Strawbs Demolish Daffy Ducks Game Report
Strawbs 11-Other Guys 1

November 24, 2005

With a record crowd on hand to witness history in the making, a surging Killer Strawberries Hockey Club continued its relentless march toward a first ever OHL title. While it may have been true that the defeated and demoralized Ducks were short a goaltender, the brave Strawbs had to endure a strong 6 on 5 skater attack, making it difficult for extended periods to get the puck out of its zone with its usual ease. However, once the puck was cleared, a deft offence ensured victory by filling the opposition’s net with vintage Viceroy rubber.

The game saw the return of the ever dangerous Dr. Thug who received clearance to play from his chiropractor, Dr. Dolla Voodoo and his sceance coordinator, boulevardier and bon vivant, Ron Bacardi. Dr. Thug told the team after the game that his wind was good after the long layoff because, in the interim, he had been running. If what he displayed constituted good wind, many team members wondered aloud what his bad wind could be like. It was not long before they found out, much to everyone’s chagrin. It was unanimously agreed that the aging returnee had probably been running, not laps, but his Super Singer Serger & Sewing Machine while consuming too many Libby’s Deep Fried Beans (he describes the latter as his comfort food) (ain’t nobody else’s, that’s for sure).

The matchup with the Ducks was the first “Invite Your Personal Service Worker To The Game” Night, a brainchild conceived under dubious circumstances by the Strawberries Executive still involved in extended meetings in Hawaii. The result was the record crowd alluded to earlier in this report. Three probation and 2 parole officers, 4 AA buddies and one scantily attired “masseuse and amanuensis” rooted the team to victory. Unfortunately, only 2 Strawbs were able to retire to the terminal tavren (yes, tavren) of choice (The Bull) for post game sarsasparillas, the others unable to either elude the sticky clutches of their personal service worker or, in one case, unable to resist the sticky clutches of his “personal service worker”.

It should be noted that the game was not without its stellar observations from Strawbs’ players who should know better. The upright member from Pyjamaville, in a moment of rare insight, enlightened the team with the astute revelation that he has noticed that he has had to get his skates sharpened twice as frequently since he and his Svengali intoxicated sidekick, Smokey Hill, have started to play twice as often each week. Ice Marshall Walpole was quick to lament that it was rather unfortunate that skate sharpening machines couldn’t be retooled to sharpen wits instead. It was not surprising that Pyjama Man asked IMW to explain what he meant. No explanation was immediately forthcoming, IMW having deemed any response likely to be futile, otiose and too mentally straining.

The Love Glove, probably dizzied by the pre-game announcement that he would be moved to the top line for the match, botched his opportunity to ever reach those rarefied hockey heights ever again by shooting wide of the opposition’s net a record 43 times in row, 6 of those times while inside the Duck’s hash marks. The team has provided the disappointing rookie with a referral to Dr. Thug’s motivational coach and serger repairer, Miss Narcissa Nonsuch of Bean Creek, Florida. One can only hope the disoriented and confused former high school All Star (Chippewa S.S. Chess Club, 2004) heeds management’s advice.

In another of a series of bonehead moves, Butcher Brophey, soon to be renamed Bonehead Butcher Brophey, stuck out the better of his two bad knees in an attempt to impede a hapless Duck’s retreat to his own bench. Old habits die hard and in BBB’s case, don’t seem to die at all. It would seem that his goal this year of earning the new moniker, Surgeon Brophey will have to wait for a few years, or more likely, the revision of Strawberries’ history by some relative to whom he will have left a lot of money. Fat chance of that, given the way BBB wastes his money on such gems as Don’s Cherry’s Rockem Sockem videos and the jockstrap Gary Croteau wore while toiling with the Kansas City Scouts in 1976.

Gumby Pettigrew completed his second game and was voted the game’s eleventh star, a first for him. Jesse The Leak let in a soft goal, Jon Jean Jawn was nursing a hangover and laboured under the effects of his syphilis medication. Magnesium Man was, well, Magnesium Man. Freight Train Laronde was drinking in Sudbury with his buddy, former Strawbs sniper, Mr. Huile De Palmolive Perron.

4 pitchers, a screwdriver and an Ovaltine were consumed.

Next game: Thursday, December 1