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Saturday, October 20, 2012

The Magic Never Leaves

Strawbs   9                   Predators   1

Game report

October 17, 2012

Bolstered by the return of Freight Train Laronde, who had missed the first game of the year due to a conflict with his monthly pedicure treatment, and by the return of the team’s spiritual leader, the handsome Ice Marshal Walpole, the Strawbs put the boots to a shocked team of pimply Predators.

The forward lines were firing on all cylinders except for MagBoy, who, although he played extremely well, managed to miss 5 sure goals. As his friend Gumby, a man noted for his casual understatement in all aspects of his life, noted “last night the MagPie couldn’t have found his own ass with both hands and a spotter.”

Warrin’ Peace was on fire. He flitted about the ice determined to erase, in one game, all the crappy play which had plagued him in the 2 previous seasons. And he succeeded. Smoother than an Ex-Lax enema and faster than his first premature ejaculation, Mr. Peace was outstanding. His only goal was a thing of beauty: toe drag, head fake, right dart and poof, the puck bulges the twine.

The normally glaring holes in the defence were temporarily plugged by the unusual good play of the blueline corps. Despite having only three sets of gloves for four people, the defenders switched equipment with all the practised ease of a Mormon polygamist. It is true that Sir Gawdawful Gumby did send four or more errant passes up the middle of his own zone for easy pick off by the Predators, yet this number was way less than predicted by the Executive just before game time.

The Marquis DeSave shone in net. On one memorable play, he managed to give the puck a concussion as it pinged off his dense bean into the mesh above his net. Reports filtering through at press time indicate that the puck is recovering nicely.

After the game, everyone went right home to bed. No Scotch, no Leaf Trail Pumpkin Ale or other sarsaparillas were consumed.  

Thursday, October 18, 2012

If you Schedule it he will come

Strawbs 3 Mongeese 4

The big story coming out of the Strawbs season opener isn’t the number of tetanus shots given out by the health unit the next morning due to players mishandling their rust coated skates.  I don’t think it’s a shocker that we probably broke the record for the most penalty minutes in our first match either. On the other hand, it’s slightly shocking that the Butcher was on hand and didn’t even take a penalty for his usual meat hooking and bologna slicing.  There is not much of a story to build out of Gumby’s too many men penalty. Yes it will be hard to forgive and should be mentioned in every following post, but in reality he was just fixated on leaving the box to torment the stickless authority instead of adding to the play.  Magboy received a penalty for what the medical community would call a lower limb stickoscopy, a procedure hailed by most surgeons.  Nope, there is no story there either.

The big story is the return of “Skateless” Warren Peace. Legend has it that his skates didn't fit one game, so he played the final period in his bare feet. He left Strawbs Hockey after a controversial season never to play again.  One evening the Executives heard a voice coming from their private corn fields. (BTW Corn is their code word) Sometimes the Exec’s evenings activities can get the better of them, and who knows what kind of S&amp^*t they hear from the privacy of their hot tubs.  Anyway, come game night “Skateless” appeared looking as young and agile as he once did when he used to play. It’s like he had never aged a day.  We expected that the mystical return of a ghost hockey player would have some effect on our game.  Unfortunately like so many other popular ghost movies, aside from seeing them, they can’t do much else.  

Game tonight 1045.  “Skateless” please show up in your physical form.