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Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Buttface Babies

Killer Strawberries 7 ALU Warriors 3

Game Report

February 7, 2011

The absentee list for last night’s matchup with the Warriors was as long as the excuses were dubious. Dr. Butcher Brophey claimed he thought it was February 14 and, consequently, spent the evening pining by the front door in the hopes that his enamoratta, the legendary Miss White Go Go Boots, would show up swaddled in nothing but a lascivious smile. Alas, Miss White Go Go Boots had other fish to fry and our intrepid defenceman once again finished the evening scoreless.

Slickery Mac, on the advice of his marriage counselor, was attending a wiener roast in Punta Cana. No details of his adventures were available at press time. Freight Train 444 was continuing his quest to pee in every country of the world by 2012. His latest location is reported to be somewhere in New Zealand, having left Fiji to evade Cyclone Yasi. Apparently, he wet himself on more than one occasion in Fiji worrying about whether he and Lazily LaMoan would be evacuated in time.

Dr. Thug, who had previously threatened to commute for every game from his new base somehere on Lake Erie, failed to keep his promise and chose rather to stay put so that he could review his lecture notes on the life cycle of the Beddus Buggess Latinium.

The goalie, the Marquis DeSave, was in San Diego, looking for employment at the world famous Zoo. Unfortunately, they already have 3 or 4 shitty goalies working in their baboon exhibit.

Warrin’ Peace was a no show. According to his rarely updated blog, Inertia, he was unable to make it because he was too tired. With his wife, the beautiful Samara Desert, unable to do everything around the house, poor Warrin’ has been asked to help her shovel the driveway when snowfall exceeds 3 feet and, to heap work upon work, to set the table EVERY NIGHT! The Strawbs send their condolences and a snow scoop.

Also absent was Achilles Perron, despite playing on a line with Pyjama man and the Ice Marshal.

Now back to the game. Even though shorthanded, the Strawbs came through with a 7-3 victory. Mayor Maynot, breaking a scoring drought which dates back to September 2010,tallied 2 markers, one of them on purpose. MagBoy came away with a MagBoy hat trick…2 goals, 2 penalties and 2 unconsummated breakaways. He was urged on in his performance by his current wife, Bootsey MagGirl who, when not “knitting 1 and purling 2”, could be heard trying out new names for the baby fermenting in her womb. The odds-on favourite for a baby’s name is MagTot if it turns out to be a boy… MagWag if it’s a puppy.

Speaking of births, it was officially announced after the game that Shiny Shone Brightly and Shifty Drouin are brothers. Shiny apparently found this out while shaking his family tree late one night last week. According to medical records recently unsealed by the Ovatorium Society of Greater Buttface, Shiny and Shifty were born in test tubes on different dates. While the same mother donated a couple extra eggs she had lying around in her Fallopian tubes from which the boys were eventually hatched, their fathers are separate entities. Shiny’s male donor was a former nuclear physicist with a gambling problem, born in Green Bay but who emigrated to Buttface on a lark (or maybe it was a bus). He was known to collect wads of gum from local sidewalks when not lining up at the local Cheap Spirits and PowerBall Emporium. Shifty’s sperm-bound DNA came from either a former Killer Strawberry demoted to the Bottomfeeders or from Keith Richards. It was probably the demoted Strawb (Moses McLean??), as there is no record of Keith Richards ever touching an organ.

After the game, there was the usual caravan of thirsty Strawbs who headed to the Terminal Tavren. While MagGirl continue knitting her “Madame Lafarge Neck Warmer”, the team drank as much as usual, still reeling from the news of the Buttface Brothers.

2 Guinness, 4 Muskoka Cream Ale, 3 Steamwhistle, 1 Stella, 1 water and some insemination speculation were consumed.


Rob Greenfield said...


DB said...

I'm speculating that no fans were inseminated while spectating.