Following a rousing match of road hockey, Mr. P. and the Butcher discuss the finer points of Newton's 2nd Law of Physics as it relates to hooking, slashing and beer.

On the day before Christmas, the Killer Strawberries give to you: Twelve Paris Hiltons (actually 24), Eleven Ice Marshalls a-steamin', Ten Torches burning, Nine Pajama Men a-stylin', Eight Jesses Leakin', Seven Dr. Bug's a-thuggin', Six Achilles' Perron, Five Smokey Hills, Four Freight Train Larondes, Three Mr. P.'s, Two Magnesium Boys and One Butcher Brophey in an ugly mood.

On the 2nd day before Christmas, the Killer Strawberries give to you: Eleven Ice Marshalls a-steamin', Ten Torches burning, Nine Pajama Men a-stylin', Eight Jesses Leakin', Seven Dr. Bug's a-thuggin', Six Achilles' Perron, Five Smokey Hills, Four Freight Train Larondes, Three Mr. P.'s, Two Magnesium Boys and One Butcher Brophey in an ugly mood.

On the 3rd day before Christmas, the Killer Strawberries give to you: Ten Torches burning, Nine Pajama Men a-stylin', Eight Jesses Leakin', Seven Dr. Bugs a-thuggin', Six Achilles' Perron, Five Smokey Hills, Four Freight Train Larondes, Three Mr. P.'s, Two Magnesium Boys and One Butcher Brophey in an ugly mood.

On the 4th day before Christmas, the Killer Strawberries give to you: Nine Pajama Men a-stylin', Eight Jesses Leakin', Seven Dr. Bug's a-thuggin', Six Achilles' Perron, Five Smokey Hills, Four Freight Train Larondes, Three Mr. P.'s, Two Magnesium Boys and One Butcher Brophey in an ugly mood.

On the 5th day before Christmas, the Killer Strawberries give to you: Eight Jesses Leakin', Seven Dr. Bugs a-thuggin', Six Achilles' Perron, Five Smokey Hills, Four Freight Train Larondes, Three Mr. P.'s, Two Magnesium Boys and One Butcher Brophey in an ugly mood.

On the 6th day before Christmas, the Killer Strawberries give to you: Seven Dr. Bugs a-thuggin', Six Achilles' Perron, Five Smokey Hills, Four Freight Train Larondes, Three Mr. P.'s, Two Magnesium Boys and One Butcher Brophey in an ugly mood.

On the 7th day before Christmas, the Killer Strawberries give to you: Six Achilles' Perron, Five Smokey Hills, Four Freight Train Larondes, Three Mr. P.'s, Two Magnesium Boys and One Butcher Brophey in an ugly mood.

On the 8th day before Christmas, the Killer Strawberries give to you: Five Smokey Hills, Four Freight Train Larondes, Three Mr. P.'s, Two Magnesium Boys and One Butcher Brophey in an ugly mood.

On the 9th day before Christmas, the Killer Strawberries give to you: Four Freight Train Larondes, Three Mr. P's, Two Magnesium Boys and One Butcher Brophey in an ugly mood.

On the 10th day before Christmas, the Killer Strawberries give to you: Three Mr. P's, Two Magnesium Boys, and One Butcher Brophey in an ugly mood.

11 Days

On the 11th day before Christmas, the Killer Strawberries give to you: Two Magnesium Boys and One Butcher Brophey in an ugly mood.

12 Days

On the 12th day before Christmas, the Killer Strawberries give to you: One Butcher Brophey in an ugly mood.

Icemen Finally Goeth Away

Game Report Nov. 27, 2006

Icemen 9 Strawbs 4


It was not without a great sigh of relief that the Killer Strawberries finally saw the last of the Icemen. The fiendish frigid fops flagellated the feckless Strawberry firebrands by a flattering score of of 9 to 4: flattering to the Strawbs who spent the whole evening spinning their heads about their necks like a bunch of demented Linda Blairs on crack cocaine. The Icemen were so quick that the only evidence of their presence on ice was often just wispy contrails of domination and brutally administered humiliation. As Gumby, a budding sage and established smartass, so eloquently put it: “they aren’t getting any younger”. The same of course cannot be said about the Strawbs in general, despite the team’s strict regimen of exercise and Ponce de Leon Youth Supplements.

The game was an unmitigated disaster from start to finish, except for the stellar play of Dr. Thug who potted his first career hat trick. The team’s best fan in history, Miss Go-Go Boots, did not attend the match and had not the courtesy to inform the club of her intended non-attendance, resulting in some very crestfallen players. Butcher Brophey again hurt his team by attempting numerous, unprovoked yet frequently penalized decapitations in his own zone. The Vice Ice tried, vainly, to shrug off 52 years of physical and mental self-abuse. Wanderin’ Warren seemed lost in the barrens and Freight Train 444 Laronde succeeded in pokechecking 0 Icemen in 456 valiant attempts. Jesse “The Leak” secured his one way ticket to Buttface, Alaska for a holiday reconditioning stint with a performance worthy of Black Jack McCormarck, the deaf, dumb and blind canine mascot-goaltender of the now defunct Chilliwack Composters, a team so inept that no trace of them can be found. Pyjama Man was virtually invisible (although his breath gave his presence away with its hint of Aqua Velva and cottage cheese). Even the Ice Marshall had a rare off-game, despite his +3 rating for the night. Magnesium Boy skated like a house on fire and we all know how many goals you get from a house on fire.

Fortunately, the team’s spirits picked up considerably as Freight Train 444 made a welcomed proposition concerning a post game debriefing complete with sarsasparillas and lo-cal nachos. Except for Wanderin’ Warren, the Vice Ice and Pyjama Man, the re-spirited Strawbs sped off to Casey’s to chase the blues away. And away they went. Peace once again reigned in an unfair universe.

6 mugs of Keiths, 1 plate of lo-cal nachos with cheese, 8 chicken wings and a lot of bragging from Dr. Thug were endured.

Tough Muck-nov23-2006

Game Report Nov. 23, 2006

Muck 2 Strawbs 1

A first of Brobdignagian proportions occurred last night at the venerable Pete Palangio Arenas. No, Pyjama Man didn’t, for once, show up without his usual yet disturbing selection from his wife’s intimates drawer, and no, Gumby did not remain silently ineloquent when confronted by bad refereeing. And no, “The Torch” did not ramp up his game to the heights it had once reached when he was a pre-novice. What did happen defied all odds and a long streak of precedent. For the second time in this young and unproductive season, the Strawbs were rooted on by a fan, the same fan as two games previous. Missus Butcher Brophey, resplendent in her new red squirrel coat and matching white Go-Go boots, was at the game to cheer on her main man and presumably his donkless teammates. No one really believes she came for the hockey, as extraordinary as the hockey usually is. Rumour rampant in the dressing post-game held that this beautifully misguided and love starved creature had got wind somehow that it was the Killer Strawberries’ Annual Bob Bon Game and Dressing Room Social. Having run out of her own confectionery stash at home, it is believed she showed up for the candy and a chance to invade the Strawbs’ sacred inner sanctum for a peek at manhood in full bloom. And candy she got: most of it eye candy. She was also the surprise winner of a half eaten box of mediocre chocolates. The other half had been picked over after the game by a sorrowful band of Killer Strawberries who found themselves on the short end of a 2-1 match with a squad called Muck.

As the Dressing Room Social wound down and plans were being made for the habitual trip to the Terminal Tavren, Miss Go-Go Boots was asked by an inquisitive Strawb for her impressions of the on-ice performance of her new favourite team. She was quick to point out that Jesse “The Leak” covered his rebounds much better than he had at her last outing, that Freight Train 444 would be better served not taking penalties at the same rate as her boyfriend/husband/candy provider, and that Dr. Thug played more like Dr. Slug, the criticism delivered in such a mellifluous manner that no one took the slightest offence. To the contrary, the aroused Strawbs hung on to her every utterance and prognostication. When questioned where she had acquired her hockey astuteness, Miss Go-Go Boots informed the half-naked throng that she had once captained a group of wayward nymphomaniac truck mechanics somewhere in the vicinity of Buttface, Alaska, which also happens to be the home of the Strawbs’ farm team’s farm team, the Nasty Cupcakes. After ascertaining that her former team, the Pliant Mattress Backs, were no longer in existence, three requests for a voluntary transfer to the Nasty Cupckakes were immediately withdrawn.

At the Terminal Tavren, the team’s greatest fan in history continued to the regale the assembled with tales of her interesting and salty past. The time flew quickly and her

health was toasted often and heartily. Miss Go-Go Boots is now expected to be a fixture at all future Killer Strawberries games.

3 jugs of Guinness, 3 jugs of Keith’s and some lurid, chocolate induced tales were consumed.

Strawbs Get Bombed-No One Claims Responsibility

Game Report Nov. 20, 2006

Aviators 5 Strawbs 1

It is axiomatic that you don’t take a pee shooter to a knife fight or take your grandma to an orgy (unless you’re just dropping her off). The results of either faux pas can easily be predicted. In the same vein, a proud hockey team cannot expect to keep winning when half its team stays home on game night to suckle bonbons with the Missus. There have been too many Strawberry bonbon suckers as of late and the team’s executive is not pleased.

Last night, despite the valiant efforts of those few assembled under the Strawberry banner, the squad suffered an ignominious defeat at the hands of team it could have beaten. Except for Gawdawful Gumby, who played as confusedly as a starving Hindu in a hamburger factory, the Strawbs who bothered to show up gave it a collective 115.52% in an effort to secure a long awaited victory. Alas, our intrepid skaters were out of breath by the end of the warmup and fought like cuckolded jackanapes over the single oxygen machine located at the defencemen’s end of the bench. It was not a pretty sight as Gumby, determined to hog as much of the aerated elixir as possible, kept lighting up what looked like soggy cigarette butts sent to him by Smokie Hill as a peace offering for a long forgotten off ice transgression (the incident in question is still being investigated by Special Envoy Yasser Arafat).

At the end of the match, there was a telegram awaiting Ice Marshall Walpole, originating from the Aloha Baby Compound in Oahu. While the full contents of the missive were not divulged, IMW did hint that he was being summoned to Hawaii to do some “Splainin’”. The Vice Ice wondered aloud whether the timing of the summons could be deemed suspect as the IMW’s predicted arrival time in Hawaii will coincide with that of the three Dallas cheerleaders recently expunged from the Cowboys Pep Squad for “salacious and inflammatory behaviour unbecoming young Christian women.” “Pure coincidence” replied a steely voiced IMW. “I’m going to the Compound to save your sorry butts”.

Although the Strawbs did suffer another deplorable loss on the year, IMW was effusive in his praise of his teammates as he boarded the team’s private jet, Stiffy One, at Jack Garland Airport, following the habitual post game debriefing at the Terminal Tavren. He was quoted as pontificating so… “ Mag Boy skated like a youthful yet somewhat deranged Barishnykov, Dr. Thug sent pretty passes, sometimes to his own teammates, Pyjama Man was flamboyant and feisty in his febrility, Wanderin’ Warren wandered well and often, Freight Train 444 kept both hands on his stick as one after another of the Aviators bid him adieu at our blueline, the Vice Ice hardly swore at his exhausted teammates for failing to cover up his egregious strategic defensive errors and Jesse “The Leak” let in fewer goals tonight that anyone expected given his recent performances”. “I don’t want to talk about Gumby…he knows what he did and why he did it. Sometimes the indefensible speaks for itself.”

“As for the sorry SOB’s who failed to show tonight, I have only one thing to say: Vous me fendez les fesses, especes de gigots de vaches”, which in rough translation means show up next time or you won’t be attending the Christmas Gala.


2 jugs of Guinness, 2 jugs of Keith’s, 12 chicken wings and some lame excuses were consumed.

Next game : Thursday, November 23 @ 9:30pm

Stagger Swaggers Stultify Strawbs

Game Report

November 16, 2006

SS 6 Strawbs 4

While the Strawberries mounted a decent effort in last night's tussle with the smooth skating and passing Stagger Swaggers, the score was not indicative of the beating the team took. Jesse "The Leak" finally upped his game and has been confirmed as the starter on Monday, November 20. It was good to see Freight Train's obstreperous side as he took more penalties in this game than in the 150 previous ones. His second infraction was one of the nicest muggings yet. Nothing else of note occurred but the cold draught at the Terminal Tavren was welcomed by all post game revellers.

4 jugs were consumed. Everyone got home by 11:30pm. Peace reigned in the world.

Strawbs Take Down Team Up

Game Report Nov. 13, 2006

Strawberries Win By Default



Team Up, the Radio Arts hockey squad, failed to show up in sufficient numbers last night and the Killer Strawberries were forced to add another win to its total for the year. This was not good news for a team looking to play in the Canadore OHL, the less vulgar of the Canadore intramural leagues. Nevertheless, the Strawbs, accustomed to winning any way it can, used the freed up ice to hone its substantial hockey. The ever astute Vice Ice, acting with unusual alactrity upon receiving the late breaking news that Team Up would be notable by its absence later in the evening, set up an exhibition game against a group of ragtag wastrels from his late afternoon class. The Wastrels, bolstered by the underappreciated skills and hockey acumen of the Ice Marshall, went on annihilate the flustered Strawberries by a score of 5004 to 7. It wasn’t as though the Strawberries did not try. They did their best on this evening and their tawdry performance could be excused on the basis that, most of the time, they were left gasping and awstruck by the the artistry and flowing grace of the opposition, led by the Ice Marshall himself who contributed 2007 or 2008 of the 5004 goals. “I tried to hold back as best I could under the circumstances” reported the IM to the fan in attendance.

After the match, Jesse “The Leak”, shellshocked and sunburned by the constant flashing of the red light at his end of the rink, was booked into the team’s Mental & Physical Rehab facility in Paduka, Arkansas, home to the world’s largest dildo collection. It is hoped that the rehab stint will return the bedraggled puck stopper to his erstwhile magnificence and help him quit sucking his thumbs as well.

As noted earlier, there was a fan at the game, even though Fan Appreciation Night is still a couple of months off. The fan was, of course, none other was Mrs. Bonehead Butcher Brophey who had come looking for the husband. Apparently the Butcher had forgotten to lift the toilet seat at home at about 7pm, leaving on the seat a small liquid reminder of his recent bathroom usage. The Mrs. did not cotton to this vile act of unhygienic discourtesy and screamed over to the rink in her refurbished Lada DuctTape Edition to find and excoriate the perpetrator. At the end of the game, The Butcher was seen and heard being yanked out the arena by his ear to face some unpleasant music at home. The Strawbs’ prayers of intercession must have been heard by the gods of hockey because 20 minutes later the Butcher pair showed up all lovey-dovey at the Terminal Tavren and ordered colour matching Shirley Temples. We can only speculate on the reasons why things turned as they did but certain theories put forward (out of the Mrs.’ earshot) are very likely to be true. The Butcher himself would not comment other than mumble something incomprehensible about the small size of a Lada’s back seat.

Next game is this Thursday at 9:45. Maybe this time, Pyjama Man can haul his sorry ass off the couch and make a contribution.

4 jugs, 1.5 Kilkennies, 2 Shirley Temples and 12 chicken wings (seasoned) were consumed.

Strawbs Take Down Team Up

Game Report Nov. 13, 2006

Strawberries Win By Default



Team Up, the Radio Arts hockey squad, failed to show up in sufficient numbers last night and the Killer Strawberries were forced to add another win to its total for the year. This was not good news for a team looking to play in the Canadore OHL, the less vulgar of the Canadore intramural leagues. Nevertheless, the Strawbs, accustomed to winning any way it can, used the freed up ice to hone its substantial hockey skills. The ever astute Vice Ice, acting with unusual alactrity upon receiving the late breaking news that Team Up would be notable by its absence later in the evening, set up an exhibition game against a group of ragtag wastrels from his late afternoon class. The Wastrels, bolstered by the underappreciated skills and hockey acumen of the Ice Marshall, went on annihilate the flustered Strawberries by a score of 5004 to 7. It wasn’t as though the Strawberries did not try. They did their best on this evening and their tawdry performance could be excused on the basis that, most of the time, they were left gasping and awstruck by the the artistry and flowing grace of the opposition, led by the Ice Marshall himself who contributed 2007 or 2008 of the 5004 goals. “I tried to hold back as best I could under the circumstances” reported the IM to the fan in attendance.

After the match, Jesse “The Leak”, shellshocked and sunburned by the constant flashing of the red light at his end of the rink, was booked into the team’s Mental & Physical Rehab facility in Pawtoocka, Arkansas, home to the world’s largest dildo collection. It is hoped that the rehab stint will return the bedraggled puck stopper to his erstwhile magnificence and help him quit sucking his thumbs as well.

As noted earlier, there was a fan at the game, even though Fan Appreciation Night is still a couple of months off. The fan was, of course, none other was Mrs. Bonehead Butcher Brophey who had come looking for the husband. Apparently the Butcher had forgotten to lift the toilet seat at home at about 7pm, leaving on the seat a small liquid reminder of his recent bathroom usage. The Mrs. did not cotton to this vile act of unhygienic discourtesy and screamed over to the rink in her refurbished Lada DuctTape Edition to find and excoriate the perpetrator. At the end of the game, The Butcher was seen and heard being yanked out the arena by his ear to face some unpleasant music at home. The Strawbs’ prayers of intercession must have been heard by the gods of hockey because 20 minutes later the Butcher pair showed up all lovey-dovey at the Terminal Tavren and ordered colour matching Shirley Temples. We can only speculate on the reasons why things turned as they did but certain theories put forward (out of the Mrs.’ earshot) are very likely to be true. The Butcher himself would not comment other than mumble something incomprehensible about the small size of a Lada’s back seat.

Next game is this Thursday, Nov. 16 at 9:45. Maybe this time, Pyjama Man can haul his sorry ass off the couch and make a contribution.

4 jugs, 1.5 Kilkennies, 2 Shirley Temples and 12 chicken wings (seasoned) were consumed.

Strawbs Choke On Duck Confite

Game Report-Nov. 9, 2006

Ducks 7, Strawberries 3

With 1:31 left to play in a mediocre match against a strong Ducks squad, the 2 most brilliant zebras in the league, Refs Giggles and Narcissus NoNuts, graduates cum laude of the Robbie deVuono School of High Performance Refereeing, decided to send the second of a pair of less than gruntled Strawberries to stew and cuss in the ice cold shower of Dressing Room #3. The game was not allowed to come to its natural termination because the much maligned Strawbs found themselves without the requisite minimum number of players needed to continue the game under rule 12.3, subsection 41bII, of the Super Solipsistic Ever Evolving Canadore College Hockey Code (the SSEECCHC). While it is highly improbable that the remaining intrepid Strawberries would have mounted a comeback of any description, given their deleterious depletion and the fabulously faulty eyesight of the usually reliable Jesse "The Leak", it would have been nice to have given the fan her full money’s worth. Sorry Magnesium Girl. Your boyfriend left you unsatisfied again.

Dressing Room #3 was a somber and whiny place after the game, to such an extent that the Ice Marshall was forced to remind the crybabies in the room that it had been at least 4 years since anyone present had suckled at his mother’s or wet nurse’s breast and that they had better get used to facing adversity with a more serene and stoic outlook. The bickering ceased immediately and plans were quickly made for a post-game trip to the Terminal Tavren.

At the team’s favourite watering hole, the customary comraderie was summarily re-established and the egregiously truthful fawning and flaying continued unabated until the team’s new (and hopefully short-lived) 11:30pm curfew. It was decided at the post-game wrap up that Strawbs’ dormant Punitive Measures Act should be revived and applied cruelly and unusually in cases of unexcused absences such as occurred on this night. Had Dr. Thug, Pyjama Man , Gawdawful Gumby, Wanderin’ Warren, Rob “The Torch” and Magnesium Boy had their way, absentees Freight Train 444, Butcher Brophey, Achilles Perron, The Golden Fleece and Whoahorny would have been publicly shot, drawn and quartered and compelled to pay the exhorbitant yet fair $3 NoShow Levy before being allowed to lace them up for the next game. Fortunately for the attendance challenged Strawbs, Ice Marshall Walpole invoked his doublesupersecret veto to quash the ill-advised motion and instead suggested that A535 be surreptitiously applied to no-shows jockstraps prior to the next tilt. The suggestion was accepted and delayed gratification is eagerly awaited.

4 jugs and 12 chicken wings were consumed. A collection was taken up for the A535 and was promptly oversubscribed.

Corrosion Explosion-Oct 30

Blades of Steel Blasted 8-3

Game Report-Oct. 30, 2006

Wanderin’ Warren (WW1) picked a great time to join the Killer Strawberries Hockey Club as the team continued its winning ways with an 8-3 romp over the Blades of Steel. Wanderin’ Warren was placed on the top line alonside a refreshed Vice Ice and the wily Ice Marshall Walpole, so that the rookie coould experience hockey as it was meant to be played: swiftly, hard-nosedly and with just a soupcon of muted malevolence. At the end of the game, WW1, gasping for breath after trying to keep up all evening with his smooth skating mentors, declared “I never expected to be so challenged. The VIM and IMW may be a little soft around the middle but they are pure business on ice. They must have lungs like Beluga whales.” While WW1 may have missed a few biology classes in the past, there was no doubting his hockey perspicacity and acumen. He has been invited back for the team’s next game.

The Strawbs’ defencemen showed flashes on brilliance, some of them occurring during the actual game. Gumby potted an insurance marker with a deadly dipsy doodle dandy, a move he has not used since…well, never. Freight Train 444 repeatedly stymied opponents with his albatross reach and Butcher Brophey, as agreed, remained on the bench most of the night, removing small traces of vital organs from his bludgeon...er.. .hockey stick.

The second line contributed one or two goals of dubious distinction and will certainly have to pull up its collective socks if the Strawberries are to maintain their reputation as respected and feared hockey statesmen. One thing is for sure: no more tequila shooters between shifts for these guys. It may have worked in the past but could lead to nothing but trouble in the future.

Jesse “The Leak” was both outstanding and instanding over the course of the match and made up from his mistakes by promising to buy the first round should he ever join the team at post game debriefings. When queried about the reason for his perfect record of no-shows at the Terminal Tavren (yes, tavren), “The Leak” pointed out that his continued academic success was “dependent upon my strict adherence to proper diet and keeping all aspects of my life in balance”. Dr Thug, ever so helpful, pointed out that a grade point average of 1.2 hardly constituted academic success and that, furthermore, there was more to be learned in the company of the august gentlemen known at the Killer Strawberries than could be learned in 3 lifetimes spent at the feet any Dalai Lama, Teacher of The Year or perhaps God herself. With that gentle rebuke, “The Leak” headed home chastened yet wiser, secure in the knowledge that he had the privilege of playing with one the world’s truly great hockey teams.

At the Terminal Tavren, Dr. Thug’s health and wisdom were toasted, as were the assembled members at closing time.
2 jugs of Guinness, 2 jugs of Keith’s,16 chicken wings and some damn fine philosophy were consumed.

Parsimonious Possum

Game Report

October 26, 2006

Fully aware that it had perfected the Possum Strategy in its two previous ice tilts, the Killer Strawberries, master re-inventors and baiters, last night embarked upon its newly minted “Parsimonious Possum Strategy”, whose major aim was to totally shut down the opposition. The club succeeded in spades by triumphing 9-0 over a team with the mysterious moniker Paydro. While no one was quite certain of either the origin or meaning of the moniker, every Strawb was in partial agreement that it was probably an obscure reference to something vague and possibly uncertain about which none of them knew, or cared to know, a damned thing. “Ignorance is bliss” mused Magnesium Boy, bliss’s poster child and chief spokesperson, at least on this planet. When asked what his unexpected ejaculation was supposed to mean, Magnesium Boy said he didn’t really know but it sure made him feel better just to say it and did anyone have a cigarette he could bum.

Philosophy was not Mag Boy’s only contribution on the evening. He also scored 3 memorable goals that no one could recall, bringing his net total for the year to -2. His on-ice exploits earned him the game’s third star, just behind Jesse “The Leak”, who played like he was under the threat of another demotion. The game’s first star was The Vice Ice, Rob “The Torch” Greenfield who, at game time, was known to be skulking about various hot tubs in the Kemptville region. No one could understand the curious choice until it was pointed out that the game would have been much much closer had the hapless ancient mariner actually laced them up for the match.

While the Strawbs play at the rink was exemplary, Freight Train 444 Laronde committed a very rare error at the Terminal Tavren (yes, tavren). Acting on bad information, shaky assumptions and too little sleep, 444, for the first time in Killer Strawberries history, ordered way too much draft, even by his bacchanalian standards. Despite the incredible consumption efforts of the post-game revelers and promiscuous promises to take taxis home, one jug was almost given away by a delirious Dr. Thug before sanity prevailed and the superfluous libation unintentionally (?) spilled onto the carpet. “I thought Gumby was coming” cried the penitent defenceman. Alas, Gumby did not make the post-game trek, preferring instead to get a good night’s rest in the company of freshly delivered reading material cloaked in plain brown paper. Turns out 444 was both right and wrong.

6 jugs, 7 chicken wings, 1 plate of spicy nachos (and a little off-site pornography) were consumed

Pickled Possum-Oct.23,2006

Game Report

Beer Barons 7, Strawbs -4


If there is anything to the idea of too much perfection, then it must be admitted that the Strawberries were perfectly guilty of epitomizing the concept in last night’s game against the swift skating Beer Barons. The hapless Strawbs, in their quest to assure the avoidance of a berth in the higher of the Canadore intramural hockey leagues, certainly went well beyond what was required to attain their goal. They were whitewashed, slammed, creamed, crushed, beaten and roadkilled into submission in a game that, in retrospect, ought not have been played. The score should have been mailed in and summarily forgotten.

While team management has always been loathe to look for expedient excuses, it did, in this instance of hyper-perfection, succumb to the irresistible temptation to do so, at a post game press conference held at the Aloha Baby Compound in Oahu. No punches were pulled, no rock unturned, no carpet unlifted, no dust bunnies unfound. According to management, who viewed the game via satellite feed in the ElectroGlide Room, the forgettable performance can directly attributable to the following:

1. Achilles Perron’s current wife had unnecessarily yelled at him before the game for forgetting to place the cutlery in an upright position in the dishwasher. Achilles was so upset, he refused to take his usual pre-game medication, a fifth of Cutty Sark.

2. Dr. Thug, fresh from a session with the team’s sport psychiatrist, Trish D’lish, refused to mug either of the two girls on the Beer Barons squad, thus reducing his on ice aggressiveness to that of a disgruntled palace eunuch.

3. Rob “The Torch” Greenfield had, earlier in the afternoon, pulled a muscle in his back while twisting around to pull out a sarsasparilla from the cooler located just behind the driver’s seat of his yacht, The Tail Of Whoa.

4. Pyjama Man had to show up to the game dressed in a pair of his wife’s discarded pantyhose, his wife having had the unmitigated audacity to wash his usual pre-game garb and to then attempt to line-dry said garb in a raging snowstorm, a mere one hour before the game. Wethinks all is not well in Pyjamaland.

5. Magnesium Boy, feeling slightly ill before the match, botched his self-administered appendectomy because he had forgotten to test the potency of his homemade anaesthetic prior to the operation. Needless to say, his on ice performance was adversely affected by his lack of foresight. Not that much is ever expected of him in any event.

6. Jesse "The Leak" developed a temporary latex/rubber allergy, causing him to slam his eyes shut every time a piece of latex/rubber came within the purview of his sensory detection system. Because this occurred so often at last night's game, his eyes were welded shut by the end of the first period. Oddly, enough, his second period was the best we've seen him play all year. Butcher Brophey gallantly offered to slice open his eyelids with his stick, but "The leak" wisely declined the generous offer.

7. Butcher Brophey

On the plus side, Gumby did not play and new addition, Golden Fleece Saint-Pierre, proved to be one of the two bright lights in an otherwise dim arena. Everyone in attendance marvelled at how effortlessly he slipped the surly bonds of Earth and danced the skies on laughter’s silvered wings. Sunward he climbed to join the tumbling mirth, of sunsplit clouds. High flight indeed.

And lastly...the Ice Marshall played so well, one reporter was overheard to say he thought the flawless wingman had, on this night of the Pickled Possum, “put out his hand and touched the face of God”.

0 jugs and some crow were consumed.

Strawberry Possum

Strawberry Possum

Game Report October 19, 2006

It was not lost on The Strawb’s management that the team’s overwhelming victory of Monday last could result in an unrequested slotting into the Canadore NHL, the higher and more vulgar of the College’s intramural leagues. While the Strawbs love a good hockey game, they equally loathe having to toil so hard on the frozen pond that there remains insufficient energy for the proper performance of strenuous post game activities. Consequently, without great fanfare, the team huddled down into its newest game strategy, the Strawberry Possum.

As the Strawbs ripen to a beautiful lusciousness on the inevitable road to imagined glory and comfortable senescence, their opponents remain mired in a post-pubescent storm of overactive hormones. They tend to skate too swiftly, shoot too hard and whine too much about getting beaten by a bunch of “dastardly old men without scruples”, to quote an unnamed source. In a word, Strawbs’ opponents are too competitive, and thus miss out on much of the beauty of a game characterized by the subtle pass, the whisper of a well tuned blade carving the surface of a newly laid veneer of frozen water and the quiet, heroic moan of a stalwart defenceman as he shakes off a courageously engineered but ill-advised shot to the nuts.

Oh no, Constant Reader, the Strawbs are not a team to be suckered into hyper competitiveness. What is sought is more akin to a religious experience on ice, where the mysteries of karmic existence are perfectly in tune with the game itself. The Strawbs’ philosophy has always been “play as hard as you can without really hurting yourself cause we got some socializin’ to do after the game.” With this philosophy in mind, the Strawberries deliberately cobbled together a very good game against Hank’s Ice Men on Thursday night, purposely losing by a score by 7-4. The manufactured loss will allow the team to claim its rightful place in the Canadore OHL, where it will be free to pursue its goals of near-hockey excellence, competitiveness appropriate to the circumstances, and karmic harmony with universe.

One Strawberry did manage to take the new Possum strategy to an unrequired level. Let’s chalk it up to his quixotic quest for perfection or better still, gross stupidity. Yes, you have correctly guessed who it was. The orange-socked defencemen, still reeling from the vapors, thought it would be a good idea, at game’s end, to soften up one of the referees by pointing out that the game would be better served in future if said referee would “engage in intercourse elsewhere”, or words to that effect. The rash suggestion has resulted in the fact that the Strawbs will have to play the next two games without the services of one its top 10 rearguards. The first round next week will be on him.

Oh ya.. The Vice Ice turned 52, but played a lot older on Strawberry Possum Night. He knows the meaning of subtle strategy execution.

3 Jugs, 5 Guinness, 1 Bud, and an uncounted yet deadly number of Tequila shots were consumed. The Vice Ice may have thrown up in the cab on the ride home.

Rust, What Rust?

October 16, 2006-Game Report

Strawbs 9, Aviators 2


In an impressive display of teamwork, legerdemain and artistry, the Strawbs opened the 2006-2007 season with a subtle reminder to all the teams in the league that they continue to be an unignorable global hockey force. The Strawbs lineup from last night must have struck fear in the hearts of the less than nattily attired squad from the Aviation campus. Opponents’ heads were swivelling like Linda Blair in a movie gone bad, as the B line of Pyjama Man, Mag Boy and the septuagenerian Dr. Thug gave the Aviators fits, scoring 6 times, seemingly at will. The A line, centered by the Vice Ice, Rob “The Torch” Greenfield, galloping like a frisky colt between his fleet wingers, Achilles Perron and the indescribable Ice Marshall, played a solid 2 way game, scoring two highlight reel goals and went a combined +121 on the night. The Ice Marshall thought the line was closer to +99, but he is not one to argue with anyone, especially the offficial scorer. When it was pointed out that there was no official scorer, the intrepid team leader simply shrugged, as Atlas did in Ayn Rand’s famous book.

The Strawb’s defence tested out rookie Whoa!horny Richardson by putting him into some very tight situations and the newcomer did not disappoint, scoring on a beautiful Greenfieldesque butterfly lifter from the blue line. 444 Laronde teamed with Gumby and HE (444) could not be faulted for any of the goals against, as he often found himself defending alone, with Gumby fraternizing with the hapless goaler at the other end. Apparently, the latter two share a love of C++ coding and arcane Mott The Hoople minutia.

Butcher Brophey, in what amounted to a rare stroke of genius, had taped the blade of his stick red for the game and thus eluded at least 4 penalties for unauthorized spleenectomy. Jesse “The Leak” was workmanlike and effective between the pipes, but he did complain at game’s end that he had a hard time seeing the puck throught the haze of rust particles emanating from the Butcher’s blades.

Following the game, at the new terminal tavren (yes, tavren), Gumby was effusive in his praise of the team’s efforts and suggested that Jawn Jon Jean, recently relocated to Owen Sound, should be renamed Gawn Gone Gon. A committee was struck to study the proposal at a later date, when someone actually cares to act on a Gumby-initiated opinion.

8 jugs and 7 sad chicken wings were consumed

Ice Marshall Walpole

Pre-Season Report 2006-2007
Killer Strawberries Hockey Club

At the summer meetings of the Killer Strawberries’ Executive at the Aloha Baby Compound in Oaha, the club’s shadowy and morbidly secretive brain trust sought to resolve some major pressing issues which could only be described as massive untreated hangovers from what had been expected to be a promising 2005-2006 season.

To say that the season ended in disappointment is an understatement of the same ilk as “Gumby might benefit from a little therapy” or “Butcher Brophey is a lumbering, slumbering, bumbling sociopath who kicks puppies for fun”. The brain trust spent an exhausting 167.6 hours compiling a list of the ills which plagued last year’s underachievers and requested that the Ice Marshall and the Vice Ice Marshall take immediate steps to remedy those ills. While taking frequent breaks from escorting the Olsen twins, Pamela Anderson, Angelina and Paris Hilton to various red carpet/shag carpet events in Oahu, this intrepid duo once again created a sustainable, transparent, accountability-laden, outside the box blueprint for change.

Below, is an unofficial excerpt from the report filed with the brain trust. The full, official report will be released as soon as President Stephen Harper declassifies the document and removes his head from W’s ass.

Hangover #1

Lack of scoring from the B line (B as in Bungling and Bloated)

Remedies

Send Pyjama Man to the Ray Charles Net Recognition Remediation School for the month of October.
Wean Dr. Thug off his daily dose of Viagra, which, instead of increasing his touch around the “net”, tends to keep his shaft a little too stiff in scoring situations.


Advise Jean Jon Jawn that his services would better be suited to a team where any shooting inaccuracy is seen as an excusable flaw. We hear the Leafs are looking to replace Tie Domi.

Hangover #2

A defence so clueless, they believe that the word “gullible” has been removed from the dictionary.

Remedies

Return Smokie Hill, the human cigarette, to the Nasty Cupcakes, the Strawb’s farm team’s farm team, recently relocated to Buttface, Alaska, in an effort to stay one step ahead of the law.

Duck tape Butcher Brophey’s arms to his sides so that opponents do not become surprised organ donors any time they find themselves in a foreign corner of the rink. The move is expected to cut down the team’s total penalty time by 94%.


Advise Gumby that game night has been changed to every other Sunday, in Bonfield.

Move Freight Train 444 Laronde to a new position which leverages his major strengths…frying pickerel and buying draft. He has been promoted to the position of entertainment coordinator.

Hangover #3

Magnesium Boy

Remedy

Since no centre or winger or defence partner can be found to offset Magnesium Boy, he will be left to play with himself.

Hangovers #4, #5, #6

Remedy

Put Magnesium Boy and Jesse the Leak between the pipes, simultaneously. This move has numerous advantages. Blame can be sloughed off to the other guy. The net will be stuffed with the equivalent of 95% of the BMI of a Butcher Brophey, at his peak summer form, leaving very little for the opposition in terms of scoring openings. Moreover, Magnesium Boy will get to repeat, ad nauseum, his “Carl Sagan Invented The Universe” story to someone who can’t easily run away.

Hangover #7

The Strawbs have developed a reputation as a drinking team with a hockey problem.

Remedy

More post game Guinesses to brainstorm solutions to this nagging problem.

Hangover #8

Early retirements in 2006

Remedy

With the forced early retirements/reassignments of Smokie Hill, Rusty Vik Erickson, Jean Jon Jawn and The Love Glove, the Strawbs have been presented with an unprecedented opportunity to strengthen the team with new additions. Unfortunately, it appears that the unfathomable remedy imposed by the brain trust (not to be confused with the Ice Marshall or the Vice Ice) may backfire. On the dubious advice of some of the permanent and shady guests at the Aloha Baby Compound, the team , in October, signed unknown quantities Whoa!horny Richardson and Jason “The Golden Fleece” St. Pierre as well as the recently rehabbed and revived Achilles Perron, whose glory days, if he ever had any, are probably behind him (along with the extra 40 pounds he is carrying). Ah, but the boy can drink his share!

The Bright Spots

Rob “The Torch Greenfield, Vice Ice Marshall and bon vivant extraordinaire, who recently set a Guinness Book record by spending the entire May to August period on full Code Orange Liver Alert, without spillin a drop or burning any holes in guitar.

Ice Marshall Walpole, the Strawb’s spiritual guide and conscience of moderation, who found God on the off season, disguised as a permanent guest of Aloha Baby Compound.

There's an important "emergency" Killer Strawberries meeting Thursday night, 7pm, at the usual watering hole, The Bull & Quench. Much to discuss and plan, Be There!
V.I.M.

The Killer Strawberries take to the links in the dog days of August.

Three Strawbs take a summer break chez Bob and discuss weighty matters.

Last Thursday evening was the 2005-2006 Killer Strawberries Dubious Achievements Awards night. Here some of the Strawbs take a break from their frivolity for a photo op.

End of Year SlagFest

The end of year soiree is set for Thursday, April 27 from 6pm till closing at the Greenfield Compound at 105 Viceroy Road. Burgers will be served. The amount of food available to each player will be commensurate with that player's contribution to the team this year, as calculated by an impartial panel of anonymous observers from the Association For The Advancement of Mediocraty in Hockey. Bring $7 to cover food costs and bring your own drinks. If you can't make it, you will be more heavily slagged than usual. Guest appearances by Paris Hilton and the fatter Olsen twin, barring unforeseen circumstances.



IMW

Killer Strawberries hats for sale!!
Each hat is of good quality, one size fits all. Front features logo and name, back has "Almost Undefeated" in yellow and sides have "killerstrawberries.com" in red. Hats are $19.95 plus shipping. To order please respond in the comments section below and include your email address or telephone number.

Rear view of Killer Strawberries hat.

Side view of hat.

College Faculty Strike

150,000 College students affected,
9,100 College faculty on strike,
3 Strawbs members sleeping in till noon,
1 and only 1 beer says it all.... Guiness.


All the best with your Labour dispute guys!

Mag-Man,

News Flash!!!!

This just in ... Strawbs play wrong team in 1st round of playoff, as do Ducks and Crazy Puckers. It seems the correct standings have the Strawbs finisheing in 3rd, the Puckers in 4th, the Aviation in 5th and the Ducks in 6th. According to the schedule the Strwbs should have played the Ducks and the Puckers should have flown with Aviation. Too bad for both the Ducks and Aviation as they were both winners of the wrong games. Strawbs management is on the case. Any "fixes" to this developing story will be posted as they occur.

THUD
Feb. 27, 2006 - Game Report

Dreams of playoff glory came to a sudden, unexpected halt last night, as the Strawbs found themselves on the short end of a 5-3 game (1 empty net goal) against a team of 500 Aviators bent on trying to atone for the National team’s loss in Turino.

At the post game rehash at the Terminal Tavren, no single reason could be found for the failure to advance. As a matter of fact, except for Butcher Brophey, who missed his 10th game in a row in order to attend his deportation hearing in Ottawa, all the Strawberries were effusive in their praise of their team mates, even to the point of bald faced prevarication. Pyjama Man, who had the game of a lifetime (an aardvark’s lifetime) told The Torch that his defence was immaculate and shiny. Gawdawful Gumby noted that Magnesium Boy (formerly known as Magnesium Man) had the best taped sticks on either team. Magnesium Boy responded that Gumby was his hero sans pareil, and as such, his words meant so much to him, that he was dedicating his next game to Gumby’s everlasting honour. Freight Train was of the opinion that just being in the company of so many illustrious Strawbs made the beer taste colder and the nachos spicier, even if they just finished stinking out Palangio Arenas with a performance worthy of the Togo national under 5 hockey team. Since nobody could remember where Togo was, it was taken as a compliment and Freight Train’s health toasted forthwith. The Ice Marshall congratulated Smokey Hill on his efforts to cut back to 5 packs a day (including 1 between periods of most games) and on his serious addiction reduction work while he toiled for a short time with the Nasty Cupcakes in January. As everyone knows, the Ice Marshall has been able to almost overcome a serious addiction of his own, namely his tireless promotion of world peace, social harmony and the pursuit of justice in all its many splendored forms. He is down to 15 hours per day do-gooding. Dr. Thug, a karmic victim this year of some terrible bodychecks from the girl he creamed into the boards 2 years ago, was just happy to remember the names of his team mates, having suffered 45 concussions in his storied career, 4 this year alone. He makes Eric Lindros look like a sissy. Jon Jean John (Yawn) was praised for making the mesh bulge brilliantly on a breakaway in the first period of the game. Unfortunately the mesh was that nylon stuff they installed behind the nets to keep wayward pucks from leaving the rink. The Love Glove, impersonating the Invisible Man, did not make it to the Terminal Tavren because his mom made him go home to clean his room and wash behind his ears. He was certainly the cleanest player on the Strawbs this year and will most assuredly be receiving the team’s coveted Mr. Sterile Award at the club’s end of season “do” at Vice Ice’s Compound For Wayward Adults. Butcher Brophey, a surprise non-contributor in the club’s last 2 games, was proclaimed the team’s best foreign traveler and will most certainly need his peerless voyaging skills as he rides the club’s farm team’s farm team’s bus across the Yukon next year. And finally, what can be said about our goaler, Jesse “Sprunga Leak”, that hasn’t already been said. It’s always the goalie’s fault. Gumby said it best... "mal qui est qui mal y pense".

6 jugs and 1 large humble pie were consumed.

Next game: wait by the phone.

Jesse The Leak Records Shutout
Strawbs Win 10-0 Against Crazy Puckers
Feb.23, 2006 - Game Report

Crazy Puckers show up without a goalie, a huge mistake. Strawbs smell blood. Score 10 unanswered goals while trying to keep the score down. Retire to Terminal Tavren. Consumption slightly above average. Await playoffs.

Dr. Thug obviously tried to slip a "groaner" past the Ice Marshall, to no avail, while enjoying post game beverages at Casey's Terminal Tavern.

The Killer Strawberries Hockey Club 2005-2006

Strawbs Storm To Victory
Game Report - February 16, 2006

With the help of a little snow job, the Strawbs won their second game of the new year, by default, over a short handed squad from Sturgeon. The luckless roe producers could not ice a full team because the highway between North Bay and Sturgeon Falls was covered with snow 16 feet deep: a case of unnecessary Divine Intervention.

The painless victory brings the Strawbs’ new year’s record (January to present) to .500 and leaves them in either first or second place for the whole year, thanks to its pre-Christmas juggernaut.

8 donkless Strawbs showed up to Pete Palangio arenas to ensure the default victory. They proceeded to play an exhibition game against a pickup team of stragglers, hobos and other miscreants and trounced the hapless ragtag conglomeration by a score of 100-1, with IMW scoring 99 of the Strawbs’ goals. The rest of the Strawberries were too busy on the bench learning how to inhale contraband Captain Black cigarellos brought to the arena by Smokey Hill in his quest to drag the rest of the team down to his level pulmonary fitness. The coughing got so bad no one was able to attend any post game festivities. IMW was not pleased.

0 jugs consumed, an ignominious team record

Next game: February 23 at 9:45 pm.

Fan Appreciation Night A Huge Success
Aviators Gun Down Feuding Strawbs 5-4
Game Report
February 9, 2006


While the Strawbs put in what one observer described as a “limp and fatuous” performance on the ice, the close 5-4 loss was overshadowed by two unprecedented events.

By using that underrated yet highly effective marketing tool called “Doin’Diddley Squat Promotion,” the team ran its first ever Fan Appreciation Night which swelled its 2005-2006 attendance record to 5, its highest cumulative annual attendance since 1992, when a rowdy troupe of disoriented and jet-lagged and wandering Japanese karaoke singers inadvertently mistook Pete Palangio arenas for the Capitol Centre.

Two intrepid and possibly pre-inebriated fans, sisters from the less respectable arm of the Alcorn clan, were in attendance to cheer on the Vice Ice Marshall, Rob “The Torch” Greenfield. While their enthusiasm was much to be admired, their choice of exhortations was, to say the least, explicit and imaginative in its use of terms more befitting an evening at the alternative ballet. To his credit, “The Torch” attempted to ramp up his game to the level of “tepid”, in an effort to impress the assembled soigné crowd. Unfortunately, his efforts fell short and in his own words, uttered with an unsettling hint of pride at the terminal tavren (yes, tavren), appraised his performance as follows: “I played like sh#t…all I did was win a couple of faceoffs”. Although no one could recall any face-offs won by the hapless centre, all agreed with the rest of his self-evaluation (even though some were of the opinion that the scatological term used by the VIM did not go quite go far enough), which brings us to the second unprecedented event.

It is an unusual occurrence for a Strawb to criticize another Strawb. Yet what happened in the team’s dressing room after the game bordered on ugly. Ice Marshall Walpole, just freshly returned from negotiating a peace settlement between the Palestinians and the Israelis, attributed the matter to pent up pressure resulting from the team’s overwhelming desire to bring home the Cup this year or to quote him more accurately, “it was a subconscious overtly-revelatory manifestion of innate pre-concurrence distress syndrome, not seen since the 1942 Olympic Hockey Gold run up in Goosergood, Germany.” “It is known be to cured with a cold Guinness served soon after the incident”. The proposed cure was quickly agreed and acted upon. But to get back to the ugly occurrence. Gumby Pettigrew, entirely blameless for the loss (in his own humble estimation) sparked the heated conflagration by noting that The Torch appeared to be content to model his game upon a leisurely stroll on Trout Lake on a sun-speckled winter afternoon. Fortunately, The Torch was not in the room to hear this spurious and outrageous heresy. Freight Train Laronde took up the Torch’s cause by commenting that he thought the use of the expression “sun-speckled” was unjustified and unfair. Pyjama Man, who had just finished lighting a stogey for Smokey Hill by sparking together the blades of his skates, retorted that he believed The Torch reminded him of Cliff Claven of ‘Cheers’ fame, both for The Torch’s physical resemblance to the revered mailman and for the way each of these icons plays the game. Then, someone claimed to hear the whispered phrase “forced retirement”. Luckily, upon seeing that his and Pyjama Man’s comments may have been out of place, Gumby then noted, in his stentorian yet mellifluous voice, that, while the aviators appeared to have had too many goalies plugging up the net, the “Strawbs didn’t have enough.” Magnesium Man, the team’s self-appointed guru of whatever is on his mind, was prescient enough to see where the ugliness was leading and quickly pointed out that the universe was created by Carl Sagan…this from a guy who played with all the finesse of a rain-slicked sidewalk. In any event, MM’s astute observation was enough to derail the insultfest…just in time because Jon Jean John Jawn (Yawn) was ready to lambaste Butcher Brophey for failing to get the puck to him in an important situation that nobody could remember or cared about. Finally, cooler heads prevailed when Freight Train pointed out that time was getting to be short and that the terminal tavren (yes, tavren) would be closing in less than 3 hours.

The Alcorn sisters, using their unparalleled wit, guile and dirty tricks, changed the post game venue to one of their own liking, forcing the team to congregate at their third choice for the evening, prompting one unnamed Strawb to rename the occasion “The Alcorn Sisters Take-Over Night”. By the end of the soiree, all ruffled feathers were smoothed and harmony reigned in Carl Sagan’s universe. Sister Pam Alcorn summed it up best, “It was a great game. It just slipped away from you. Things are always slipping away from me. What colour should I dye my hair this time?”


9 jugs and a lot of chickens were sacrificed in the name of team unity.

Next game is Thursday, February 16 at some time in the evening.

PS Love Glove: We know you missed the game because of your double vasectomy/appendectomy. Hope you can make it next week.

Rusty Report to the Nasty Cupcakes for conditioning asap

Gawdawful Gumby and the Ice Marshall still have their game faces on after a recent rare Strawbs "almost undefeated" game.

Freight Train looks sheepish, obviously not wanting to be caught helping Smokey hide his ever-present smoke.

Magnesium Man makes a quick call to his agent following a recent Strawbs game.

The 96-97 version of the Killer Strawberries. Who are all these guys??

A fuzzy Strawbs' dressing room photo from the past. Not sure of the year, but it's in the 90's.

Rusty Derelict Fails To Impress
Dejected Ducks Dumped 10-2
Game Report - January 26, 2006

In his maiden game of the season, "Rusty Derelict" Erickson was rather a disappointment on and off the ice. Fortunately, the rest of the squad, led by a rejuvenated, medicated and merciless Rob "The Torch" Greenfield, managed to squeeze out a 10-2 victory over a goalie-less and humourless debauch of disheartened Ducks who complained stridently, loudly and relentlessly about the fact that the proud Strawbs, intent on propelling its juggernaut to the Cup, kept putting the puck, often inadvertently, into their net ... imagine that!

It was apparent from the get go that Rusty was just emerging from a long Sudbury brain freeze as he attempted to keep up with the free wheeling Strawberry forwards, each of whom is in peak physical and psychological condition, awaiting the inevitable call from the brass of the Olympic Hockey team. It had been hoped that Rusty might fill in at least not too inadequately for Benedict Arnold Gawdawful Gumby and the ever unreliable Butcher Brophey, but, alas, such was not to be the case. The hapless Rusty played as if he had walked along the highway in his skates all the way from Sudbury to attend the match. During the game, he slipped, tripped, fell, self-concussed and skedaddled wildly about, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. His performance at the terminal tavren (yes, tavren) was equally inept as he failed to pick up the team's tab, in what surely can no longer be called a simple rookie mistake. Rusty has been around long enough to know what constitutes proper etiquette in a situation where one's maiden game occurs in mid-season. Obviously, he no longer relies on his maidenhead.

With the Ducks' goalie AWOL, The Torch got his first three goals of the year, all the while attempting to up-play his feat by telling his team mates he wasn't even trying to score. We have spent years watching him trying to score, and he was trying to score. Although he has lifetime diplomatic immunity with the Strawbs as the Vice Ice Marshall For Life, he cannot have been unaware of the less than discreet rumblings in the dressing concerning his lack of output over the last 2 years. As he so delicately put it to the rumblers at game's end ... "You can stick my goals tonight anywhere you'd like, ... preferably (undecipherable). A goal is a goal and don't you boneheads ever forget it."

Jesse The Leak was once again stellar, as the Ducks, with more skaters than the Strawbs on the ice at all times, still managed some excellent forays into Strawbs' territory. He has been asked to come for the next game and rumour has it that he will probably get to start the game after that.

Jon Jean John spent more time on his gluteus maximus than all other players combined. Apparently, in Kirkland Lake, the backwater from which he hails, real hockey players only get their skates sharpened once per season. A fund has been set up to raise sufficient funds for JJJ to get his blades tuned before next game. Send cash to IMW, c/o The JJJ Entertainment Fund, at 100 College, North Bay, ON. No donation can be too big.

At the post game wrap up, 1 Bass, 4 Stella, 1 Keiths and something else from the beer phyllum were consumed. Oh yeah, almost forgot. The Torch nursed a hot toddy (a friggin hot toddy, for gawdsakes). He claimed to have a bad cold. What a baby!

Next game: Thursday, Feb. 9 at 8:45

Killer Strawbs Go Commercial (DOT COM)

At our last post game outing some members pooled together the funds for the registry of the domain name http://www.killerstrawberries.com/. Was that supposed to be the tip money?
I didn't think a dot com was available and that we would have to settle for a dot ca, but for some reason no other organization, until now, has capitalized on the availability of this domain name.

As of Jan 24 2006 8:45PM The Killer Strawberries Hockey Club paid for, with tip money, and registered (under my name) the domain name http://www.killerstrawberries.com/ The address now re-directs to our free Google blog so start using the new name. Like every other addictive get rich quick scheme, lets make some money and retire.

PS. Don’t sit there all day and click on the ads, as Google will revoke our account.

Pleasure Craft Card

Get your pleasure craft card while it is still 25 bucks http://www.theoperatorcard.ca


A) In the SPRING of 2006, "At Home" testing will be discontinued. Registration now ensures testing under the present system even after the changes take effect.

B) Future testing will only be conducted:

• at set times
• at sanctioned testing centres
• using a standardized lengthy test and course

causing administration cost to rise dramatically.

C) We will continue to provide "At Home" testing, the present and existing system, to those registered before the expected 2006 spring change date.


BTW our site's earnings.... Total Earnings: $2.49

Smokey Returns Triumphant
Game Report - January 19, 2006


With the unexpected self-inflicted mental injury to Gawdawful Gumby, the Strawbs were forced to recall a repentant “Smokey” Hill from its farm club’s farm club, the Nasty Cupcakes, in order to bolster its roster for last night’s tilt against the resurgent Dirty Stallions. It would appear Smokey spent his last week in Backwater, NWT, working hard on his game, and his performance did not disappoint in the Strawberries hard-fought 1-1 tie. “I told you I’d be back,” he ventured timourously before the game. “Jon Jean John’s video, “How To Score Goals With No Shot and Little Talent,” was truly an eye-opener. His techniques are astounding. I just don't understand why he hasn’t scored any of his own goals since early November. He certainly knows how to talk a good game, and his video is well titled. I’ll just chalk it up to hubris.” Apparently, Smokey, in addition to honing his game while exiled to Backwater, picked up some new vocabulary which should serve him well as he jaws away with opposition players while he serves one of his many future coincidental minors in the sin bin. Hubris indeed.

Jesse “the Leak” strengthened his case for a contract extension through February with a stellar performance between the pipes. With a little more practice picking up the team’s not inconsenquential bar tabs at the terminal tavren (yes, tavren), he could become a team fixture. Speaking of fixtures, both the Love Glove and Magnesium Man played with all the dexterity of table lamps, as each of them failed to bulge the twine on the breakaways. Management is seriously considering benching both these players until they can show more scoring prowess.

In a move designed to awe the multitude of fans in attendance, The Torch pulled off a rather nifty play designed to keep Jesse the Leak on his toes, a true stroke of genius in a game where the Strawbs were trailing by one goal late in the last period. In a move reminiscent of Edgar "the Bull" Balachine in the 1932 World Cup Hockey Summit Series in Buggarme, Togo, the stalwart defenceman, a term applied loosely here, decided to fall down while defending inside his own blue line, thus giving a two man break to a pair of streaking Stallions. Fortunately, the Leak was up for the challenge and stopped 16 shots while waiting for the prone Torch to get up off his fat ass and rush to his assistance.


Nobody else did anything worthwhile or noteworthy, except for the Ice Marshall who continues to impress the scouts with his legerdemain, on ice savvy and goods looks.

8 jugs of Keith’s, 3 Guinness, 4 plates of nachos, 3 heaps of chicken wings and 1 platter of limp calamari (whatever that is) were consumed.

Next game : Thursday, January 26 at 8:45.

"Smokey" Hill

This photo was taken of "Smokey" Hill upon his post-Christmas release from the De-TOX and Quit-Smoking Center in Paducca, Arkansas.

Strawbs Less Than Almost Undefeated - Smokey Hill Clears Waivers
Game Report January 12, 2006



After a lengthy and weight-gain filled Christmas holiday layoff, the Strawbs came out for its first game of the new year firing on 11 of 12 cylinders and narrowly lost a hotly contested match with the second place Motley Moosers by a score of 3 to 2. According to most of the media types present, the Strawberries were the dominant squad, peppering the poor Moosers' pipetender with more shots than Keith Richards consumed on New Year's Eve, 1969.

None of the shot barrage came off the stick of Smokey Hill, whose one blast from five feet out missed the opposing net by no less than 3 meters, rounding down to the nearest integer. "I don't understand," claimed an apparently puzzled Hill. "I worked on my shot continuously during the break. I even resorted to watching Jon Jean John's obscure home video entitled 'How To Score With Little Talent And A Mediocre Shot. After 4 weeks practice, I could break a mirror from 6 feet, 2 out of 10 times. I was improving."

Smokey's lament unfortunately fell upon deaf ears, and he was placed on waivers with 5 minutes left in the game. As expected, he was not claimed by any of the other teams in the league, and he has been reassigned to the club's farm club's farm club, the Nasty Cupcakes headquartered in Backwaterville, Northwest Territories. "I will work hard to regain the respect of the club's executive. I plan on cutting back to 6 packs a day and only drinking before noon. They'll see. I'll be back", commented an obviously crestfallen Hill.

Santa was good to at least one Strawb over the holidays. Butcher Brophey returned to the new season sporting a jaunty new pair of real hockey pants whose colour was chosen by his long suffering wife to match his "beautiful eyes." He must have chosen his own new socks though ... red silk with pretty yellow tassels and bells which tinkled every time he was beaten by an opposing player. Fashion sense (or any sense for that matter) has never been his forte.

The team was grateful for the effort put in by Freight Train Laronde who broke not just a few speed laws to get to the game in time from a "meeting" in Toronto, or so he claimed. Between Laronde's Herculean efforts, before and during the game, and the somewhat lethargic but almost adequate performance by Dr. Thug, the result should have been more fortunate for the Strawbs.

Nobody else on the team did anything noteworthy on the evening except Magnesium Man who inadvertently threw up on the new waitress at the terminal tavren (yes, tavren). Apparently this is how he marks his territory. Now we know why none of us has ever met his reputed girlfriend, Miss Emesis Basin of Retch Creek, Nevada.

The team learned at the post game conference that it was not just Paris and the fatter Olsen twin who were ensconced at the Aloha Bay Compound in Oahu over the break. Angelina Jolie, sans Brad, was seen frolicking among the palms. Rumour has it that Angelina's recent pregnancy was initiated during her Hawaiian sojourn and that she is considering naming the offspring Icey Marshall Jolie, whether a boy, girl or otherwise. IM Walpole, a married man, when confronted with the news simply stated cryptically, "A gentleman will walk but will not run."

8 pitchers, 3 plates of nachos and 2 lbs of chicken wings were consumed.

The Killer Strawberries pose and compose during another photo op a few years ago.