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Friday, November 09, 2012

Socks Appeal

Game Report

November 8, 2012

Killer Strawberries  2                Barn Muckers  5

Record: 1-3-1

It was almost universally agreed upon by the two Barn Muckers fans who attended last night’s tussle between their team and the Killer Strawberries that the Strawbs’ new hockey socks were a lovely addition to the overall team outfit. “The colours were spectacular” gushed Muffy Black, a lifelong Barn Muckers puck bunny. “I really liked the way the red, green and white details flowed into an amorphous mass of unparralled sartorial pulchritude, accenting the lovely lower limbs of even the least handsome of their players...#4  I believe.” Mittens Basel-Johnson, another Muckers follower was not quite so effusive in her praise but did venture to say that “the new socks were pretty-ish but I’m afraid they looked a little too busy to me...a bit like something a meretricious woman of elastic morals might wear for an evening out across the tracks. Can I get pantyhose in that design?”

Unfortunately, the new socks were the only highlight in an otherwise dull outing by the Strawbs. The squad is off to its worst start in 15 years. According to a scathing press release sent out while the team was showering after the match, “The Executive will closely examine last night’s game tapes to help determine what actions need to be taken to ensure that the Killer Strawberries regain some semblance of their previous gloriousness. There has been far too much off-ice tom-foolery which, obviously, has translated into on-ice ineptitude. We thought that the gift of new Stevie Wonder/Madonna-designed socks might revitalize the players, something which the Hawthorne experiments of the 1930s seemed to suggest. Either we or Hawthorne or both were wrong on this one. Perhaps a couple of demotions to the Nasty Cupcakes are in order instead. Suggestions on who might benefit from a change of scenery have been pouring in from fans and team mates alike. Once Aloha Baby Compound Playdates, Pamela Anderson and Sophia Vergara, have been consulted, a decision in this matter will be forthcoming. No one is safe here except the Ice Marshall.”

After the game, a coterie of undaunted Strawbs reconvened at the Terminal Tavren to discuss fashion and other topics of urgent concern. Butcher Brophey was toasted on his 63rd birthday and voted “Most Likely To Pull Up His New Socks If He Can Reach Them.”

2 Coors Light, 17 Guinness, 1 Granville Island Ale, 6 pounds of shaped poultry parts and a whole bunch of Movember fashion suggestions were consumed.


Anonymous said...

Slickery should play in both leagues for the practice.

Anonymous said...

Slickery, per se, is not the problem. The problem a lack of fashion sense...and moral lassitude.