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Thursday, November 26, 2009

Mr. Obnoxious Gets Double Whammied

Game Report
November 23, 2009
Killer Strawberries 6 Aviation Panthers 0

Last night, the Killer Strawberries, with nary a player missing physically, played host to Mr. Obnoxious and his band of unmerry men at the beautiful Pete Palangio Arenas. Much to the delight of all the fan (1) in attendance, Mr. Obnoxious was handed his butt as the filling in a large helping of humble pie, as the Strawbs cruised to a 6-0 victory over the Aviation Panthers. Except for Mr. O and one other meathead, Mr. Big Meathead, the Panthers are a fun team to play. They frequently tested the Strawbs’ defensive skills and Monsieur Le Plug had to be on his game to record his second shutout of the season.

Whoa.horny Richardson recorded his first goal as a forward and was so delighted with himself that spent the rest of the match doing SFA. Dr. Thug, the ancientest (ie most ancient) and venerable-est (ie most venerable) statesman of the Canadore Intramural Hockey League, continued his torrid scoring pace, notching 2 markers on the evening. Bing! Crossbar was also quite productive and will be allowed, based on his performance in the first half of the season, to attend the upcoming Strawbs’ Christmas Soiree and Stilletto Exhibition in the company of his grandmother, who, oddly enough, is younger than most of the players on the team.

As noted above, Mr. Obnoxious was whammied once on the frozen pond. According to unconfirmed sources, he got whammied again post game. Apparently, he got home a little early, only to find his best friend wearing his favourite housecoat and his wife wanting to leave him. The Strawbs’ condolences go out to his best friend.

After the game, many a Strawb and the team’s leading fan jammed themselves into their usual corner at the Terminal Tavren. It was there that Dr. Thug made 2 startling announcements. The squad was uneasily anticipating some unwanted news about his imminent retirement but, alas, they were mistaken. Dr. Thug, a man who knows more about the minutae of minutae than anyone, ever, let it be known to the team that, henceforth, he will be dedicating himself to cornering the “Cosmic Loose Electron Market.” According to the mad scientist, the universe will soon run out of uncommitted electrons. Most of the negative charges on earth are now bound up in hard drives, wireless conduits and other forms of permanent electron slavery. “I have calculated that they are only 10 11 gadzillion ( a really big number) electrons in the universe, with only a small amount of that within the earth and its gravitational confines” he declared. “Of that small number, most have been corralled to run our electronic devices such as computers, TVs, cameras and remote controlled vibrators. I have figured out how to capture the uncommitted electrons by using my soon-to-be patented ELECTRON AGGLOMERATOR II. As the electron shortage becomes severe, I will offer to sell the charged particles in my control at monopolistic prices. I will be fabulously wealthy and I will live forever.”

As might be expected, the assembled Strawbs were agog with dumbfoundedness. “How will you live forever?” queried one of the stunned listeners. “It has worked so far, hasn’t it?” replied the soon-to-be patent holder. As Dr. Thug left the table briefly to discard some liquid electrons, the conversation turned to his ancientness and to the effects of his having consumed, since the age of twelve, way too many beers out of aluminum cans. Guesses were made as to his true age. None of the guesses were anywhere near the age proclaimed on the stone birth certificate he carries in his tattered wallet.

4 Stella, 6 Guinness, 5 Black and Tan, 1 bass, 2 Bud, 17 Keiths White (none in aluminum cans), a loaf of cheese bread, 2 plates of fries and 1045000 free electrons were consumed.


Anonymous said...

With no game tonight - where am I suppose to go to acquire free electrons?!

Anonymous said...

Try the near vaccuum between earlobe 1 and earlobe 2.