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Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Steamroller Steams On

Game Report
February 19, 2007

Strawbs 9 Team Up 1

After spotting a dogged Team Up a single goal in the first five minutes, the indomitable Killer Strawberries went on to strangle their opposition with a defence so stingy that many fans fled the arena for fear of being squeezed senseless themselves. Jesse The Leak was not busy on the evening but came up big on a couple of occasions. In one memorable situation, Gawdawful Gumby, mistaking himself for a rushing defenceman, deftly moved the puck out of his own corner, spun toward the front of his own net and promptly performed a flawless nosedive about 3 feet in the slot. The puck, finding itself temporarily uncaressed, veered smoothly to a stunned but happy opponent who, in turn, drilled a shot at a flabbergasted Leak. Fortunately, the save was made and Gumby was left with but a small trace of humble pie upon his baffled countenance. He did not endeavour to repeat the move again during the game.

The Vice Ice was less subtle in his only bonehead move of the evening, sliding a perfect pass onto the stick of hungry Team Upper who was cruising the high slot, his bright orange jersey ablaze in anticipation. Again the Leak was equal to the faux pas and saved the VIM’s butt once more.

At the other end of the rink, Gumby, the VIM, Whoahorny and the Butcher were peerless in their offensiveness. It was virtually impossible to sneak the puck past these intrepid blueliners. They used every part of their battered bodies, stick shafts of both kinds, skate blades, and decorative sock tassels to keep the biscuit bouncing inside the enemy’s zone. Combined with the relentless forechecking and hockey legerdemain of the rabid forwards, poor Team Up just could not keep up. The opposition netminder saw more rubber than Xaviera Hollander on a Dutch holiday weekend and managed to stop quite a few sure goals. To his credit, he never gave up in the face of the never-ending onslaught and managed somehow to hold the Strawbs to a mere 9 goals on the evening. As is wont on a team imbued with a steely resolve to win at all costs, the Strawbs’scoring was evenly distributed. Both lines were humming, a veritable Swiss clockwork of precision and reliability.

The fan base continued its strong showing of support, with Mag Girl and Samara Desert swooning post-game, deliriously in love with their men in white, all 12 of them. They had to be escorted home following the team picture, their knees too weak to support the burden of their requited admiration. Notable by her absence was Miss White Go-Go Boots. Rumour has it that she is miffed by the sudden swelling of the team’s fan base. She is reluctant to share any of the swelling but management expects she will come around. Once smitten, twice bitten.

At the Terminal Tavren, most Strawberries assembled for a post-game jam. The compliments flowed freely and a heartfelt bonhomie pervaded the proceedings. The defensive faux pas (2) were magnanimously forgiven and magically turned into strengths by an observant Dr. Thug who noted that the faux pas were like inoculations. They sting for a short time but they make you stronger in the end, unless, of course, they kill you. The Ice Marshall was a little more sanguine. “ I love these guys, even if they sometimes play like crap.”

2 Coronas, 6 Guinness, 2 Kilkenny, 3 Steamwhistle, 1 Harp, 6 unidentified libations, 12 chicken wings, a plate of fat-free perogies and some liberal forgiveness were consumed.


Anonymous said...

Subsequent to this review, a wonderfully thoughtful invitation to the Strawbs Fan Appreciation night was released. While I am honoured to receive this invitation (albeit in a casually forwarded email), I cannot help but note its gender specificity. At the risk of creating controversy/tension/anxiety is the Strawbs dressing room, I wish to point out that not only could there be fanettes deserving of such recognition, but dare I say a "fanner" or two may also be desrving. While it has been rumoured that homophobia runs amuck within the ranks of the Strawbs, I can't believe that a group of such confident hockey mavens would tolerate such a trait of weakness. Looking forward to another incredible display of hockey prowess. Watch yourselves in the dressing room!

Miss White Go-Go Boots

Anonymous said...

Dearest and Highly Esteemed Miss White Go Go Boots.

It is so nice to hear your dulcet internet voice after what seems to be a prolonged absence from active fandom at a Strawbs' ice hockey game. We were a little worried you may have found employment elsewhere in the province because we know that charms such as yours are needed and highly desired everywhere.

Homophobia and its ugly cousins, Skimphobia and 2%phobia, have no place within the ranks of our team. Rather, we prefer to foster an environment of pure lust for those things feminine. And you, the epitome of femininity remain the highest object of our succubus desires.

We will be pleased to appreciate you on Fan Appreciation Night. Please wear those fishnet stockings and that brazenly short micro-mini which appears so often in our dreams.

All our love,

The Killer Strawberries Hockey Team