Strawbs’ Zoloftian Defence Fails To Trigger A Loss

Game Report
November 12, 2009
Killer Strawberries 6 BodyCzechs 3

It almost appeared to be done on purpose. In last night’s match against the BodyCzechs, the Killer Strawberries managed to pull out a victory despite the defence’s somnabulent performance. Even the fans could be heard grumbling vociferously throughout the game, displeased that their sometimes-cherished defenders treated the puck as if it were infected with a new mutation of H1N1.

On one particularly galling play, Sir Gumby, with 4 opponents circling in the 3 feet between himself and a disoriented Vice Ice Marshal, decided to attempt a nifty little cross ice pass to his partner. To his utter amazement, the pass was picked off and the 4 BodyCzechs proceeded, unimpeded, to barrel down upon an astonished and disgruntled Monsieur Le Plug. The BodyCzechs did not managed to score on the play as the Plug kicked out shot after shot for the whole 3 minutes he was left alone to fend for himself. After the original errant pass from Gumby, Gumby and his defence partner had decided to go the bench for a well deserved rest while the forwards, MagBoy, Crossbar, and Dr. Thug, did the same. Those on the bench failed to notice the poor line change and continued playing out their bridge hands, much to Monsieur Le Plug’s chagrin. It was learned by management after the game, that Archilles Perron had spiked the water bottles with his stash of Zoloft in an effort to spark team unity. “I thought we could use a little more mellow” he was quoted as saying in the post game presser. Nice idea….bad execution.

Pyjama Man, armed with a new left-handed stick he found in his neighbour’s back yard during his evening tom-catting, was not a factor in the game. He had played better in the previous game when, having broken his favourite stick “Rosebud”, he was forced to use a janitor’s broom.

Freight Train Laronde, celebrating his 51th birthday and sober for the first time since the acquisition of his newly minted PhD on November 12, showed up to the game without his jock. A collection was taken in the dressing room. Since there was not enough collected to get him bus fare to his house and back, he took the donations upstairs and purchased the only athletic supporter available, a PeeWee NutGuard 2X. The equipment, though a little large, was adequate for the purpose and Laronde made it through the game physically unscathed.

Fortunately, the forwards played well enough to ensure the 6-3 victory. Feeling magnanimous, they invited the defence and goalie to join them at the Terminal Tavren following the game. The 2 fans, Bootsey MagGirl and Loan Jones tagged along, in the hope that one of the team’s gentlemen would buy them a drink. Good thing they had brought their own money. At the watering hole Dr. Thug, upon learning that there was a Biology graduate from Waterloo on the premises, promptly sought him out and, for 3 hours, waxed eloquent on vector movements, Amirase and Mutase, and on H1N1 variants, H2N2, H2N3 and H2So4. The grad left exhausted and severely chastised for his ignorance.
4 Stella, 2 Appletinis, 1 glass of water, 5 Guinness, 4 Bass, 2.5 Keith’s, 1 Kilkenny, 1 large fry, 2 pounds of chicken wings and tales of Zoloftian insouciance were consumed.