Pre-Season Report 2006-2007
Killer Strawberries Hockey Club

At the summer meetings of the Killer Strawberries’ Executive at the Aloha Baby Compound in Oaha, the club’s shadowy and morbidly secretive brain trust sought to resolve some major pressing issues which could only be described as massive untreated hangovers from what had been expected to be a promising 2005-2006 season.

To say that the season ended in disappointment is an understatement of the same ilk as “Gumby might benefit from a little therapy” or “Butcher Brophey is a lumbering, slumbering, bumbling sociopath who kicks puppies for fun”. The brain trust spent an exhausting 167.6 hours compiling a list of the ills which plagued last year’s underachievers and requested that the Ice Marshall and the Vice Ice Marshall take immediate steps to remedy those ills. While taking frequent breaks from escorting the Olsen twins, Pamela Anderson, Angelina and Paris Hilton to various red carpet/shag carpet events in Oahu, this intrepid duo once again created a sustainable, transparent, accountability-laden, outside the box blueprint for change.

Below, is an unofficial excerpt from the report filed with the brain trust. The full, official report will be released as soon as President Stephen Harper declassifies the document and removes his head from W’s ass.

Hangover #1

Lack of scoring from the B line (B as in Bungling and Bloated)

Remedies

Send Pyjama Man to the Ray Charles Net Recognition Remediation School for the month of October.
Wean Dr. Thug off his daily dose of Viagra, which, instead of increasing his touch around the “net”, tends to keep his shaft a little too stiff in scoring situations.


Advise Jean Jon Jawn that his services would better be suited to a team where any shooting inaccuracy is seen as an excusable flaw. We hear the Leafs are looking to replace Tie Domi.

Hangover #2

A defence so clueless, they believe that the word “gullible” has been removed from the dictionary.

Remedies

Return Smokie Hill, the human cigarette, to the Nasty Cupcakes, the Strawb’s farm team’s farm team, recently relocated to Buttface, Alaska, in an effort to stay one step ahead of the law.

Duck tape Butcher Brophey’s arms to his sides so that opponents do not become surprised organ donors any time they find themselves in a foreign corner of the rink. The move is expected to cut down the team’s total penalty time by 94%.


Advise Gumby that game night has been changed to every other Sunday, in Bonfield.

Move Freight Train 444 Laronde to a new position which leverages his major strengths…frying pickerel and buying draft. He has been promoted to the position of entertainment coordinator.

Hangover #3

Magnesium Boy

Remedy

Since no centre or winger or defence partner can be found to offset Magnesium Boy, he will be left to play with himself.

Hangovers #4, #5, #6

Remedy

Put Magnesium Boy and Jesse the Leak between the pipes, simultaneously. This move has numerous advantages. Blame can be sloughed off to the other guy. The net will be stuffed with the equivalent of 95% of the BMI of a Butcher Brophey, at his peak summer form, leaving very little for the opposition in terms of scoring openings. Moreover, Magnesium Boy will get to repeat, ad nauseum, his “Carl Sagan Invented The Universe” story to someone who can’t easily run away.

Hangover #7

The Strawbs have developed a reputation as a drinking team with a hockey problem.

Remedy

More post game Guinesses to brainstorm solutions to this nagging problem.

Hangover #8

Early retirements in 2006

Remedy

With the forced early retirements/reassignments of Smokie Hill, Rusty Vik Erickson, Jean Jon Jawn and The Love Glove, the Strawbs have been presented with an unprecedented opportunity to strengthen the team with new additions. Unfortunately, it appears that the unfathomable remedy imposed by the brain trust (not to be confused with the Ice Marshall or the Vice Ice) may backfire. On the dubious advice of some of the permanent and shady guests at the Aloha Baby Compound, the team , in October, signed unknown quantities Whoa!horny Richardson and Jason “The Golden Fleece” St. Pierre as well as the recently rehabbed and revived Achilles Perron, whose glory days, if he ever had any, are probably behind him (along with the extra 40 pounds he is carrying). Ah, but the boy can drink his share!

The Bright Spots

Rob “The Torch Greenfield, Vice Ice Marshall and bon vivant extraordinaire, who recently set a Guinness Book record by spending the entire May to August period on full Code Orange Liver Alert, without spillin a drop or burning any holes in guitar.

Ice Marshall Walpole, the Strawb’s spiritual guide and conscience of moderation, who found God on the off season, disguised as a permanent guest of Aloha Baby Compound.