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Friday, May 17, 2019

A Killer Strawberries Ditty

10 to 15 years ago, the Killer Strawberries had a good run and were almost undefeated. They played for the league championship 4 or 5 years in a row, winning twice. The following is a conglomerate mishmash of that time, which could ring true for any of the games played during that time.

Here’s a small tale of a Strawb’s game of shame
Which sums up the way they played every game
From battles of glory to being robbed as well
There’s no shortage of stories and lies to tell

Butcher Brophey brought a tear to my eye
As he speared his way to an early goodbye
Gawdawful Gumby kept singing the blues
Because, of course, Devono hadn’t a clue
Pajama Man went home to bed
He was tired of hooking, or so he said
The Vice, as it turns out, wasn’t in on the con
And before you knew it he was gone Dad gone
The Marquis de Save couldn’t save the game
It was too far gone, ain’t it a shame
Warren Peace showed up late
Gave it his all, till he got the gate
Mayor Maynot couldn’t decide
Go forward or back or keep shooting wide
Shiny Sean Brightly was all lit up
Incensed at the cross check from one young pup
Freight Train Laronde stayed right on track
Even and cool as was his knack
Slickery hickory-dickoried the ice
Felling everyone he thought didn’t act nice
Dr. Thug hooked, clutched and grabbed
Mauling the enemy till he too was nabbed
Mag Boy raced and foamed like a shook up can
He’s come a long way since Magnesium Man
The Ice Marshall’s wig was on straight and tight
Cautioning the transgressors as was his right

Now as some of the Strawbs have gone to seed
There’s a new batch causing their foes to bleed
Ripping through games like a team on a mission
They’re carrying on the Strawb’s fine tradition

Names of some other Killer Strawberries who have “gone to seed”

Harry Burton, Brian Anderson, Derek Viking Ericson, Amanda Bradford, Lori Springall, Karen, Lise Paxton, Serene Dean, Moses McLean, Snowtop O’Farrell, Devon Dirvish, Bing Crossbar, Tom Wagner, Dash Headlong, Fis-sure Man, Johnny -2-Good, Philly Cheesekates, Fis-T, Sarge, Archilies Perron, Jesse the Leak, Roy Cox, Smokey, John John John, Warney Richardson

Thursday, March 14, 2019

NinnyHammer Hockey

Still undefeated in regulation
(Record 11-0-1-1)

The Strawbs last 2 regular season outings were rough and tough clinchers.
Itis man's hockey out there, but it will be noted and further dwelled upon that the last two wins were delivered by a net minder self identified as a 5ft 1/2" tall cisgen female to be specific. First she played Double Trouble and handed them a loss. And the Cat came back for our pre playoff finale vs the Cry'n Hawaiians. The display of competitive rivalry between these two titans did not disappoint the onlookers and small gaggle of comfy designer pant wearing Strawbetts.  It was rough, sometimes dirty and most of the time verbally brutally.  Halfway through the first period the refs inserted ear plugs and insisted that small children be seated inside. In between plays, Turn-Around-Turner was seen jotting down some of the verbally smutty material on his mini 2x3 note pad.

None of that matters now that the Strawbs have finished in first place.  Katniss was in goal snagging sneaky snipes out of the air before they became bar down beauties. While the net was easy to defend she could not defend our rate of infractions and advised against anymore penalties.  With the net secured, the Strawbs could focus on the task at hand and break the curse of Lenny.  And with that the Sny'N Polynesians were defeated 6-4. Some would say 7-4, but the zebra's discounted an open net buzzer beater.

Neil Ha-trick Harris owned the crease netting at least 1 and maybe more. His Hat-trick could have been possible if not for the vision impairment caused by several layers of duct tape securing his helmet to his body in an attempt to prevent his bucket from being dislodged and thrown at Mag-boys kids again.
Slickery sniped one as well but then received a nasty gram cross check to the head followed later by slashing, body checks, deep lacerations to the hockey socks and plenty of lip action. With all the abuse, Slickery resided to passing and staying out of the mess or else completely go Champ on the Hawaiians. 
With his new mindset, he quickly became the play-maker feeding the puck to the team points leader and on-ice personal and financial help counselor, Turn-Around-Turner who topped the radar at 60km/h to score a tap in when 55km/h would have been sufficient.   Magboy was turning out smashes and hits faster than the Back Street Boys with the exception of their Christmas album.  Lanzy and Deeking Derek hammered the zone with speed and pressure often wearing out the Hawaiian's defense to the point where they crawled to their bench.

Dr. Thug owned the neutral zone.  In fact he recently closed on the sale of all land between the blue lines in all North Bay arenas, a purchase that required him to sell his estate with the exception of his wife and hockey equipment. According to the municipality, since he owns the land, he must provide his own Zamboni services for those portions of ice.  As a bonus, however, he can now legally thug anyone trespassing on his Iceland.  There is rumor that while inhabiting Iceland he may never be coming to the bench again... ever.

Our defensive goons received their fair share of penalties while holding the garrison around the blue paint. Defensive team goon Mayor Maynot, and the nicest referee you will ever meet, added to his impressive 22 penalty minutes on the season.  Shinny, desperate to keep the pineapples away, was seen delivering Costco size can openers so big that Butcher Brophey would think it was excessive. 
Ex-dough boy Foisy raised his voice so high that Elexa enabled devices picked up his voice commands. He too was sent to the box for engaging in rough play and verbal dysentery.  Shortly thereafter, Amazon delivered tiaras and feminine products to the Hawaiian's bench. The packages were quickly signed for. 

Not all Strawbs could make the triumphant trek to the Terminal Tavern, but of the nobel that did, 4 Buds, 2 Northern Superior, 1 Shock top, 3 water, 1 french fry, 5lbs of wings, 14 carrot sticks, 2 ranch dressings,  and a lot of smack talk were consumed.

(Minus any bread or gluten rich products)

Monday, November 05, 2018

The Landzy Land

(Record 1-0-1)

The Riley/Landzy trade is topping the news feeds. The Strawbs acquired a first round pick and signed Landzy to a $50, 4 year contract with the Killer Strawberries. He has 4 years to give the executive 50 bucks.  In the same trade the Strawbs sent burned out has-been rookie past-sensation, Riley Redfur, to the Nasty Cupcakes Sudbury's farm team where his duties include jockstrap repairing and mouth guard cleaning.  The quality of hockey is so poor with the Sudbury farm team that Redfur has been driving back to North Bay on Sundays just for the privilege to play shiny with a few Strawbs.  He is in awe of their caliber of hockey even when they've taken 90% off their game and play one handed.

The Strawbs have played 2 match-ups so far in the 2018-19 season.
First the Flying Hawaiians were taken down in a 4-3 final ending in a shootout.
There were only 7 battle ready skaters able to make the match.  By the second period there were only 6 left for which to scrap with the pineapple huggers. Magboy, covering for the several missing defense,  incurred 3 game infractions to earn him a seat in the stands. It is no surprise that fake referees targeted Mags, especially one particularly short zebra.  From Magboy's new vantage point, the stands, he could observe and evaluate the old and new talent's abilities to handle the current situation of trailing by 2 goals, contending with a short bench and missing their best player.  

In typical Strawbs fashion, we gave up the lead early.  It usually takes until the second period for the glucosamine pills to fully absorb and then the offense kicks in.  Of notable mention was the play making of our top offensive defense-man Wendel who wired a wicked wild wrist'r within the wickets to whoa the witnesses watching while Lenny wept.

By the last minute of play the Strawbs tied the game and forced a shootout to the bewilderment of the Hawaiians who by now had crude oil soaked wings and were about as helpless as a 1 legged senile chicken ridden with botulism (Moose takeout).

5 rounds of sudden death shots later and the Strawbs retired the evening undefeated in a 4-3 win.

The Strawbs had a full bench in their next match against the Boozers. All rusty cylinders were firing, and the match went back in forth with scoring. Magboy was well behaved, no sin bin trips, saving his energy to be the offensive catalyst of play making for the top Turnaround and Slickery executive power line.

The second scoring line of Landzy, Thug, Roussy and Hatrick Harris enjoyed their on ice admission to Landzy Land.   The Landzy Land, known as an event, is also a location situated anywhere between the opponent's goal line and Landzy's stick, when he has the puck.   As the Hawaiians and the Boozers have found out, they didn't have a ticket to Landzy land as the new rookie lit up the red light on a few dandy occasions.

Turneraround and the Mayor had tripped and misapplied their strengths on so many Boozettes during the match that there was bench talk about a Me-too movement.   It never materialized as all parties involved agreed that their behaviour paled in comparison to how Philly Cheese Skates treated the fairer gender.  

The score at the end of the 40 ish minutes was 4-4.  Too bad Freight Train Laronde had retired his rail road tie hands long ago or that would have meant post game pitchers for everyone at the expense of the legendary steamer.
With no promise of free fermented barley water, no one gathered at the terminal tavern. Not even the Thug. 

Saturday, February 24, 2018

Push the Bannock Button: Strawbs Slaughterize Otter Eyes in Revenge Match Gone Awry

Feb. 19 2018

Strawbs vs Bannock Bums 4-1

 Push the Bannock Button: Strawbs Slaughterize Otter Eyes in Revenge Match Gone Awry

The pregame looked as precarious as Lenny’s snaggleteeth, as the Strawbs’ kryptonite meandered into the unsuspecting changeroom spewing lies, saliva and insults. The “Lenny Curse” was deemed “cursory” if anything, when the Strawberries overcame a Gumby-esque first frame. Speaking of the alumnus, fans and pundits mused whether he was in fact absent, or as present as usual on the mild Thursday night semi-final.

Turner and Buchwald joined up to form Buchwald Turner Overdrive as they continued to take care of business in the playoffs.

Shiny Sean Brightly, rowdy Roussey rallied and Neil Hat Trick Harris bagged a goal enroute to a 4-1 humbling of the Bannock Bums. Wendal, Ewart terrific

Championship do or die on March 5th. You can buy the seat, but you’ll only use the edge!

Tuesday, January 09, 2018

Ruffled Feathers

Jan. 7 2018
Undefeated in 2018
(Record 4-2-0)

Strawbs vs Pillow Throwers

Did we win the game? 10-4

The shots were just about 50 to 10 for the frustrated pile of yellow stained Pillows who were playing with a non existent bench.
With no spares, their only break was time off served by earning the numerous penalties due to aggression toward the Strawbs executive Magboy, a stay at home forward who can instantly accelerate past the whole team in half the strides a cheetah takes to reach maximum speed.  Typically the Mag deserves a little 2 by 4 to the mask, shines and lower thoracic, but their last act of malice was an open ice Body Pillow to the streaking Magboy. What the Pillow snuffers lack is respect.  Unfortunately, it is not mandatory prior to Rec league signup, to read the 800 pages of vade mecums as transcribed in HTML, CSS and some bullshit and better known as Save for the Ice Marshal's Heidegger like posts, the rest of the blog evokes religiosity in our foes and is known to instill a certain respect toward the legend of the Killer Strawberries and their current active, potent but modest members. Such reading aught to be enough to avert such on ice warmongering.

Slickery, still adjusting to his new storm trooper bucket, was seen dropping bar down bombs on poor Lenny.  This is no doubt a practice run for our next game against Lenny's for real team, the Flying Hawaiians in which we must break the curse of Lenny for real this time.

Turnanator II, new and improved from his rookie year and sporting a new poly metal alloy rib, has said hasta la vista to his defensive role in a trade for a big cheese goal scorer. The Executive moved him up to a forward because he was always putting the other forwards offside and/or spending too much time dangling behind the opposing team's net.   According to his fit-bit's post game exercise summary, each goal burned 100 calories, and he traveled 7.4 kilometers during the game. On one particular goal his fitbit recorded this redonkulous GPS route through the opposing team and en route to his eventual record breaking slowest 4th-trick on record.  TII's farcical displays are now property of Apple Inc. and saved in the cloud somewhere.... Pillow Cloud?

It would seem like decent odds that we would pull off a win with 7 against 5 if the shots were about even. They indeed were not. The Pillow Throwers tossed everything they had at the amazing Kevin Quick Picks, also amazing at pro-line. If not for him the game may very well have ended much closer, say 12-3.  At times he was marionette like resembling Marty Brodeur in the Enterprise commercial with his head still and appendages downing shots and snuffing out any of the chance of the Pillows returning to the face off circle on their terms. By the end of the 40 it was just Pillow Talk, and the Strawbs were undefeated in 2018. 

The rest of the tired old heap held their own. Nothing was consumed. The team dispersed as it was too late for any rendezvous anywhere other than with our favorite rectangular cloth bag stuffed with feathers.

Friday, March 24, 2017

B-Champs B-line and 2016-17 Closer

Regulation Record 11-9-0
Playoff 5-1

This is the first time I can recall a back to back B Champ season which is trending toward becoming a beer league dynasty for the Strawbs.  Some of this year's success can be attributed to the voluntary displacement of several arthritis ridden metacarpals.  While carpal creativeness isn't a requirement and is seldom rewarded, some ability to maintain digit diversity and at least some tarsal attentiveness contributes to a joint effort and an end product that is worth more than the sum of its arthritic parts.  I don't know how else to articulate that.

The final game was a battle from the start.  The Strawbs gained a 3-0 lead early and then were forced to defend.  Jesse started us off, then 68 years' worth of the talented Dr. Thug took over.  Marquis and the whole defensive unit were tough and effective.  Last but not least was the fury of Foisy.  It came down to the wire.  It was a 3-2 Strawbs' advantage, but with 6 Boozers on 5 Strawbs and with 7 seconds left, a crease melee ensued.  Bodies and fists were flying, Rossey and Turnaround were diving all over the place, Slicker was hacking, Jesse was politely suggesting an alternative means of expressing aggressiveness, and the Marquis was flailing like a beached whale trying to locate the puck.  Astonishingly the puck stayed out.  The head zebra emerged from the pile with 2 head strong 'Boozers refusing to be losers' under his armpits like Dad walking his 2 juvenile sons from the principal's office to the car.  The game ended with those lucky seconds on the clock.  Immediately the Strawbs, taking their second in a row Consolation Championship, lined up for the team photo.

Rewind 5 months.  For this 2016-17 season, the executives invited 4 Newberries to the team: Stashery(Jessy), Roussy, Turnaround and Foisy.  Roussy and Turnaround quickly became the team's goons.  Having watched Badmoms and read several decade old Strawbs' blog posts, the duo quickly realized that the skates of the likes of Butcher Brophey had been unfilled for quite some time. The legends of the Butcher had made an impact on the naive impressionable Strawbs.  One such legend of toughness was when the Butcher gnawed off half his own ass to streamline his body for more speed, a speed which he used to hip check his opponents into the rafters.  The Butcher was known to have traces of spleen and kidneys on the blade of his stick.  As everyone knows he never unpacked or washed his equipment or chainmail.  The blood and body parts stuck to his jersey, pants and helmet were a constant reminder to his foes that when you mess with the Butcher, you get treated like a cadaver.  Dr. Thug once reported that the Butcher's equipment might carry e-coli; so in 2004, Canadore instituted a full face mask rule so that players' mouths would not come into contact with the Butcher's equipment.

Anyway, our new goons took their rightful place and began their own campaign of collecting enemy body parts, blood alcohol levels and stool.  They also notched many noteworthy goals and contended for the rookie of the year title.  They will be permitted to attend the Nasty Cupcakes' training camp next season.

Foisy quickly become the team's pace setter by speeding up the Thug but slowing down the Magboy in order to pace the game out so there was enough effort left for a full 40 minutes.  It wasn't until his late discovery of a gluten allergy that his game really picked up.  Prior to his gastro-epiphany, Foisy enjoyed a life ruled by wheat.  From his pre-game loaf of bread to his second period vegemite sandwich, he never complained that his belly was sore or that his neck rash hurt.  It also explains why most of his shots were in the breadbasket.  But since his gluten detox, Foisy has quickly become the most improved player. Now his only regret is the dough he wasted on his customized Strawbs Jersey. 

The most notable new addition to the team was Stashery (Jesse).  In over 20 games he failed to take one penalty.  He must either be on a steady prescription of Zoloft or have an incredible ability to ignore annoying whiny millennials.  His concentration was scoring because he notched the most rookie goals which has earned him the ROTY trophy.  He is also welcome to join the Nasty Cupcakes for the September training camp.

Special thanks to the Ice Marshal, G.A.W.D., the Butcher and the Vice for their playoff support. Lets not forget the Strawbettes that came out either.

After the glorious finish, photo shoot, autograph session and impromptu chest tattooing, the Strawbs convened at the Wacky tavern, sat on their thrones and consumed 10 jugs of fresh spigotted ale, 18 juvenile chickens, 3 free appetizers, 1 water vodka and several bottles of glucosamine pills.

Friday, February 03, 2017

Savory Peppercorn Victory Sauce

Jan. 26-Feb. 2, 2017
4 Win Streak
(Record 10-9-0)

You can age a steak for months in the right conditions, but you leave the milk on the table one night and you will be eating your cereal dry.  Aging and conditioning (decades of it)  has proven to be the combination needed to take down the top A division teams.  Every Strawb is firing on all steam pistons. Every play is planned, even the ones where the opponent scores.  Every shot, pass, check, swear word now carefully executed so the Strawbs can crush the top crust teams while coasting into the playoffs in comfortable beer league fashion and still land in the B seed.  

First it was the Chiefs whose on ice council meeting failed to unanimously vote in a winning effort.  Then the under-age beer leagueing Jager Bombers suffered a sobering loss. Their stomachs were later pumped due to Kool-aid poisoning.  OH YA.  Who can forget about last night's pathetic gaggle of geese whose pecking and puck quaking was no match for Killer Strawberry Grade-A steak style hockey grilled to perfection.  The newly branded Puck Hogs (Free Agents) played with passion, but ... if not for fear of tetanus from their rusted out skate blades, the score might have been much higher against.  Perhaps given 10-20 more free penalty shots, the outcome may have been different.

Putting aside all that, there is the magnificent executive scoring talent and boastful offensive defense portfolio put together by the Mayor, the Rousey and the Shinny, and did I mention the gratuitous skill and speed from the Strawbs executive Magboy, Shinny and Slickery?  

Again putting that all aside, Dr Thug's skill has been peaking like a pressure cooker releasing its fragrance and overboosting release of scoring celebrating plenitude.  

Wallee the Rookee of the Year is blowing the zamboni doors off each night with his Tyson Degrasse speed and his shark like blood thirst for red posts.  

Turn Around Turner's run for Rookie of the Year isn't over either. His pacifistic enforcement style and robust ability to lay down from line to line, block shots, poke pucks to thwart offence has earned him the unofficial, yet to be popularized moniker of the Turnernator for his Turner style termination of the opponent's offensive chances.   When Joe-so-Rousey takes a "hasta la vista" on his defense partner, you know what Turnernator will say, "I'll be BACK... here".  He has also been overheard supporting his fellow opponents who happen to be enrolled and heavily reliant on assistance such as The Income Assistance Program and Employment Insurance. Thanks for your support.

Both Marquis de Save and Joey Laporte et Fermé (never defeated) have literally shut the doors on the league's former best better teams. 

With only 2 games left until the split, the Strawbs look to defeat the Slingers and the Flying Hawaiians whom we have never beaten before.  

The team convened several times at the usual watering hole.  3 Stellas, 2 Bud, 2 Northern ale,  a basket of strange beige things, 15 chicken parts and 1 lemon slice were consumed. The team card earned 83 points and NO! Phil did not show up in the second washroom stall at 11:15 Sharp on Mon. Jan 30 for manly discussions over best Strawberry penalties ever.

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Drawing the Venetians closed

Jan 16 2017
Flying Hawaiians 4 Strawbs 2
(Record 6-8-0)

Marques de Save's return from last week's backwash meant a fighting chance to clip the wings of the flapping Hawaiians.  The Strawbs settled in with great chances and adequate defensive efforts.  The two lines (nice to have) picked away at broken down Baker, but his record speaks to his success; and failing to capitalize on our chances by some strange un-luck further points to the presence of an outstanding curse.  The veterans Pyjama Man and Slickery were able to temporarily snap the curse's hold on the entire game by finding the mesh and earning a goal apiece.  And the Marque was able to deny the flappers on several chances which should have been sure goals.  Our 2 fans gave him standing O's for his illegal acts of grand theft.  The larcenies were so grand that the victim has since taken out insurance on his shots.  But despite the efforts, the additional curse of the blind zebroids (what you get when you mix a zebra and a donkey)  really played a hand in this hard fought loss.  And if you were there, you make up the 99.99% that knew that wasn't a goal.  It is evident how the balance of power is upset by outside forces that should attempt to remain neutral.

Open your blinds man; you are killing the game.

Monday, November 28, 2016


Every now and then he gets a little bit stronger
and his skating ability can be found

Every now and then he gets a little bit tired
Of picking himself up off the ground

Every now and then he gets a little bit nervous
That the best of all the years have gone by

Every now and then he gets a little bit terrified
When he sees the look in Devuono’s eyes

Turnaround (Turn-er),
Until we get to ‘B’ division
Fall apart

Turnaround (Turn-er),
Until we get to ‘B’ division
Fall apart

And we need you now tonight
We facken’ need you more than ever
And if you’re not there the lines will be tight
Even if you’re under the weather

Not only will you make it right
We’ll be playing hockey….
….together we can take it to the end of the year
Despite your real skill being drinking Wacky Wing’s beer….

We don’t know what to do,
That includes offense, defense and Mark
We’re playing like garbage, without any sparks

We really need you tonight
Forever’s gonna start tonight
Forever’s gonna start tonight

Once upon a time we were playing in ‘A’
Now we’re only falling apart
There’s nothing we can do
When we play with a bunch of old farts

Once upon a time there was a goal light installed
Now when they score it’s just dark.
Nothing we can do
When the gear is set to park

--Marquis de save