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Sunday, November 12, 2006

Strawbs Choke On Duck Confite

Game Report-Nov. 9, 2006

Ducks 7, Strawberries 3

With 1:31 left to play in a mediocre match against a strong Ducks squad, the 2 most brilliant zebras in the league, Refs Giggles and Narcissus NoNuts, graduates cum laude of the Robbie deVuono School of High Performance Refereeing, decided to send the second of a pair of less than gruntled Strawberries to stew and cuss in the ice cold shower of Dressing Room #3. The game was not allowed to come to its natural termination because the much maligned Strawbs found themselves without the requisite minimum number of players needed to continue the game under rule 12.3, subsection 41bII, of the Super Solipsistic Ever Evolving Canadore College Hockey Code (the SSEECCHC). While it is highly improbable that the remaining intrepid Strawberries would have mounted a comeback of any description, given their deleterious depletion and the fabulously faulty eyesight of the usually reliable Jesse "The Leak", it would have been nice to have given the fan her full money’s worth. Sorry Magnesium Girl. Your boyfriend left you unsatisfied again.

Dressing Room #3 was a somber and whiny place after the game, to such an extent that the Ice Marshall was forced to remind the crybabies in the room that it had been at least 4 years since anyone present had suckled at his mother’s or wet nurse’s breast and that they had better get used to facing adversity with a more serene and stoic outlook. The bickering ceased immediately and plans were quickly made for a post-game trip to the Terminal Tavren.

At the team’s favourite watering hole, the customary comraderie was summarily re-established and the egregiously truthful fawning and flaying continued unabated until the team’s new (and hopefully short-lived) 11:30pm curfew. It was decided at the post-game wrap up that Strawbs’ dormant Punitive Measures Act should be revived and applied cruelly and unusually in cases of unexcused absences such as occurred on this night. Had Dr. Thug, Pyjama Man , Gawdawful Gumby, Wanderin’ Warren, Rob “The Torch” and Magnesium Boy had their way, absentees Freight Train 444, Butcher Brophey, Achilles Perron, The Golden Fleece and Whoahorny would have been publicly shot, drawn and quartered and compelled to pay the exhorbitant yet fair $3 NoShow Levy before being allowed to lace them up for the next game. Fortunately for the attendance challenged Strawbs, Ice Marshall Walpole invoked his doublesupersecret veto to quash the ill-advised motion and instead suggested that A535 be surreptitiously applied to no-shows jockstraps prior to the next tilt. The suggestion was accepted and delayed gratification is eagerly awaited.

4 jugs and 12 chicken wings were consumed. A collection was taken up for the A535 and was promptly oversubscribed.

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