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Monday, January 21, 2008

Dam That Leak

Strawberries 5 Blades of Steel 4

Game Report
January17, 2008

They say it is good defence that wins cups: good defence which includes backchecking forwards, stalwart defencemen and stellar goaltending. Last night, the Strawberries provided 33.3% of the winning formula, sufficient for victory but also in such quantity as to cause worrisome headsmacking among the large foreheads stationed at Aloha Baby Compound in Oahu.

Jesse The Leak turned into a veritable dam for the occasion. Using cat-like reflexes, uncanny anticipation, the full width of the goalposts and crossbar as well as his thickening skull, The Leak stymied the surging Blades repeatedly, causing them to curse and swear and slam their sticks to the ice with the surliness of spoiled babies temporarily denied access to their mothers’ soothing breasts.

To say that the defence was porous would be an understatement. On 4 occasions, the Blades skated in on The Leak unobstructed, only to be denied the pleasure of a flashing red light. It is a mystery how this could happen to a team which normally prides itself on its defensive discipline. The Ice Marshall has a theory, not easily dismissed. He has noted that since Sir Gumby’s ascension to knighthood, he has taken to reading Adam Smith’s essays on laissez-faire economics. Sir Gumby has purchased copies of the essays and has been surreptitiously distributing them among his defence mates. As any student of history will tell you, there is no discipline in “laissez-faire” anything. And a lot of discipline is exactly what the team didn’t get last night. Shame on you and your ilk, Sir Gumby.

The defensive side of the offence’s game went missing too. Most egregious were the hockey stylings of the Vice (Rob The Torch to his insurance adjuster). He wandered the frozen wasteland as if it were his first Mormon tent revival. To say that he played aimlessly would be charitable indeed. Fortunately, the team’s overall poor play was more than adequately made up by a couple of Strawberries, most notably by Pyjama Man who has recently moved out of his car into real lodgings. As nimbly as a surpised Casanova leaving his married paramour’s boudoir seconds before the arrival of a suspicious and unexpected husband, Pyjama Man scored and ran, frequently, successfully and totally self-satisfied with his performance. It is a standard to which all Strawbs aspire (on the hockey front only, of course).

Once again, Freight Train Laronde, the last “Steamer in service” according to the irreverent MagBoy, set himself up for a huge expense and barely escaped the evening with his wallet intact. With the score 4 to 3 for the Strawbs and 4:44 left in the last period, the Strawberries took a penalty. Less than a minute later, Freight Train was caught illegally tenderizing a Blade found loitering at the side of our net. Able mathematicians among readers of this drivel will have computed a 2 man advantage for the Blades with just over 3 minutes remaining. A score of 4-4 would have cost Freight Train 4 jugs of draft at the local imbibery. Luckily for all concerned, Pyjama Man was able to steal the puck from a hapless opposition defender. He took the puck down the ice and promptly yet unceremoniously deposited it into the yawning netting behind an astonished Blades’ goalie. Strawbs 5, Blades of Steel 3. The old Steamer off the hook. Victory assured.

As was, is and ever shall be customary, the Strawberries gathered at the Terminal Tavren for a hearty debriefing. With the help of poor short term memories and vivid imaginations, the victory was turned into a rout and the Vice’s on ice performance lauded for the tour de force it never was. All attendees spent the rest of the evening warmly enveloped in happy thoughts, secure in the knowledge that more victories loomed in the offing.

4 Guinness, 2 Stella, 3 Budlight, 7 Keith’s, 2 Bass, 3 Blue and a lot of laissez faire were consumed.

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