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Tuesday, February 28, 2006

News Flash!!!!

This just in ... Strawbs play wrong team in 1st round of playoff, as do Ducks and Crazy Puckers. It seems the correct standings have the Strawbs finisheing in 3rd, the Puckers in 4th, the Aviation in 5th and the Ducks in 6th. According to the schedule the Strwbs should have played the Ducks and the Puckers should have flown with Aviation. Too bad for both the Ducks and Aviation as they were both winners of the wrong games. Strawbs management is on the case. Any "fixes" to this developing story will be posted as they occur.
Feb. 27, 2006 - Game Report

Dreams of playoff glory came to a sudden, unexpected halt last night, as the Strawbs found themselves on the short end of a 5-3 game (1 empty net goal) against a team of 500 Aviators bent on trying to atone for the National team’s loss in Turino.

At the post game rehash at the Terminal Tavren, no single reason could be found for the failure to advance. As a matter of fact, except for Butcher Brophey, who missed his 10th game in a row in order to attend his deportation hearing in Ottawa, all the Strawberries were effusive in their praise of their team mates, even to the point of bald faced prevarication. Pyjama Man, who had the game of a lifetime (an aardvark’s lifetime) told The Torch that his defence was immaculate and shiny. Gawdawful Gumby noted that Magnesium Boy (formerly known as Magnesium Man) had the best taped sticks on either team. Magnesium Boy responded that Gumby was his hero sans pareil, and as such, his words meant so much to him, that he was dedicating his next game to Gumby’s everlasting honour. Freight Train was of the opinion that just being in the company of so many illustrious Strawbs made the beer taste colder and the nachos spicier, even if they just finished stinking out Palangio Arenas with a performance worthy of the Togo national under 5 hockey team. Since nobody could remember where Togo was, it was taken as a compliment and Freight Train’s health toasted forthwith. The Ice Marshall congratulated Smokey Hill on his efforts to cut back to 5 packs a day (including 1 between periods of most games) and on his serious addiction reduction work while he toiled for a short time with the Nasty Cupcakes in January. As everyone knows, the Ice Marshall has been able to almost overcome a serious addiction of his own, namely his tireless promotion of world peace, social harmony and the pursuit of justice in all its many splendored forms. He is down to 15 hours per day do-gooding. Dr. Thug, a karmic victim this year of some terrible bodychecks from the girl he creamed into the boards 2 years ago, was just happy to remember the names of his team mates, having suffered 45 concussions in his storied career, 4 this year alone. He makes Eric Lindros look like a sissy. Jon Jean John (Yawn) was praised for making the mesh bulge brilliantly on a breakaway in the first period of the game. Unfortunately the mesh was that nylon stuff they installed behind the nets to keep wayward pucks from leaving the rink. The Love Glove, impersonating the Invisible Man, did not make it to the Terminal Tavren because his mom made him go home to clean his room and wash behind his ears. He was certainly the cleanest player on the Strawbs this year and will most assuredly be receiving the team’s coveted Mr. Sterile Award at the club’s end of season “do” at Vice Ice’s Compound For Wayward Adults. Butcher Brophey, a surprise non-contributor in the club’s last 2 games, was proclaimed the team’s best foreign traveler and will most certainly need his peerless voyaging skills as he rides the club’s farm team’s farm team’s bus across the Yukon next year. And finally, what can be said about our goaler, Jesse “Sprunga Leak”, that hasn’t already been said. It’s always the goalie’s fault. Gumby said it best... "mal qui est qui mal y pense".

6 jugs and 1 large humble pie were consumed.

Next game: wait by the phone.
Jesse The Leak Records Shutout
Strawbs Win 10-0 Against Crazy Puckers
Feb.23, 2006 - Game Report

Crazy Puckers show up without a goalie, a huge mistake. Strawbs smell blood. Score 10 unanswered goals while trying to keep the score down. Retire to Terminal Tavren. Consumption slightly above average. Await playoffs.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Dr. Thug obviously tried to slip a "groaner" past the Ice Marshall, to no avail, while enjoying post game beverages at Casey's Terminal Tavern.
The Killer Strawberries Hockey Club 2005-2006

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Strawbs Storm To Victory
Game Report - February 16, 2006

With the help of a little snow job, the Strawbs won their second game of the new year, by default, over a short handed squad from Sturgeon. The luckless roe producers could not ice a full team because the highway between North Bay and Sturgeon Falls was covered with snow 16 feet deep: a case of unnecessary Divine Intervention.

The painless victory brings the Strawbs’ new year’s record (January to present) to .500 and leaves them in either first or second place for the whole year, thanks to its pre-Christmas juggernaut.

8 donkless Strawbs showed up to Pete Palangio arenas to ensure the default victory. They proceeded to play an exhibition game against a pickup team of stragglers, hobos and other miscreants and trounced the hapless ragtag conglomeration by a score of 100-1, with IMW scoring 99 of the Strawbs’ goals. The rest of the Strawberries were too busy on the bench learning how to inhale contraband Captain Black cigarellos brought to the arena by Smokey Hill in his quest to drag the rest of the team down to his level pulmonary fitness. The coughing got so bad no one was able to attend any post game festivities. IMW was not pleased.

0 jugs consumed, an ignominious team record

Next game: February 23 at 9:45 pm.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Fan Appreciation Night A Huge Success
Aviators Gun Down Feuding Strawbs 5-4
Game Report
February 9, 2006

While the Strawbs put in what one observer described as a “limp and fatuous” performance on the ice, the close 5-4 loss was overshadowed by two unprecedented events.

By using that underrated yet highly effective marketing tool called “Doin’Diddley Squat Promotion,” the team ran its first ever Fan Appreciation Night which swelled its 2005-2006 attendance record to 5, its highest cumulative annual attendance since 1992, when a rowdy troupe of disoriented and jet-lagged and wandering Japanese karaoke singers inadvertently mistook Pete Palangio arenas for the Capitol Centre.

Two intrepid and possibly pre-inebriated fans, sisters from the less respectable arm of the Alcorn clan, were in attendance to cheer on the Vice Ice Marshall, Rob “The Torch” Greenfield. While their enthusiasm was much to be admired, their choice of exhortations was, to say the least, explicit and imaginative in its use of terms more befitting an evening at the alternative ballet. To his credit, “The Torch” attempted to ramp up his game to the level of “tepid”, in an effort to impress the assembled soigné crowd. Unfortunately, his efforts fell short and in his own words, uttered with an unsettling hint of pride at the terminal tavren (yes, tavren), appraised his performance as follows: “I played like sh#t…all I did was win a couple of faceoffs”. Although no one could recall any face-offs won by the hapless centre, all agreed with the rest of his self-evaluation (even though some were of the opinion that the scatological term used by the VIM did not go quite go far enough), which brings us to the second unprecedented event.

It is an unusual occurrence for a Strawb to criticize another Strawb. Yet what happened in the team’s dressing room after the game bordered on ugly. Ice Marshall Walpole, just freshly returned from negotiating a peace settlement between the Palestinians and the Israelis, attributed the matter to pent up pressure resulting from the team’s overwhelming desire to bring home the Cup this year or to quote him more accurately, “it was a subconscious overtly-revelatory manifestion of innate pre-concurrence distress syndrome, not seen since the 1942 Olympic Hockey Gold run up in Goosergood, Germany.” “It is known be to cured with a cold Guinness served soon after the incident”. The proposed cure was quickly agreed and acted upon. But to get back to the ugly occurrence. Gumby Pettigrew, entirely blameless for the loss (in his own humble estimation) sparked the heated conflagration by noting that The Torch appeared to be content to model his game upon a leisurely stroll on Trout Lake on a sun-speckled winter afternoon. Fortunately, The Torch was not in the room to hear this spurious and outrageous heresy. Freight Train Laronde took up the Torch’s cause by commenting that he thought the use of the expression “sun-speckled” was unjustified and unfair. Pyjama Man, who had just finished lighting a stogey for Smokey Hill by sparking together the blades of his skates, retorted that he believed The Torch reminded him of Cliff Claven of ‘Cheers’ fame, both for The Torch’s physical resemblance to the revered mailman and for the way each of these icons plays the game. Then, someone claimed to hear the whispered phrase “forced retirement”. Luckily, upon seeing that his and Pyjama Man’s comments may have been out of place, Gumby then noted, in his stentorian yet mellifluous voice, that, while the aviators appeared to have had too many goalies plugging up the net, the “Strawbs didn’t have enough.” Magnesium Man, the team’s self-appointed guru of whatever is on his mind, was prescient enough to see where the ugliness was leading and quickly pointed out that the universe was created by Carl Sagan…this from a guy who played with all the finesse of a rain-slicked sidewalk. In any event, MM’s astute observation was enough to derail the insultfest…just in time because Jon Jean John Jawn (Yawn) was ready to lambaste Butcher Brophey for failing to get the puck to him in an important situation that nobody could remember or cared about. Finally, cooler heads prevailed when Freight Train pointed out that time was getting to be short and that the terminal tavren (yes, tavren) would be closing in less than 3 hours.

The Alcorn sisters, using their unparalleled wit, guile and dirty tricks, changed the post game venue to one of their own liking, forcing the team to congregate at their third choice for the evening, prompting one unnamed Strawb to rename the occasion “The Alcorn Sisters Take-Over Night”. By the end of the soiree, all ruffled feathers were smoothed and harmony reigned in Carl Sagan’s universe. Sister Pam Alcorn summed it up best, “It was a great game. It just slipped away from you. Things are always slipping away from me. What colour should I dye my hair this time?”

9 jugs and a lot of chickens were sacrificed in the name of team unity.

Next game is Thursday, February 16 at some time in the evening.

PS Love Glove: We know you missed the game because of your double vasectomy/appendectomy. Hope you can make it next week.

Rusty Report to the Nasty Cupcakes for conditioning asap

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Gawdawful Gumby and the Ice Marshall still have their game faces on after a recent rare Strawbs "almost undefeated" game.

Freight Train looks sheepish, obviously not wanting to be caught helping Smokey hide his ever-present smoke.

Magnesium Man makes a quick call to his agent following a recent Strawbs game.

Monday, February 06, 2006

The 96-97 version of the Killer Strawberries. Who are all these guys??
A fuzzy Strawbs' dressing room photo from the past. Not sure of the year, but it's in the 90's.