Disaster Averted: "Gumby" Pettigrew Keeps His Moniker...Almost

After furious and often acrimonious negotiations with the trademark holders of the "Gumby" rights worldwide at the Aloha Baby Compound in Oahu, Ice Marshall Walpole has secured a 57 year licence for the use of the name "Gumby" as it" may or may not apply to the public and private persona of any human or quasi human being bearing a passport in the name of Michael Q. Pettigrew the Third and who toils or simulates toil or has, in the past, simulated toil with the world renowned Killer Strawberries Hockey and Gentlemen's Club."

The name can be used for whatever purposes the club sees fit but with one caveat, namely that the appellation "Gumby" must be used in association with the word" Gawdawful".

The team Executive is elated with the result. "I couldn't see myself calling him "Puddinhead" for the rest of my life" said a subdued but obviously relieved Rob "The Torch" Greenfield. He'll always be "Gumby" to me, even if he is gawdawful. Rumour out of Oahu has it that the fatter Olsen twin was also instrumental in brokering the historical deal under the guidance of the Ice Marshall.

"Gawdawful Gumby" Pettigrew could not be reached for comment at the Betty Ford in Minnesota.

Pre-Christmas personnel evaluation meeting

Greetings mortals,

There will be a pre-Christmas personnel evaluation meeting and CD release party on Wednesday, December 21 at 7:30pm at the Bull. Hope to see you there.

IMW

"Dr. Thug" is either lost in concentration over the "terminal tavern round table" discussion between "Pajama Man" and "PH Gumby" following another Strawbs victory or he is "napping" while waiting for another round of Kilkenny and wings.

WAAAAAA! I Want My Mommy.
(Gumby Pettigrew Locates A Glaring Omission To The Game Report Of Dec 1)

I, "Gumby" Pettigrew, am somewhat dismayed and also disappointed that no mention was made of the obvious issue involving 'zebra-vision' and the ensuing calling-back of two, yes, 2 (in-case you understand #s better) potential goals, on two/2 separate occassions, against the very same player, on virtually identical shots.
Not only is it imperative that our supporters/readers be made aware of the obvious challenge the Strawbs face game-in and game-out, with this new form of potential viral-type pandemic now be labelled as 'zebra-vision,' but I also believe that the Strawbs Executive (and Paris) need to be informed of this as well.

"Dr. Thug" and "Pajama Man" discuss the high points of their recent play as the Strawbs finished their first half of the season "almost undefeated" with only one loss.

"Smokey" Hill and "Butcher" Brophey look serious as they "re-hash" the game.

Stentorian Strawbs Stalwarts Stifle Student Steenboks
Game Report - Killer Strawberries Hockey and Gentlemen’s Club
December 1, 2005

In a stunning stonk of hockey legerdemain, cunning and grace, the Killer Strawberries juggernaut continued its march to the Cup with a convincing 5-0 trouncing of a feisty and less than gentlemanly Aviation squad bent on knocking the high flying Strawbs down a notch or two. The Strawbs, still stinging from its only loss this year at the hands of last night’s opponents in an ignominious game forever erased from its collective memory, made sure that, from the get go, the result would never be in doubt.

On the defensive side, Jesse “The Leak” continued his stellar play, coming up with some big stops in the first period. As a result of his work this season, he will be asked to return for the next game in January 2006, provided he keeps his nose clean over the holidays and shows at up the Ice Marshall’s and the Vice Ice Marshall’s every time it snows more than 2 centimetres. Some may think this is taking undue advantage of an impressionable student, but the IM and VIM would rather look at it as helping the puck stopper stay in shape, a shape which last year approached a worrisome likeness to the Michelin Man and “Butcher” Brophey.

The Strawbs’ defensive core of “Smokey” Hill, “Gumby” Pettigrew, “Freight Train” Laronde and “Butcher” Brophey formed a cohesive mass of menacing halitosis fuelled marauders, killing endless penalties with aplomb, dignity and a snarliness not seen since “Pyjama Man” tried to swipe the last chicken wing from the powerful grasp a particularly ravenous “Dr. Thug” at last year’s year end soiree.

The VIM, Rob “The Torch” Greenfield, made some pretty passes, some of them on the ice. On 3 separate occasions he sprung the IM away on breakaways, the second of which resulted in the first goal of the game, a goal which some of you may have seen last night on Sportsline. John “Jean Jawn” broke out of his 40 game scoring slump and, with the help of a strong tailwind and a disoriented goalie, slid the puck deftly across the goal line, with millimeters to spare. “Magnesium Man”, using a stick Aurel Joliet tossed away in an October 24, 1935 game against the Chicoutimi Chicoutimis, also potted a rare goal to pad a growing lead. Powered by the promise of warm milk and cookies after the game, and with his mom in attendance, the “Love Glove” may or may not have added an insurance marker to ensure an Almost Undefeated first half for the Strawbs.

Mom “Love Glove” has now set a personal fan attendance record at Strawberries’ games, having shown up for 3 matches in a row. Never in the annals of Strawberry lore has there been a fan of such exemplary dedication. That Mom “Love Glove” still believes her boy can make it to the Big Time is enough to make this writer want to go out and hug a kitten.

At the post game debriefing, the bitching about the poor refereeing continued, especially from the VIM who was incensed he wasn’t allowed to call Ref “Giggles” a $#@*&&%$#@! to his face. “Butcher” Brophey, whose shot makes Stephen Hawking’s slapper look like a rocket, was not pleased either, having made 3 unnecessary trips to the Sin Bin. The Ice Marshall has agreed to look into the matter as soon as he can muster enough interest in the issue to actually care what anybody else thinks.

Fan Appreciation Days are being planned for the new year for spouses, girlfriends, mistresses and moms, on separate occasions as required. Details are sketchy at this time, but a committee is being struck to look into the possibility of setting up a steering committee to look into the creation of a permanent ad hoc body for the consideration of future stuff. We’ll keep our readers posted.

In an unrelated item, The Executive of the Killer Strawberries has informed the club that it will be prolonging its winter meetings in Hawaii, a move necessitated by the recent arrival of Paris Hilton at the team’s Aloha Baby Compound on Oahu. An unnamed wag is referring to the meetings’ extension as “The Vacuous meets the Vacant”, whatever that means.

6 jugs, 1 plate of nachos, 1 plate of calamari (ya, friggin calamari) 1 lb of chicken wings and some other amorphous mass were consumed.

Next game: wait for the phone call.