Killer Strawberries 8 Scoregasms
5
Game Report
February 13, 2013
Record: unknown yet respectable
What has happened to the cocky goaltender who, for months after
being the Strawbs first overall pick in the 2011 draft, was as impenetrable as
anything found in an Italian convent? In last night’s game against the
Scoregasms, the offence was relentless. MagBoy and The Mayor alone had at least
8 breakaways and 3 goals between them. Every Strawbs forward scored and every
defencemen played some version of defence. But in nets, the story is one which continues
to send shock waves of consternation up and down the bench, through the press
box and right up into the sanctum sanctorum in Aloha Baby Compound, where
whiskey and uxorious companionship flow like the Nile in rainy season.
The goaltending has been so atrocious that there is now a very
plausible theory circulating among the handsomer Strawbs. This theory holds
that Dr. Phelonius Thug’s most recent concussion was caused by the Marquis
DeSap’s inability to stop anything moving towards him with any speed greater
than that achieved by a retreating glacier. How would this theory be possible,
you may ask? If you need to ask, you just don’t know.
In the impartial opinion of this award winning reporter, the
Strawbs will be going nowhere in the playoffs until such time as solve their
gaping hole behind the blueline.
With Valentine’s looming ominously just past the midnight
fast approaching, all Strawbs scurried home after the game to ensure that the gifts so carefully chosen
for the loves-of-their-lives would be properly chilled for the next day.
Nothing but perhaps a bottle or two from the chilling inventory was consumed.
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