 Bass, 4 Stella, 1 Keiths and something else from the beer phyllum were consumed. Oh yeah, almost forgot. The Torch nursed a hot toddy (a friggin hot toddy, for gawdsakes). He claimed to have a bad cold. What a baby!

Next game: Thursday, Feb. 9 at 8:45


Anonymous said...

...exactly what I expected to read, except the whole part about the 'Torch's' goal-scoring prowess. I'm sure everyone on the team has noticed him always accompanying the Zebra-man to the timekeeper's bench to assist him with the recording of the goal-scoring info.
One other thing too, why would Rusty Derek-Lick walk all the way from Sudbury with his skates on?!...well, at least he made the game in time, eh Butcher?!

the B.A.G.G. Man

See ya'll on the 9th!

Anonymous said...

ah, Gumby, when goals are as hard to come by as they are for me, one must ensure proper credit, we all know it sure won't come from you guys!
The 9th it is.

Anonymous said...

Dear Bagg Boy,

Are you impugning the intelligence of Rusty Derelict? You know he has a fragile ego.

Rusty has played in more of the last 2 games than you have, even though he lives in that wasteland we call Sudbury. Now that's dedication and you should take note. Hope you have been enjoying playing with your new friends.

There is still a place on the Strawbs' roster for you and your highly touted skills, diplomatic and otherwise, although if Paris had her way (and she usually does), you'd be toiling a few weeks with the Nasty Cupcakes until you played yourself back into shape(or at least the same shape as the most out of shape Strawberry currently on the squad, and we all know who that is!)