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Monday, April 16, 2012

Dubious Awards - Freight Train

What can you say about Freight Train Laronde? He’s the biggest guy on the team, like a few of us, he possess one of the crappiest shots on the team, he’s the only guy on the Strawbs who prays before each game that the game doesn’t end up in a 4-4 tie, he’s taken more vacation time than any other Strawb for which he’s missed more games due to that than any other Strawb, even more than the Butcher, aside from all that, he’s the consummate Killer Strawberry. He’ll play any position asked of him by the executive. When he’s called on to play defense the Marquis breathes a sigh of relief that it’s not another piece of Trout Lake driftwood in front of him, his play at forward keeps the opposition players in check, and he’s invariably one of the first forwards back checking, next to Mag Boy, Lill Wagner and the Mayor, where he’s a relentless back checker. Through all that, he never complains or grouses, hardly ever gets upset, takes few penalties, in fact earns few of the ones he gets, he never disses or says negative things about his team mates’ on ice performances even when they’re Gawdawful. After games he is always up for going for a post-game pop, wherever the executive decides to go. He’s a great team mate.

He’s the epitome of a Lady Bing winner –the NHL award for “the player adjudged to have exhibited the best type of sportsmanship and gentlemanly conduct combined with a high standard of playing ability.”

So, we are proud to present to Freight Train Laronde, the Killer Strawberries’ version of the Lady Bing award – for exhibiting the best type of sportsmanship and gentlemanly conduct combined with a relatively good standard of playing ability and for always being willing to go for a post-game beer, the Lady Olsen Twins Award.

Awards Night Turns Into Love-In

On April 13, 2012, the Killer Strawberries Hockey and Gentlemen's Club held its umpteenth Annual Dubious Achievement Awards Night at the The Compound For Minor Vice. Very few fights broke out even though the event was heavily fueled by gallons of Offside Pale Ale and Body Czech Lager produced by the team's brewmasters specifically for the occasion.

Moose chili, moose pepperoni, smoked trout, smoked arctic char, smoked pickerel and many other delicacies were consumed with abandon. Many photos were taken but quickly deleted.

The Awards themselves were epitomes of eloquence and good taste. Much drying of tears was conducted openly. Below, is the text of the Award made by The Marquis DeSave to his pal P. Gumbington Pettigrew III, aka Gawdawful Gumby or Gawd as he likes to call himself. Gawd's Award for his goaler will be published soon in this space.

Dubious Achievement Award: Sir Gawdawful Gumby

The SIGNIFICANTLY USELESS CREATOR of KERFUFFLES, more commonly known as the “SUCK” award, is awarded to a much deserving player (defensemen usually, but was recently opened up to offensive players due to lil_wagner and Mayor Maynot circumstances.)

The recipient of this award possesses many unique qualities to say the least, many of which result in crisp, fast, intelligent and dazzling plays…..for the opposing team.

Perhaps this recipient morphs an interest in curling with his lacklustre hockey playing ability, thus resulting in the object of interest being shot up the middle of the ice carelessly. Or maybe, as his belief in SHANKY six-iron leads us to think – that this recipient relies on a supreme being to help him on the ice. Unfortunately, that supreme being knows “FUCK ALL” about hockey.

The grip of shame suited him like a spandex headband on the convenor’s forehead. Tight.

This recipient is Gumby.

Gumby is known for putting the ‘ass’ in pass, for putting the ‘aw’ in giveaway, and for putting the ‘ill’ in Killer Strawberries. His motto “same as it ever was” implies that, contrary to the folk tales the other people on this team tell of once fast, hardnosed, precise hockey, he was always gawdawful.

His receding ability in hockey is compared by spectators to that of his hairline: slow, painful, and irreversible.

His orange socks are not as much of a coincidence as they are a warning to teammates that they are working with a pylon on defence. The game film wholeheartedly agrees.

The motivational quotes on his stick are shot into the abyss with every possession, clutching onto the glimmer of hope that they will find someone who will put their phrases to use.

Without any further ado, please help me congratulate our friend and 2012 SUCK recipient, Sir GawdAwful Gumby.