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Saturday, November 21, 2009

Monsieur Le Plug Meets The Leak-Both Impressed

Game Report
November 19, 2009
Killer Strawberries 8 ALU Warriors 2

Things did do not look good as the Zamboni was finishing its surface polishing just outside the Strawbs dressing room. Shiny was still in Las Vegas blowing his wife’s mad money on the nickel slots. Dr. Thug was in Ottawa writing the MCAT for Prince Richard. Gawdawful Gumby was chasing shiny pennies with another hockey squad who would have him. Pyjama Man had notified the team at the last match that he would be absent this evening because of a conflicting home visit by CAS. Bing! Crossbar was reported to be doing homework at the Canadore pub in the company of three sirens from his hometown. What was left in the dressing, while of the highest quality, was sadly deficient in numbers.
Fortunately, the Leak, who toils in Sudbury for the Canadian Taliban (ie Revenue and Corrections Canada), made a surprise guest appearance, complete with a set of hockey equipment he had purloined from a peewee team located just down the hall from the Strawbs’ dressing room. But alas and fortunately, just before the puck dropped, Pyjama Man showed up with Bing!, ready to do battle.

The Leak took little time to get himself onto the scoreboard. With all the grace of a wounded deer on dull skates, he swooped in on a loose puck and promptly slammed it into the yawning cage. By thus scoring, he became the all-time Killer Strawberries leader in average goals per game. He coasted on his new found laurels for the rest of the game, refusing to enter his defensive zone as retribution to his old team for having repeatedly done the same to him during his tenure as the Strawbs’ #1, #2 and #3 netminder in seasons past.

Bing! Crossbar, his sperm count at an all time low, showed surprising vigour. He tallied 4 times during the game, with all of the tallies deposited into the appropriate net. “My girlfriends really got me up for the game,” he told the boys in the shower following the game. “Maybe you elder statesmen should try it sometime.” As the Vice rightly pointed out, Bing! is not married.

The team was quite astonished to see Pyjama Man make an appearance. He advised the Strawbs after the match that the meeting with CAS had gone well and that, to celebrate his sliding off the hook for now, he had duct-taped his children to chairs in front of the TV while he sped away to play hockey. “They love the Princess Bride,” he said. “And I gave them snacks too!”

While the Killer Strawberries were worthy winners on the night, Whoa.Horny Richardson’s contribution was positively Scroogian, Stoogian and stinky. Like the Vice in the previous match, he too chose to ignore the laws of physics and basic atom hockey. With all the willful blindness of a bored eunuch in a fat pasha’s harem, he attempted a floater pass through 5 Warriors positioned like a brick wall in front of the Strawbs' net. Needless to say (but it will be said anyway), the puck barely made half of the journey Whoa.Horny had intended for it and was quickly slid past a startled Monsieur Le Plug. To that point, Le Plug had stood on his head, stymieing wave after wave of the speedy Warrior offence, which offence seemed to cast some kind of spell on the Strawbs’ langorous defence. Le Plug faced more 2 and 3 man breakways than The Leak ever did when Butcher Brophey was around to delimb any player stupid enough to get with the reach of his scalpel, er hockey stick.

The game ended in a score of 8-2. The Strawbs then re-convened at the Terminal Tavren to go over the positives and negatives on the evening. The Leak’s scoring prowess was feted, Le Plug’s patience admired, Crossbar’s youth rued with green-eyed jealousy, Pyjama Man’s resourcefulness remarked upon in cosmic terms, and Whoa.Horny’s mental lapse recalled with all the fondness of a first year college encounter with a stubborn venereal disease.

2 jugs of water, 2 Bass, 2 Keiths, 2 Guinness, 2 Stella, 2 Canadian and many Leakian memories of defensive miscues were consumed.

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