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Thursday, November 26, 2009

Mr. Obnoxious Gets Double Whammied

Game Report
November 23, 2009
Killer Strawberries 6 Aviation Panthers 0

Last night, the Killer Strawberries, with nary a player missing physically, played host to Mr. Obnoxious and his band of unmerry men at the beautiful Pete Palangio Arenas. Much to the delight of all the fan (1) in attendance, Mr. Obnoxious was handed his butt as the filling in a large helping of humble pie, as the Strawbs cruised to a 6-0 victory over the Aviation Panthers. Except for Mr. O and one other meathead, Mr. Big Meathead, the Panthers are a fun team to play. They frequently tested the Strawbs’ defensive skills and Monsieur Le Plug had to be on his game to record his second shutout of the season.

Whoa.horny Richardson recorded his first goal as a forward and was so delighted with himself that spent the rest of the match doing SFA. Dr. Thug, the ancientest (ie most ancient) and venerable-est (ie most venerable) statesman of the Canadore Intramural Hockey League, continued his torrid scoring pace, notching 2 markers on the evening. Bing! Crossbar was also quite productive and will be allowed, based on his performance in the first half of the season, to attend the upcoming Strawbs’ Christmas Soiree and Stilletto Exhibition in the company of his grandmother, who, oddly enough, is younger than most of the players on the team.

As noted above, Mr. Obnoxious was whammied once on the frozen pond. According to unconfirmed sources, he got whammied again post game. Apparently, he got home a little early, only to find his best friend wearing his favourite housecoat and his wife wanting to leave him. The Strawbs’ condolences go out to his best friend.

After the game, many a Strawb and the team’s leading fan jammed themselves into their usual corner at the Terminal Tavren. It was there that Dr. Thug made 2 startling announcements. The squad was uneasily anticipating some unwanted news about his imminent retirement but, alas, they were mistaken. Dr. Thug, a man who knows more about the minutae of minutae than anyone, ever, let it be known to the team that, henceforth, he will be dedicating himself to cornering the “Cosmic Loose Electron Market.” According to the mad scientist, the universe will soon run out of uncommitted electrons. Most of the negative charges on earth are now bound up in hard drives, wireless conduits and other forms of permanent electron slavery. “I have calculated that they are only 10 11 gadzillion ( a really big number) electrons in the universe, with only a small amount of that within the earth and its gravitational confines” he declared. “Of that small number, most have been corralled to run our electronic devices such as computers, TVs, cameras and remote controlled vibrators. I have figured out how to capture the uncommitted electrons by using my soon-to-be patented ELECTRON AGGLOMERATOR II. As the electron shortage becomes severe, I will offer to sell the charged particles in my control at monopolistic prices. I will be fabulously wealthy and I will live forever.”

As might be expected, the assembled Strawbs were agog with dumbfoundedness. “How will you live forever?” queried one of the stunned listeners. “It has worked so far, hasn’t it?” replied the soon-to-be patent holder. As Dr. Thug left the table briefly to discard some liquid electrons, the conversation turned to his ancientness and to the effects of his having consumed, since the age of twelve, way too many beers out of aluminum cans. Guesses were made as to his true age. None of the guesses were anywhere near the age proclaimed on the stone birth certificate he carries in his tattered wallet.

4 Stella, 6 Guinness, 5 Black and Tan, 1 bass, 2 Bud, 17 Keiths White (none in aluminum cans), a loaf of cheese bread, 2 plates of fries and 1045000 free electrons were consumed.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Monsieur Le Plug Meets The Leak-Both Impressed

Game Report
November 19, 2009
Killer Strawberries 8 ALU Warriors 2

Things did do not look good as the Zamboni was finishing its surface polishing just outside the Strawbs dressing room. Shiny was still in Las Vegas blowing his wife’s mad money on the nickel slots. Dr. Thug was in Ottawa writing the MCAT for Prince Richard. Gawdawful Gumby was chasing shiny pennies with another hockey squad who would have him. Pyjama Man had notified the team at the last match that he would be absent this evening because of a conflicting home visit by CAS. Bing! Crossbar was reported to be doing homework at the Canadore pub in the company of three sirens from his hometown. What was left in the dressing, while of the highest quality, was sadly deficient in numbers.
Fortunately, the Leak, who toils in Sudbury for the Canadian Taliban (ie Revenue and Corrections Canada), made a surprise guest appearance, complete with a set of hockey equipment he had purloined from a peewee team located just down the hall from the Strawbs’ dressing room. But alas and fortunately, just before the puck dropped, Pyjama Man showed up with Bing!, ready to do battle.

The Leak took little time to get himself onto the scoreboard. With all the grace of a wounded deer on dull skates, he swooped in on a loose puck and promptly slammed it into the yawning cage. By thus scoring, he became the all-time Killer Strawberries leader in average goals per game. He coasted on his new found laurels for the rest of the game, refusing to enter his defensive zone as retribution to his old team for having repeatedly done the same to him during his tenure as the Strawbs’ #1, #2 and #3 netminder in seasons past.

Bing! Crossbar, his sperm count at an all time low, showed surprising vigour. He tallied 4 times during the game, with all of the tallies deposited into the appropriate net. “My girlfriends really got me up for the game,” he told the boys in the shower following the game. “Maybe you elder statesmen should try it sometime.” As the Vice rightly pointed out, Bing! is not married.

The team was quite astonished to see Pyjama Man make an appearance. He advised the Strawbs after the match that the meeting with CAS had gone well and that, to celebrate his sliding off the hook for now, he had duct-taped his children to chairs in front of the TV while he sped away to play hockey. “They love the Princess Bride,” he said. “And I gave them snacks too!”

While the Killer Strawberries were worthy winners on the night, Whoa.Horny Richardson’s contribution was positively Scroogian, Stoogian and stinky. Like the Vice in the previous match, he too chose to ignore the laws of physics and basic atom hockey. With all the willful blindness of a bored eunuch in a fat pasha’s harem, he attempted a floater pass through 5 Warriors positioned like a brick wall in front of the Strawbs' net. Needless to say (but it will be said anyway), the puck barely made half of the journey Whoa.Horny had intended for it and was quickly slid past a startled Monsieur Le Plug. To that point, Le Plug had stood on his head, stymieing wave after wave of the speedy Warrior offence, which offence seemed to cast some kind of spell on the Strawbs’ langorous defence. Le Plug faced more 2 and 3 man breakways than The Leak ever did when Butcher Brophey was around to delimb any player stupid enough to get with the reach of his scalpel, er hockey stick.

The game ended in a score of 8-2. The Strawbs then re-convened at the Terminal Tavren to go over the positives and negatives on the evening. The Leak’s scoring prowess was feted, Le Plug’s patience admired, Crossbar’s youth rued with green-eyed jealousy, Pyjama Man’s resourcefulness remarked upon in cosmic terms, and Whoa.Horny’s mental lapse recalled with all the fondness of a first year college encounter with a stubborn venereal disease.

2 jugs of water, 2 Bass, 2 Keiths, 2 Guinness, 2 Stella, 2 Canadian and many Leakian memories of defensive miscues were consumed.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Strawbs’ Zoloftian Defence Fails To Trigger A Loss

Game Report
November 12, 2009
Killer Strawberries 6 BodyCzechs 3

It almost appeared to be done on purpose. In last night’s match against the BodyCzechs, the Killer Strawberries managed to pull out a victory despite the defence’s somnabulent performance. Even the fans could be heard grumbling vociferously throughout the game, displeased that their sometimes-cherished defenders treated the puck as if it were infected with a new mutation of H1N1.

On one particularly galling play, Sir Gumby, with 4 opponents circling in the 3 feet between himself and a disoriented Vice Ice Marshal, decided to attempt a nifty little cross ice pass to his partner. To his utter amazement, the pass was picked off and the 4 BodyCzechs proceeded, unimpeded, to barrel down upon an astonished and disgruntled Monsieur Le Plug. The BodyCzechs did not managed to score on the play as the Plug kicked out shot after shot for the whole 3 minutes he was left alone to fend for himself. After the original errant pass from Gumby, Gumby and his defence partner had decided to go the bench for a well deserved rest while the forwards, MagBoy, Crossbar, and Dr. Thug, did the same. Those on the bench failed to notice the poor line change and continued playing out their bridge hands, much to Monsieur Le Plug’s chagrin. It was learned by management after the game, that Archilles Perron had spiked the water bottles with his stash of Zoloft in an effort to spark team unity. “I thought we could use a little more mellow” he was quoted as saying in the post game presser. Nice idea….bad execution.

Pyjama Man, armed with a new left-handed stick he found in his neighbour’s back yard during his evening tom-catting, was not a factor in the game. He had played better in the previous game when, having broken his favourite stick “Rosebud”, he was forced to use a janitor’s broom.

Freight Train Laronde, celebrating his 51th birthday and sober for the first time since the acquisition of his newly minted PhD on November 12, showed up to the game without his jock. A collection was taken in the dressing room. Since there was not enough collected to get him bus fare to his house and back, he took the donations upstairs and purchased the only athletic supporter available, a PeeWee NutGuard 2X. The equipment, though a little large, was adequate for the purpose and Laronde made it through the game physically unscathed.

Fortunately, the forwards played well enough to ensure the 6-3 victory. Feeling magnanimous, they invited the defence and goalie to join them at the Terminal Tavren following the game. The 2 fans, Bootsey MagGirl and Loan Jones tagged along, in the hope that one of the team’s gentlemen would buy them a drink. Good thing they had brought their own money. At the watering hole Dr. Thug, upon learning that there was a Biology graduate from Waterloo on the premises, promptly sought him out and, for 3 hours, waxed eloquent on vector movements, Amirase and Mutase, and on H1N1 variants, H2N2, H2N3 and H2So4. The grad left exhausted and severely chastised for his ignorance.
4 Stella, 2 Appletinis, 1 glass of water, 5 Guinness, 4 Bass, 2.5 Keith’s, 1 Kilkenny, 1 large fry, 2 pounds of chicken wings and tales of Zoloftian insouciance were consumed.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Newton’s Laws Doubted and Flouted. Vice Pays The Price.

Strawbs Still Win.

Strawbs 5 Aviation Panthers 1

Game Report

November 12, 2009

With Whoa.horny busy brewing nitro in his basement lab without the knowledge or consent of his much younger wife, Christmas Carol, with Shiny blowing his kids’ RESPs in Las Vegas, with Warrin’ Peace self-pulled from the lineup to answer an ovulation window of opportunity and with Freight Train nursing an early evening hangover caused by the recent granting to him of a PhD or its ilk, the Strawbs found themselves shorthanded on the evening.

Archilles Perron was pressed into emergency service on defence, and, armoured with a perfect Zoloftian insouciance, led the team in defence. It was as if he had, all these years, been misplaced as a forward. He filled the many gaping pores left by his defence mates and was instrumental in keeping the opposition’s tallying to a single marker. That marker was the only blot a game well played by Monsieur Le Plug. The strange thing was the shot which crossed the goal line was no harder that anything Gumby or the Vice could launch with the best tail wind.
Speaking of the Vice, it should be noted that the Executive is beginning to wonder more worrifully about his on ice judgment. On one play, he was the last man back in precarious possession of the puck. An Aviation Panther, stumbling about on bob skates, approached him in a wobbly manner. The Vice seemed to be under the impression that he could easily flip the puck through the attacker’s chest, and, to everyone’s amazement proceeded to attempt the ill-advised manoeuvre. As the puck bounced off the opponent’s chest and landed in perfect position for the wobbler to head in alone on goal, the Vice looked positively perplexed at the unfairness of the universe. It won’t be his last encounter with bad judgment, the laws of physics and a cruel world.

It would appear that year’s of Strawbs’ coaching has finally sunk in for MagBoy. He played an excellent game. He corralled his unbridled enthusiasm, showed restraint in difficult situations and by and large stayed in the areas for which he was responsible. And that was at home at supper. He displayed similar behavior on ice.
Dr. Thug continued in his vocal leadership role by scaring the BeeJeezus out of the opposition’s netminder with his ear piecing “YAAAAAAAA!” every time the Strawbs scored. You cannot get better cheerleading.

The Strawbs continued to break attendance records. Loans Jones showed up to play with her Blackberry in the stands as her current boyfriend, the never early Pyjama man toiled expertly on ice. With Ms. Jones in attendance, it marked the third straight game that the Killer Strawberries were lavished with fan attention.
After the game, the fan and her Strawberrian entourage re-assembled at the Terminal Tavren to toast victory and the elevation of Freight train Laronde to the lofty heights of PiledHighandDeeperdom.

6 Stella, 4 Guinness, 2 Bass, 3 Kilkenny, 2 Keith’s White, 2 jugs(of water), 2 baskets on low cal fries and some lessons on the laws of physics were consumed.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Whoa.horny Saddles Up

Killer Strawberries 6 Free Agents 1
Game Report
November 9, 2009

After an absence of 1 year and 4 games, Whoa.horny Richardson, Pembroke’s Boy Wonder Of The Year in 1923, finally found the time to partially saddle up for the Killer Strawberries in their match last evening against a quick but somewhat disorganized Free Agent squad. The phrase “partially saddle up” is a propos, given that the creaky defenceman showed up to the game with everything he needed to weave his magic, except for his gloves, helmet, jock and skate laces. The lack of a helmet is understandable. As a youth, he played helmetless and has the neuron damage to prove it. But forgetting a jock: wow!

Whoa.horny managed somehow to muster up a minimal amount of equipment in time to start the match. The Strawbs couldn’t tell what was rustier…the skates Whoa.horny put away wet in 2008 or his game. For the first period, he wobbled about like Gumby at his 50th birthday party. His stick slipped frequently from his hands, he tripped over every painted surface on the ice and he applied so much nitro to his chest between shifts that we were sure the arena was going to explode. By Gawd, it was sure good to have him back.

Warrin’ Peace keep his career high 3 game scoring streak alive with some vivacious and deft work. Freight Train potted 2 markers. It should be noted here that he will be missing the next game, as he will be playing defence elsewhere. He will be in Toronto trying to explain to his doctoral thesis. His thesis sounds fascinating, a must read for insomniacs and masochists alike: “The Cross-Cultural Ramifications of Sub-Lingual Computer-Mediated Education in Non-Aligned JK Classes: A Retrospective Analysis”. Can’t wait for the paperback version.

Pyjama Man, fighting the flu, the cops and Revenue Canada, played a magnificent game using a stick designed for someone 3 feet taller, right handed and a lot smarter. He still managed to outscore the goalie, the defence corps and a forward whose name will not be mentioned because it would embarrass Dr. Thug.

Nevertheless, the Strawbs put in a strong performance and were worthy of victory. After the game, which started at 11pm, the players assembled for a tail gate party in the parking lot of the Pete Palangio Arenas. Some cold beer was rummaged from who knows where and the boys spent quite a bit of time going over the match and other events which had occurred since the last encounter. Bing! Crossbar was slagged for missing his second game in a row because he could not get a note from his Mom to stay up past midnight. Gumby was effusively praised for his well thought out proposals for the new Strawbs’ jersey. Everyone was in agreement that adding a shoulder pocket for smokes, inhalers, nitro and other paraphernalia was a stroke of brilliance. The Vice informed the assembled that his enamoratta, the redoubtable Madame LaChaise, aka The Field Marsha, will, in June next year, be receiving an Honourary Degree from Aloha Baby University. The odds in Vegas against anyone associated with the Killer Strawberries ever getting honoured for anything have been so prohibitive that extra zeros have had to be ordered from some alternate universes to complete the posted odds. Congratulations Field Marsha and screw you for raising the bar on us.

6 cold, cold Harp, 4 Coors Lite, 12 big Busch and some warm reflected glow of lifetime achievement were consumed.

Monday, November 09, 2009

Dr. Thug Infects Teammates-Leads Strawbs To Victory

Killer Strawberries 8 Aviation Panthers 2
Game Report
November 5, 2009

After having fought off H1N1, bronchitis, syphilis and halitosis over the past 6 weeks, Dr. Thug returned triumphantly to lead his beloved Strawbs to an 8-2 victory over a penalty prone squadron of Aviation Panthers. Although he looked, at times, a little wobbly and short of breath, he managed to complete most of his 5 minute shifts and may even have scored a goal or two. His return inspired his teammates to turn it up a notch and was personally responsible for getting Warrin’ Peace to continue the only torrid scoring pace of his less than illustrious career.
Pyjama Man was also back in the lineup and, despite being stopped by the cops on the way to the match, got suited up in time to make an appearance by the mid mark of the first period. Although clearly not at his best, he still led the team in scoring. As a bonus, he surreptitiously passed on the H1N1 bug to Mr. Obnoxious, the Aviation defenceman so thoroughly despised by the Strawbs that they have his picture on the bull’s eye of the dartboard in the Garage of Bad Ideas.
The Plug, or as he is known to his adoring Francophone fans, Le Plug, played exceedingly well in his fourth game of the day. Just before the Strawbs’ game, he had just completed his third match in a one day tournament hosted by Canadore College. T o take a little pressure off his shoulders, the Executive moved Freight Train Laronde back to D to help cover up the team’s evident weakness on the blue line. The move obviously worked, as the D limited the opposition to a mere 4 breakaways on the night.
Absences continue to plague the squad. Whoahorny Richardson has yet to suit up, citing “personal mental issues” as his lame excuse. Bing! Crossbar was also nowhere to be seen. It is doubtful that it was homework that got in his way.
Following the game, the ream reassembled at the Terminal Tavren to unlax and to probe the pressing issues of the day. Much time was spent speculating on the quantity of plastic embedded in Pamela Anderson as well as soon less important topics. Dr. Thug’s and PJM’s return were duly toasted, Butcher Brophey duly roasted, compliments exchanged and vituperative epithets aimed at Mr. Obnoxious were launched.
6 Guinness, 7 Keiths, 2 Kilkenny, 4 Bass, 3 pounds of chicken wings (double deep fried) and second hand H1N1 antigens were consumed.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Warrin Gets Scorin’

Game report
November 2, 2009
Killer Strawberries 6 Body Czechs 1

After 6 months of self-imposed hibernation in the sweat lodge on the edge of Aloha Baby Compound from April to September, 2009 followed by 3 games of free floating, mindless wandering about the frozen pond at Pete Palangio Arenas, Warrin’ Peace finally showed up in grand style for a match against the cancelled Czechs. Playing on one of his offwings, he combined flawlessly with a gritty Magboy and a speedy Bing! Crossbar to score 3 first period beauties using the new half-slapper/changeup/knuckler shot he developed earlier this week in his Garage of Bad Ideas. It was about time as management was wondering whether his Hawaiian lethargy was a long term problem to be cured by a stint with the team’s farm team’s farm team, the Butthole Bottom Feeders. It is hoped Mr. Peace will continue his torrid pace. Apparently and fortunately for the team, certain favours he receives at home are dependent upon his future on-ice production.

Bing! Crossbar was also a force to be reckoned with on the night. His passing has been coming along nicely to complement his fast paced game. He appears to be another in a fine series of excellent draft picks by the astute Executive and he may someday acend to the lofty heights of the first line.

Shiny Sean was pressed into forward servive for the evening. Since he was already familiar with every inch of the opposition’s zone, including the office area directly behind the othe team's net, he was a natural in the new, albeit temporary,position. With team orders to reduce from his diet the vast numbers of double bacon cheeseburgers smothered in Extra Fat Mayonnaise he voraciously consumes daily , he might be able to turn his offensive game up a notch and thus be allowed again someday to center the swift Archilles and incredibly handsome Ice Marshal with whom he skated effectively last night.

The defence (Freight Train, the Vice and Gawdawful Gumby at his near gawdafullest) was rather a disappointment but that was to be expected given their advanced ages, surly attitudes and less than optimal off-ice lifestyles. A little more effort could have prevented the Czech’s only goal with 14 seconds remaining in the game, resulting the loss of a shutout for the Plug, who otherwise played very well behind a squishy D.

It should be noted that fan attendance was at a season high of 2, with Bootsey MagGirl and the Field Marsha offering encouragement to their team and well placed barbs aimed at the refereeing abomination known as His DeVuononess.
Post game most of the players and all the fans adjourned to the Terminal Tavren (yes, Tavren) for some game analysis and well deserved sarsaparillas. Shiny unveiled his unauthorized design for a the new team jersey that looked busier than Miss White Go Go Boots at a Shriners convention. Many changes were proposed and summarily dismissed by Mr. Shiny.

2 appletinis (one with too much ice in it for the picky Bootsey who looked resplendent in her red squirrel fur vest complete with dry cleaning tag from 1999), 6 Bass, 2 Keiths White, 6 Guinness, 5 Stella, 1 Gatorade, 1 Bud and some dubious design advice were consumed.