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Monday, October 31, 2005

Strawberries Pull One Out Of The Pumpkin Patch

Game Report
By Ice Marshall Walpole

In keeping with the spirit of Halloween, the Strawbs disguised themselves as the Killer Pumpkins in their tilt last night against a spooked squad aptly named the Crazy Puckers. In donning the highly flattering orange "away" jerseys magnanimously provided by the league in its infinite wisdom, the Strawberries waited until 19:56 of the final period to put away the game in a hard fought 4-3 battle.

Playing with the opposition (and, of course themselves) has become a favourite team pursuit, second only to the post game quaffing and unabashed exaggeration to be had at the terminal tavren (yes, tavren) of choice, the highly touted Bull & Quench, home of the $40 Guinness.

Pyjama Man Gibbons led the squad with his first hat trick and treat of the season, which stellar performance included the winning goal on a lovely swoop to the net. This performance should quell, at least for the short term, those rancid rumours which attributed his lackluster output so far to a lack of attention at home and/or a serious over the counter drug problem.

Butcher Brophey continued his strong case for demotion by racking up a less than impressive minus 2 within the first 40 seconds of the game. To stanch the bleeding caused by his poor play, No Knees removed himself from the game soon thereafter. It was not lost on the Executive that, with the beleaguered defenceman's withdrawal, the Strawberries outscored the opposition 4-1 the rest of the way.

Rob "The Torch" Greenfield landed the best full body block of the evening saving a sure breakaway but leaving the team short for a lengthy 3 minutes. His claim of "accidental body contact" is starting to wear thin with both his teammates and the ever vigilant zebras.

The game also saw the return of Freight Train Laronde, who missed the last Strawberries match because of a scheduling conflict... a conflict between
a) the official hockey schedule showing the right place and time for the game, and,
b) the reading challenged defenceman's left brain which failed to communicate with his right brain.

As a result, Mr. Laronde has been forced to resign his presidency of the Nipissing Ltterricy Sosiaty but is still welcome to skate with the team.

Smokey Hill, whose shot found the opposition net on at least one occasion last evening, continues his quixotic quest to have smoking allowed on the benches and during on ice lulls in play. We wish him luck and hope he gets his way before he succumbs to lung cancer. ( The team is currently weighing his unusual request to have RJ Reynolds and the Marlboro Man as pall bearers should the need arise)

The first star of the game, chosen by an independent panel of hangers-on, was once again Ice Marshall Walpole who narrowly edged Pyjama Man for the coveted honour. He certainly was not chosen for his play, which was described by one casual fan, as haphazard, sloppy and vainglorious. This writer suspects it was his good looks and attention to strategic detail that tilted the balance in his favour.

Next game is set for Thursday, November 3 at 9:30.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

4-1 WIN!

Strawberries DeFlambayed (sp)
Game Report
October 24, 2005

After coming off a disappointing loss caused exclusively by ex Strawberry and connoisseur of women's fine linens, Gumby Pettigrew, the elder statesmen of the Canadore Rec. League pulled off an upset of brobdignagian proportions against a determined squad from outer Sturgeon Falls. The final score of 4-1 does not do justice to the 8 intrepid Strawberries who bothered to show up for the match at beautiful Pete Palangio Arena, home of the 120% Sugar Slurpy. The game proved to be a battle of youth versus wily veterans and their younger apprentices. Using a modified version of the trap play made famous in the 1952 international championship match between the Penticton Comets and those Stalinist pigs of the Leningradospostopol Potato Vodkas, the Strawbs carried the play most of the night, allowing very few chances for their opponents to score.
Magnesium Man Buchwald, recently cleared of all accusations brought against him by the brass at the Brass Rail, a Toronto eating and ballet establishment of no small repute, led the team in scoring, notching at least one goal which defied the laws of gravity, inertia and quantum physics. Butcher Brophey continued his bone head play by taking an unnecessary penalty with no one left on the bench and 5 minutes left to play. He claimed later, at a liquid debriefing, that all he was doing was protecting our goalie, Jesse The Leak. How attempting to carve out the spleen of a Sturgeon skater of the female persuasion trying to move the puck out of her own end constitutes "protecting our goalie" will be lost on any right thinking Strawberry or other lesser mortal for years to come.

It must be noted that the Strawberries Executive, while pleased the club was able to wrestle a victory from the jaws of defeat, was not a little incensed by the anemic turnout for the game. Dr. Thug Procunier, who unlike a couple of other of his absent counterparts, had the courtesy to advise the Executive of his probable no show, nevertheless attempted the bald face assertion that he would likely be unable to play against Sturgeon due to the lingering effects of a so called concussion suffered in the last Strawbs' match, about which no one is ever to speak again. If the bleeding concussion were so bad, how did he muster from his near death bed the energy and clearmindedness to announce his probable absence? The mind reels. The Strawbs continue their march to the Cup.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Strawberries Flambayed (sp)

Game day: October 20, 2005

On an evening when Glenn "No Knees No Go" Brophey excelled himself by scoring twice in the same period on a net other than his own, using a shot often described as anemic, the Strawberries managed to eke out a 7-5 loss against an Aviation Team loaded with over 100 players intent on beating the crap out of a legendary hockey institution.

The Strawbs put themselves into a jam by blowing a 5-3 lead with less than 3 minutes to play (and on a 7 minute power play to boot). This debacle rivals nothing in the annals of glorious Strawberries' history and shall remain a blot on the club's record for weeks to come. Ice Marshall Walpole placed the blame directly upon the shoulders of everyone but himself, having been self-confined to the bench during the last 3 minutes of play (upper body injury apparently).

"The defence just ran out gas and the darn forwards refused to cross inside their own blueline," lamented an unnamed member of the Strawbs' executive. "I place the blame squarely on the shoulders on those ridiculously lazy slugs". No forwards came forward to accept or to refute the accusation as they swigged post game scotch in a futile attempt to forget the past and forge a brighter future, a future which actually did materialize for those prescient enough to proceed thereafter to the "terminal tavern" of choice: the Bull & Quench, the team's home away from home.

Through a Guinness and whiskey induced fog, the Bull and Quench attending coterie of Strawbs decided to forgive all those present and to place the true blame squarely upon the slopping shoulders of Mike "Gumby" Pettigrew who, having previous refused to join the Strawbs for the 2005-2006 season, had the unmitigated gall to show up at the Bull and Quench and ask if he could take a seat at the Strawbs table. Because the executive was feeling magnanimous (the Guinness having kicked in), the erstwhile Benedict Arnold (recently stricken from the Strawbs highly esteemed K.S. Hall of Fame) was given permission to take a seat just outside the men's washroom but still within sight and hearing of the assembled Strawbs cabal. After all, it was his fault the Strawberries lost!

Monday, October 17, 2005

The Killer Strawberries eeked out a 10-1 win this past Thursday night against the "less than mighty" Ducks in the 1st game of the 2005-2006 season. Backstopped by Jesse's great goaltending, the Strawbs were able to finish their chances while the Ducks were not. As usual, post game lies were swapped at the "Terminal Tavern".
The Strawbs next game is on Thursday, October 20 at 9:30 against the Aviation Team.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Two Strawbs enjoy a pop while discussing "retirement".