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Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Strawbs Get Bombed-No One Claims Responsibility

Game Report Nov. 20, 2006

Aviators 5 Strawbs 1

It is axiomatic that you don’t take a pee shooter to a knife fight or take your grandma to an orgy (unless you’re just dropping her off). The results of either faux pas can easily be predicted. In the same vein, a proud hockey team cannot expect to keep winning when half its team stays home on game night to suckle bonbons with the Missus. There have been too many Strawberry bonbon suckers as of late and the team’s executive is not pleased.

Last night, despite the valiant efforts of those few assembled under the Strawberry banner, the squad suffered an ignominious defeat at the hands of team it could have beaten. Except for Gawdawful Gumby, who played as confusedly as a starving Hindu in a hamburger factory, the Strawbs who bothered to show up gave it a collective 115.52% in an effort to secure a long awaited victory. Alas, our intrepid skaters were out of breath by the end of the warmup and fought like cuckolded jackanapes over the single oxygen machine located at the defencemen’s end of the bench. It was not a pretty sight as Gumby, determined to hog as much of the aerated elixir as possible, kept lighting up what looked like soggy cigarette butts sent to him by Smokie Hill as a peace offering for a long forgotten off ice transgression (the incident in question is still being investigated by Special Envoy Yasser Arafat).

At the end of the match, there was a telegram awaiting Ice Marshall Walpole, originating from the Aloha Baby Compound in Oahu. While the full contents of the missive were not divulged, IMW did hint that he was being summoned to Hawaii to do some “Splainin’”. The Vice Ice wondered aloud whether the timing of the summons could be deemed suspect as the IMW’s predicted arrival time in Hawaii will coincide with that of the three Dallas cheerleaders recently expunged from the Cowboys Pep Squad for “salacious and inflammatory behaviour unbecoming young Christian women.” “Pure coincidence” replied a steely voiced IMW. “I’m going to the Compound to save your sorry butts”.

Although the Strawbs did suffer another deplorable loss on the year, IMW was effusive in his praise of his teammates as he boarded the team’s private jet, Stiffy One, at Jack Garland Airport, following the habitual post game debriefing at the Terminal Tavren. He was quoted as pontificating so… “ Mag Boy skated like a youthful yet somewhat deranged Barishnykov, Dr. Thug sent pretty passes, sometimes to his own teammates, Pyjama Man was flamboyant and feisty in his febrility, Wanderin’ Warren wandered well and often, Freight Train 444 kept both hands on his stick as one after another of the Aviators bid him adieu at our blueline, the Vice Ice hardly swore at his exhausted teammates for failing to cover up his egregious strategic defensive errors and Jesse “The Leak” let in fewer goals tonight that anyone expected given his recent performances”. “I don’t want to talk about Gumby…he knows what he did and why he did it. Sometimes the indefensible speaks for itself.”

“As for the sorry SOB’s who failed to show tonight, I have only one thing to say: Vous me fendez les fesses, especes de gigots de vaches”, which in rough translation means show up next time or you won’t be attending the Christmas Gala.

2 jugs of Guinness, 2 jugs of Keith’s, 12 chicken wings and some lame excuses were consumed.

Next game : Thursday, November 23 @ 9:30pm

1 comment:

Denis Buchwald said...

Bobs French Quote,
Electronic Transalation reveals that bob said

"You split me the buttocks, species of legs of cows"