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Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Strawbs Win. Goaltending Woes Continue.

Killer Strawberries   8      Scoregasms    5

Game Report

February 13, 2013

Record: unknown yet respectable

What has happened to the cocky goaltender who, for months after being the Strawbs first overall pick in the 2011 draft, was as impenetrable as anything found in an Italian convent? In last night’s game against the Scoregasms, the offence was relentless. MagBoy and The Mayor alone had at least 8 breakaways and 3 goals between them. Every Strawbs forward scored and every defencemen played some version of defence. But in nets, the story is one which continues to send shock waves of consternation up and down the bench, through the press box and right up into the sanctum sanctorum in Aloha Baby Compound, where whiskey and uxorious companionship flow like the Nile in rainy season.

The goaltending has been so atrocious that there is now a very plausible theory circulating among the handsomer Strawbs. This theory holds that Dr. Phelonius Thug’s most recent concussion was caused by the Marquis DeSap’s inability to stop anything moving towards him with any speed greater than that achieved by a retreating glacier. How would this theory be possible, you may ask? If you need to ask, you just don’t know.

In the impartial opinion of this award winning reporter, the Strawbs will be going nowhere in the playoffs until such time as solve their gaping hole behind the blueline.

With Valentine’s looming ominously just past the midnight fast approaching, all Strawbs scurried home after the game  to ensure that the gifts so carefully chosen for the loves-of-their-lives would be properly chilled for the next day. Nothing but perhaps a bottle or two from the chilling inventory was consumed.

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