News Flash!!!!
This just in ... Strawbs play wrong team in 1st round of playoff, as do Ducks and Crazy Puckers. It seems the correct standings have the Strawbs finisheing in 3rd, the Puckers in 4th, the Aviation in 5th and the Ducks in 6th. According to the schedule the Strwbs should have played the Ducks and the Puckers should have flown with Aviation. Too bad for both the Ducks and Aviation as they were both winners of the wrong games. Strawbs management is on the case. Any "fixes" to this developing story will be posted as they occur.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
THUD
Feb. 27, 2006 - Game Report
Dreams of playoff glory came to a sudden, unexpected halt last night, as the Strawbs found themselves on the short end of a 5-3 game (1 empty net goal) against a team of 500 Aviators bent on trying to atone for the National team’s loss in Turino.
At the post game rehash at the Terminal Tavren, no single reason could be found for the failure to advance. As a matter of fact, except for Butcher Brophey, who missed his 10th game in a row in order to attend his deportation hearing in Ottawa, all the Strawberries were effusive in their praise of their team mates, even to the point of bald faced prevarication. Pyjama Man, who had the game of a lifetime (an aardvark’s lifetime) told The Torch that his defence was immaculate and shiny. Gawdawful Gumby noted that Magnesium Boy (formerly known as Magnesium Man) had the best taped sticks on either team. Magnesium Boy responded that Gumby was his hero sans pareil, and as such, his words meant so much to him, that he was dedicating his next game to Gumby’s everlasting honour. Freight Train was of the opinion that just being in the company of so many illustrious Strawbs made the beer taste colder and the nachos spicier, even if they just finished stinking out Palangio Arenas with a performance worthy of the Togo national under 5 hockey team. Since nobody could remember where Togo was, it was taken as a compliment and Freight Train’s health toasted forthwith. The Ice Marshall congratulated Smokey Hill on his efforts to cut back to 5 packs a day (including 1 between periods of most games) and on his serious addiction reduction work while he toiled for a short time with the Nasty Cupcakes in January. As everyone knows, the Ice Marshall has been able to almost overcome a serious addiction of his own, namely his tireless promotion of world peace, social harmony and the pursuit of justice in all its many splendored forms. He is down to 15 hours per day do-gooding. Dr. Thug, a karmic victim this year of some terrible bodychecks from the girl he creamed into the boards 2 years ago, was just happy to remember the names of his team mates, having suffered 45 concussions in his storied career, 4 this year alone. He makes Eric Lindros look like a sissy. Jon Jean John (Yawn) was praised for making the mesh bulge brilliantly on a breakaway in the first period of the game. Unfortunately the mesh was that nylon stuff they installed behind the nets to keep wayward pucks from leaving the rink. The Love Glove, impersonating the Invisible Man, did not make it to the Terminal Tavren because his mom made him go home to clean his room and wash behind his ears. He was certainly the cleanest player on the Strawbs this year and will most assuredly be receiving the team’s coveted Mr. Sterile Award at the club’s end of season “do” at Vice Ice’s Compound For Wayward Adults. Butcher Brophey, a surprise non-contributor in the club’s last 2 games, was proclaimed the team’s best foreign traveler and will most certainly need his peerless voyaging skills as he rides the club’s farm team’s farm team’s bus across the Yukon next year. And finally, what can be said about our goaler, Jesse “Sprunga Leak”, that hasn’t already been said. It’s always the goalie’s fault. Gumby said it best... "mal qui est qui mal y pense".
6 jugs and 1 large humble pie were consumed.
Next game: wait by the phone.
Feb. 27, 2006 - Game Report
Dreams of playoff glory came to a sudden, unexpected halt last night, as the Strawbs found themselves on the short end of a 5-3 game (1 empty net goal) against a team of 500 Aviators bent on trying to atone for the National team’s loss in Turino.
At the post game rehash at the Terminal Tavren, no single reason could be found for the failure to advance. As a matter of fact, except for Butcher Brophey, who missed his 10th game in a row in order to attend his deportation hearing in Ottawa, all the Strawberries were effusive in their praise of their team mates, even to the point of bald faced prevarication. Pyjama Man, who had the game of a lifetime (an aardvark’s lifetime) told The Torch that his defence was immaculate and shiny. Gawdawful Gumby noted that Magnesium Boy (formerly known as Magnesium Man) had the best taped sticks on either team. Magnesium Boy responded that Gumby was his hero sans pareil, and as such, his words meant so much to him, that he was dedicating his next game to Gumby’s everlasting honour. Freight Train was of the opinion that just being in the company of so many illustrious Strawbs made the beer taste colder and the nachos spicier, even if they just finished stinking out Palangio Arenas with a performance worthy of the Togo national under 5 hockey team. Since nobody could remember where Togo was, it was taken as a compliment and Freight Train’s health toasted forthwith. The Ice Marshall congratulated Smokey Hill on his efforts to cut back to 5 packs a day (including 1 between periods of most games) and on his serious addiction reduction work while he toiled for a short time with the Nasty Cupcakes in January. As everyone knows, the Ice Marshall has been able to almost overcome a serious addiction of his own, namely his tireless promotion of world peace, social harmony and the pursuit of justice in all its many splendored forms. He is down to 15 hours per day do-gooding. Dr. Thug, a karmic victim this year of some terrible bodychecks from the girl he creamed into the boards 2 years ago, was just happy to remember the names of his team mates, having suffered 45 concussions in his storied career, 4 this year alone. He makes Eric Lindros look like a sissy. Jon Jean John (Yawn) was praised for making the mesh bulge brilliantly on a breakaway in the first period of the game. Unfortunately the mesh was that nylon stuff they installed behind the nets to keep wayward pucks from leaving the rink. The Love Glove, impersonating the Invisible Man, did not make it to the Terminal Tavren because his mom made him go home to clean his room and wash behind his ears. He was certainly the cleanest player on the Strawbs this year and will most assuredly be receiving the team’s coveted Mr. Sterile Award at the club’s end of season “do” at Vice Ice’s Compound For Wayward Adults. Butcher Brophey, a surprise non-contributor in the club’s last 2 games, was proclaimed the team’s best foreign traveler and will most certainly need his peerless voyaging skills as he rides the club’s farm team’s farm team’s bus across the Yukon next year. And finally, what can be said about our goaler, Jesse “Sprunga Leak”, that hasn’t already been said. It’s always the goalie’s fault. Gumby said it best... "mal qui est qui mal y pense".
6 jugs and 1 large humble pie were consumed.
Next game: wait by the phone.
Jesse The Leak Records Shutout
Strawbs Win 10-0 Against Crazy Puckers
Feb.23, 2006 - Game Report
Crazy Puckers show up without a goalie, a huge mistake. Strawbs smell blood. Score 10 unanswered goals while trying to keep the score down. Retire to Terminal Tavren. Consumption slightly above average. Await playoffs.
Strawbs Win 10-0 Against Crazy Puckers
Feb.23, 2006 - Game Report
Crazy Puckers show up without a goalie, a huge mistake. Strawbs smell blood. Score 10 unanswered goals while trying to keep the score down. Retire to Terminal Tavren. Consumption slightly above average. Await playoffs.
Friday, February 24, 2006
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Strawbs Storm To Victory
Game Report - February 16, 2006
With the help of a little snow job, the Strawbs won their second game of the new year, by default, over a short handed squad from Sturgeon. The luckless roe producers could not ice a full team because the highway between North Bay and Sturgeon Falls was covered with snow 16 feet deep: a case of unnecessary Divine Intervention.
The painless victory brings the Strawbs’ new year’s record (January to present) to .500 and leaves them in either first or second place for the whole year, thanks to its pre-Christmas juggernaut.
8 donkless Strawbs showed up to Pete Palangio arenas to ensure the default victory. They proceeded to play an exhibition game against a pickup team of stragglers, hobos and other miscreants and trounced the hapless ragtag conglomeration by a score of 100-1, with IMW scoring 99 of the Strawbs’ goals. The rest of the Strawberries were too busy on the bench learning how to inhale contraband Captain Black cigarellos brought to the arena by Smokey Hill in his quest to drag the rest of the team down to his level pulmonary fitness. The coughing got so bad no one was able to attend any post game festivities. IMW was not pleased.
0 jugs consumed, an ignominious team record
Next game: February 23 at 9:45 pm.
Game Report - February 16, 2006
With the help of a little snow job, the Strawbs won their second game of the new year, by default, over a short handed squad from Sturgeon. The luckless roe producers could not ice a full team because the highway between North Bay and Sturgeon Falls was covered with snow 16 feet deep: a case of unnecessary Divine Intervention.
The painless victory brings the Strawbs’ new year’s record (January to present) to .500 and leaves them in either first or second place for the whole year, thanks to its pre-Christmas juggernaut.
8 donkless Strawbs showed up to Pete Palangio arenas to ensure the default victory. They proceeded to play an exhibition game against a pickup team of stragglers, hobos and other miscreants and trounced the hapless ragtag conglomeration by a score of 100-1, with IMW scoring 99 of the Strawbs’ goals. The rest of the Strawberries were too busy on the bench learning how to inhale contraband Captain Black cigarellos brought to the arena by Smokey Hill in his quest to drag the rest of the team down to his level pulmonary fitness. The coughing got so bad no one was able to attend any post game festivities. IMW was not pleased.
0 jugs consumed, an ignominious team record
Next game: February 23 at 9:45 pm.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Fan Appreciation Night A Huge SuccessAviators Gun Down Feuding Strawbs 5-4
Game Report
February 9, 2006
While the Strawbs put in what one observer described as a “limp and fatuous” performance on the ice, the close 5-4 loss was overshadowed by two unprecedented events.
By using that underrated yet highly effective marketing tool called “Doin’Diddley Squat Promotion,” the team ran its first ever Fan Appreciation Night which swelled its 2005-2006 attendance record to 5, its highest cumulative annual attendance since 1992, when a rowdy troupe of disoriented and jet-lagged and wandering Japanese karaoke singers inadvertently mistook Pete Palangio arenas for the Capitol Centre.
Two intrepid and possibly pre-inebriated fans, sisters from the less respectable arm of the Alcorn clan, were in attendance to cheer on the Vice Ice Marshall, Rob “The Torch” Greenfield. While their enthusiasm was much to be admired, their choice of exhortations was, to say the least, explicit and imaginative in its use of terms more befitting an evening at the alternative ballet. To his credit, “The Torch” attempted to ramp up his game to the level of “tepid”, in an effort to impress the assembled soigné crowd. Unfortunately, his efforts fell short and in his own words, uttered with an unsettling hint of pride at the terminal tavren (yes, tavren), appraised his performance as follows: “I played like sh#t…all I did was win a couple of faceoffs”. Although no one could recall any face-offs won by the hapless centre, all agreed with the rest of his self-evaluation (even though some were of the opinion that the scatological term used by the VIM did not go quite go far enough), which brings us to the second unprecedented event.
It is an unusual occurrence for a Strawb to criticize another Strawb. Yet what happened in the team’s dressing room after the game bordered on ugly. Ice Marshall Walpole, just freshly returned from negotiating a peace settlement between the Palestinians and the Israelis, attributed the matter to pent up pressure resulting from the team’s overwhelming desire to bring home the Cup this year or to quote him more accurately, “it was a subconscious overtly-revelatory manifestion of innate pre-concurrence distress syndrome, not seen since the 1942 Olympic Hockey Gold run up in Goosergood, Germany.” “It is known be to cured with a cold Guinness served soon after the incident”. The proposed cure was quickly agreed and acted upon. But to get back to the ugly occurrence. Gumby Pettigrew, entirely blameless for the loss (in his own humble estimation) sparked the heated conflagration by noting that The Torch appeared to be content to model his game upon a leisurely stroll on Trout Lake on a sun-speckled winter afternoon. Fortunately, The Torch was not in the room to hear this spurious and outrageous heresy. Freight Train Laronde took up the Torch’s cause by commenting that he thought the use of the expression “sun-speckled” was unjustified and unfair. Pyjama Man, who had just finished lighting a stogey for Smokey Hill by sparking together the blades of his skates, retorted that he believed The Torch reminded him of Cliff Claven of ‘Cheers’ fame, both for The Torch’s physical resemblance to the revered mailman and for the way each of these icons plays the game. Then, someone claimed to hear the whispered phrase “forced retirement”. Luckily, upon seeing that his and Pyjama Man’s comments may have been out of place, Gumby then noted, in his stentorian yet mellifluous voice, that, while the aviators appeared to have had too many goalies plugging up the net, the “Strawbs didn’t have enough.” Magnesium Man, the team’s self-appointed guru of whatever is on his mind, was prescient enough to see where the ugliness was leading and quickly pointed out that the universe was created by Carl Sagan…this from a guy who played with all the finesse of a rain-slicked sidewalk. In any event, MM’s astute observation was enough to derail the insultfest…just in time because Jon Jean John Jawn (Yawn) was ready to lambaste Butcher Brophey for failing to get the puck to him in an important situation that nobody could remember or cared about. Finally, cooler heads prevailed when Freight Train pointed out that time was getting to be short and that the terminal tavren (yes, tavren) would be closing in less than 3 hours.
The Alcorn sisters, using their unparalleled wit, guile and dirty tricks, changed the post game venue to one of their own liking, forcing the team to congregate at their third choice for the evening, prompting one unnamed Strawb to rename the occasion “The Alcorn Sisters Take-Over Night”. By the end of the soiree, all ruffled feathers were smoothed and harmony reigned in Carl Sagan’s universe. Sister Pam Alcorn summed it up best, “It was a great game. It just slipped away from you. Things are always slipping away from me. What colour should I dye my hair this time?”
9 jugs and a lot of chickens were sacrificed in the name of team unity.
Next game is Thursday, February 16 at some time in the evening.
PS Love Glove: We know you missed the game because of your double vasectomy/appendectomy. Hope you can make it next week.
Rusty Report to the Nasty Cupcakes for conditioning asap
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Monday, February 06, 2006
Monday, January 30, 2006
Rusty Derelict Fails To Impress
Dejected Ducks Dumped 10-2
Game Report - January 26, 2006
In his maiden game of the season, "Rusty Derelict" Erickson was rather a disappointment on and off the ice. Fortunately, the rest of the squad, led by a rejuvenated, medicated and merciless Rob "The Torch" Greenfield, managed to squeeze out a 10-2 victory over a goalie-less and humourless debauch of disheartened Ducks who complained stridently, loudly and relentlessly about the fact that the proud Strawbs, intent on propelling its juggernaut to the Cup, kept putting the puck, often inadvertently, into their net ... imagine that!
It was apparent from the get go that Rusty was just emerging from a long Sudbury brain freeze as he attempted to keep up with the free wheeling Strawberry forwards, each of whom is in peak physical and psychological condition, awaiting the inevitable call from the brass of the Olympic Hockey team. It had been hoped that Rusty might fill in at least not too inadequately for Benedict Arnold Gawdawful Gumby and the ever unreliable Butcher Brophey, but, alas, such was not to be the case. The hapless Rusty played as if he had walked along the highway in his skates all the way from Sudbury to attend the match. During the game, he slipped, tripped, fell, self-concussed and skedaddled wildly about, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. His performance at the terminal tavren (yes, tavren) was equally inept as he failed to pick up the team's tab, in what surely can no longer be called a simple rookie mistake. Rusty has been around long enough to know what constitutes proper etiquette in a situation where one's maiden game occurs in mid-season. Obviously, he no longer relies on his maidenhead.
With the Ducks' goalie AWOL, The Torch got his first three goals of the year, all the while attempting to up-play his feat by telling his team mates he wasn't even trying to score. We have spent years watching him trying to score, and he was trying to score. Although he has lifetime diplomatic immunity with the Strawbs as the Vice Ice Marshall For Life, he cannot have been unaware of the less than discreet rumblings in the dressing concerning his lack of output over the last 2 years. As he so delicately put it to the rumblers at game's end ... "You can stick my goals tonight anywhere you'd like, ... preferably (undecipherable). A goal is a goal and don't you boneheads ever forget it."
Jesse The Leak was once again stellar, as the Ducks, with more skaters than the Strawbs on the ice at all times, still managed some excellent forays into Strawbs' territory. He has been asked to come for the next game and rumour has it that he will probably get to start the game after that.
Jon Jean John spent more time on his gluteus maximus than all other players combined. Apparently, in Kirkland Lake, the backwater from which he hails, real hockey players only get their skates sharpened once per season. A fund has been set up to raise sufficient funds for JJJ to get his blades tuned before next game. Send cash to IMW, c/o The JJJ Entertainment Fund, at 100 College, North Bay, ON. No donation can be too big.
At the post game wrap up, 1 Bass, 4 Stella, 1 Keiths and something else from the beer phyllum were consumed. Oh yeah, almost forgot. The Torch nursed a hot toddy (a friggin hot toddy, for gawdsakes). He claimed to have a bad cold. What a baby!
Next game: Thursday, Feb. 9 at 8:45
Dejected Ducks Dumped 10-2
Game Report - January 26, 2006
In his maiden game of the season, "Rusty Derelict" Erickson was rather a disappointment on and off the ice. Fortunately, the rest of the squad, led by a rejuvenated, medicated and merciless Rob "The Torch" Greenfield, managed to squeeze out a 10-2 victory over a goalie-less and humourless debauch of disheartened Ducks who complained stridently, loudly and relentlessly about the fact that the proud Strawbs, intent on propelling its juggernaut to the Cup, kept putting the puck, often inadvertently, into their net ... imagine that!
It was apparent from the get go that Rusty was just emerging from a long Sudbury brain freeze as he attempted to keep up with the free wheeling Strawberry forwards, each of whom is in peak physical and psychological condition, awaiting the inevitable call from the brass of the Olympic Hockey team. It had been hoped that Rusty might fill in at least not too inadequately for Benedict Arnold Gawdawful Gumby and the ever unreliable Butcher Brophey, but, alas, such was not to be the case. The hapless Rusty played as if he had walked along the highway in his skates all the way from Sudbury to attend the match. During the game, he slipped, tripped, fell, self-concussed and skedaddled wildly about, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. His performance at the terminal tavren (yes, tavren) was equally inept as he failed to pick up the team's tab, in what surely can no longer be called a simple rookie mistake. Rusty has been around long enough to know what constitutes proper etiquette in a situation where one's maiden game occurs in mid-season. Obviously, he no longer relies on his maidenhead.
With the Ducks' goalie AWOL, The Torch got his first three goals of the year, all the while attempting to up-play his feat by telling his team mates he wasn't even trying to score. We have spent years watching him trying to score, and he was trying to score. Although he has lifetime diplomatic immunity with the Strawbs as the Vice Ice Marshall For Life, he cannot have been unaware of the less than discreet rumblings in the dressing concerning his lack of output over the last 2 years. As he so delicately put it to the rumblers at game's end ... "You can stick my goals tonight anywhere you'd like, ... preferably (undecipherable). A goal is a goal and don't you boneheads ever forget it."
Jesse The Leak was once again stellar, as the Ducks, with more skaters than the Strawbs on the ice at all times, still managed some excellent forays into Strawbs' territory. He has been asked to come for the next game and rumour has it that he will probably get to start the game after that.
Jon Jean John spent more time on his gluteus maximus than all other players combined. Apparently, in Kirkland Lake, the backwater from which he hails, real hockey players only get their skates sharpened once per season. A fund has been set up to raise sufficient funds for JJJ to get his blades tuned before next game. Send cash to IMW, c/o The JJJ Entertainment Fund, at 100 College, North Bay, ON. No donation can be too big.
At the post game wrap up, 1 Bass, 4 Stella, 1 Keiths and something else from the beer phyllum were consumed. Oh yeah, almost forgot. The Torch nursed a hot toddy (a friggin hot toddy, for gawdsakes). He claimed to have a bad cold. What a baby!
Next game: Thursday, Feb. 9 at 8:45
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Killer Strawbs Go Commercial (DOT COM)
At our last post game outing some members pooled together the funds for the registry of the domain name http://www.killerstrawberries.com/. Was that supposed to be the tip money?
I didn't think a dot com was available and that we would have to settle for a dot ca, but for some reason no other organization, until now, has capitalized on the availability of this domain name.
As of Jan 24 2006 8:45PM The Killer Strawberries Hockey Club paid for, with tip money, and registered (under my name) the domain name http://www.killerstrawberries.com/ The address now re-directs to our free Google blog so start using the new name. Like every other addictive get rich quick scheme, lets make some money and retire.
PS. Don’t sit there all day and click on the ads, as Google will revoke our account.
I didn't think a dot com was available and that we would have to settle for a dot ca, but for some reason no other organization, until now, has capitalized on the availability of this domain name.
As of Jan 24 2006 8:45PM The Killer Strawberries Hockey Club paid for, with tip money, and registered (under my name) the domain name http://www.killerstrawberries.com/ The address now re-directs to our free Google blog so start using the new name. Like every other addictive get rich quick scheme, lets make some money and retire.
PS. Don’t sit there all day and click on the ads, as Google will revoke our account.
Monday, January 23, 2006
Pleasure Craft Card
Get your pleasure craft card while it is still 25 bucks http://www.theoperatorcard.ca
A) In the SPRING of 2006, "At Home" testing will be discontinued. Registration now ensures testing under the present system even after the changes take effect.
A) In the SPRING of 2006, "At Home" testing will be discontinued. Registration now ensures testing under the present system even after the changes take effect.
B) Future testing will only be conducted:
- at set times
- at sanctioned testing centres
- using a standardized lengthy test and course
C) We will continue to provide "At Home" testing, the present and existing system, to those registered before the expected 2006 spring change date.
BTW our site's earnings.... Total Earnings: $2.49
Friday, January 20, 2006
Smokey Returns Triumphant
Game Report - January 19, 2006
With the unexpected self-inflicted mental injury to Gawdawful Gumby, the Strawbs were forced to recall a repentant “Smokey” Hill from its farm club’s farm club, the Nasty Cupcakes, in order to bolster its roster for last night’s tilt against the resurgent Dirty Stallions. It would appear Smokey spent his last week in Backwater, NWT, working hard on his game, and his performance did not disappoint in the Strawberries hard-fought 1-1 tie. “I told you I’d be back,” he ventured timourously before the game. “Jon Jean John’s video, “How To Score Goals With No Shot and Little Talent,” was truly an eye-opener. His techniques are astounding. I just don't understand why he hasn’t scored any of his own goals since early November. He certainly knows how to talk a good game, and his video is well titled. I’ll just chalk it up to hubris.” Apparently, Smokey, in addition to honing his game while exiled to Backwater, picked up some new vocabulary which should serve him well as he jaws away with opposition players while he serves one of his many future coincidental minors in the sin bin. Hubris indeed.
Jesse “the Leak” strengthened his case for a contract extension through February with a stellar performance between the pipes. With a little more practice picking up the team’s not inconsenquential bar tabs at the terminal tavren (yes, tavren), he could become a team fixture. Speaking of fixtures, both the Love Glove and Magnesium Man played with all the dexterity of table lamps, as each of them failed to bulge the twine on the breakaways. Management is seriously considering benching both these players until they can show more scoring prowess.
In a move designed to awe the multitude of fans in attendance, The Torch pulled off a rather nifty play designed to keep Jesse the Leak on his toes, a true stroke of genius in a game where the Strawbs were trailing by one goal late in the last period. In a move reminiscent of Edgar "the Bull" Balachine in the 1932 World Cup Hockey Summit Series in Buggarme, Togo, the stalwart defenceman, a term applied loosely here, decided to fall down while defending inside his own blue line, thus giving a two man break to a pair of streaking Stallions. Fortunately, the Leak was up for the challenge and stopped 16 shots while waiting for the prone Torch to get up off his fat ass and rush to his assistance.
Nobody else did anything worthwhile or noteworthy, except for the Ice Marshall who continues to impress the scouts with his legerdemain, on ice savvy and goods looks.
8 jugs of Keith’s, 3 Guinness, 4 plates of nachos, 3 heaps of chicken wings and 1 platter of limp calamari (whatever that is) were consumed.
Next game : Thursday, January 26 at 8:45.
Game Report - January 19, 2006
With the unexpected self-inflicted mental injury to Gawdawful Gumby, the Strawbs were forced to recall a repentant “Smokey” Hill from its farm club’s farm club, the Nasty Cupcakes, in order to bolster its roster for last night’s tilt against the resurgent Dirty Stallions. It would appear Smokey spent his last week in Backwater, NWT, working hard on his game, and his performance did not disappoint in the Strawberries hard-fought 1-1 tie. “I told you I’d be back,” he ventured timourously before the game. “Jon Jean John’s video, “How To Score Goals With No Shot and Little Talent,” was truly an eye-opener. His techniques are astounding. I just don't understand why he hasn’t scored any of his own goals since early November. He certainly knows how to talk a good game, and his video is well titled. I’ll just chalk it up to hubris.” Apparently, Smokey, in addition to honing his game while exiled to Backwater, picked up some new vocabulary which should serve him well as he jaws away with opposition players while he serves one of his many future coincidental minors in the sin bin. Hubris indeed.
Jesse “the Leak” strengthened his case for a contract extension through February with a stellar performance between the pipes. With a little more practice picking up the team’s not inconsenquential bar tabs at the terminal tavren (yes, tavren), he could become a team fixture. Speaking of fixtures, both the Love Glove and Magnesium Man played with all the dexterity of table lamps, as each of them failed to bulge the twine on the breakaways. Management is seriously considering benching both these players until they can show more scoring prowess.
In a move designed to awe the multitude of fans in attendance, The Torch pulled off a rather nifty play designed to keep Jesse the Leak on his toes, a true stroke of genius in a game where the Strawbs were trailing by one goal late in the last period. In a move reminiscent of Edgar "the Bull" Balachine in the 1932 World Cup Hockey Summit Series in Buggarme, Togo, the stalwart defenceman, a term applied loosely here, decided to fall down while defending inside his own blue line, thus giving a two man break to a pair of streaking Stallions. Fortunately, the Leak was up for the challenge and stopped 16 shots while waiting for the prone Torch to get up off his fat ass and rush to his assistance.
Nobody else did anything worthwhile or noteworthy, except for the Ice Marshall who continues to impress the scouts with his legerdemain, on ice savvy and goods looks.
8 jugs of Keith’s, 3 Guinness, 4 plates of nachos, 3 heaps of chicken wings and 1 platter of limp calamari (whatever that is) were consumed.
Next game : Thursday, January 26 at 8:45.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Strawbs Less Than Almost Undefeated - Smokey Hill Clears Waivers
Game Report January 12, 2006
After a lengthy and weight-gain filled Christmas holiday layoff, the Strawbs came out for its first game of the new year firing on 11 of 12 cylinders and narrowly lost a hotly contested match with the second place Motley Moosers by a score of 3 to 2. According to most of the media types present, the Strawberries were the dominant squad, peppering the poor Moosers' pipetender with more shots than Keith Richards consumed on New Year's Eve, 1969.
None of the shot barrage came off the stick of Smokey Hill, whose one blast from five feet out missed the opposing net by no less than 3 meters, rounding down to the nearest integer. "I don't understand," claimed an apparently puzzled Hill. "I worked on my shot continuously during the break. I even resorted to watching Jon Jean John's obscure home video entitled 'How To Score With Little Talent And A Mediocre Shot. After 4 weeks practice, I could break a mirror from 6 feet, 2 out of 10 times. I was improving."
Smokey's lament unfortunately fell upon deaf ears, and he was placed on waivers with 5 minutes left in the game. As expected, he was not claimed by any of the other teams in the league, and he has been reassigned to the club's farm club's farm club, the Nasty Cupcakes headquartered in Backwaterville, Northwest Territories. "I will work hard to regain the respect of the club's executive. I plan on cutting back to 6 packs a day and only drinking before noon. They'll see. I'll be back", commented an obviously crestfallen Hill.
Santa was good to at least one Strawb over the holidays. Butcher Brophey returned to the new season sporting a jaunty new pair of real hockey pants whose colour was chosen by his long suffering wife to match his "beautiful eyes." He must have chosen his own new socks though ... red silk with pretty yellow tassels and bells which tinkled every time he was beaten by an opposing player. Fashion sense (or any sense for that matter) has never been his forte.
The team was grateful for the effort put in by Freight Train Laronde who broke not just a few speed laws to get to the game in time from a "meeting" in Toronto, or so he claimed. Between Laronde's Herculean efforts, before and during the game, and the somewhat lethargic but almost adequate performance by Dr. Thug, the result should have been more fortunate for the Strawbs.
Nobody else on the team did anything noteworthy on the evening except Magnesium Man who inadvertently threw up on the new waitress at the terminal tavren (yes, tavren). Apparently this is how he marks his territory. Now we know why none of us has ever met his reputed girlfriend, Miss Emesis Basin of Retch Creek, Nevada.
The team learned at the post game conference that it was not just Paris and the fatter Olsen twin who were ensconced at the Aloha Bay Compound in Oahu over the break. Angelina Jolie, sans Brad, was seen frolicking among the palms. Rumour has it that Angelina's recent pregnancy was initiated during her Hawaiian sojourn and that she is considering naming the offspring Icey Marshall Jolie, whether a boy, girl or otherwise. IM Walpole, a married man, when confronted with the news simply stated cryptically, "A gentleman will walk but will not run."
8 pitchers, 3 plates of nachos and 2 lbs of chicken wings were consumed.
Game Report January 12, 2006
After a lengthy and weight-gain filled Christmas holiday layoff, the Strawbs came out for its first game of the new year firing on 11 of 12 cylinders and narrowly lost a hotly contested match with the second place Motley Moosers by a score of 3 to 2. According to most of the media types present, the Strawberries were the dominant squad, peppering the poor Moosers' pipetender with more shots than Keith Richards consumed on New Year's Eve, 1969.
None of the shot barrage came off the stick of Smokey Hill, whose one blast from five feet out missed the opposing net by no less than 3 meters, rounding down to the nearest integer. "I don't understand," claimed an apparently puzzled Hill. "I worked on my shot continuously during the break. I even resorted to watching Jon Jean John's obscure home video entitled 'How To Score With Little Talent And A Mediocre Shot. After 4 weeks practice, I could break a mirror from 6 feet, 2 out of 10 times. I was improving."
Smokey's lament unfortunately fell upon deaf ears, and he was placed on waivers with 5 minutes left in the game. As expected, he was not claimed by any of the other teams in the league, and he has been reassigned to the club's farm club's farm club, the Nasty Cupcakes headquartered in Backwaterville, Northwest Territories. "I will work hard to regain the respect of the club's executive. I plan on cutting back to 6 packs a day and only drinking before noon. They'll see. I'll be back", commented an obviously crestfallen Hill.
Santa was good to at least one Strawb over the holidays. Butcher Brophey returned to the new season sporting a jaunty new pair of real hockey pants whose colour was chosen by his long suffering wife to match his "beautiful eyes." He must have chosen his own new socks though ... red silk with pretty yellow tassels and bells which tinkled every time he was beaten by an opposing player. Fashion sense (or any sense for that matter) has never been his forte.
The team was grateful for the effort put in by Freight Train Laronde who broke not just a few speed laws to get to the game in time from a "meeting" in Toronto, or so he claimed. Between Laronde's Herculean efforts, before and during the game, and the somewhat lethargic but almost adequate performance by Dr. Thug, the result should have been more fortunate for the Strawbs.
Nobody else on the team did anything noteworthy on the evening except Magnesium Man who inadvertently threw up on the new waitress at the terminal tavren (yes, tavren). Apparently this is how he marks his territory. Now we know why none of us has ever met his reputed girlfriend, Miss Emesis Basin of Retch Creek, Nevada.
The team learned at the post game conference that it was not just Paris and the fatter Olsen twin who were ensconced at the Aloha Bay Compound in Oahu over the break. Angelina Jolie, sans Brad, was seen frolicking among the palms. Rumour has it that Angelina's recent pregnancy was initiated during her Hawaiian sojourn and that she is considering naming the offspring Icey Marshall Jolie, whether a boy, girl or otherwise. IM Walpole, a married man, when confronted with the news simply stated cryptically, "A gentleman will walk but will not run."
8 pitchers, 3 plates of nachos and 2 lbs of chicken wings were consumed.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Disaster Averted: "Gumby" Pettigrew Keeps His Moniker...Almost
After furious and often acrimonious negotiations with the trademark holders of the "Gumby" rights worldwide at the Aloha Baby Compound in Oahu, Ice Marshall Walpole has secured a 57 year licence for the use of the name "Gumby" as it" may or may not apply to the public and private persona of any human or quasi human being bearing a passport in the name of Michael Q. Pettigrew the Third and who toils or simulates toil or has, in the past, simulated toil with the world renowned Killer Strawberries Hockey and Gentlemen's Club."
The name can be used for whatever purposes the club sees fit but with one caveat, namely that the appellation "Gumby" must be used in association with the word" Gawdawful".
The team Executive is elated with the result. "I couldn't see myself calling him "Puddinhead" for the rest of my life" said a subdued but obviously relieved Rob "The Torch" Greenfield. He'll always be "Gumby" to me, even if he is gawdawful. Rumour out of Oahu has it that the fatter Olsen twin was also instrumental in brokering the historical deal under the guidance of the Ice Marshall.
"Gawdawful Gumby" Pettigrew could not be reached for comment at the Betty Ford in Minnesota.
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