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Game Report - Killer Strawberries Hockey and Gentlemen’s Club
December 1, 2005

In a stunning stonk of hockey legerdemain, cunning and grace, the Killer Strawberries juggernaut continued its march to the Cup with a convincing 5-0 trouncing of a feisty and less than gentlemanly Aviation squad bent on knocking the high flying Strawbs down a notch or two. The Strawbs, still stinging from its only loss this year at the hands of last night’s opponents in an ignominious game forever erased from its collective memory, made sure that, from the get go, the result would never be in doubt.

On the defensive side, Jesse “The Leak” continued his stellar play, coming up with some big stops in the first period. As a result of his work this season, he will be asked to return for the next game in January 2006, provided he keeps his nose clean over the holidays and shows at up the Ice Marshall’s and the Vice Ice Marshall’s every time it snows more than 2 centimetres. Some may think this is taking undue advantage of an impressionable student, but the IM and VIM would rather look at it as helping the puck stopper stay in shape, a shape which last year approached a worrisome likeness to the Michelin Man and “Butcher” Brophey.

The Strawbs’ defensive core of “Smokey” Hill, “Gumby” Pettigrew, “Freight Train” Laronde and “Butcher” Brophey formed a cohesive mass of menacing halitosis fuelled marauders, killing endless penalties with aplomb, dignity and a snarliness not seen since “Pyjama Man” tried to swipe the last chicken wing from the powerful grasp a particularly ravenous “Dr. Thug” at last year’s year end soiree.

The VIM, Rob “The Torch” Greenfield, made some pretty passes, some of them on the ice. On 3 separate occasions he sprung the IM away on breakaways, the second of which resulted in the first goal of the game, a goal which some of you may have seen last night on Sportsline. John “Jean Jawn” broke out of his 40 game scoring slump and, with the help of a strong tailwind and a disoriented goalie, slid the puck deftly across the goal line, with millimeters to spare. “Magnesium Man”, using a stick Aurel Joliet tossed away in an October 24, 1935 game against the Chicoutimi Chicoutimis, also potted a rare goal to pad a growing lead. Powered by the promise of warm milk and cookies after the game, and with his mom in attendance, the “Love Glove” may or may not have added an insurance marker to ensure an Almost Undefeated first half for the Strawbs.

Mom “Love Glove” has now set a personal fan attendance record at Strawberries’ games, having shown up for 3 matches in a row. Never in the annals of Strawberry lore has there been a fan of such exemplary dedication. That Mom “Love Glove” still believes her boy can make it to the Big Time is enough to make this writer want to go out and hug a kitten.

At the post game debriefing, the bitching about the poor refereeing continued, especially from the VIM who was incensed he wasn’t allowed to call Ref “Giggles” a $#@*&&%$#@! to his face. “Butcher” Brophey, whose shot makes Stephen Hawking’s slapper look like a rocket, was not pleased either, having made 3 unnecessary trips to the Sin Bin. The Ice Marshall has agreed to look into the matter as soon as he can muster enough interest in the issue to actually care what anybody else thinks.

Fan Appreciation Days are being planned for the new year for spouses, girlfriends, mistresses and moms, on separate occasions as required. Details are sketchy at this time, but a committee is being struck to look into the possibility of setting up a steering committee to look into the creation of a permanent ad hoc body for the consideration of future stuff. We’ll keep our readers posted.

In an unrelated item, The Executive of the Killer Strawberries has informed the club that it will be prolonging its winter meetings in Hawaii, a move necessitated by the recent arrival of Paris Hilton at the team’s Aloha Baby Compound on Oahu. An unnamed wag is referring to the meetings’ extension as “The Vacuous meets the Vacant”, whatever that means.

6 jugs, 1 plate of nachos, 1 plate of calamari (ya, friggin calamari) 1 lb of chicken wings and some other amorphous mass were consumed.

Next game: wait for the phone call.