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Friday, July 29, 2011


Yesterday marked the 5th Annual Killer Strawberries Invitational Golf Tournament at the incredibly difficult and often surly Osprey Links. Seventeen hackers, slashers, semi-pros, recidivists and boulevardiers competed for Strawb golf supremacy in the Grand Richard and Grande Richarde divisions.

First out were the never-champion Vice who had squeezed himself into his once well-fitting, self designed golfwear, 2008 champion Dr. Butcher Brophey, P. Eng., MBA, PhD, LMNOP, and 2009 champion Shiny Shone Brightly, now Principal at St. Gertrude’s School for Wayward Girls. All 3 players got off to magnificent starts, with each of them clearing the women’s tees by several yards.

Next up was a foursome led by Jesse The Leak, tax auditor and two time Goalie of The Year in the Canadore Intramural Hockey League,as chosen by his Mom. With him was his younger brother, Mitch Match, whose apperarance at the Invitational was designed to get him a tryout with the Strawbs for next season. It must be pointed out that his golf attire, consisting as it did of a lime green checkered golf-like shirt, ¾ length suede corduroy hicking shorts, black nylon knee highs and shoes stolen from some dead clown did nothing to enhance his chances. Also in the group were brewmaster Magboy still stinking of the strained beets and carrots he attempted to shove down MagTot’s throat at lunch, and 2010 Defending Champion, Vinnie B. Weedwacker who more than re-earned his moniker with a fine outing of pond-edge manicuring.

The third group, by far the handsomest , consisted of Slickery McMillan who beat his balls so hard off the tee that most of them jumped from his bag and committed suicide in the pond on #3; Snowtop O’Farrell who played the best golf of his life, easily breaking 100 for the nine; Achilles Perron who started out with a brilliant 9 on the first hole, only to birdie the second; and the inaugural 2007 Champion, still remembered by every pretty girl who ever met him, the august Ice Marshal himself.

La Grande Richarde group followed and it was not pretty, what with 3 Alpha females competing in the same group for the top wymyn’s prize. This is not to say that the members were not pretty. You couldn’t stuff more pretty into a threesome. Luscious Lori,(defending and 2 time champion), the Siren of Brockville (SOB, 2009 champion) and Glasgow Glamour (2000 Scottish Tea Brewing Champion) clawed their ways through nine holes while fighting like feral cats in a bag of full of catnip, much to the delight of threesome fans everywhere.

In the last (or deadbeat) group, came a sad collection of humanity, more to be pitied than scorned. With no real golfer in the group, the lads had to entertain themselves with stories of their glorious, imagined pasts just to take their senescent minds off rapidly mounting stroke counts. Dr. Thug, fresh from writing son Richard’s entrance essay into Pharmacy at U of T, Gawdawful Gumby, fresh from 3 night’s luxury accommodation in a comfy ditch at Voyageur Daze, and Moses Mclean, who recently celebrated his 60th birthday with a tour of Casselhome, finished off the field and dragged their butts back to the clubhouse just before midnight.

All golfers, except Mitch Match who had some kind of life threatening blister on his ass, then re-assembled at the team’s new watering hole, the Moose. Wings were ordered and gobbled, beer and wine flowed and the day’s highlights recounted with more than a dash of bovine droppings. Because it was too loud in the boozery, all attendees, including the non-golfing Mrs. Jo B. Weedwacker, scurried out to the parking lot for the awards ceremony.

The Ice Marshal presided presidentially from the tailgate of the Vice’s 1942 Ford pickup. Dr. Thug was thanked for bringing all the past receipts from the Moose which he was delegated to collect on behalf of the team. The Moose gave the Strawb’s the equivalent of 15% of the total receipts, as a token of their appreciation for Strawb patronage. What they didn’t appreciate was Dr. Thug’s attempt to slide in few dubious receipts, among which were found a $526 bill from the San Francisco based La Senza For Gay Doctors and Their Ilk Shopping Emporium.

La Grande Richarde was handed out to the Siren of Brockville who used the occasion to slander her opponents in a manner unauthorized in the Killer Strawberry constitution. The Grand Richard ( the Big Dick, for those whose French peaked in grade 1)was ceremoniously conferred on co-winners Slickery McMillan and Shiny Shone Brightly. A lovely photo of the champions sharing the green-brown jacket can be seen somewhere below or above or maybe not all all.

All in all it was a fine day.

500 chickens died for Strawberry pleasure.

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