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Friday, January 14, 2011

Turkey Brain

Game Report

Thrashers 5 Killer Strawberries 2

January 13, 2011

Thank Allah that the Christmas Break did not last a scintilla juris longer. The Strawbs, battling what can only be adequately described as an epidemic of Turkey Brain TM, got schooled by a band of hyperkinetic teenagers in a one-sided battle last evening at the (almost) mould-free Pete Palangio Arenas. Final score: Thrashers 5, Killer Strawberries 2.

While the arena may have been mould-free, some of the Strawbs certainly were not. Shiny Shone Brightly had rust growing on his mould. He claimed his skates were too loose, owing to the fact that his new skate tightener was still learning the ropes. The Ice Marshal, considered the most handsome man on the team in a recent poll of B list movie starlets, played like an elderly sloth emerging from a happy-ending massage transacted in a high-class opium den. He blamed his lackluster performance on the shortness of his hockey stick which Gawdawful Gumby has been describing as a hatchet handle with no ambition. Never one to be short on useless advice, Gawd suggested to the weary team icon, saint and boulevardier, that perhaps when he cuts down his next tripod-like device, he might want to first put on his skates, stand on a chair, measure the stick to his chin and add 2 inches. “Keep your mind off my stick” was the Ice Marshal’s terse reply.

Also mouldy and turkey-brained, was the Butcher, fresh from a debilitating sojourn with the sabbaticaled Freight Train 444 at the Aloha Baby Compound West in Oahu. When he left on his excursion, the Butcher was a svelte 185 pounds of pulsating manhood. In the hands of his travelling companions, the most dangerous of whom was Freight Train, he obviously succumbed to every available vice, temptation and donut within a forty mile radius of the Compound and returned to his beloved team a corpulent gallimaufry of unintended consequences. Not pretty…not pretty at all.

Quite a few of the Strawbs must have taken in Elvis Stoyko’s “Thunder On Ice “show over the holidays. Unfortunately, it was not Elvis they decided to emulate, but rather the chorus of nine year girls who skated in public for the first time to the strains of “Feelings”, that excellent up-tempo rock tune made famous by Barry Manilow or Perry Como or maybe it was Frosty The Snowman…who knows. Among the imitating chorus were Archilles Perron, who played The Jilted Butterfly, Slickery Mac, who played the Butterfly’s handmaid, MagBoy, who played The Overdosing Valium Boy, and The Vice, who played himself.

On the plus side, newly called-up Shifty Drouin added some spark to the team and has been instructed to stay by the phone in case the Executive asks him to come out to the next game, perhaps to even play in that game. The real star of the game, it hurts to say, was the Marquis DeSave. The Marquis spent his Christmas hiatus snowbathing on the beaches of Nunavut and counting the number of feral dogs eaten by polar bears. “ It was lot cheaper than Cancun and not nearly as crowded” mumbled he through lips so frostbitten that he has been asked by the makers of Botox to be their 2011 poster boy. Fortunately the whole misadventure did no slow him down between the pipes, and but for his heroics, the score could easily have been 2-1 for the Strawbs.

After the game, most team members scampered off to the Terminal Tavren to top themselves back up with turkey substitutes and libations with a high caloric value. MagBoy announced that the team’s new beer, to be unveiled at a later date, is almost ready for sampling. Cries of “Hale Fellow Well Met, Jolly Good Fellow and You Da Man joyously rang through the entire watering hole, thereby obliterating any feelings of mouldiness that may have followed the team to its post ice-combat haunt.

2 Guinness, a pant load of Lake of Bays India Pale Ale, an ill-advised Grasshopper, 2 Bud, 5 pounds of chicken wings in lemon pepper sauce and the wet dreams of budding brew masters were consumed.

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