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Saturday, November 29, 2008

Billy Goated

Ramrods 5 Killer Strawberries 3

Game Report

November 27, 2008

It was a close game until the final minute when a small, MagBoy-like brain fart resulted in an unfortunate turnover deep in the Strawberries end. With 57 seconds remaining on the clock, the Ramrods pounced on a poorly propelled puck and promptly deposited it behind a disconsolate Leak, who, until that point, had been stymieing the relentless opposition with superlative goaltending.

With the score now 4-3 in favour of the Ramrods, the Strawbs pulled their goalie and began putting on some good pressure in the opponent’s zone. Somehow the puck escaped the pressure and listlessly floundered back toward the Strawbs’ end of the rink. Dr. Billy The Goat Procunier (aka dr. Thug) sped to corral the biscuit before an icing could be called. Who knows why?

Exhausted from his skate back, he proceeded to launch a perfect pass across the front of his own net….perfect in the sense that it was sublime lunacy from a sublime lunatic. The puck was easily intercepted by a rather surprised Ramrodder who, faced with a yawning cage, deftly deeked out the crease, put a fake on the goal line and wired his gift horse into an astonished mesh: Ramrods 5 Strawberries 3.

At the Presser immediately following the game, a contrite Dr. Thug, his wicket firmly planted between his legs could only say “I’m sorry. I’ve been up late every night this week preparing for King Richard’s (his son’s) December mid-terms. All I can think about is E=MC2, ribonucleic acid, and the new Britney Spears video which I need to study for Rich’s Anatomy exam. I hope I won’t be sent down again to the farm team’s farm team.” The Executive was less forgiving than the good doctor was to himself, fining Billy The Goat a Panjoram (2 hogsheads) of single malt for his faux pas.

Other than the two last minute miscues, the Strawbs played a very strong game. Perhaps they were trying hard to ensure that their newest pickup, Slickery Elbows McMillan, would remain with the squad for the remainder of the season. Slickery had been recruited after a lengthy search by the tireless Executive of all the local frozen ponds, frozen ditches and customary, less-than-reputable, post-game watering holes. Slickery was spotted on November 25, 2008 exiting a rather dubious establishment at 2:22 am, as he drove out of the darkened parking lot with his headlights off, wearing little more than the self-satisfied grin of an incorrigible tomcat escaping a successful back alley encounter. He was pulled over by the alert Vice who promptly signed him to a one way, one year, no trade contract, pending a check of his possible involvement in any three way love triangles which could come back to haunt the team.

Slickery took no time establishing himself as a force to be reckoned with. Prowling the ice like an undercover eel, he slipped in here, dangled there and scored the game’s first goal: a sloppy shot but a goal nevertheless. Preliminary reviews of his play have been favourable. The rest of the team pulled up their red socks in his wake, with excellent efforts being proffered especially by Shiny Sean Brightly, Freight Train Laronde, Archilles and Warrin’ Peace; about time for at least 2 of them.

Butcher Brophey continued to strengthen the team with his prolonged absence. Rumours have been swirling about that the team’s tactical surgeon is undergoing an emergency addadicktomy somewhere near Gotenburg, Sweden. Other reports have him trying unsuccessfully to sanitize his equipment at Atomic Energy of Canada before he returns to wreak havoc on the teams in the Canadore Intramural league, including his own. Another rumour has him nursing Miss White Go Go Boots back to health after a strenuous Legionnaires’ Convention in Las Vegas, Manitoba. (Her convention, not his).

As was inevitable, the Killer Strawberries adjourned to the Terminal Tavren to discuss their performance and to generate new rumours. They were successful on both counts.

4 Stella, 6 Blue, 2 Bud Light, 2 Black and Tan, 1 celery stick, and half a Panjoram of single malt were consumed .

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