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Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Strawbs Take Down Team Up

Game Report Nov. 13, 2006

Strawberries Win By Default

Team Up, the Radio Arts hockey squad, failed to show up in sufficient numbers last night and the Killer Strawberries were forced to add another win to its total for the year. This was not good news for a team looking to play in the Canadore OHL, the less vulgar of the Canadore intramural leagues. Nevertheless, the Strawbs, accustomed to winning any way it can, used the freed up ice to hone its substantial hockey. The ever astute Vice Ice, acting with unusual alactrity upon receiving the late breaking news that Team Up would be notable by its absence later in the evening, set up an exhibition game against a group of ragtag wastrels from his late afternoon class. The Wastrels, bolstered by the underappreciated skills and hockey acumen of the Ice Marshall, went on annihilate the flustered Strawberries by a score of 5004 to 7. It wasn’t as though the Strawberries did not try. They did their best on this evening and their tawdry performance could be excused on the basis that, most of the time, they were left gasping and awstruck by the the artistry and flowing grace of the opposition, led by the Ice Marshall himself who contributed 2007 or 2008 of the 5004 goals. “I tried to hold back as best I could under the circumstances” reported the IM to the fan in attendance.

After the match, Jesse “The Leak”, shellshocked and sunburned by the constant flashing of the red light at his end of the rink, was booked into the team’s Mental & Physical Rehab facility in Paduka, Arkansas, home to the world’s largest dildo collection. It is hoped that the rehab stint will return the bedraggled puck stopper to his erstwhile magnificence and help him quit sucking his thumbs as well.

As noted earlier, there was a fan at the game, even though Fan Appreciation Night is still a couple of months off. The fan was, of course, none other was Mrs. Bonehead Butcher Brophey who had come looking for the husband. Apparently the Butcher had forgotten to lift the toilet seat at home at about 7pm, leaving on the seat a small liquid reminder of his recent bathroom usage. The Mrs. did not cotton to this vile act of unhygienic discourtesy and screamed over to the rink in her refurbished Lada DuctTape Edition to find and excoriate the perpetrator. At the end of the game, The Butcher was seen and heard being yanked out the arena by his ear to face some unpleasant music at home. The Strawbs’ prayers of intercession must have been heard by the gods of hockey because 20 minutes later the Butcher pair showed up all lovey-dovey at the Terminal Tavren and ordered colour matching Shirley Temples. We can only speculate on the reasons why things turned as they did but certain theories put forward (out of the Mrs.’ earshot) are very likely to be true. The Butcher himself would not comment other than mumble something incomprehensible about the small size of a Lada’s back seat.

Next game is this Thursday at 9:45. Maybe this time, Pyjama Man can haul his sorry ass off the couch and make a contribution.

4 jugs, 1.5 Kilkennies, 2 Shirley Temples and 12 chicken wings (seasoned) were consumed.

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