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Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Whoa.horny Saddles Up

Killer Strawberries 6 Free Agents 1
Game Report
November 9, 2009

After an absence of 1 year and 4 games, Whoa.horny Richardson, Pembroke’s Boy Wonder Of The Year in 1923, finally found the time to partially saddle up for the Killer Strawberries in their match last evening against a quick but somewhat disorganized Free Agent squad. The phrase “partially saddle up” is a propos, given that the creaky defenceman showed up to the game with everything he needed to weave his magic, except for his gloves, helmet, jock and skate laces. The lack of a helmet is understandable. As a youth, he played helmetless and has the neuron damage to prove it. But forgetting a jock: wow!

Whoa.horny managed somehow to muster up a minimal amount of equipment in time to start the match. The Strawbs couldn’t tell what was rustier…the skates Whoa.horny put away wet in 2008 or his game. For the first period, he wobbled about like Gumby at his 50th birthday party. His stick slipped frequently from his hands, he tripped over every painted surface on the ice and he applied so much nitro to his chest between shifts that we were sure the arena was going to explode. By Gawd, it was sure good to have him back.

Warrin’ Peace keep his career high 3 game scoring streak alive with some vivacious and deft work. Freight Train potted 2 markers. It should be noted here that he will be missing the next game, as he will be playing defence elsewhere. He will be in Toronto trying to explain to his doctoral thesis. His thesis sounds fascinating, a must read for insomniacs and masochists alike: “The Cross-Cultural Ramifications of Sub-Lingual Computer-Mediated Education in Non-Aligned JK Classes: A Retrospective Analysis”. Can’t wait for the paperback version.

Pyjama Man, fighting the flu, the cops and Revenue Canada, played a magnificent game using a stick designed for someone 3 feet taller, right handed and a lot smarter. He still managed to outscore the goalie, the defence corps and a forward whose name will not be mentioned because it would embarrass Dr. Thug.

Nevertheless, the Strawbs put in a strong performance and were worthy of victory. After the game, which started at 11pm, the players assembled for a tail gate party in the parking lot of the Pete Palangio Arenas. Some cold beer was rummaged from who knows where and the boys spent quite a bit of time going over the match and other events which had occurred since the last encounter. Bing! Crossbar was slagged for missing his second game in a row because he could not get a note from his Mom to stay up past midnight. Gumby was effusively praised for his well thought out proposals for the new Strawbs’ jersey. Everyone was in agreement that adding a shoulder pocket for smokes, inhalers, nitro and other paraphernalia was a stroke of brilliance. The Vice informed the assembled that his enamoratta, the redoubtable Madame LaChaise, aka The Field Marsha, will, in June next year, be receiving an Honourary Degree from Aloha Baby University. The odds in Vegas against anyone associated with the Killer Strawberries ever getting honoured for anything have been so prohibitive that extra zeros have had to be ordered from some alternate universes to complete the posted odds. Congratulations Field Marsha and screw you for raising the bar on us.

6 cold, cold Harp, 4 Coors Lite, 12 big Busch and some warm reflected glow of lifetime achievement were consumed.

1 comment:

DB said...

Really Cold Cold Harp!