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Saturday, February 28, 2009


Game Report

Killer Strawberries 5 Jetfires 1

February 21, 2009-02-28

Note: The writer would like to apologize to all regular followers of the infamous Killer Strawberries Hockey and Gentlemen's Club for the late filing of this game report. He has been in Kiev negotiating a new gas treaty between Russia and the Ukraine, which treaty is needed to ensure that the 200 million people in Europe do not freeze this winter. The negotiations were intense and the agreement was not concluded until 9 hours before the start of the first playoff game. The writer had to dash to the Strawbs' private Gulfstream which was waiting to transport him to Jack Garland Airport in North Bay so that he could play for his beloved team. He also had to slough off the effects of the 807 vodka toasts he was forced to consume at the treaty ratification ceremony which ended but minutes before his flight. He was also forced to forego the highly anticipated company of Olga and Tatiana who eagerly await his return to Kiev so that they may resume their discussions of the roles of women in Turginev and Tolstoy.)

It was a move which caught a severely shorthanded Killer Strawberries squad by surprise. Apparently, the sloping foreheads at Canadore Intramural Hockey Central allowed the Spitfires to amalgamate overnight with the Jet Rangers to form a new Jetfires team replete with sloping foreheads of its own. Not only that, but by some form of indecipherable alchemy, the new combination was awarded the same amount of season points as the Strawbs, turning last night’s game into a battle for first place and its concommitant bye in the first round of the playoffs. The alchemic additions, deletions and other mathematical legerdemain involved, among other things, involved not counting one of the Strawbs’ victories during regular league play. One can only hope that none of the officials involved ever works as a dispensing pharmacist or other profession where numbers, numerals, decimal points and exponents are used in life threatening situations.

The Strawbs, however, were undaunted. Well, at least the 7 skaters and 1 goalie who bothered showed up to the game were. The circumstances were so dire that Canada’s team was forced to use the Ice Marshal on defence, a position he hasn’t played since priests used to say mass in Latin with their backs and fat asses turned to the congregation.

Our 8 intrepids played excellently against its 14 gung ho opponents, scoring 5 times while allowing only 1 goal against. The Leak was superb between the pipes and will be allowed to start the next game (barring of course a blockbuster trade at the deadline).

The victory propelled the Strawbs into undisputed first place. They are itching for the playoffs to start so that they can claim the ultimate prize in all of hockeydom: the right to brag about past exploits for a whole year.

Post game, the few Strawbs who toiled against the Jetfires, save for Archilles Perron who had to go home to brush his teeth and finish dusting his wife’s toilet paper roll collection, reassembled at the Terminal Tavren to toast victory and slag those other Strawbs who did not contribute on the evening. The only absentee with a good excuse was P. Gumbington Pettigrew the Third, who was serving game 1 of his recent suspension, a suspension which resulted from his having used the inflammatory phrase “c’mon ref” in his questioning of a dubious call in last week’s game. And, despite the suspension, he came to the arena to support his colleagues, the sign of a gentleman, team player and desperate bachelor with nothing better to do at 11pm on a Thursday night.

4 Stella, 2 Sterling, 3 Guinness, 2 Keiths, 2 Blue and the satisfaction of a gutsy first place finish were consumed.

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