The Killer Strawberries face off early in the game that the refs won.

The face off just before the refs, and some Strawbs, lose control.

On ice discussion prior to the parade to the penalty box.

The Strawbs fill the penalty box.

Strawbs Demolish Daffy Ducks Game Report
Strawbs 11-Other Guys 1

November 24, 2005

With a record crowd on hand to witness history in the making, a surging Killer Strawberries Hockey Club continued its relentless march toward a first ever OHL title. While it may have been true that the defeated and demoralized Ducks were short a goaltender, the brave Strawbs had to endure a strong 6 on 5 skater attack, making it difficult for extended periods to get the puck out of its zone with its usual ease. However, once the puck was cleared, a deft offence ensured victory by filling the opposition’s net with vintage Viceroy rubber.

The game saw the return of the ever dangerous Dr. Thug who received clearance to play from his chiropractor, Dr. Dolla Voodoo and his sceance coordinator, boulevardier and bon vivant, Ron Bacardi. Dr. Thug told the team after the game that his wind was good after the long layoff because, in the interim, he had been running. If what he displayed constituted good wind, many team members wondered aloud what his bad wind could be like. It was not long before they found out, much to everyone’s chagrin. It was unanimously agreed that the aging returnee had probably been running, not laps, but his Super Singer Serger & Sewing Machine while consuming too many Libby’s Deep Fried Beans (he describes the latter as his comfort food) (ain’t nobody else’s, that’s for sure).

The matchup with the Ducks was the first “Invite Your Personal Service Worker To The Game” Night, a brainchild conceived under dubious circumstances by the Strawberries Executive still involved in extended meetings in Hawaii. The result was the record crowd alluded to earlier in this report. Three probation and 2 parole officers, 4 AA buddies and one scantily attired “masseuse and amanuensis” rooted the team to victory. Unfortunately, only 2 Strawbs were able to retire to the terminal tavren (yes, tavren) of choice (The Bull) for post game sarsasparillas, the others unable to either elude the sticky clutches of their personal service worker or, in one case, unable to resist the sticky clutches of his “personal service worker”.

It should be noted that the game was not without its stellar observations from Strawbs’ players who should know better. The upright member from Pyjamaville, in a moment of rare insight, enlightened the team with the astute revelation that he has noticed that he has had to get his skates sharpened twice as frequently since he and his Svengali intoxicated sidekick, Smokey Hill, have started to play twice as often each week. Ice Marshall Walpole was quick to lament that it was rather unfortunate that skate sharpening machines couldn’t be retooled to sharpen wits instead. It was not surprising that Pyjama Man asked IMW to explain what he meant. No explanation was immediately forthcoming, IMW having deemed any response likely to be futile, otiose and too mentally straining.

The Love Glove, probably dizzied by the pre-game announcement that he would be moved to the top line for the match, botched his opportunity to ever reach those rarefied hockey heights ever again by shooting wide of the opposition’s net a record 43 times in row, 6 of those times while inside the Duck’s hash marks. The team has provided the disappointing rookie with a referral to Dr. Thug’s motivational coach and serger repairer, Miss Narcissa Nonsuch of Bean Creek, Florida. One can only hope the disoriented and confused former high school All Star (Chippewa S.S. Chess Club, 2004) heeds management’s advice.

In another of a series of bonehead moves, Butcher Brophey, soon to be renamed Bonehead Butcher Brophey, stuck out the better of his two bad knees in an attempt to impede a hapless Duck’s retreat to his own bench. Old habits die hard and in BBB’s case, don’t seem to die at all. It would seem that his goal this year of earning the new moniker, Surgeon Brophey will have to wait for a few years, or more likely, the revision of Strawberries’ history by some relative to whom he will have left a lot of money. Fat chance of that, given the way BBB wastes his money on such gems as Don’s Cherry’s Rockem Sockem videos and the jockstrap Gary Croteau wore while toiling with the Kansas City Scouts in 1976.

Gumby Pettigrew completed his second game and was voted the game’s eleventh star, a first for him. Jesse The Leak let in a soft goal, Jon Jean Jawn was nursing a hangover and laboured under the effects of his syphilis medication. Magnesium Man was, well, Magnesium Man. Freight Train Laronde was drinking in Sudbury with his buddy, former Strawbs sniper, Mr. Huile De Palmolive Perron.

4 pitchers, a screwdriver and an Ovaltine were consumed.

Next game: Thursday, December 1

Killer Strawberries' Summer Conference

Strawbs and Penalties

Rehab Gets Fallen Strawberry Out Of A Jam
Game Report, November 10, 2005

Mike "Gumby" Pettigrew made his triumphant, post rehab, return to the Strawbs last evening by contributing a dubious yet lyrical assist and some semi-solid defensive play in the team's 5-2 victory over the Dirty Stallions, a testosterone powered powerhouse bent on dethroning the first place Strawbs. "Gumby" also filled the big skates of an injured "Butcher" Brophey in another capacity by taking a boneheaded penalty with the game's outcome still much in doubt. A team player would have sucked up the flagrant "testicle massage" for the good of the team and exacted revenge out the zebras' sight at a later and more opportune time. The Executive, viewing the game from its annual retreat in Hawaii, was pleased with its "Gumby" reclamation project and remain cautiously optimistic that the detoxified Strawberry can stay away from those elements which almost caused his fatal descent into ignominy.

Graham "The Love Glove" stepped up his game when promoted to the team's top line alongside the highly effective "Torch" and the ever dangerous "Ice Marshall". Spurred by the presence of his mom and dad and his most recent probation officer, "The Love Glove" had a 3 point night, highlighted by a seeing eye goal which stumped the stunned Stallion's stopper who had to contend with the menacing shadow of Freight Train Laronde as he lurked just outside the crease, unmolested, his breath smelling heavily of watered down Aqua Velva. There is something about an Aqua Velva Man.

The one game scoring streak of Frank " Pyjama Man" Gibbons, his longest of the year, came to a screeching halt as he seemed to be more interested in hearing the sound of the puck striking the glass than actually finding the back of the net as he was taught at the Strawb's last dry land training session. The Executive believes that a stint with the club's farm team in Smuckers, Pennsylvania, may not be too far in the offing.

Jon Jean Jawn looked more like Emmanuel Sandhu at the 2002 World's than the mean scoring machine he touted himself to be at his inaugural recruiting session at the Bull on August 23, 2003. He failed to complete at least 3 loosely patented Savardian Spinerama moves but, to his credit, did manage a somewhat anemic goal to put the Strawb's up 4-3 at a crucial time in the game.

Jesse "The Leak" continued his stellar play and will be allowed to stay with the team until they can find someone better. "Magnesium Man" has suggested he might fill the role but was quickly reminded of the 10 year goaltending ban imposed on him last season by the cruel but benevolent Executive. "Smokey" Hill did nothing to distinguish himself. He had better remove himself from the spell of his new Svengali, "Pyjama Gibbons", before his game deteriorates much further.

Post game debriefing held at Casey's. 4 Ovaltine, 3 Shirley Temple's and 1 warm milk were consumed.

Next game: Thursday, November 24 at 8:45 pm.

STRAWBERRIES GONE TO SEED

This is a partial list of former Killer Strawberries, or "Strawberries Gone to Seed." If you can think of any more names please comment and add the names.

Mike Pettigrew, Don McLEan, Denis Perron, Derek Erickson, Ruth Dillabough, Lori Springall, Amanda Bradford, Brian Hoult, Harry Burton, Bryan Anderson, Dean Haley, Rick Bishop, Roy Coxshead, Dan Cote, Mark Merrit, Duane Walpole, Reg Neeposh, Sylvain Cote, Steve O'Farrell, Cedric Deschamps, Kim Nguyen, Phil Popp, Kevin Roy, Justin Mathias, Jonathon Witt, Craig Vanier, Paul Cunningham, Greg Horner, Karen Bates, Jesse Demaine, Frank (from up north), Guy from the Soo who played midget, Dave Richmond, Sluggo, John Groulx,

Wily Vets Veto Voracious Mooser Victory Designs

Game Report
Killer Strawberries Hockey And Gentlemen's Club
By Ice Marshal Walpole


Despite prognostications to the contrary by experts in the field of hockeyology, the Killer Strawberries continued their winning ways with a magnificent, come-from-behind victory over a hungry squad of rabid Moosers, the best dressed team in the league by a wide margin. And not just any come-from-behind victory either! Once again, the Strawbs were victims of the kind of absenteeism currently rampant in Rob The Torch's Friday morning classes and all of Butcher Brophey's classes. With a meager reserve bench strength of 2 (or less when hammered with another flagrantly incompetent call by the Blind Zebras from DeVuonoland), the Strawbs overcame adversity to notch, in the words of one long time observer currently residing in a lock down unit at the north end of North Bay, the sweetest victory since Pyjama Man Gibbons overcame his over the counter drug abuse problem and turned his life around.


Jon Jean Jawn, using his loosely patented Savardian spinarama move, perfected in the countless wee hours of a rather poor and cold and dull Kirkland Lake upbringing, finally found the back of the net, a spot not unfamiliar to the above mentioned Pyjama Man who also scored to keep his one game scoring streak alive. The surprise of the evening came when Magnesium Man Buchwald, whose last name, translated from the Low German, means something like "the little strip of scraggy hedge in the front yard that dogs and drunkards like to piss on on the way home from the Gasthaus", put the Strawbs up for good with a deke move that can only be described as difficult to emulate in a gravitational field. Magnesium Man was so impressed with his unusual exploit that he found it necessary to repeatly regale the post game attendees with accounts of his prowess, which accounts became more outrageous with each telling. Should the final version of his story make it out to an unsuspecting public, let it be known that:

a) his leg was not broken,
b) there were not 16 guys piled upon his back from the blueline in, and
c) he did not nudge the puck into the net with the loose set of false teeth he was wearing, which false teeth were supposedly inherited from his Oma on his mother's side.

Jesse The Leak played his second best game of the year and has been invited to return for the next match on November 10, having copped First Star Honours and all.

At the post game festivities, attended by Freight Train Laronde, the "pissed on hedge guy" and Ice Marshall Walpole, it was unanimously agreed that girls have been, for the most part, a fine addition to life on this planet and that the Bible was originally written in Aramaic, Greek and Hebrew by Carl Sagan. Four jugs and a plate of natchos were consumed.

Next game is November 10 at 9:30.

One of the best Strawberry teams ever, the "Almost Undefeated Year."

A motley crew of Strawberries.

Old, Ripe Strawbs