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Friday, February 02, 2007

Full Moon Fulmination

Game Report
February 1, 2007

Strawbs 6 Team Up 0

The Moon was in the Seventh House and Jupiter aligned with Mars or something like that. And that Moon had to be a full one, cause strange occurrences occurred last night at the Strawbs’ downing of Team Up.

With game time set for 9pm and the clock ticking 8:45, Butcher Brophey was already roosting and preening on his perch near Dr. Thug, complaining about the frozen state of his equipment. He found it incomprehensible that there was ice on his jock after having left it out in -24 degree weather for 3 days. This man teaches our kids and is soon to be conferred a PHD from some backwater in England. We despair.

Also in attendance was WhoaHorney Richardson who was making his third appearance of the year. The only reason the team knew who he was, was because he still had on his WhoaHorney Richardson, Management Trainee, Passionate Kisses badge, securely fastened to his wife beater.

The team left the dressing room, 12 strong and actually warmed up before the match. After a slow start, the Strawbs started to turn it up a few notches. Mag Boy scored then disappeared for the rest of the night. Archilles Perron, who had drunk a quart of bat blood at supper to boost his energy and libido, was a force to be reckoned with, scoring 2 or 3 goals, thus upping his year’s total to 2 or 3. “It’s amazing what you can do when you’re on a line with veterans like the Ice Marshall and Pyjama Man. And hitting the net seems to work too. I’m re-energized for the rest of the season” said Archilles in a post game interview with the bathroom mirror.

The Vice Ice, friend of orphans everywhere, launched another amazing shot toward the opponent’s net. The shot travelled 4.65metres in less than 6 seconds, reached a height of 4.65 metres, reversed course and fell precipitously to whack the shot taker in the nuts. As the Vice Ice lay writhing in unexpected self-inflicted pain, the rest of the squad scooted over to watch the shot on video replay. The team has been contacted by Hockey Night in Canada which plans to highlight the amazing feat on Coach’s Corner this Saturday night during the Leafs/Senators game. As luck would have it, the Vice Ice will be at the game and will attempt a re-enactment at centre ice in the first intermission. We can only hope that the mike does not pick up what is expected to be an inappropriate choice of swear words.

Another sign the moon was in full bloom was the demeanor of Gumby Pettigrew. As all loyal fans know, Gumby’s life philosophy is one of “in your face laissez faire, whatever, kiss my butt I’m Irish.” Well, last evening, he played contra-philosophically , hustling left and right, rushing, retreating, swooping, soaring and slapshotting with precision. And that was just in the warmup. He continued his “eat my shorts,you gravy sucking pigs” play well into the first 3 minutes of the game. Then, like a spectacular evanescence, he reverted to type, called the referee a “stupid dumb orphan hating idiot” and was summarily dismissed from the game.

Freight Train 444 surprised the team by his unexpected appearance: unexpected because it was his mother’s 80th birthday. “It was only her 80th, for gawd’s sakes. It’s not like it was an important birthday, like my 50th which is coming up. She’ll get over it. She wasn’t crying that hard when I called her just before the game.” This is the kind of grit that makes the Strawbs the redoubtable team it is. We’d rather eat our young than listen to their whining. We’re so tough we take shots at our own nuts, just for fun. Well, some of us do.

Jesse The Leak recorded a rare shutout, after playing most the game with his eyes closed. With 30 seconds left in the game, it was lucky he wasn’t looking, because those defensive stalwarts, WhoaHorney and Freight Train 444 were pinching inside Team Up’s blue line, looking for glory, while 3 opposition players, positioned strategically at the Strawbs’ blue line, screamed helplessly for the puck. The puck never arrived and the shutout was preserved.

Post game celebrations started early, as Gumby’s birthday Scotch was popped open and passed around. Gumby gave a short, tear jerking speech about the value of team mates and good Scotch and his health was toasted. Most of the squad, including Wanderin’ Warren Peace, whose leash has been extended ½ hour by his personal trainer, the irresistible Samara Desert, re-convened at the Terminal Tavren, where Dr. Thug, enthralled said Warren for over 2 hours with the history of zygotes and inter-species copulation. “All I did was ask him what he did for a living” said the Wanderer. “ My head hurts now. Can I go home?”

6 Kilkenny, 2 Bud, 23 Steam Whistle and a lot of scientific hot air were consumed.

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