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Sunday, February 13, 2011

Get A Grip

Killer Strawberries 2 Free Agents 4

Game Report

February 10, 2011

The Executive of the Killer Strawberries was, not to put too fine a point on it, fecking pissed. After spending untold dozens of dollars to bolster the club’s run at another championship, it expected more than the flaccid and utterly shameful performance put in last night by a terribly uninterested bunch of Strawberry Jamheads.

Immediately following the game, the Ice Marshal was called up on the carpet, despite his 2 goal and 4 assist outing. This reporter was lucky enough to have caught the IM as he exited the post-game meeting with his inferiors. “I tried to point out to the Executive that, yes, the game was poorly played, yes, rookies mistakes were made by rookies and aging veterans alike, and yes, it was an embarrassment. On the plus side though, the boys were rather nicely dressed and groomed” stated the serene team leader.

According to the Ice Marshal, the brass was clearly looking for a scapegoat. “Although I had to agree with the Executive that there were at least 10 candidates worthy of the dishonor, I decided to take one for the team” he mused philosophically. When further probed, the humble hockey statesman let it be known that he would be the one to fall on his sword and thus become the first ever recipient of the “Grip of Shame”, a battered suitcase that the Executive now wants to bestow upon, in their words “any and all further embarrassments to the Strawberries’ uniform”.

With the Grip comes an automatic, no time–limited one way trip to the Buttface Bottomfeeders for re-conditioning and attitude adjustment. “I plan to use the time constructively” the Ice Marshal noted. “I’ll be checking out the Ovatorium to find out for Shifty who his father really is, and maybe even make a deposit while I’m there. Maybe I’ll shoot some left-wing mosquitoes with Sarah P. and brush up on my Swahili. Maybe make some tie-dye shirts for the church choir. But don’t cry for me Argentina, I’m sure I’ll be back for Monday’s game.”

Below, is a photo of this week’s scapegoat as he started out on his journey to Buttface, Alaska on a mercilessly cold Friday morning. By noon, the IM had already reached the end of his closest neighbour’s driveway. Interested readers can follow the progress of his demotion on his new ButtFaceBook page. If anyone is speaking with him, they might like to suggest that he re-word his hitchhiking sign.

1 glass of scapegoat’s milk was consumed.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Ok, how about changing the exclamation mark to a question mark - that way, someone is sure to stop to talk to the IM.