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Saturday, February 28, 2009

Fans Turn Out In Droves To First Playoff Match

Strawberries 3 Free Agents 1

Game Report

February 27

Extra seating had to be brought in last night to accommodate the pumped up Jaegermeister/Lysol fuelled throng of fans which showed up to cheer on their beloved squad of Strawberry delights. The noise was so great that the Killler Strawberries could barely think, not that anyone watching would have known the difference in cogitation levels between this game and any other Strawbs’ game for that matter. Led by award winning videographer and recently “fiftied” Gawdawful Gumby Scorcese, the fans chanted, stomped and clapped their squad to a 3-1 victory over a very determined and ornery bunch of Free Agents. For his work on the evening, Gawd has been invited to spend an afternoon this summer at the Aloha Baby Compound in Oahu, Hawaii so that he can record, on tape for posterity, some selected Executive wisdomisms. He will also be allowed to clean out the stables with the Olsen twin of his choice.

The game itself was a ragged affair. Of the 40 minutes of playing time, various members of the Killer Strawberries were asked to spend a total of 18 minutes and thirty six seconds in the company of the scorekeeper, a reformed pederast from Kingston Pen. On 3 occasions the Strawberries had to kill off a 5 on 3 disadvantage. It did so with aplomb, grit and lotsa luck.

It may have been a sign that the team, like a forgotten container of yogurt in an abandoned fridge, has been around the league well beyond its best before date. Near the end of the game, an exhausted Dr. Felonious Thug was attempting to corral a loose puck in front of the Strawbs' bench. With Dr. Thug’s back exposed, a Free Agent thought it would be good fun to slam him face first into the top of the boards. Felonious collapsed like a cheap suitcase. When he finally came to, he demanded of one of the Zebra’s to explain why no penalty was called on the play. The Zebra’s response: “Write another letter to the league”. It is true that the Executive has used pen and paper to excoriate the league's big foreheads for their lax supervision and repeatedly poor choice of certain bumbling officials. Officials can make or break a game. Officials need to be good. The league needs to use good officials.

All any team ever expects from officiators is a modicum of competence and accountability. Too often, neither is received. The Zebra’s response last night indicated, among other things, a total lack of impartiality bordering on retribution. Mr. Zebra, hockey is not a one way street. We make mistakes and we pay by way of goals against or by time spent in the sin bin. Your mistakes, when egregious enough, need to be pointed out to those who pay your stipends. We suck it up most of the time and so should you.

When they weren’t killing penalties, the Strawbs played very well on offence. The team was led by the torrid Slickery Mac who tallied twice, the second on a beauty featured later that evening on Sportsline or whatever Gumby’s new videography show is called. The third goal, which sealed the victory was lovely as well. Shiny Sean, who was born without kneecaps in a New Orleans brothel, picked up a feed just inside the Free Agent blueline and lobbed a gorgeous saucer pass to a waiting MagBoy who one timed the puck into the upper recesses on the net, much to the satisfaction of his enamorata, the beautiful MagGirl who was in attendance. She is said to have swooned.

The defence, strengthened by the continued absence of the Butcher and Gawdawful Gumby, was stellar. Warrin’ Peace, shanghai’d into a defenceman’s role, stepped up his game and proved himself admirably in the unaccustomed position. Freight Train also played back and used his size, reach and halitosis to great effect. The Vice, hampered by home cooking and memories of a recent bloodless yet life changing palace coup at the Compound For Minor Vice, hooked, tripped and grabbed his way, Brophey-style, to the game’s fifth star. His new old boss, Madame LaChaise, also in attendance, did not swoon but is said to have moderately approved of his play.

The Leak was solid in net. He had to be, given the amount of time the Strawbs spent short-handed. This will be the Leak’s last season, having accepted a position this April with Revenue Canada, College and University Professor Audit Division. The team will certainly miss his dexterity, urbanity, compassion and ability to overlook his teammates’ shortcomings, both on the rink and during tax filing season. Did we mention he was handsome to boot?

After the match, the team and its rabid fans, including some chick named Terry or Sherry or Bloody Mary or something like that, reconvened at its favoured den of iniquity, the down at the heels Terminal Tavren to celebrate the hard won victory. Zebras were calumniated, Canadore Hockey Central aspersed, fans’ love reciprocated, and gritty play recounted with glee.

18 Stella, 2 Appletinis with the little red umbrellas, 2 Sterling, 15 Keiths, 3 Steamwhistle, 2 pounds of Italian perogies ,4 pounds of chicken wings and some bitter recollections of penalties left uncalled were consumed.

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