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Wednesday, September 28, 2005

The Killer Strawberries ready themselves for another match.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005


It is with deep regret (and more than a modicum of relief) that the executive of the Killer Strawberries Hockey Club announce the unforced retirement of the the legendary Moses McLean.

Killer Strawberries The Legend

Dedicated to Mississippi Mills of the Mississippi Mills Trailer Park and Charm School, a comforter and friend of all things athletic.

The following announcement appeared mysteriously in the North Bay Nugget classified ads under the heading "Coming Attractions" on September 13, 1986. Attempts to trace the party responsible for the ad have proven futile.

Adventure of a Lifetime

Inaugural Formation of the Killer Strawberries Gentlemen's Club. 6:30pm Sharp, September 15, 1986, IOOF Hall, Cassells Street, North Bay, Ontario.

Interested parties are instructed to consult the Scottish Dialectic Dictionary housed in the library of the venerable Ancient Carnoustie Gentlemen's Sports Club, Carnoustie, Scotland, a copy of which is currently on loan to the North Bay Library.

The copy of the dictionary in question, the only extant copy known to mankind, was shipped out of the North Bay Library at the closing of business on September 15, 1986 and perished in an unfortunate maritime disaster in the North Atlantic on September 19, 1986. A recent visit by a former yet still virile member of the Killer Strawberries Hockey club to the library at Carnoustie unearthed the following definitions:

Killer: (definition #4)
OS (Old Scots), 1325 AD, helplessly handsome or gifted.

Strawberries:(definition #2)
OS, 1547 AD, addicted to hookey.
On September 15, 1986 at 7:37pm at the IOOF Hall on Cassells Street in the City of North Bay, 12 adventuresome spirits, chronic misspellers and punctual underachievers, one of whom unexplainedly showed up with a bag of partially inflated soccer balls, answered the cryptic missive by attending the Inaugural Formation. They christened their new alliance "The Killer Strawberries Hockey (sic) Club". Over the years, there have been a few personnel changes, unresolved murders (related to a controversial change in bylaws opening the membership to the other sex) and clandestine meetings. Very few have been asked or will ever be asked to join this august body. All that can be said is that, with the existence of the club, the world continues to be a better place.

Monday, September 26, 2005

2006-2007 Team Roster

  1. Bob Walpole
  2. Rob Greenfield
  3. Glen Brophey
  4. Jesse Davis
  5. Frank Gibbons
  6. Gerald Laronde
  7. Bill Procunier
  8. Denis Buchwald
  9. Jason St.Pierre
  10. Mike Petigrew
  11. Warren Lewis

2003-2004 Team Roster

  1. Glenn No-knees No Go Brophey, 49, connoisseur of self love and other esoterica,
  2. Mike Floppy Drive Pettigrew, 48, last known to have sweated on a hockey rink in 1962
  3. Moses McLean, age unknown, great uncle to Aurel Joliette
  4. Rob The Torch Greenfield, 48, still defying his mother's rule not to play with matches
  5. Basher Bob Walpole, 48 but looks 25, largest groupie following of any Strwberry ever
  6. Derelict Erickson, 41 but looks 42, still staggering on and off the ice
  7. Dr. Bug Bill Procunier, 52, next year his age will match his IQ (rounded up to closest integer)
  8. Pyjama Frank Gibbons, 28 but plays like Aurel Joliette, no longer producing offspring without Strawberries' management consent
  9. Serene Dean Haley, 8, happy to be playing down to Strawberries' level
  10. Jon John Jean Confused Richard, 26, once spun himself through the ice to China where he still hit the post
  11. Jonathan T.Witt, 18 but looks 18, long hair got caught in girlfriend's zipper, AWOL since October 2003
  12. Denis the Pennis Buchwald, 25, recently let in 3 goals on 2 shots, asked by management to stay at least 20 feet away from his own crease
  13. Phil Upthenet Popp, 24, has played too many games without a helmet, best Strawberries' goalie ever according to his mom

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Official Site Opening

Welcome to the official Killer Strawberries Blog.